"I asked for some ope, he thougth I said 'dope' adn pulled out a bag of shwag."
A few nights ago, I squirted some liquid from a partially dissolved piece of "tar heroin" up my nose to see if it would do anything and not kill me. It didnt' burn. I waited a few minutes. Nothing. I squirted the rest of the water up my nose, tilted my head back, waited a few minutes, flushed the rest of the undissolved chunk down the toilet, and threw the nasty blackened spoon down the garbage shoot so my gf wouldn't find it. She doesnt' know about my very occaisonal heroin or cocaine use. For me, heroin or another opiate 3 or 4 times per year, cocaine once every year or so on my birthday or something... That pattern has worked out great for 10 years or so now. The other stuff: marijuana, psychedelics, coffee, alcohol are the only things she approves of. After a little while, I think I felt a little bit of a rush, but it was getting late so I went to bed, read for a few minutes, then went to sleep. My gf had alerady gone to bed and fallen asleep.
I woke early this morning (the other morning by now) around sunrise. A_'s (my gf) bedroom faces East, and its large windows open over Downtown, the Financial District, and across the Bay and to the hills above Oakland and Berkeley. The first morning light through these windows always wakes me. As I got out of bed I noticed that my ankles were raw and bleeding from ragged fingernail-shaped scratches. After a moment I remembered them itching very badly during the night. Maybe this was due to the chunk of fake tar heroin I had dissolved in water and insufflated last night. Maybe it was really impure or maybe I prepared it the wrong way, but whatever was wrong with it, there still might have been enough heroin in it to do someting subtle. Come to think of it, I did get a little bit of a rush and felt warm before I went to sleep last night. A_ noticed my wounds when I put some shea butter lotion on them. She scolded me like a small child for scratching myself bloody.
One of the problems I have when sharing a room with someone is that their thoughts intrude into my own headspace during the night. This I know is a purely subjective experience. It happens when I'm very relaxed and my mind is empty of thought, but it only happens in the presence of others. Overnight train rides or flights are the worst. Sharing a tent is bad too. It's a horrible cacophany of voices, songs, music blasting in my head. The sound sources are directional, and I can tell the people around me are emitting the "sounds." ---The sounds come from the people near me.
When it happens, it keeps me from resting properly. I can force myself fully awake and find my surroundings to be dead silent. But relax again and the noise comes back. And drugs exacerbate my sensitivity to this intrusion. So, the last few hours of last (the night of the tar) night were difficult. I was very relaxed, not asleep but not awake, just somewhere in between. Some of this time, A_ wasn't dreaming. In an in-between dream, but still deep sleep cycle, she was cycling or looping through a certain sequence of repetitive thoughts over and over for what seemed hours. Not a proper dream and not conscious thought, just her sleeping brain processing information fromt he day before. Kind of like the brain venting off the previous day's stress. I think most peopel do it. Mostly, the thoughts were emotionally charged with worry. She was looping on about how she was afraid I was going to leave her. This thought and others followed the worry theme of her sleep-thoughts. It upset me greatly. She has never told me about these worries before. Maybe I should ask her what's why she feels this way.
A few nights ago, I squirted some liquid from a partially dissolved piece of "tar heroin" up my nose to see if it would do anything and not kill me. It didnt' burn. I waited a few minutes. Nothing. I squirted the rest of the water up my nose, tilted my head back, waited a few minutes, flushed the rest of the undissolved chunk down the toilet, and threw the nasty blackened spoon down the garbage shoot so my gf wouldn't find it. She doesnt' know about my very occaisonal heroin or cocaine use. For me, heroin or another opiate 3 or 4 times per year, cocaine once every year or so on my birthday or something... That pattern has worked out great for 10 years or so now. The other stuff: marijuana, psychedelics, coffee, alcohol are the only things she approves of. After a little while, I think I felt a little bit of a rush, but it was getting late so I went to bed, read for a few minutes, then went to sleep. My gf had alerady gone to bed and fallen asleep.
I woke early this morning (the other morning by now) around sunrise. A_'s (my gf) bedroom faces East, and its large windows open over Downtown, the Financial District, and across the Bay and to the hills above Oakland and Berkeley. The first morning light through these windows always wakes me. As I got out of bed I noticed that my ankles were raw and bleeding from ragged fingernail-shaped scratches. After a moment I remembered them itching very badly during the night. Maybe this was due to the chunk of fake tar heroin I had dissolved in water and insufflated last night. Maybe it was really impure or maybe I prepared it the wrong way, but whatever was wrong with it, there still might have been enough heroin in it to do someting subtle. Come to think of it, I did get a little bit of a rush and felt warm before I went to sleep last night. A_ noticed my wounds when I put some shea butter lotion on them. She scolded me like a small child for scratching myself bloody.
One of the problems I have when sharing a room with someone is that their thoughts intrude into my own headspace during the night. This I know is a purely subjective experience. It happens when I'm very relaxed and my mind is empty of thought, but it only happens in the presence of others. Overnight train rides or flights are the worst. Sharing a tent is bad too. It's a horrible cacophany of voices, songs, music blasting in my head. The sound sources are directional, and I can tell the people around me are emitting the "sounds." ---The sounds come from the people near me.
When it happens, it keeps me from resting properly. I can force myself fully awake and find my surroundings to be dead silent. But relax again and the noise comes back. And drugs exacerbate my sensitivity to this intrusion. So, the last few hours of last (the night of the tar) night were difficult. I was very relaxed, not asleep but not awake, just somewhere in between. Some of this time, A_ wasn't dreaming. In an in-between dream, but still deep sleep cycle, she was cycling or looping through a certain sequence of repetitive thoughts over and over for what seemed hours. Not a proper dream and not conscious thought, just her sleeping brain processing information fromt he day before. Kind of like the brain venting off the previous day's stress. I think most peopel do it. Mostly, the thoughts were emotionally charged with worry. She was looping on about how she was afraid I was going to leave her. This thought and others followed the worry theme of her sleep-thoughts. It upset me greatly. She has never told me about these worries before. Maybe I should ask her what's why she feels this way.