Extremely bad anxiety - have quit cold turkey for 2 months, still really bad

[Dark Invoker]

So I was introduced to drugs about 2 years ago. Popped my first pill at a festival and since then fell in love with the drug and the music. For the first year or so I'd be dropping once every 2-3 months, only when good DJs were about...over the last 8 or so months this escalated to every 2-3 weeks - going to my local trance club. Popping 3-4 pills on Friday night was standard (Aussie duds), MDMA, MDXX, Speed, 2CB (you never really know what you're getting with Australian pills). I was also a heavy pot smoker for the last 8 months, prior to that I was smoking 3-4 times a week, which then escalated to everyday without fail, including after every music festival/event.

I could feel the drugs were starting to affect my emotional/mental state. Small things were getting to me, I was over analyzing situations, becoming paranoid. Sadly, I had planned a Europe trip 8 months ago so obviously wasn't going to back out of it...Ended up binging hard on European drugs. I did some form of drug, be it coke/MDMA/ecstasy in 10/23 days - smoking weed almost every day as well.

When I got back home, went through an emotional breakup with a girl I had been seeing for a while, found out she had been sleeping with my co-worker for the same amount of time...I haven't touched any drugs since my trip (it's been 2 months) however my anxiety has gotten extremely bad. I will get nervous and anxious in every day situations where I shouldn't be. I will start sweating, my heart will start racing and sometimes my face will start flushing.

I've also been seeing a psychologist for the last month as I feel my anxiety stems a bit deeper than a chemical imbalance and had become a result of a negative thought process / low self confidence. I've been prescribed valium however am a bit skeptical in taking it as I have heard once you taper off, I've heard your symptoms can worsen...as I want a permanent cure rather than a temporary fix.

• How long will it take to past my drug withdrawals? (I'm assuming this is the cause of my anxiety)
• Should I take the valium for a few months (everyday/second day) to help me get past my withdrawals?
• Do you think it is the end of my drug use? I definitely don't see myself getting back to partying like I used to but I'd like to be able to drop 2-3 times a year for special events (Armin Only, A State of Trance etc.)

Educated opinions would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Dunno]

Back to the office..not the streets

 

[thedawn]

unfortunately it's gonna take time.for me,years before the anxiety that kept me house-bound
went somewhat away.I'm older than you,I was into the rave scene in the 90s and late 80s actually.London summer of love 88.
yeah,it's crazy.i loved it.the music.underworld.aphex twin.chemical brothers,massive attack,DJ Shadow(well,he's more hiphop but u know what i
mean.and of course the drugs.first weed,then weed every day,then some lines of European white amphetamine(not meth),E at times,
I was 24 when I broke down in misery and got hospitalized and things went strange for the next 15 years.

I unfortunately became so anxiety ridden that I went to the streets for relief.
don't do this.

it's VERY important that you keep the doses of valium as low as u can,you are privileged to have them.
take it EXACTLY as prescribed.

if you don';t want to end up using heroin or OC's or whatever kind of shit u guys have in Oz
you have to take action every morning to do the next right thing.
anxiety is underrated and it can become so bad that you get desperate and end up doing whatever.

so,be careful,be smart,don't ever use opiates,don't smoke crack,treat your fellow sufferers with respect.

much love from cali.

 

[Allein]

Hi thedawn, we have some things in common, I was hard into the UK free party scene from 1991-2000, pretty much every weekend with escalating quantities of the usual suspects.

I stopped for a number of reasons then had further issues with other substances on a more obvious abusive level before a fairly catastrophic mental implosion in 2010.

Valium is something I have abused illicitly since and gotten into serious problems with, I would not recommend it but that view is very much tainted by my own struggle with the drug. It isn't often prescribed in the UK for anything other than short term use due to its tendency to cause dependence and increasing tolerance, IMHO it only serves as a short term fix for anxiety.

I have grappled with the question of how much of my mental health issues are down to my long term drug abuse, counselling and CBT have led me to see that I've had problems with my view of the world and more specifically my view of me for a very very long time.
My drug abuse is a product of those issues.....happiness in a pill...hell yeah, but the party doesn't last forever and a combination of my less than sunny outlook and drug abuse ( as that is what it became ) is something I should not have taken so lightly.

That said I got back to work after 3 months away and have stayed in work ever since, my relationship with my long term partner has survived ( more a testament to her than me ) and I continue to take learnings from the breakdown and move forward.

I guess I haven't provided any answers to your questions, I think only you can really do that, you're not me and I'm not you but hopefully we have a few things in common, drop me a PM anytime

 

[thedawn]

thanx.might actually do that.
have some bs going on I've written about in other threads.

just staying strong as i can and trying to hit meetings.

 

[RobotRipping]

facing your fears is about the only thing that helped and some spiritual stuff i'm into. for the most part i'm anxiety free now but developed depersonalization and derealization from benzo addiction, so i use etizolam now, can't get high on it, it just works but it's still another crutch which sucks.

i'd get the fuck away from work to be honest, that's where a large majority of issues are coming from in our society today. Get into nature, do things one step at a time and don't overwhelm yourself. I forget how bad anxiety is until i withdraw, mine is so damn bad i can't function and tho i'm still medicating, those are some big things i learned; remember you aren't anxiety, it just afflicts you for a reason.

don't go the benzo route as i mentioned i have permanent issues now from years and years of ridiculous abuse. It made things worse; etizolam is a bit different but will lead you to a similar less damaging area of hell.

 

[Littlebears]

Hi Dark Invoker,

I was introduced to MDMA just over 2 years ago. After my first time I would also pop at various Australian festivals and night events every 2-3 months. End 2012/start of 2013 I started popping more frequently due to the increased number of events I was attending. Without realising I had started popping every 2-3 weeks. At time time I started to notice the effects did not feel as 'loving' as they use to be. The highs were not as high and the downs were pretty seedy. At one stage it started feeling like popping didn't improve my mood at all. Maybe there was no serotonin left?

The friends I had been popping with did not feel the same as I did and were still having fun. I noticed I was anxious everyday and was not finding much joy out of daily life. Unfortunately I also had a Europe trip planned mid 2013 that sent me to Ibiza twice. I used Coke instead which on repeated use started to have less effect and I was becoming increasingly addicted and anxious. En route to Tomorrowland, I experienced absolute lows that made me feel like I didn't want to use anything anymore. I sold my Tomorrowland tickets. When I returned home I was extremely anxious and suffered a mild-moderate period of depression. My soul had been crushed and I hated myself. I also didn't see much point to life (no suicidal thoughts).

It has now been 7 months since Europe and 1 year since my last drop. I am almost anxiety free and definitely not depressed.
I did some serious soul searching when I returned. I started reading spiritual books (Eckhart Tolle - The power of now), meditating, exercising and I tried yoga. I watched mindfulness related youtube videos and learnt about being in the present and embracing the now. I would highly recommend self exploration and awareness to help deal with the anxiety. Things will get better with time.
I use valium several times but only to help me sleep very occasionally. I think over time it just numbs your sensations which is counterproductive to embracing life. I would avoid this as much as possible.

It was hard for me to understand what was happening at the time because my friends were not feeling what I was feeling. Maybe I was more prone to anxiety initially. I had to distance myself from the old friends and habits of partying to pull myself out of that hole.

Only now the thought of taking MDMA doesn't make me feel like cringing. I am considering dropping this weekend at FMF. About 50/50 at this stage. If I do I will be doing 1.5-2 MAX and only for a small part of the festival. This will be a test run to see if my partying days are over for good or if it will be a once a year sort of thing.

It's nice to hear of someone that had a similar experience to me. I definitely should have come to these forums during my recovery.

If you are continuing with drug use I'd try to stick to MDMA and go minimal.

Hope you feel better soon!