Hey OP, what you’re feeling is something I can relate to quite well. I can't say I was ever diagnosed with clinical depression or anything for that matter. Although I had recently been experiencing something very close to what you described. I have been a regular pot smoker for years at this point; while I guess I am quite young still (21). I'd hate to do this but for my story to have any resonance it must been quite long. (Ill have a TLDR at the bottom)
I discovered pot at a very very early age, I think the first time I was high was when I was 12, and it was from simply being in the same room as a older relative who was smoking (No idea how much so long ago). I immediately liked it, although it would be another 2 years before I took my first hit. It was nothing serious like most kids, maybe during the weekend or after school someone would have scored a bowl, or a dime bag, maybe even a dub. Until I had a job (at 16) I never purchased weed myself.
I wouldn't consider smoking weed a problem then or now. I deem it quite a wonderful plant, and a very relaxing high, hell I swear I can function better when I can smoke.
Aside from that lets skip a bunch of boring shit and get to me being 18, done with school, my parents were quite poor, as a result so was I. I had quite a few jobs from 16-18, made who knows how much money anymore (much of it went to rent and food, whatever I didn't need went to weed).
I was broke ($) out of school, college wasn't even feasible. Got a new job in a noname grocery store was a meat cutter. Wasn't what I had wanted to do, or planned, but it was simple, and my size made the manual labor quite easy (I am around 6'10, 250lbs).
It turned out being a meat cutter paid quite well with exp. I had alot of money, and not a clue what to do about it. I could afford bags anytime and was quite happy with it. This is when I learned how simple it was to obtain an OZ; it was quite possibly the greatest discovery of my pot smoking career.
When I first started smoking Id maybe smoke 1-2 bowls a day after work, maybe 2-3 on a day off. My job had random UA's, so I did take it easy for quite a while, and managed to dodge the first, and after that I would simply take breaks so would piss clean then hop back on the band wagon.
Fast forward a few months, I started dealing, ontop of having a job, obtaining 5-6 OZ's a month hustling what I didn't smoke (Not a whole lot but, for me it was alot). This lead to more smoking then I was use to, mainly due to customers wanting to smoke me out, or match.
Around this time I started to care less and less about my job, and was just falling in love with my current lifestyle. On a side note I picked up smoking cigs from my job, was really close to a pack a day at one point, have recently slowed down. I only mention this because for anyone who smokes weed and cigs, they tend to just go hand in hand. I can't seem to smoke a bowl without a cig after, it just doesn't feel right.
For about 9-10 months my employer must have gotten lazy with the UA's or I was a lucky sob, didn't run into any sort of hurdle job wise, so during those 9-10 months I convinced my self a 30-40$ a day habit was quite fine(I know someone out there pshawed at that number). I don't know when I passed the point where I was high more then I was sober.
I started dealing more and more on the side when I wasn't working, and it went on from there. While this was all going on I was still living with my Mom, I was helping (at one point covering) rent, and she was quite fine with me smoking weed. My mom was Alcoholic, and I don't mean she would get shitfaced every other night, it’s more like she would be shitfaced 70% of the time, and just drunk the rest, I also learned she had a serious problem with painkillers.
When I was 20, I had 2 years of job exp, was making a decent paycheck, and most of that check I would turn into weed, and turn that back into cash and it was all working out quite well. I felt quite satisfied with myself that at least was until my Mom died.
Honestly most of my life I distanced myself from my family, and my mom. I found Alcoholism disgusting, and a part of my disliked my mom, and I hated her boyfriend. So I wouldn't be home much at all, when I was I didn't quite feel at home. When I was younger (who knows maybe 10-15) there were countless nights where I had to attempt to sleep while 2 inebriates shouted at the top of their lungs at each other.
It made for an unhealthy relationship with my family, so instead I had lots of close friends, and I had plenty of weed, I had a job where out of some miracle everyone liked me, even my boss.
Anyway after my Mom passed away something changed inside me, at least it felt that way. I was bombarded by a crushing wave of emotion and frustration and anger. The only response I had was to get high, and suddenly I was my old self, I could cope with what happened quite well, at least I thought. It still shook me quite a bit, I stopped dealing for a while; I simply had no interest in it at the time. Focused on work to try to keep my mind at ease.
Everything went smoothly for Id say two weeks; I was working, smoking, and overall in good spirits. Then one day I get pulled aside from work, not entirely sure about what, at least until I saw the guy my employer brings in for UA's. At this point I was just quite fucked, when I made the change to heavy smoker I started carrying some fake piss so I could make it through these UA's, sadly after I lost my Mom bringing my fake piss to work was the last thing on my mind. So I was fired.
**** For the Lazy start reading here ****
So now we are close enough to the present, and where I was relating to the OP. I now have been clean for quite a while simply because I am broke. After my Mom died (going to have to scroll up) there were quite a few bills to tend to. I had to find somewhere else to live (with a family friend), and have been unemployed for a few months. For a while after the first few days of not being high the effects were far worse than I had imagined, I did some light research before I started smoking weed regularly, and was convinced there weren't any long-term risks with weed, and I wouldn't suffer from serious withdrawals.
Yet for some reason, I felt terrible. I couldn't get up in the morning, just no motivation. I had no appetite for hours after Id wake, I would go maybe 8 before I could stomach food. It was hard to get happy about things I would normally enjoy alot. But just about the worst was the insomnia, laying in bed for 5 hours, dead tired, unable to get a bit of sleep, the entire time my mind would be racing thinking about all thats happened, and with whatever I did it came with a overwhelming sense of hopelessness. I really wanted to find a job right after I lost my last one, but I just felt unable to do anything. This went on for about two weeks, I at this point called up people I use to hang out with, just to smoke maybe a bowl, I figured it would help, and I would be lying if I said it didn't. It just wasn't the kind of help I needed, I still felt terrible when I came down the next day. It just lead to me calling up even more people. That went on for maybe 2 1/2 weeks. I eventually caught myself though, and managed to stop by simply deleting 95% of the phone numbers on my cell.
I’m not sure what was depression, and what was simply my extreme desire to get high, but I find it very unlikely that the two weren't connected in some way, maybe weed just became a crutch for the depression at one point, and without the high I could feel it.
Anyway, OP after a month and a half of being clean, I started to feel like my old self again, I don't think I’ll quite be the same person I was, but this is most likely the longest I have gone without smoking weed since I was 17. I am currently more focused on employment, but have considered smoking on the weekends, or if I find a job without drug testing, moving up to a bowl aday.
I wouldn't blame any of my problems on weed, honestly if I had more self-control I would still have a job, and most likely have a healthier self esteem. OP Id give it some time, and try not to get too down on yourself, but if you don't see any serious improvement in your mood. I would see a professional. I had considered it, but things like that are hard to do when broke.
I realize now I created a wall of text that would bore just about anyone to death, but I am sure someone will read at least the last few paragraphs.
EDIT: On a side note, I feel a little better sharing all this, it did take forever to type though.
