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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

Experimenting again after 6 years clean?

Legerity

Legerity

Bluelight Crew
Joined
Jul 29, 2010
Messages
2,965
Hi everyone,

I was a member here about 6-7 years ago. At that time I was 18 years old, dropped out of school, wasn't working, and was just doing a lot of speed/E. I ended up spending 4 months in rehab and I stayed completely off of all substances (except caffeine/nicotine, which I quit more recently) for 6 years.

A month or so ago I decided that AA/NA was closing my mind rather than encouraging my growth, so I left. I also resumed social drinking and it has not been much of an issue. This has led me to believe that I could experiment with other substances, now that I have a more mature mind and actually have somewhat of a life that I don't want to throw away. I work full time, will be starting my masters degree soon, pay all my bills, exercise, etc. I'm also in weekly therapy so I am doing my best to deal with my issues in life rather than run away from them.

In particular I am drawn to the MDMA experience. Also cannabis, which I had started to hate, but which at first I loved the feeling. I love dancing and so I'm drawn to the rave scene. In addition, I know somebody who is a member of a church that consumes Ayahuasca in a traditional ceremonial manner, which I would like to partake in.

I was wondering if anybody has any feedback on starting to use substances again but with the intention of using it for not only fun but also growth, rather than in a self destructive manner.

Thanks!
 
Sounds risky. Only takes one (insert DOC) to start a habit. You are at a good point in your life so why take the chance at throwing it all away?
 
Do you think it is impossible for somebody to become more responsible, or that it is not worth the risk of trying to find out?
 
Question: Did you have problems with alcohol use when you were 18?

Look, I'm not going to say an instant "no" because I personally was addicted to MDMA (100+ pills in a year) and I've used a couple of times after quitting for a year and a half and seem to be able to do it recreationally again. It can be learned to be treated with the respect it deserves. Speed, IMO, would be a lot riskier of a venture, and given that it does not have a mind-expansion element to it, I'd probably say not to touch it ever again. But psychedelics and MDMA are beautiful gifts and I do believe that wild and crazy choices made by an immature 18 year old won't necessarily be reflected by a matured older version of that person. I'd say that *if* you do roll or trip again, enjoy it, but don't get too personal with dealers -- do your best to safeguard yourself from that "one phone call away" situation. Perhaps do some with friends who only roll once a year or once a quarter so that you're limited by that.
 
I don't want to patronising or sound wise or anything.

But in my mid twentys things got really out of hand (but I was lucky)

If you are starting your Masters Degree, then you will need to have a clear mind.

The sacrifice is worth it in the end. Even if you only have letters after your name.
 
Redleader: No, I never really had a problem with alcohol.

I agree that the speed would not add anything in my life and would most likely be problematic. And it was certainly my substance of choice over E. But I also share the view that MDMA/psychedelics can be beneficial if used appropriately, which I need to weigh against my history and the potential risks.

Is it difficult for you to moderate now, or do you feel fine?
 
Well I have not been presented with the "one call away" temptation yet, so I cannot say what I would do if I was granted that. However, no, it's not that bad. Before, during my addiction, it was all about the nightclubs and the flash/flare - everyone was addicted around me and it almost felt like the "normal" thing to do. My best friend was a dealer, all of my friends rolled at least twice a week, etc. Now though, I will only do it in small groups in residential enviornments. We all respect it a lot more and there's not that constant craving for more component that you get in the rave scene. We plan things out well in advance usually, test pills, prepare ourselves and the host apartment, etc. It's ritualistic and not impulsive. And actually much more rewarding this way.

Ya, I mean the magic came back, the crashes aren't devistating anymore and it was great. And of course I'd *like* to do it tonight. But I'm fine just going out to a movie and then coming home and reading a book instead (which is what I'll likely be doing). I know that in a month or three, I'll do it again and it will be worth the wait.

I never would have bought that during my addiction, trust me!

But again, I only speak for myself. I am okay with it (mind you I have other addictions currently, so ya know...), but only since I now roll with older people who treat it more like a special event and less like an impulsive weekend go. I've seen people fall back into the scene and cause a lot of pain. I was too going for my Masters back when I got addicted and though I did receive it, it was a close call. I rolled 2 nights before my dissertation talk 8) . I almost lost everything. So do be careful.
 
Legerity said:
Do you think it is impossible for somebody to become more responsible, or that it is not worth the risk of trying to find out?
Click to expand...

The latter, mainly. But just because you can become "more responsible" in general does not necessarily mean you can become more responsible w/ drugs, especially if you've had such problems in the past that you had to seek such extensive treatment for them.

I don't know the particulars of your situation; in fact, I can't even really say whether I, myself, regret having tried drug x, y or z in the past. It's all so subjective.

If anything, I would recommend an ayahuasca trip. It tends to make you want to use less, IME.

Better yet, read around TDS a while. See the utter wreckage people's lives become when they are addicts. Decide for yourself if living that way is a feasible risk.
 
I'm not sure that the length of my treatment necessarily reflects the severity of my issues. I was 18 and didn't know what to do so I decided to go there, where my mother happened to be a volunteer. The people there range from potheads to biker gang murderers. Not to minimize my issue, but the treatment received doesn't really say much about the person. I certainly needed a kick in the ass and my thought patterns needed a good fixing.

I've well aware of the wreckage caused by addiction...you get to meet lots of people after years of AA/NA meetings. Even without that I can just take a look at my family where everybody seems to have some issue.

I appreciate your feedback, and I think extreme caution is warranted. My issue has nothing to do with whether I understand how bad addiction is. I've been there and have seen it 1000 times over. My question is more whether it is possible to overcome it. I think it's natural to question that after AA/NA has told me that I suffer from a disease and will most likely end up dead or in jail if I ever have a drink.
 
Legerity said:
I'm not sure that the length of my treatment necessarily reflects the severity of my issues. I was 18 and didn't know what to do so I decided to go there, where my mother happened to be a volunteer. The people there range from potheads to biker gang murderers. Not to minimize my issue, but the treatment received doesn't really say much about the person. I certainly needed a kick in the ass and my thought patterns needed a good fixing.

I've well aware of the wreckage caused by addiction...you get to meet lots of people after years of AA/NA meetings. Even without that I can just take a look at my family where everybody seems to have some issue.

I appreciate your feedback, and I think extreme caution is warranted. My issue has nothing to do with whether I understand how bad addiction is. I've been there and have seen it 1000 times over. My question is more whether it is possible to overcome it. I think it's natural to question that after AA/NA has told me that I suffer from a disease and will most likely end up dead or in jail if I ever have a drink.
Click to expand...


I think you are wanting a majority to post here and say it's ok and take the risk because you are a grown-up now. As junctionalfunkie said, just read TDS and see the wreckage of drug use. I don't think many people here started out thinking they wanted to become a (DOC) junkie. They wanted to get high.

Do you know that I am an addict but have never been stoned from these opiates and only get them via a script from my pain management doctor and never use them other than as directed on the bottle? Yeah! I am an addict though. I went through WD when I was lowered a few weeks back. I can't go more than 8 hours without my next dose of meds. It's ruining my life.

Don't do it please. Take the good memories of your drug days and reminisce about how much fun you had or whatever. Just don't take a risk with your life because it is not worth it!!! <3
 
junctionalfunkie said:
Just because they told you that, doesn't make it true. ;)
Click to expand...

You mean I've been lied to? :\


Help_me_please: Thanks for the feedback. I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties, and I hope that you are soon able to get off the meds. Are you unable to go without it because of pain, or because of the withdrawal?

I thought that this section would be the appropriate place to post with my question, but I realize now that it may offensive to those who are currently doing everything they can to get off of drugs. I apologize if this was not the right place to discuss these issues. They've been on my mind a lot lately and I'm trying to get as many opinions as possible.
 
Legerity said:
Help_me_please: Thanks for the feedback. I'm sorry to hear about your difficulties, and I hope that you are soon able to get off the meds. Are you unable to go without it because of pain, or because of the withdrawal?

I thought that this section would be the appropriate place to post with my question, but I realize now that it may offensive to those who are currently doing everything they can to get off of drugs. I apologize if this was not the right place to discuss these issues. They've been on my mind a lot lately and I'm trying to get as many opinions as possible.
Click to expand...

Legerity this is the place to post for sure :) I find no offense in what you wrote. I have read so much here and see the struggles people have gone through and continue to go through to get clean. I would feel so bad for you if you became an addict again after crawling out of that pit!

Me? Lol a lot of both. PM dr thinks I am nuts to want off the drugs. The pain is severe but not life altering (it's only my knee). When he lowered me a few weeks back I went into serious WD but still insisted he take me far down from what I was on at the time. He told me I'd get sick but being ignorant I did not know what he meant! Live and learn huh? He wants me to stay at the dose I am on till mid August though I would like to start the tapering now. I am scared of the WD more than the pain. I plan to have my knee replaced in the near future but want to be off all opiates before then. Hoping to have a spinal for this surgery like the last one but just in case I need to be clean.

So you see I am chicken at heart which is why I am asking you to not to take anything :) Unless you get a sign from above that says you have 100% coverage from addiction you know...
 
My two cents:

Wait until you've got that Masters degree, the house is paid for, the kids are through college, and you're retired. Yes I'm serious. Drugs are NOT going to go away between now and then. Take care of the things you want to accomplish other than the drugs. Once all of your lifes business is done, then and only then should you consider re-entering the game.

Yes it sounds absurd. Perhaps it is...

I was clean for a long time after a heroin addiction. 100% clean. No tobacco, no coffee, no nothing. It was only later, much later, that I re-entered the realm of mind-expansion/stupidity. One social drink led to another blah blah blah ramble ramble ramble I'll spare you the rest of the DARE commercial, but here I am, old and gray, tapering off of opiates for the umpteenth time, and once again trying to piece my life back together. Now mind you that just because things didn't work out for this successful well-to-do educated and damn good-looking ;-) old geezer doesn't mean they won't work out for you. Looking back I should not have just waited until old age- I should have waited until I was in the old-age home. That way I would have been too feeble to actually fuck myself up again!

Here comes the cliche': Kid- Log out of Bluelight, never log in again, and hit the books! Marry your dream girl, make beautiful babies, buy that house with the white picket fence, and don't EVER look back in this direction. Wanna expand your mind? Go hiking in the Grand Canyon, take your grandkids to Sea World, take a cruise to Alaska, or stand on top of a mountain and take a deeeeeeeeeep breath whiile looking back at this crazy moment in your life when you had the crazy idea that drugs could be good for you, and smile a VERY satisfied smile.

Or be sure and remember your new username and password for later, when things don't go the way you had hoped, and you're looking too much like me. You've got SO much going for you and SO much to lose. Take a break from the meetings and treat yourself well. Do some fun stuff. Take it easy. But please give this hairbrained scheme of yours a looooooong hard look and weigh the benefits versus the risks. You've got the world by the balls. Please don't blow it.

No matter which way you go I wish you the very best!
 
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be careful. at one time, i thought i could never get addicted to drugs again after experiencing addiction and seeing how bad it was. what happened? i got addicted to drugs again. now i am trying to recover from benzo withdrawal.
 
Hey buddy it seems as if helpmeplease hit the nail on the head; you came here for justification. Playing with fire my friend.
Hamclamp, so true, I should probably stop coming to this website and instead focus on my life, the extra time would be very welcome. But at least i've found my dream girl.
 
^ Hey DrPepper! How's it down there in Austin? 110 degrees everyday like last summer? Glad I'm not down there! :D

I've been on BL since 2001 or so (under different SN. Yes, I remember the sea-foam green color scheme. Blurrily.).

It was MUCH tinier then, focused almost entirely on MDMA (which I've never much cared for). I know by the Spring/Summer of 2003, Other Drugs existed, and was hugely helpful in helping me stop using heroin & cocaine.

In the few years after that, I began to realize how much of a trigger it was to go into OD. The more abstract forums were splintering and subsplintering and falling into place. In the past 2-3 years, I have almost exclusively lived in TDS, SO, F&T, NEMD, P&S and such; non-(directly)-drug-related forums.
I still use psychedelics occasionally, so I'll wander into PD now and then, mainly for the company! :) (Well, it USED to be pretty intellectual at all times. Lately, it seems every other post in PD is some teenager posting "Hai gaize! How can I tell if theez hitz r pure Lucy r Nott??) 8)

My point is: You don't have to leave BL. Just stay out of the "bad neighborhoods!" ;)
 
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