Enjoying the buzz thats left for today. I still have more shit, but the $100 I spent over the last 4 wks helping both Aimee AND myself to you know what, plus the 2 unpaid sick days I took off in April to kick Tramadol (and failed miserably) have left me fucked financially. On top of the lack of income, there are more medical bills that came in, in fact way too many for me to think about paying. The physical, mammogram, and annual exam that used to be free, well the pathologist and lab both sent me fucking bills, I'm like WTF? I haven't wanted to deal with this shit, or I've been feeling W/D's of some sort during work week, haven't had the slightest motivation whatsoever to deal with this horseshit. Now the time has come, the time I've been dreading horrifically, yet keep putting off after 5 days of W/D's every week....
Either put up with and bite the bullet for the misery....or continue with a small but ever growing habit with both the Rx and the meth. Either way I'm fucked in that by continuing, I'll have less money for bills that I'm already in trouble for that I can't pay. I've been meaning to haggle with the Probation people, cry and show proof of extreme financial hardship for the remaining $1367 they want, plus the student loan people, plus the dentist, the auto insurance, auto maintainance, all this crap just hits me at once and it sucks ass. It really is a hell of a lot harder to kick now than I remember when I last left off the shit at the end of 2006. So how long am I going to have to feel like crap big time with the W/D's....I don't know, but my fear is that it will go on and on and on, just like the damn Tramadol W/D's....3 months later I'm STILL in hell.
Then on top of that I have to put on the pretense of being so called "normal," yeah right. The runny nose is constant and steady, always having to blow my nose frequently, although I'm not hurting because of the shot of meth I had some 8 hrs ago. I had fun at Aimee and Linda's last night, but made sure to come home at 4am so I don't get confronted by Ma suspiciously grilling me about being on meth. The thing is I know that this shit is a real blow it. Every Tuesday comes around past 3 wks and I want relief from the W/D's, plus the joyful intensity of the altered state sister crystal brings....although my intuition is telling me to back off. Meth has made my sexuality climb 2 an all time peak and I've found myself writing and verbalizing out and out lewd behavior via literary content, and WHOA!
That shit can get me into some serious trouble or even emotional heartbreak if I'm not careful, but all this pent up sexual energy, and frustration at not having my share of holding a steady partner and doing the bone dance for both tension relief as well as the mild euphoria experienced merely holding a partner, all this shit just fucking exploded. Not just the sexual tension, but tears, sadness, frustration, lonliness, a feeling of missing human contact.....Strangely enough the X and the meth plus the writing, and talking to Aimee, Linda, and the house of fiends enabled me to accept my beauty and sexuality and the fact that there is like it or not, more of it on me now. I'd forgotten how much drugs heighten the intensity of touch and smell enabling incredible heightened state of sexual arousal and orgasm if persued. Inhibitions are at a total minimum, enabling more honest communication with either yourself or a partner. I'd forgotten how well drugs can help in that area because I had surpressed for so long.
So that's the positive outlook on all this....are they worth the eventual pain of W/D's? Yes and no, depending on how and when you look at it, but if I manage to get my shit back on track, then there will have been some definite pluses that came along with this relapse. Sigh. Getting back on schedule and kicking this shit for good is what I should do. Knowing and doing are two different things though. I hope I don't go and fuck it all up, if I haven't already. Word of advice, if you're clean and want to stay clean, stay the fuck off of Tramadol because for me that totally opened the can of worms of jonesin for the opiate beast all fucking over again. And look at me now. It's amazing how damn fast this lover/disease of addiction worked me over and got me a bit under his belt buckle once again. My goal is to somehow stay the fuck out of trouble, so God please help me. The only other regret is that if I hurt or pissed of Erik in any way, I'd gladly wave a magic wand to undo the damage if I could. That's the thing about getting high. You never know what the fuck results may come of it, especially after being abstinent a long while....
Either put up with and bite the bullet for the misery....or continue with a small but ever growing habit with both the Rx and the meth. Either way I'm fucked in that by continuing, I'll have less money for bills that I'm already in trouble for that I can't pay. I've been meaning to haggle with the Probation people, cry and show proof of extreme financial hardship for the remaining $1367 they want, plus the student loan people, plus the dentist, the auto insurance, auto maintainance, all this crap just hits me at once and it sucks ass. It really is a hell of a lot harder to kick now than I remember when I last left off the shit at the end of 2006. So how long am I going to have to feel like crap big time with the W/D's....I don't know, but my fear is that it will go on and on and on, just like the damn Tramadol W/D's....3 months later I'm STILL in hell.
Then on top of that I have to put on the pretense of being so called "normal," yeah right. The runny nose is constant and steady, always having to blow my nose frequently, although I'm not hurting because of the shot of meth I had some 8 hrs ago. I had fun at Aimee and Linda's last night, but made sure to come home at 4am so I don't get confronted by Ma suspiciously grilling me about being on meth. The thing is I know that this shit is a real blow it. Every Tuesday comes around past 3 wks and I want relief from the W/D's, plus the joyful intensity of the altered state sister crystal brings....although my intuition is telling me to back off. Meth has made my sexuality climb 2 an all time peak and I've found myself writing and verbalizing out and out lewd behavior via literary content, and WHOA!
That shit can get me into some serious trouble or even emotional heartbreak if I'm not careful, but all this pent up sexual energy, and frustration at not having my share of holding a steady partner and doing the bone dance for both tension relief as well as the mild euphoria experienced merely holding a partner, all this shit just fucking exploded. Not just the sexual tension, but tears, sadness, frustration, lonliness, a feeling of missing human contact.....Strangely enough the X and the meth plus the writing, and talking to Aimee, Linda, and the house of fiends enabled me to accept my beauty and sexuality and the fact that there is like it or not, more of it on me now. I'd forgotten how much drugs heighten the intensity of touch and smell enabling incredible heightened state of sexual arousal and orgasm if persued. Inhibitions are at a total minimum, enabling more honest communication with either yourself or a partner. I'd forgotten how well drugs can help in that area because I had surpressed for so long.
So that's the positive outlook on all this....are they worth the eventual pain of W/D's? Yes and no, depending on how and when you look at it, but if I manage to get my shit back on track, then there will have been some definite pluses that came along with this relapse. Sigh. Getting back on schedule and kicking this shit for good is what I should do. Knowing and doing are two different things though. I hope I don't go and fuck it all up, if I haven't already. Word of advice, if you're clean and want to stay clean, stay the fuck off of Tramadol because for me that totally opened the can of worms of jonesin for the opiate beast all fucking over again. And look at me now. It's amazing how damn fast this lover/disease of addiction worked me over and got me a bit under his belt buckle once again. My goal is to somehow stay the fuck out of trouble, so God please help me. The only other regret is that if I hurt or pissed of Erik in any way, I'd gladly wave a magic wand to undo the damage if I could. That's the thing about getting high. You never know what the fuck results may come of it, especially after being abstinent a long while....