Everything is going to shit. I am at my wit's end.

[dognasher]

I've been sober for two months. Off coke and heroin.

I am trying to run a store - I am two months behind on my mortgage, 50k in debt, and behind on utilities. I am trying so hard to fix all the bullshit from when I was addicted-but sometimes I just don't know if I can do this anymore. I work 60 hours a week. I have two jobs. I am a mom, I am somebody's partner...and I am crumbling under all the pressure.

I can't walk away from my biz lease because I sublease some of it out, and I don't want to get sued by either my landlord or my tenant. I have a LLC company so I am exempt from some issues but still...this is my dream. It's all I ever wanted. And I don't want to let it go.

I feel like my fiancee and I work and work and work and work and we still have nothing. I used to make six figures in my old life...before I had this insane dream. I wish I would have never taken the risk. I wish I would have played life "safe" like everybody else. I can't lose my house. I can't go through another Christmas not knowing where I will get the money to buy my kid presents. I have never had to worry about paying bills. Now I have to choose between buying groceries or paying a fucking electric bill. We are just extended beyond our means and am just at my wits end.

On top of all this? I am trying to stay fucking sober and this makes all of it four thousand times harder. I don't have the luxury of taking time off life to heal. I have to function at an unbelievably high level and I am responsible for so much and so many and it's just fucking breaking me. I will not relapse but how am I supposed to heal my brain when I have all this stress? I just don't know what to tackle first and I feel so stuck.

I guess this is better as a blog entry but I just don't know where to start or where to turn. I am scared. I'm really scared and I lie awake half the night, every night, just doing the math and wondering how the fuck I can sustain this and how I can move forward and stay sober. It's like I am paralyzed by fear and hopelessness.

I just want to enjoy my life with the person I love and have a simple life. I just want to work and enjoy things and not be a fucking failure.

 

[DixiChik]

DN...How would "things" be better if you were still USING?

DON'T...Just DON'T think of going backwards, for your child's sake. FUCK worrying about Christmas presents. BE PRESENT in your life for your child and for yourself.

Whether you THINK you can or you THINK you can't...YOU are right.

Stop thinking about what you perceive to be BAD. Life is hard and most times it does SUCK, whether for your "reasons" or for mine, which are totally opposite from a drug standpoint.

It's much like the metaphor of "eating a whole elephant...how?" It's one fucking bite at a time...steady...even if you have to puke in between bites. Sometimes I joke that I can't even manage to "bite its nails". I've been chawing on this fucker for 4 decades. I've had to find a way to laugh a while, cry a while.

You aren't a failure. Stop the self-defeatist thinking. Grab your mate and child and go for a walk, bike or run...whatever it takes.

I care.

 

[DixiChik]

Oh, and hey DN...I am deeply contemplating the true meaning of my so-called life. I cannot find pain relief through PM prescribed opiates, though I've given a big ole try for almost 2 years.

My husband said this weekend..."Fuck this, baby, we'll move to Colorado so you'll have MMJ". What's your business? I could use a career change, and God knows I'd love to leave this extended family drama behind.

We've spent our fucking lives taking care of others by any means necessary. It's not now, nor has it ever been reciprocated. We live amongst users/takers. I can't say "NO" no matter the cost to me, to him or our own welfare/happiness.

I'm being silly now, but hey...who knows? Cheer up, baby girl. Big ole bear hugs from deep in the heart of DIXIE.

 

[dognasher]

I know things wouldn't be better if I was using, and I haven't even entertained the thought, it is just exhausting. I try so hard to be posi for myself and others all the time, and sometimes I just feel like I can't take anymore. It's like right now I feel like I am doing precision surgery on my life, and I am not at 100%. I really need to be on top of shit right now and I'm still in early recovery so it's just taking the life out of me...I am super grateful for everything in my life, and that I even have options. Most of all I am grateful to have love in my life because that is so much more important than money, but I worry about my fiancee's well being, as he has been through a lot too with my addiction, him going back to school, and working his ass off... and I wonder sometimes how much he can take before he really starts to resent me. The man can only be a saint for so long.

Im just tired. I am physically tired and emotionally tired.

I like the elephant metaphor tho! Never heard that one before and it's great. Haha!

Thanks DC.

Edit: Just saw your other post. I own a jewelry store. It's been my dream forever. And now it's here and much like a new baby, it's really screaming and spitting up more than I expected.

I am lucky to live amongst many wonderful people who are honest and good, and who inspire me. But sometimes I feel like it would be easier to move to the nearest shitty motel and live with lowlifes who expect nothing of me.

Colorado is great though, it's a great place to move! There are lots of jobs here cause of the MMJ industry and the weather is beautiful. It's expensive as hell though. Where in the south are you from? I ask the south because of the avatar. We love the south. Entertained the thought of moving to New Orleans not long ago. Also Charleston, where my family is from.

 

[DixiChik]

Oh, Hell No! Don't even say that "shitty motel" SHIT! It gives me the "skeeves" (sic) Is that even a word, or just my usual twisting of the English language?

Nah...You've gotta know that NOLA isn't the place to start NEW, if you want to live "simple, start over, sober & clean". Yes, NOLA is a fun place to visit, but I'd never want to live there...EVER. That city is the gateway, IMO, to all things EVIL. It's about 5 hours from here (MS) and we drive down for long weekends of good food and drink. I'm always happy to get back to my "rural" home.

KEEP CLOSE to those who are "honest and good...who inspire you". A lack of accountability is a BAD THING for you and your sobriety.

I've NO DOUBT we'd love Colorado. THE BIGGEST mistake of our 35 year marriage was staying in MS after graduating Ole Miss. We both wish we had relocated cross country. Youth and ignorance kept us here. Don't get me wrong, I am proud of my Southern roots. Our SEC football is our religion...Go Rebels!!! We just should have spread our wings when we had that option. We didn't. We stayed and we regret that decision.

It's too late for us, really. My therapist says that no matter how far or fast I run, my fucked up family history will be with me in my heart and mind. He's right, but I'd like to give it a try. My body is wrecked by traumatic injury and disease...and a refusal to QUIT working hard through it all. What has it gotten me? Old, tired, bitter, repeat...

I smoked weed last month for the first fucking time in my whole life. I was hoping to find some pain relief, yet maintain my high expectations of SELF. I got high alright, totally shitfaced. I couldn't stand up, much less function. I told my husband (according to him) that "Goddamn this feels good, not to be worried about everybody/thing in my life". As I sobered up, I knew that smoking weed is not for me.

Now...oils or tinctures or sublingual drops...I would try in a heartbeat.

 

[dognasher]

Yes, the NOLA idea was before I was clean. Probably not a good idea now. I am happy here in Denver. And I'm not gonna go to the motel, don't worry! Haha!

Yesterday just sucked. I just find it all overwhelming sometimes. I am so worn out and sometimes shit just gets me down. I know it will pass but man, it's a hard knock life right now!

For pain, tinctures and the topical stuff is the way to go if you don't like being high. Also you can get strains that have less THC and more CBD, which will barely make you feel high at all but will take care of pain. One really good one is called Harlequin. My fiancee is the world's biggest stoner and I don't love being stoned that much but I have endometriosis and old running injuries so he always tries to find me strains I would enjoy. I am happy to send you a list if you want. You can always make a trip to your nearest weed state and pick some up!

The weed now is so freaking potent that it can seriously get you fucked up hard if you aren't careful. We stick with Indicas, mostly. Sativas make me personally feel like I am on acid and I start contemplating the world way too much. No bueno for me.

Oh man I wish I coulda seen you high for the first time! That must have given your husband a chuckle.

 

[DixiChik]

Hey Sweet...Glad you're feeling a little more positive today. I understand being overwhelmed, believe me. It's beyond impossible most days to maintain my career, my personal life and oversee the care of my 89 yr. old mom. She's in a nursing home, but I'm "on call" 24/7, literally.

You have endometriosis? I have stage 4 and it is the bane of my existence. It robbed me not only of my health, but also of the children we always wanted. smh I was in such pain last night, I slipped out of bed to sit up...rather than wake hubby.

I'm in PM, but opiates are not the answer, as they exacerbate my GI issues...making pain worse. I've been told the THC:CBD has properties to ease inflammation and some level of pain. I can't try the MMJ without a compassionate friend! Sadly, legal states are too far away for me to make the drive. We can obtain street grade weed, but I need the medical dispensary product...I think.

Oh, I wouldn't mind a little mood lift along with a dab of pain relief. Depression for me, is harder than pain. That says A LOT!!! IF I could sample and find if/which works for me, my husband says he'd grow it for me. I just don't want to smoke, though it's a funny story hubby enjoys telling!

 

[dognasher]

I do have endometriosis. So does my mom. So did my grandma. I am an only child because of it, and my daughter is an only child because of it.

Mine is not super horrible but my mom had to get a hysterectomy at 40 because of it. The birth control I use helps it and I guess I just got lucky because it's not too debilitating.

I do get RIP ROARING periods that leave me basically disabled and this is where the high CBD count in the pot helps - its the THC that gives us the head high and possible paranoia, but its the CBD that makes us able to sleep and relieve pain, so they think.

And I use a strain with a high CBD count whenever I am on my period, and I swear to you, its better than any opiate or anti-inflammatory I have ever had. Truly. I would actually still be writing in pain during my period even after shooting a gram of heroin throughout the day, but I would smoke a bowl and be okay to sleep.

Try it. I'm telling ya, it could very well help you a great deal. And then maybe you will be able to poop again! Totally kidding. I know that the constipation of the opiates drives you bananas.

 

[DixiChik]

Wow...6 degrees of separation, huh? I'm deeply sorry for any and all women who have to suffer this disease. I had my TAH/BSO by age 33, followed by Lupron and Megace. The surgery ended my hemorrhage level periods since age 11, but left me with damaged goods for organs.

I try really hard to battle through the pain and stay focused. I have a wicked sense of humor, some perceive as "witch"ed. My husband often tells me I'm full of shit. I say "yes, you're right dear"...jet brown eyes and all!

Being able to poop again would be a blessing...I enjoy "typing" with you. I'm curious about "dognasher". Maybe I missed something...Care to elaborate?

Meanwhile, hope you find some giggles with those you love tonight...My husband and I are big ole kids about Halloween. We dress full out every year and visit the elderly (senior peeps) delivering goodies!!!

 

[dognasher]

Ugh. Lady problems are no joke! I enjoy typing with you too!

You're not the first to wonder about dognasher. Here's the story...

There is this guy in Colorado who, in the 90's and early 2000's, used to prank call people and make CDs. He called himself Longmont Potion Castle. He was really funny. One of his pranks was calling this lady in the suburbs of Denver up and telling her he could hear her dogs "gnashing" at each other and that he was going to call the cops. Of course, he, wasn't, and it's hard to translate how hilarious this was when I am typing it out, but my best friend and I used to play it over and over and laugh our asses off.

If you look up "Longmont Potion Castle" on google or youtube you can hear some of the pranks. I love Clown Motel. Anyway. I have a weird sense of humor and they always get me, every time.



So there you go. "dognasher" was born. Ha!

 

[manboychef]

Everything will eventually get better. I hate to sound cliched but say to yourself "this too shall pass."

Maybe your expectations are too high and you are forecasting bad weather when you should be enjoying the weather thats happening right now. Dixie is right. Hug your family and spend time with them. They need you, and chances are they don't care if your at 100% or not...they just care that you are there.

Dixie you are so right about the elephant thing. I laughed pretty hard when I read that. I even heard it in my head in a southern accent. Just do what you can, and be proud of that. If things fail, than that is how it is. If they succeed then enjoy it. God provides, and barring faith in god, the community will.

You are an awesome person and I hope it gets better. Just slow down

 

[DixiChik]

Hey dognasher...Sorry I'm MIA. Long story I'll post in Pain Management Megathread, so I don't "obstruct" your thread! I gave in and went to the ER on Friday for CT scan of abdomen due to EXCRUCIATING LEFT SIDE PAIN. My GP is out til Tuesday. Her NP told me to go to the ER for scan.

Basically, no poop no matter what=massive distention/pain in left colon stricture=feeling of imminent rupture or perforation of bowel. CT scan confirmed stool not moving through stricture..."NO SHIT, Doc!" He said I have a massive stool clog in upper left colon and his words..."a bladder full of bacteria". He sent me away with fucking LACTULOSE (really?) and Cipro.

I told him in normal, civilized "not DixiChik speak" of my anatomical issues with colon, etc. I told him this condition is par for the course with stage 4 endo...colon obstructed/inflammation chokes bladder, so it can't empty. Fix one, fix the other. I asked him about Linzess. He crossed his arms and said "what about it?"

I'm thinking "You smug SOB...Do you not hear me? I'm telling you that my GI system has required softeners, Miralax, yatta yatta DAILY to get a poop a week. Why can't you script Linzess?" I know the stuff is $250+ per month, but right now that's better than emergency surgery! He wouldn't listen. I wanted to reach for his ball sack and twist until he bent over in pain, then say "What about it?"

I refrained.

As I knew, the Lactulose has done nothing...or the Perdiem, Dulcolax, Senna, Miralax, and now that god awful Magnesium Citrate. Oh, and the party fun part...4-32 oz enemas of warm water+mineral oil. Nothin...NADA...even put my TENS unit on left quadrant (nope).

I guess next "move" will be GI doc appointment tomorrow to see if scope tube up ass will "untwist" flecture. If not...fml...sugery.

Rant over...After I say I HATE FUCKING DOCTORS who don't listen/learn from patient records/history/communication...Yet I'm the mofo who has to suffer.

okay...I digressed (sorry) Thanks for explaining your username. I always like to ask, if it's not obvious. Hey...I'm ALL FOR HUMOR...whether light, dark, macabre or self-deprecating! Laughter is a major weapon in my arsenal of constant pain coping skills. When you're feeling overwhelmed by it all, step into the sunshine (literally) come back with a new perspective. Remember...SMALL BITES of the elephant. Seasoning (joy) helps the taste of everything, whether it's an afternoon at the park, or a little picnic with your family, a funny silly movie w/popcorn, etc.

"Come apart and rest awhile before you come apart" Print that mantra in big bold letters and keep it handy. Easy to remember, hard to do, but essential in survival. I love what manboychef said. He KNOWS what you're going through, as he's come through hell fires in his life.

manboychef...lol on the southern accent elephant thang! Hey, but if you're in central Florida with no Southern accent...I'm assuming you're a "transplant"? No worries...I put 3 syllables in RED!

On a less poetic notion...A shitty day is better than "no shit" for DAYS!!! Y'all get out and enjoy your Sunday. Hopefully, I'll be riding the porcelain bus. That beats surgery!

I'm always around if either of you needs me. Yes, I talk (and type) a lot. But I'm a good listener too. Giving/receiving support from one another is priceless. I care.