Oh fuck, see, for this reason I think there ought to be a Bluelight fund put together to help people in times of need, although administering that sort of thing would be a logistical nightmare, considering we're all fucking broken.
Still, you should
NOT be coughing up blood. Everything else you mentioned? You're doing that to survive, and whilst it's not too clever, it's not exactly stupid; you could try and get access to a computer again today and then prepare a Curriculum Vitae to pass around and maybe get yourself some work that won't involve you degrading yourself by engaging in sex acts with strangers for money, and I really shudder to think of how you manage to swallow all of that, morally and so-on, because I just cannot imagine selling my very body for money; I respect those who can do it, because it's such a huge thing, but I couldn't do it myself: I would die first.
Then again, I say that, but put me on the streets, with no savings and noone to give me a helping hand, and maybe you could buy me. Ugh.
What can you do to get yourself out of this?
What can you do to help yourself regarding your drug use?
What can save both you and your boyfriend?
Is your boyfriend an abusive man?
Is he good to you?
I just mention this because you seem scared to tell him that you're using, and rightly so: almost anyone would be troubled when telling a loved-one, but will he lash out at you and somehow make your life worse by, I don't know, leaving you and thus preventing you from using any of the money he's earning as a means to recover from your coughing up BLOOD?
I'm going to assume that the drugs are all you look forward to (well, you've already said that it's drugs and suicide, and I fully understand that 100%) but the expense is leading you straight into dire poverty-stricken straits, and there
seems to be nothing that can be done. I am shocked that there's nothing like there is in England, where you can walk into a 'Job Centre', which are basically buildings with staff who gather up regional job vacancies and post them for those who're qualified to then read them and apply, although it does ensure that you end up with hundreds of people chasing the same shitty application because it's
ALL there is...
On the other hand, they also hand out weekly payments based upon your abilities, and if you're in any way disabled you're likely entitled to more money, then money for getting into a house, money for travelling to interviews and all that - it's good! The system may be old and fucking ridiculous with many of its utterly pointless and asinine rules, which basically demand you kill 'X' amount of hours per day with its nonsense, but bureaucracy always adds that layer of nonsense.
But raging on the state of the system is like pissing on a lava-flow and it's not within the scope of this problem. I'm sorry for that, everyone.
Get onto some sort of helpful programme where they'll allow you to get off your drugs whilst giving you a suitable substitute, like methadone or buprenorphine, talk to your boyfriend about it and tell him that you really don't want him to leave;
tell him how you feel because if all you think about is getting high or killing yourself, then you're
CLEARLY in trouble and I want you to get help! Now, once you've done that, look for work where you won't have to have strangers fucking you. Hell, stripping might be something you could do and it'd be far better than having a sticky encounter with some weirdy, bearded stranger...
Go ahead and get high...but just remember, when it wears off you're back at square one. If you have to fuck for money, that's just how it is. For now, but not forever. If your boyfriend dumps you, deal with it. Don't kill yourself, because you'll never know if something fantastic is about to happen. Hang on a bit, and muddle through.
What's most important to you? You have to think about that...so for now, I'd say enjoy the high, make a few bucks, and take one day at time.. You'll go mad if you try to solve every single fucking thing at once.
The last bit about trying to solve everything at once? That's very important.
Also, why are you in a relationship with a man who can't handle you being on drugs? He shouldn't
AUTOMATICALLY hate you for that sort of behavior, unless he's a history of violence or some sort of hypocritical ex-user who now can't stand being judged but will judge the shit out of every other person on drugs, you need to tell him... Or keep him on a need-to-know basis, because maybe he's doing his best, and with the two of you trying, you'll be able to find something?
Most important of all, coughing up blood is a symptom of some pretty
DANGEROUS illnesses and I advise you to not only Google this, but to call an ambulance
ASAP!
Take care and keep us all posted.
Basically... you
need to see a doctor. For now, if you can, try to tell us more about this blood you're coughing up; tell us about the pain and when it started and what sort of consistency it's like, because it could be caused by so many things, I'm sure there're a few medical students or perhaps pathologists or even practicing Doctors here who'd be glad to, anonymously, tell you what it might be, and I hope you've had all of your vaccinations!
