Everlasting 'damper' on natural euphoria?

[Seattle_Stranger]

I'll make it short and sweet, but it's a real complex problem I've had in my life ever since I first got severely depressed. Now that I'm not longer depressed, down, and out, I still have this lingering problem, and I'm curious if anyone else ever feels this. I'm also curious if anyone has ever beat it. I'm afraid I could be stuck with this for the rest of my life. If you want the super short version, scroll to the red.

Last November, I rolled on MDMA with a good friend and my girlfriend. This would be my third or fourth time actually rolling. There were a couple times before that where my friend and I had some MDMA powder, neither of us had rolled before and on a couple occasions we would insufflate some of the powder in an attempt to get high, but never actually got to a point of rolling. For some crazy reason, we didn't think swallowing would work so we railed it. It wasn't until we actually started swallowing the pills (crazy concept, I know) that we felt what rolling was all about, and I consider the times I swallowed pills to be the times I've officially 'rolled'.

Having said that, on the night in November, my friend and I were taking hits of duster (bad idea, I know) while rolling face at my house. After one particular hit of duster, I closed my eyes as it started to hit, and felt what I remember to be a sort of 'click' inside my head. I opened my eyes and suddenly I didn't know where I was, who my friends were, who I was, and I saw life in front of me in a series of shapes. The question "What is it all for?" presented itself to me, meaning basically what is life for, why are we here, why do we fight so hard to survive, what's the point...etc... This scared the piss out of me because I was NOT expecting to trip out like that nor could I ever have expected to see what I saw. I finally pulled out and away from it and came back to earth, but now, I look back, and see this as a life changing event. From that point forward I became SEVERELY depressed, daily crying spells, never smiling, lost 30 lbs from not eating, no sleep, etc., all for reasons I couldn't explain. This continued for months and months. I abstained from all hard drug use (pot and alcohol only) during this time and started on diazepam for anxiety attacks and lamotrigine for depression.

Fast forward to today, nearly a year later, and I'm extremely happy with life. I'm content, I'm energetic, eating right, I finally got my life back on track. Still on lamotrigine and also have a script for clonazepam for rough spots. Although I'm better, healed, and feeling great, I still have this problem, and here it is:

Whenever I start to have fun, or enjoy myself, laughing, messing around, whatever it is that would normally trigger a natural euphoric feeling, I enter this somewhat dysphoric thought loop that I can only explain as "Don't have too much fun!" or "You're not supposed to feel any happier than this." It's not exactly those thoughts, but similar. Like a 'damper' of sorts. If I hit a point where I'm starting to become naturally euphoric, I hit this damper and I get brought back down by dysphoric thought patterns. Every. Single. Time....... Unless I'm on something like MDMA or opiates. I've rolled twice since the 'incident' back in November (both times in the last 2 months) and it was only during these times of extreme euphoria that I felt....well.....what felt LIKE normal happiness and contentment. I used pod tea on weekends for a while not too long ago, and also during pod tea highs I'd simply feel normal, happy, and naturally euphoric. Any other time, be it just kickin' it with buddies around a fire, hanging out with my girlfriend, playing music, anything that makes me happy, I get those feelings of "Don't you be gettin' too happy now...". Ugh!!!

I'm not addicted to anything, never have been, and never abused any drug for long periods of time. The MDMA insufflation kick lasted seriously a couple weekends over the course of about a month, and also the pod tea thing was also weekends only, for about 2-3 months. I smoke weed nearly every day, a beer or two nearly every day, but nothing else habitually. It should also be noted I do get these same dysphoric feelings if I'm drunk and/or stoned. It takes much harder drugs to completely flush that feeling away, and I will never, ever resort to that as a solution.

Does this happen to anyone else? I can't be alone in this!!!

 

[Seattle_Stranger]

I just thought of this analogy, I think it fits the feeling rather well.

Pretend you have your dream car, but just recently crashed it and totaled it. Initially, you were absolutely devastated. Now you're over the initial shock, and you're hanging out with friends. You're having a good time, but every now and again throughout the night you inevitably remember "Oh yeah, my car..." and your buzz gets killed by dysphoric reminders. You start to have fun again, but then remember about the car again, feel crappy, start to have fun again, remember car, feel crappy, etc..

THAT is the kind of feeling I seem to have nearly all the time, except I don't think about a particular thing that's making me unhappy. I just generally keep getting reminded to "not have too much fun". If anything, I think about how "normal people would probably feel awesome right now, but I can't".

Frustrating!

 

[belfort]

sounds like Dysthymia...and yep i have this exact same problem..ive had it for a long time and im sure it started before drugs but obviously drugs made it worse..what to do about it??wish i knew

 

[Fornax55]

it's possible that your brain is just hardwired to remember the feelings of pure bliss that you felt while you were rolling. it's quite true that drugs make someone far happier than they could ever be without them (at least for the duration,) - perhaps you're expecting too much of sobriety?

that might sound a bit harsh, but i feel something similar. i still have fun when i'm sober (if i actually get out and do anything,) but whenever i laugh or smile, something lingering in the back of my mind reminds me that "if i were on drugs, i'd be laughing twice as hard..."

 

[Seattle_Stranger]

it's possible that your brain is just hardwired to remember the feelings of pure bliss that you felt while you were rolling. it's quite true that drugs make someone far happier than they could ever be without them (at least for the duration,) - perhaps you're expecting too much of sobriety?

that might sound a bit harsh, but i feel something similar. i still have fun when i'm sober (if i actually get out and do anything,) but whenever i laugh or smile, something lingering in the back of my mind reminds me that "if i were on drugs, i'd be laughing twice as hard..."

I've tossed around the possibility that post-drug-use I have come to expect too much from sober euphoria, however I find it hard to not think back to myself before I ever used any drugs, and I feel like I used to be able to get there. Don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting to be in complete bliss, rushing euphoria, rolling status, etc.. However, I'd like to be able to just have a knee-slapping good time with friends without thinking to myself "Better not have too much fun!!". I think back, and I remember times hanging out with friends and just having a ball, having fun, not worrying about a damn thing, and loving everything about life, not once feeling like this.

I wish people could just bring their heads into a 'brain mechanic' much like you can with a car, and have him just take a look, you tell him the symptoms, and he knows just what the problem is and how to fix it, and then he overcharges you for a bunch of crap you didn't need, however you walk out of the office with a perfectly functioning brain.... Do we have a business opportunity here or what!??! %)

 

[Seattle_Stranger]

After reading up on dysthymia, anhedonia, blunted affect and schizophrenia, I'm beginning to draw some conclusions....

Yeah I need to talk to a psychiatrist.

 

[Bojangles69]

That just sounds to me like a self defense mechanism by how you regulate your emotions. Some people will avoid certain stimuli that are known to produce positive emotions, ie. I will not date or get in any sort of relationship with women, sexual or emotional (only for the last few years it was the total opposite in the past).

I could say that earlier child hood experience have came back to haunt me, or I can look at it more generally and simply tell myself "I'm afraid to be happy". Almost like the idea that people would rather fail than be in a position of power. As when you are in power, you are susceptible to a greater form of failure.
Same as when you are only somewhat ok with your life, you can't be let down as much vs being extremely happy with your life. Theres just less room to fall really.

I think by regulating your emotions like that, you avoid a good deal of positive peaks, but you also are avoiding certain lows at the same time. I can't go as far as saying its "abnormal" because in reality, its YOUR coping mechanism.
It would be the extent to which you avoid positive emotions where it becomes a true issue. And thats definitely something a psychologist could help you with.

 

[Jabberwocky]

I think Bojangles69 has it. I'm not saying that it couldn't be biological, but from reading your first post, it was also my impression that you've kind of created psychological settings to attenuate intense pleasure. Many people with mood or substance problems use for state changes or to attain disinhibition. Over coming one's internal censor of certain states or of spontaneity is more difficult without drugs for many people but relying on drugs for relieving inhibitions can become hellish, especially when chemicals become less capable of producing the desired state.

The fact your noticing the process makes it seem likely to me that you'll be able to bypass these settings after a while. Good nutrition and exercise might give a general boost that could be helpful.

 

[PaulyPointz]

I kind of do that too, but I don't think it is from drug use as much as from supressed grief that I've never dealt with. I say this after reading the OP's car analogy. Another thing I will do is when I'm really naturally happy I'll start to get into loops of obsessive worry, like "you can't truly be happy because X is about to happen." Yeah, it sucks.

 

[Lord]

Using weed, alcohol, and benzodiazepines will make your depression worse in the long run. I'd suggest quitting, but simply reducing the amount of drugs you take should help. Give it at least a few months before you give up. All three of these classes of drugs have only done me harm. Of course, the perceived positive short-term effects are why many people get addicted and damage their lives. I'd definitely slow down with the weed, as daily use is either abuse or close to it, and it's the same deal with weed as with other drugs.

 

[brandy42]

Yes, indeed. Welcome to the world of experience.

I'm usually more helpful, but its late or even early morning.

If you broke up your post into paragraphs, then it would be more readable.

If you're lost you will find a way.

I hope you can find a resolution.

Regards.