In light of some darkness in my life.
quitting my job- ingloriously, by creating an insane vortex of everything fucked up.
i loved my job, but resented that my boss put everything on me, no vacation time, no assistant. So in the span of 3 months - stopped caring.
I am not so sad about not having a job, as I am sad to make M so upset and stress, and angry at myself for allowing such misjudgment to fuck so much up. Extremely outside of my personality.
I have never fucked up so horribly with such disregard in my life.
As last night was another sleepless night of anguish, worry, disappointment, and hamster wheels of criticism thwarted at my psyche. I keep remembrance of being present and focusing on now, because really that is all I can do.
So now, I am currently cramming in 10 years of Mathematics to score well on the admissions assessment test. I really would like to avoid taking classes I aced in high school, alas dusting off the algebra that lay on a forgotten fold in my brain next to chemistry & DARE.
I forgot how much I actually enjoy studying. I hope I recall this feeling when knee deep in exams.
For now I am hopeful, though fearful of my future. But the good docs and their amazing tests will only tell. I worry that I may have cushing's syndrome or something more on the serious psychiatric side. Not histrionic, just serious self evaluation of how i feel; chronically fatigued, unfocused, non-cohesive thoughts and speech, forgetfulness, apathy, lethargy, and other actual physical maladies that are a bit too personal than I am even will to share with bl. None are attributed to drug consumption, actually it seems (haha) the lowering of mind altering drugs over the past 2 years (not that I was amazingly excessive to begin with) shows an opposite curve to my well-being.
But this too I am striving to set aside until the appropriate evaluations are allocated. Though, I wasted three days of potential studying to slump into a pile of fright, bitterness, and shrill.
Because of my health, truly fucking up my past job, and going to school in a few short weeks; I am left with little self-confidence concerning new work. I keep browsing through adverts...
Too much responsibility, too many hours, too menial, NO food (the last restaurant I worked at, I developed bulimia!), No Background checks, No drug testing, Too far from where I live...
Unfortunately I too often take on more than what is humanly possible (lol). I promised myself I would only seek what I can actually handle.
Though because of the "economy" I note TONS of managerial positions- which a year or two ago I would have jumped to the occasion.
You know the jobs that make you the company bitch- Ordering, data entry, Customer Service, Research etc etc.
Yeah, I have concluded that companies that offer theses "all inclusive" jobs- are bat shit crazy to think one person could effectively do every task perfectly. Been there, done that- check please.
No amount of pay could make such an advent worthy. 99% of the time an employer will pay a person 14 dollars an hour and promise an assistant "in the near future" - which will never happen. So there goes vacations, days off, sick time, planning for anything outside of your job.
Slowly I am getting myself together, for now a crawl- maybe tomorrow a sprint. Or whatever I have energy for.
xo
quitting my job- ingloriously, by creating an insane vortex of everything fucked up.
i loved my job, but resented that my boss put everything on me, no vacation time, no assistant. So in the span of 3 months - stopped caring.
I am not so sad about not having a job, as I am sad to make M so upset and stress, and angry at myself for allowing such misjudgment to fuck so much up. Extremely outside of my personality.
I have never fucked up so horribly with such disregard in my life.
As last night was another sleepless night of anguish, worry, disappointment, and hamster wheels of criticism thwarted at my psyche. I keep remembrance of being present and focusing on now, because really that is all I can do.
So now, I am currently cramming in 10 years of Mathematics to score well on the admissions assessment test. I really would like to avoid taking classes I aced in high school, alas dusting off the algebra that lay on a forgotten fold in my brain next to chemistry & DARE.
I forgot how much I actually enjoy studying. I hope I recall this feeling when knee deep in exams.
For now I am hopeful, though fearful of my future. But the good docs and their amazing tests will only tell. I worry that I may have cushing's syndrome or something more on the serious psychiatric side. Not histrionic, just serious self evaluation of how i feel; chronically fatigued, unfocused, non-cohesive thoughts and speech, forgetfulness, apathy, lethargy, and other actual physical maladies that are a bit too personal than I am even will to share with bl. None are attributed to drug consumption, actually it seems (haha) the lowering of mind altering drugs over the past 2 years (not that I was amazingly excessive to begin with) shows an opposite curve to my well-being.
But this too I am striving to set aside until the appropriate evaluations are allocated. Though, I wasted three days of potential studying to slump into a pile of fright, bitterness, and shrill.
Because of my health, truly fucking up my past job, and going to school in a few short weeks; I am left with little self-confidence concerning new work. I keep browsing through adverts...
Too much responsibility, too many hours, too menial, NO food (the last restaurant I worked at, I developed bulimia!), No Background checks, No drug testing, Too far from where I live...
Unfortunately I too often take on more than what is humanly possible (lol). I promised myself I would only seek what I can actually handle.
Though because of the "economy" I note TONS of managerial positions- which a year or two ago I would have jumped to the occasion.
You know the jobs that make you the company bitch- Ordering, data entry, Customer Service, Research etc etc.
Yeah, I have concluded that companies that offer theses "all inclusive" jobs- are bat shit crazy to think one person could effectively do every task perfectly. Been there, done that- check please.
No amount of pay could make such an advent worthy. 99% of the time an employer will pay a person 14 dollars an hour and promise an assistant "in the near future" - which will never happen. So there goes vacations, days off, sick time, planning for anything outside of your job.
Slowly I am getting myself together, for now a crawl- maybe tomorrow a sprint. Or whatever I have energy for.
xo
