TheAppleCore
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jul 14, 2007
- Messages
- 5,510
The following is a real personal anecdote.
...
I wind up at this party, at a friend of a friend's place. I'm pretty much positive that I'm not going to enjoy it; in fact I'm sure that I'll come home feeling dejected and worthless, like I usually do after doing stuff like this. I'll stand around, the silent observer, watching everyone else talk and laugh and enjoy each other's company, wondering why I'm the only one that has to feel awkward and out-of-place. But, in a way, that's why I accepted the invitation. I decided I needed to step outside my comfort zone. Have an adventure. Fuck it, I said; I get in the car.
As soon as I pull up, I'm already intimidated. This guy is clearly a few rungs above me, financially at least. Beautiful home he owns, with a sleek sports car in the driveway. The place is packed, too; it's a pretty chaotic event, and the electronic music pumping through his stereo system picks up where the chatter leaves off. Initially, I meet up with my friend - call him Jake - who convinced me to come, and hang out with his group for a little while, which is alright. Eventually we somehow drift apart, though, and I wind up doing my silent-observer thing.
The electronic music is starting to get on my nerves a little bit, so I make my way outside, onto the back patio. It's a balmy summer evening, and a handful of people are enjoying the fresh air. One girl, however, immediately catches my attention.
I pick an unassuming spot to stand and eavesdrop a little bit. Unsurprisingly, she was couched in a flock of other men. But she was cool about it. I felt like her relaxed demeanor and piercing gaze was a little more sober than the rest of the drunken crowd. She was toying with them, playing their game; they were laughing and blushing with simple grins, while she watched the whole thing play out with a foxy satisfaction. I noticed that she was one of the only guests smoking a cigarette, too. Maybe it was childish, but there was something irresistibly attractive in that, to me. I don't even smoke myself, but just the fact that she was willing to inhale this toxin, to defy society's notion of "good", just to get a momentary kick, told me everything I needed to know about her philosophy of life. Whimsical, daring; perfect. There was also something about the masculinity of fire and smoke, a symbol of destruction, that perfectly contrasted and highlighted her immaculate, feminine body.
Of course, I'm completely smitten. She's the one - she must be - she's already wormed her way into my imagination of a distant future, a long-term relationship, maybe even a family... I have to talk to her, I'm thinking. I have to introduce myself. Fuck. It's impossible. I'll never break through the impenetrable fortress of men that surround her, and even if I do, what the fuck am I supposed to say? How am I supposed to look different from every other mindless hungry wolf that she's become calloused to? Even if I manage to introduce myself, how do I look her in those beautiful, deadly eyes, and keep my composure? She's already driving me nuts, and we haven't even met!
No. If there's one thing I've learned about love, you don't find true love. True love finds you. Forget about it, I tell myself. If it's really meant to be, it'll be. We'll cross paths again someday.
So, I walk back inside, and try to put this girl out of my mind. I meet up with Jake and his gang, and we talk and play some board games, and drink a little bit, and I loosen up. However, it's not too long before our social circle intersects with the girl's - around this point, I learn her name, so I'll call her Eve. At first, I'm pretty disappointed. Maybe it's just my nervous imagination, but I can almost sense her casting a negative judgment on me, even deliberately ignoring me. I realize that I'm probably getting unconsciously caught up in the pursuit of romance again, and giving off a predatory vibe, and remind myself to relax, and trust fate. As soon as I let loose, conversation starts to flow, and Eve starts warming up to me, little by little. We start finding a lot of common ground, and pretty quickly, I start getting the strange sense that I'm talking to somebody I've known for years.
I'm in complete disbelief, overjoyed when she pulls me aside and asks me if I'd like to wind down from the party and spend some alone-time with her. She hops into the passenger seat of my car, and we start the long drive back to my place. At this hour, the highway is almost totally empty. It's been a long day, and the mood is softened. There's no energy left for inhibitions and anxieties - only openness and love. She unbuckles her seat belt and slides across the bench seat, until I can feel the warmth of her leg, pressed up against mine, and her long hair draped over my torso as she lay her head on my shoulder.
Unfortunately I'm a bit distracted by the brakes of the car, which are a little disconcertingly unresponsive.
"Heh... funniest thing," I say, "whenever I'm driving a car in my dreams, I almost always get this peculiar brake problem, the same thing I'm getting right now. You know... I have no way of really knowing for sure whether or not I'm dreaming. I mean, I know this is real, but I don't know-know."
"Yeah," says Eve, "but I know you're not dreaming. Because if you were dreaming, then I wouldn't be real. But I know I'm real."
"Says you, dream girl," I jest.
Later, at my place, we're sitting side by side, and she's telling me how much she appreciated our time together, quelling any remaining paranoid fears of mine that she was politely hiding some kind of disappointment. I feel an overwhelming desire flood through me, and we start leaning together, and...
FLASH.
I'm lying in bed, alone. I'm half crushed that Eve disappeared before the climax of our romantic relation, but even more overpowering is the sense of mystery and wonder that arises from considering the philosophical message of the experience: that dream was so intricate, logical, visceral. So utterly real. And I couldn't conceive that any greater reality existed. Now, I have awakened to that greater reality. But, yet again, I am convinced that nothing greater still exists. Will I be proven wrong, yet again?
...
I wind up at this party, at a friend of a friend's place. I'm pretty much positive that I'm not going to enjoy it; in fact I'm sure that I'll come home feeling dejected and worthless, like I usually do after doing stuff like this. I'll stand around, the silent observer, watching everyone else talk and laugh and enjoy each other's company, wondering why I'm the only one that has to feel awkward and out-of-place. But, in a way, that's why I accepted the invitation. I decided I needed to step outside my comfort zone. Have an adventure. Fuck it, I said; I get in the car.
As soon as I pull up, I'm already intimidated. This guy is clearly a few rungs above me, financially at least. Beautiful home he owns, with a sleek sports car in the driveway. The place is packed, too; it's a pretty chaotic event, and the electronic music pumping through his stereo system picks up where the chatter leaves off. Initially, I meet up with my friend - call him Jake - who convinced me to come, and hang out with his group for a little while, which is alright. Eventually we somehow drift apart, though, and I wind up doing my silent-observer thing.
The electronic music is starting to get on my nerves a little bit, so I make my way outside, onto the back patio. It's a balmy summer evening, and a handful of people are enjoying the fresh air. One girl, however, immediately catches my attention.
I pick an unassuming spot to stand and eavesdrop a little bit. Unsurprisingly, she was couched in a flock of other men. But she was cool about it. I felt like her relaxed demeanor and piercing gaze was a little more sober than the rest of the drunken crowd. She was toying with them, playing their game; they were laughing and blushing with simple grins, while she watched the whole thing play out with a foxy satisfaction. I noticed that she was one of the only guests smoking a cigarette, too. Maybe it was childish, but there was something irresistibly attractive in that, to me. I don't even smoke myself, but just the fact that she was willing to inhale this toxin, to defy society's notion of "good", just to get a momentary kick, told me everything I needed to know about her philosophy of life. Whimsical, daring; perfect. There was also something about the masculinity of fire and smoke, a symbol of destruction, that perfectly contrasted and highlighted her immaculate, feminine body.
Of course, I'm completely smitten. She's the one - she must be - she's already wormed her way into my imagination of a distant future, a long-term relationship, maybe even a family... I have to talk to her, I'm thinking. I have to introduce myself. Fuck. It's impossible. I'll never break through the impenetrable fortress of men that surround her, and even if I do, what the fuck am I supposed to say? How am I supposed to look different from every other mindless hungry wolf that she's become calloused to? Even if I manage to introduce myself, how do I look her in those beautiful, deadly eyes, and keep my composure? She's already driving me nuts, and we haven't even met!
No. If there's one thing I've learned about love, you don't find true love. True love finds you. Forget about it, I tell myself. If it's really meant to be, it'll be. We'll cross paths again someday.
So, I walk back inside, and try to put this girl out of my mind. I meet up with Jake and his gang, and we talk and play some board games, and drink a little bit, and I loosen up. However, it's not too long before our social circle intersects with the girl's - around this point, I learn her name, so I'll call her Eve. At first, I'm pretty disappointed. Maybe it's just my nervous imagination, but I can almost sense her casting a negative judgment on me, even deliberately ignoring me. I realize that I'm probably getting unconsciously caught up in the pursuit of romance again, and giving off a predatory vibe, and remind myself to relax, and trust fate. As soon as I let loose, conversation starts to flow, and Eve starts warming up to me, little by little. We start finding a lot of common ground, and pretty quickly, I start getting the strange sense that I'm talking to somebody I've known for years.
I'm in complete disbelief, overjoyed when she pulls me aside and asks me if I'd like to wind down from the party and spend some alone-time with her. She hops into the passenger seat of my car, and we start the long drive back to my place. At this hour, the highway is almost totally empty. It's been a long day, and the mood is softened. There's no energy left for inhibitions and anxieties - only openness and love. She unbuckles her seat belt and slides across the bench seat, until I can feel the warmth of her leg, pressed up against mine, and her long hair draped over my torso as she lay her head on my shoulder.
Unfortunately I'm a bit distracted by the brakes of the car, which are a little disconcertingly unresponsive.
"Heh... funniest thing," I say, "whenever I'm driving a car in my dreams, I almost always get this peculiar brake problem, the same thing I'm getting right now. You know... I have no way of really knowing for sure whether or not I'm dreaming. I mean, I know this is real, but I don't know-know."
"Yeah," says Eve, "but I know you're not dreaming. Because if you were dreaming, then I wouldn't be real. But I know I'm real."
"Says you, dream girl," I jest.
Later, at my place, we're sitting side by side, and she's telling me how much she appreciated our time together, quelling any remaining paranoid fears of mine that she was politely hiding some kind of disappointment. I feel an overwhelming desire flood through me, and we start leaning together, and...
FLASH.
I'm lying in bed, alone. I'm half crushed that Eve disappeared before the climax of our romantic relation, but even more overpowering is the sense of mystery and wonder that arises from considering the philosophical message of the experience: that dream was so intricate, logical, visceral. So utterly real. And I couldn't conceive that any greater reality existed. Now, I have awakened to that greater reality. But, yet again, I am convinced that nothing greater still exists. Will I be proven wrong, yet again?
Last edited:
