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Emotional abuse in a relationship

lostinspringtime

lostinspringtime

Greenlighter
Joined
Jun 10, 2012
Messages
29
This is depressing, but I don't know I need advice, solidarity, something. I am struggling with this.

I dated my now ex-boyfriend for nearly two years. I was completely in love with him, which blinded me to all of his flaws. He was extremely emotionally abusive. Would yell at me, call me a slut, tell me everything I did wrong, etc. I don't know, maybe it affected me more because I was already struggling with issues of my own. But dealing with some drug issues plus anorexia and having your boyfriend talk about other chicks is just....fucking hard.

In the beginning of our relationship he was totally different, completely sweet kid. He started doing massive amounts of ecstasy (about a gram every couple weeks), and changed. He hit me once. Not in a totally aggressive way, but in the face still.

I was still in love with him after we broke up a couple months ago. And I hate myself for it. I think I'm just expecting him to change back to how he used to be and be nice to me again. I sound pathetic. I just can't bear how much he changed. And I can't help thinking it's my fault.

Anyone who's been through emotional abuse. Any advice would be much appreciated. Because I get full-blown panic when i run into him to the point of doing stupid shit.
 
lostinspringtime said:
He hit me once. Not in a totally aggressive way, but in the face still.
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Should say enough right there... I think the best thing you can do is cut off all communication with him. It sounds like you still love him so I'm guessing that if you try to do the whole still friends bit it is just going to torture you. Either you'll end up getting back together and the abuse will continue. Or you'll see him with other girls which will probably be super hard for you, or he's just going to use you while he fucks other girls too. I would use your friends for support and cut off 100% communication wth him. Will be hard at first but will get easier and will ultimately end up with you being happy not dealing with the abuse.
my 2 cents anyway.
 
Google the cycle of abuse. Things WILL get worse if you stay. This is not a maybe, its a deifnite gaurentee that if you stay, he will continue to beat you down. Ppl do not change, and in the rare instances that they do, they have to do it on their own accord. In the case of an abuser though, that person will never ever change. Any man who can put his hands on a woman is not a man but a coward. Run far and fast away from this guy until its too late. dont say no one ever warned you. Also, love youself! love urself and dont let anyone treat u like dirt
 
it can get way worse just be happy you got out of it as soon as you did try to keep yourself busy with friends and family and stuff itll keep ur mind off of him and the more time that goes by the more likely you will be able to move on
 
I agree with whoever said cut off all contact with him.
 
Please kick him out your heart and your life, no one should have to put up with that kind of abuse. I can accept just about anything from someone apart from deliberate cruelty, especially when it's unprovoked, it makes me feel about ready to kill them in their sleep. I realise you are scared of feeling lonely and without love in your life but you can do fucking better. Time to get angry and learn some things about self defence.
 
Tude said:
I agree with whoever said cut off all contact with him.
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Thirded.

I suffered through 2 emotionally abusive relationships. Both times this was the only thing that worked; it gave ME a sense of control. The 2nd relationship was such a strong connection that I had to/chose to skip town.

Do you think you can cut him off completely? Do you want to?
 
I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship before. It's so difficult.

I think it sounds like you are in love with the idea of him; you talk about wishing he'd go back to who he was before, but the truth is, that nice, sweet person doesn't exist. That may be an aspect of his personality, but just as real and as much a part of him is the arsehole who has treated you like crap.

You are making excuses for him, saying that he changed and attributing it to the ecstasy. I don't think he's changed, I think it's more likely he got comfortable with you, hooked you in enough to know he had you, before letting his guard down.

Regardless, in situations like this I think logic only goes so far. I think you know you deserve better than this guy, and that the way he's treating you is wrong. What can be so hard is actually making the change. I know for me, with my abusive ex, he was the person I was closest to in the world. I was in a situation where the only person who could comfort me when I was feeling so hurt, was him! Even though he was the one who'd caused it. I was so desperate for that comfort, to feel better, that I felt I just couldn't go without him. I felt like what he was doing, how terrible he'd made me feel, was just so bad that I needed so make him understand how much he'd hurt me, it just felt absolutely essential that I conveyed it and got an apology or whatever from him. Just cutting him off without doing this felt impossible.

The truth is though, I don't think you can ever make someone else understand exactly how your feeling. And with guys like this, I think it's even harder, because if they had that empathy they wouldn't be acting that way to begin with. It's hard to cut your losses, but at some point it has to be done if you don't want to continue to live like this. The other posters are correct, it is extremely unlikely that he will change. And if he is one of the infinitesimally small prioportion who does change, he wont do it if you're around. If you're there, what reason does he have to change? Changing is hard, it requires effort, it's uncomfortable. He's not going to put himself through that if he's got what he wants, you, in front of him anyway.

I used to think to myself, if I don't make a change, this will be the best my life will be, ever. I don't think you want that. Getting back with this guy will make sure that your life right now is the best it's ever going to get. And it doesn't sound like it was that great with him. You can open up so many possibilities by just cutting him off completely and not looking back. I likened it to jumping off the high diving board. You can't think about it or rationalise it. You just have to say, fuck it, close your eyes and jump. If you cut him off and move forward, I believe you will look back on this as one of the best and most important decisions of your life.
 
So sorry to hear you went through that. Although I've been in a moderately emotionally abusive relationship myself, it wasn't nearly as much as you so I won't take myself as an example...however my parents' relationship works so I'll try to do my best to grasp your situation.
First of all I think you should DEFINITELY cut all ties that are linking you back to him, though it may be hard, it will help improve your self-esteem in the long run. Have you told good friends of yours/people you're close to about this? They could help you rebuild this self-confidence. Going out more and seeing people more might also help you realize you deserved more than being brought down by such a man. I think the most important is always to remember that whatever he said to you or thought about you came from his problems, NOT yours, which is why you deserve to be with someone who sees you as you really are.

I understand you probably feel a lot of regret about your break-up because you keep hoping he will turn back to the man he was at the start of your relationship. That's perfectly normal of course, but there's simply nothing to do here other than keep yourself busy and perhaps remind yourself that he really did do you more harm than good.

I also think therapists are often encouraged in cases of emotional abuse.

Good luck <3
 
What the others have said ... make sure you don't see this guy EVER!
Surround yourself with friends, family, etc. Keep yourself busy. Find a new hobby?
Seeing a therapist is a very good idea as well!

<3
 
Thanks everyone. Haven't seen him in a few weeks. Haven't talked to him for a while. Just struggling with the fact that I let him treat me like that. I'm currently in treatment for an eating disorder, so I see a therapist multiple times per week and have talked through it and will continue to do so. It's just so fucking hard to look back on how he treated me.
 
lostinspringtime said:
Thanks everyone. Haven't seen him in a few weeks. Haven't talked to him for a while. Just struggling with the fact that I let him treat me like that. I'm currently in treatment for an eating disorder, so I see a therapist multiple times per week and have talked through it and will continue to do so. It's just so fucking hard to look back on how he treated me.
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That's a great start! I'm so glad you haven't been in contact with him for a while and that you're seeing a therapist.
Try not to look back. It's done and over with. You're done with him - completely! You have learned from it. You know what to look for in a guy now (or at least what NOT to look for).
Best of luck :)
 
lostinspringtime said:
Thanks everyone. Haven't seen him in a few weeks. Haven't talked to him for a while. Just struggling with the fact that I let him treat me like that. I'm currently in treatment for an eating disorder, so I see a therapist multiple times per week and have talked through it and will continue to do so. It's just so fucking hard to look back on how he treated me.
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Hi lostinspringtime, i hope you're doing ok, keep talking to your therapist about him it'll help and try not to look back only forward, take care and stay safe.
 
I can tell from what you posted you have more issues then what needs to be discovered in a BL thread. I recommend Welbutrin or Paxil. I also recommend therapy.
 
Edvard Munch said:
I can tell from what you posted you have more issues then what needs to be discovered in a BL thread. I recommend Welbutrin or Paxil. I also recommend therapy.
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...Really? For emotional abuse, just throw her on anti-depressants, because a pill will change her reality? Pills may change your perspective not the underlying conditions, like what's really going on in your life to cause these feelings to begin with.
 
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