Also, idk anything about propopanol. i usually research the fuck outta drugs befire i take them however right now i just eel that owuld lead to possible freak outs i am glad i am calmer bt the freakouts are ekinda unpredicable. Basically, would 20mg be a dangerous dose> I dtill feel bad.
zThid wwas my theory when i first freaked out to help calm down but ut didnt work much/ some reallu bad shit is happanening and im on th borde. I probabyly will be ok however a littlw bit of atress caused such alarming increases in blood pressure, oor probably just a small one but it sent me over the limit. THis means im reight near the limit ans im etting sick of this shit I actually had thougths of real ability seeing getting off this shit atleast letting my shit heal and it was the first time my thughts werent accompanied by but what about all those extra pills will they expire how much will u have to take not to waste em and also no idealizign thought of tolerance decrease. no i kissed my fingers and apolozid and feel awful. I think I was born witha better body than most peopels, more resiliant, like you can do shit to it and i have. I started crying and apaoliIng to all the thigns who came into this world really excited because we were so strong and cuious and unkillable and id always heal and be ok and ive had incidents when i was very little that might have caused death or brain damage i had none also many things as growing older and its always beein ok for years until a few months ago. My bodies so jice to me an s im so mean to it. I've been mean!im actually hopeful i can stop bing rogue as empanthy about hurting ohers is one thing †hat makes me think and feel a wish to quit with no motives. i view my physical body functions as anothre person who is like a guardian parent. a ffew months ago i had asked him just to take away all this shit and also show me soemthign else which i wanted very bady. No, im not talking about god. Anyways, later that night I was feeling so horrible down. It wasnt related to the stuff that had happened earlier i dont even remember what that was. There was no triger, or perhaps my mind has blocked it out. It blocks out painful memories and sometimes gives them back a few years later but theyre deporsonalized. Its like finding a videao yourself being filmed and u didnt even know uwere and u can see the situation but cannot feel it at all. tis strange. anyways that night I just felt the overwhelming feeling of wishing to disappear. To have never existed and never caused any pain, as well as selfish reasons as wanting to escape. It was that kind of mental feeling that hits with an intense physical one,, its so empy and hopreless u dont really process thoughts. my mouth makes this strange shape when it happens like it is open but i feel like the corner or my lips go far back and its not so wide. ou cant rally breath as yyuoure mouth is open and its like sobbing but with no noise. However , it has nothing to do with trying not to make a peep. I was crying and shaking and my mouth was in that jerky postition that goes with it when i sunk to the floor, back sliding against the wall. I hadn't felt that awful in such a long time. I clasped my hand together, and, shaking, asked for help. I dont know if i said help specifiacally, but something along of the ligns of peace, or whats best, or the strength too do what i need to do, anyways whatever it was it was much more intricate than help, but basically asling for it. Acutally it might of been a one word thing like im sorrry, or please, or show me, or such. Anyways i clasped real real hard and sent all the vibes I had. I don't pray too often but when I do it is hardly ever for myself. I only started praying when my love was in a situation where there were about 6 very real possiblbilies of different ways for him to go and 3 of them especially were a daily battle. I'd pray allt he time. He got through it there have actually been moments where I've felt something. I'll never forget one night when I gave a warneing which is osmething i never did. Anyways I prayed for him all. the. fucking. time. It was more like send ing really good vibes. I started doing it for other people whenever they were in toruble or i hard about them or soemthing bad or someone looked sad. When i hear of very sad situations, ones that can never really be "Ok," i Just ask that they can find soem semblence of peace. Anyways I feel as it is so rude to pray for myself. I remember when I tried AA and they would talk about praying. I tried it a few times and enjoyed it in a way, especially after i discovered i like to clasp my hands real tight and kiss them at the end, but never asked for shit like to stay sober as I felt like it would make all my other wishes for others become ungranted and it as fucking rude. Im not saying it is rude I mean I prolly have an issue that its hard for me to do it not people who do pray for themselvses all the time. Although I doubt it is as good feeling. My point is I felt real bad to ask fr help, and straight up too. On blu e moons somethings I'll say a bunch of stuff and say, if its not too much, could u help me find the motviation or the willpower tomorrow to __. thank you. kiss. So there i am. grasping my hans so fucking goddamn tightly. and i give them their sealing kiss with all the good vibes i could muster. That's when I looked up and opened my eyes, you know, like people on the floor do when theyre looking for something out there, and I saw it. I saw the answer. Instantly all my pain went away and I felt a sick and powerfully beautiful feeling engulf me. Why had I been crying a minute before? Why had I thought there was nothing beyoond this world? So I wasn't crazy in thinking I felt it would happen when I asked earlier? I saw the answer to the question I had asked earlier that day when I had called on the devil. I can't really describe the feelings I experienvesd as I sat on the ground. It was surreal in the sense that I had had some experiences in the past that have made me believe in good and bad vibes, and felt like there were things out there greater. Keep in mind I used to be a huuge fucking atheist. I still am a bit I like scienve idk what I am. But the sense that there was soemthing and i felt it was mind blowing,i was so happy to have the answer that i idnt even need it right then an dfelt happy and proceeded to go and eat some yummy flavor ed penautes. However, the whole time there was an underlying sense of "silly girl, you asked ME for help and now you go and turn your back on me for a guy who wont even give you what you want?! Just some you need this but don't want it shit?! Hahahahaha. Oh boy. None of that here. Here's your silly present and no don't worry I listened to all your conditions involving no one o r thing thing else in anything to come of it.. Have fun now. Let me know if you wanthing else. We're going to be together a long time, so no need to catch up now as I know you prolly got other things on your mind."
Literally ever since then I feel shit has been happeneing even in situations that I had considered mild! it's not only drug related either. But seriusly ever since that night I gained physical effects whcih i never really had before . My mind could be slightly innaccurate. It's possible this shit happened some point after this and not like the next fucking day, but it definately wasnt before. Sometimes I even feel like if I do something bad other people get my symptoms and dont deserve it so i can be ok. Kinda delusional probably.Acids the only drug I can have without any negative affects. I mean even weed can be unpleasant if im at the end of being eal stemmy in terms of heart rate. I don't know why but acid is the only thing that clears my mind I feel when it gets irrational. Just in case his is not clear i would hate taking 25i or another psychedlic to clear my head. It just gets rid of all my irrational thoughts and has this honest somber truth. For instance, once I had been doing a few other things and while tipping I tried to do that but tomorrow thing yady yada and my mind asked yea you could, but there's a good chance you won't. they weren't that bad but they weren't ideal. (as i either think tings are way worse or way less bad then they are) No need to feel awful if you do though. Seems kind of silly to go through this every day. Why stress about this now? If you really are as "committed" to this as you say, then you'll have had it happen fairly soon. Remember, even if a habit is unhealthy that doesn't mean constantly planning on changing it isn't. It wasn't like my mind told me this but I just saw it and everything is clear and reasonable. I can also see myself from a third person perspective. I love observing how ridiculous humanity is, I saw something one night as I could see all the ulterior motives and it got me thnking, but I can also see how I fit into it all. I feel like I can see as god. I also feel like if I truly were god and humans were my greatest invention I'd most likely off myself. I ate 6 tabs one time while feeling suicidal and was alone it was fucking dumb yea but I'm impulsive. I called a friend once I realized prolly ripping a chunch off and eating it wasnt so bright and they came but they were kinda passed out before the peak. It was a great trip! I remember it all started to hit when I was getting cigaretes. I onyl had a dollar 50 so I went to the conor store while my friend was in riteaid. I was laughing and giggling and so into life. I thought about how I've heard people say oh I would never go there while I was tripping, it make me bhave an awful trip! I thought this was funny. See, there's this area around my house that really isnt all that bad. Sure, someone might try and sell you some grass or percs. I dont have people say girl boy or ready to me really cuz hopefully i dont look like im about all that. Just once in a blue moon they will. And you gotta be cool with declining anyone hitting on you but in a playful way or else its just bad vibes all around. Anyways I felt about how flimsy my cigarettes suddently felt. I spent an hour putting one in and out of my mouth without lighting or, amazingly, getting it wet. Anyways I thought about how so many people who lived in a mile radiuos of me would mention how this area was very bad and you should never go there alone as there are black people! I mean come on guys!! There are black people!! All girls will get raped and boys robbed. RUN FFOR THE FUCKING HILLSSS. Of course, they don't say this explicitly. No. That would be rude. But man oh man, the look on some peoples face cracks me up when i tell them how they can take the bus and even though late at night its not very often. But itll get them home (to people who live near by, theres a college there so they dont have cars, or just people asking if i have car yet since a few people my age have gotten them but most not yet) anyways the looks on their faces when they hear I walk home, boy! I wish everyone could laugh like that. The fact is the only time I get sketched coming home is in this little stratch where it's right before the hospital. Not because it is sketchy at all but because it is kind of dark and the houses have stairs leading up and seem far back and shadows live there. Anyways it might have been the fact that although I had been tripping before, it started in the car in a small seat with my brothers old nanyny and family friend who I hadn't seen in a long time and I feel might have been expected to produce bad beginning vibes. But when it really started to all hit I was just so entertained by that thought, maybe it played a part in the good take off. But it just feels like its impossible to have a bad time on LSD because there's nothing to fear. Normally when I am stressed or anxious it's because of fear let enter me yet avoid being totally honest or finding out answers in case they comfirm my fear. Acid also is nice in the since that with this ability to be honest with mysel I'm also honest about the consequences of a bad outcome and how while they are bad they would be managable. As normally I feel anything in the body is the end of the world or nothing at all and i have to chose with. My mind on acid is just so muc more fucking beautiful than on anything else. Ok long rants really got rid of the fear and stress I've had and I feel much better. I guess I'll see if people said anything asn my body still feels fucked, and some new things have started happeneing. On the other hand I no longer feel that I am going to "die" tonight. I might check to sese if my veins look any bigger they were cfucking scary before. I think I have cumpulsions its so hard to ever sstop doing smething. MUUSUT. STOp. pressing. my awsum fta keys. NO. BAD. GO.