Scared Ecstasy abuse and anxiety/depression

[Hospitality]

Hey everyone,

This seems like an excellent place for advice for those of us who have overdone the drugs in the past and I’ve been really impressed with the support and guidance offered here. I wondered I someone would be so kind as to help me with a couple of questions please?

I have a history of pretty heavy ecstasy abuse. Between about 2000 and 2010 I took probably around 1,000 pills in various sized sessions. Sometimes just 1, sometimes... well, I’d probably rather not say but it was stupid and I knew that at the time but looking back I just craved escape.

In 2003 a switch flipped in me and since then I have lived with an anxiety disorder that has ebbed and flowed but never gone away. It hasn’t ruined my life altogether but it has taken a lot away and at times I’ve been very low indeed. I think about it pretty much non stop and it effects all areas of my life, particularly work where I really struggle to concentrate and get little done if I’m honest.

I’m certainly not looking for any sympathy, especially since I have continued to take drugs after. However I have come to a point in my life where I really would like to finally move on from this now. I think it’s worse at the moment, as I feel quite depressed too.

I worry terribly that I have damaged my brain irreparably and this is the best I can ever feel now. However another voice tells me this isn’t true and it is more psychological.

If anyone has any advice for me I would be very grateful to receive it.

Thanks,

Hospitality.

 

[GENGAR]

Things will get better man just got to keep your head up through the rough times

 

[Hospitality]

Things will get better man just got to keep your head up through the rough times

Thanks GENGAR

 

[Mafioso]

I have heard quite a few people report something similar, often times after one trip, despite having used mild to heavy despending on the person.

I'm not sure there is a physiological mechanism behind this, as in, the drug being neurotoxic and causing the sudden change. I do believe MDMA is neurotoxic at higher doses and possibly even at mild to low recrecational doses- not sure on that one, but I do know that constant use will deplete your serotonin as well as other things like serotonin receptors becoming less sensitive to it. I can't say for certain, there are a lot of possibilities like it could have been a deeper realization of the reckless lifestyle tied to the drug that suddenly became undeniable- the mind tries to root out cognitive dissonances. It could have been a physiological reaction to the drugs... likely, it was a bit of both, and your mind struggling to cope with these difficult dilemmas while in a lowered state.

I'm guessing a lot of things have changed, beside drug use, since 2003. Like as in your lifestyle and daily habits. What is your current living situation like?

 

[w01fg4ng]

So you have been clean from the pills over 9 years now?

What exactly are you trying to move on from?

 

[Hospitality]

So you have been clean from the pills over 9 years now?

What exactly are you trying to move on from?

I want to get over my anxiety. I feel if I believed this isn’t permanent due to brain damage I could make positive steps to get better.

 

[w01fg4ng]

What coping mechanisms have you developed during your sobriety?

 

[Lucy20]

I used MDMA for the first time 6 days in a row, i felt blah for a few months but not 9 years. It messes with your dopamine and i wouldn't know if it does damage permanently.
Go to a doctor and be honest about your use

 

[Hospitality]

What coping mechanisms have you developed during your sobriety?

Sobriety wouldn’t be the best way of putting it since one of my coping mechanisms is alcohol at the moment. I used to meditate a lot. I’ve seen countless therapists and I feel like I’ve tried most things recommended to me or researched. Nothing has ever really helped though to be honest. My mind is just so busy I can’t concentrate on anything. I just live in a state of fight or flight and have this feeling like I’m cut off from the moment and happiness.

 

[Hospitality]

I used MDMA for the first time 6 days in a row, i felt blah for a few months but not 9 years. It messes with your dopamine and i wouldn't know if it does damage permanently.
Go to a doctor and be honest about your use

The thing is I have done a shit load, I’m definitely an example of a heavy user.

 

[w01fg4ng]

Nothing has ever really helped though to be honest.

Have you tried sobriety?

 

[Mafioso]

one of my coping mechanisms is alcohol at the moment.

Understandable, but depending on the amount you are drinking, it is likely at best keeping you from healing and realistically, progressing your illness.

I just live in a state of fight or flight and have this feeling like I’m cut off from the moment and happiness

The alcohol will definitely worsen this, especially the day after with the fight/flight, and the numbness it brings will def make you feel cut off from the world will definitely add to this. Do you spend a lot of time alone, as well?

I remember I was chain smoking joints after work, like I usually did after work when working out of town. This pretty rough guy who had been through a lot sees me walking in the hallway and says "damn dude, you look dead to the world". I didn't get it at first, probably because I was so numb, but because it seemed like an odd way to say I look high, I thought a lot about it. In many ways, I was dead to the world, unable to participate in good or bad, or be truly happy or sad because I had checked out.

Gabor Mate says to "be with your pain". It's a concept I still struggle to live by because it seems to counterintuitive. The immediate logical thing for something in pain to do is to remove oneself from pain as quickly as possible. However, in this case, removing ourselves from the pain also removes us from the lasting pleasures of life, like joy and happiness.

 

[Hospitality]

Have you tried sobriety?

I have in the past, for quite a few months. I had a good weekend just now in that I managed to drink much less than I usually would and I intend to keep it this way for a while as I know alcohol isn’t helping. My main concern tho is whether I’ve done something I can’t reverse.