Eating disorders thread: Overeaters, under eaters and purgers; come one, come all!

[deltakappamu]

Hi. I shared recently in a response to a thread that was made in SLR, regarding eating issues. I had often wondered if anyone else on BL had any sort of eating issues or eating disorder tendencies. I know for myself, it is a constant in my life. When I am using drugs, I focus less on my eating disorder though.. but each time I get clean, or go to treatment, then I get heavy back into my eating disorder. I shared a little of this story in another thread, so bare with me, or just skip over it. As a young girl I was on a very competitive figure skating team, and I have very lean but very muscular legs, and was quite a bit stronger than the other skaters on my team. They were all so waif-like, and I was like a muscled machine. I was also about 5'6 (which I still am,) but I always felt a lot bigger than my team mates. None of this caused any difficulty in my performance as a skater, in fact, it was an advantage in jumps and spins. I had the strength and muscle tone to attempt and land jumps that many of them could not, despite being lighter. I was able to get lower to the ground for certain moves and my spins were much more powerful and well controlled. However, with that being said, I was an adolescent, and I FELT different. It didn't matter that I was #1 on the team and that when I competed solo that I always placed favorably, it mattered to me that I was DIFFERENT LOOKING than the other girls. I felt SO hideous. SO HUGE. Like a big fat cow. Looking back on my pictures now, I realize I was crazy. I looked great and did a great job. I was extremely talented and ended up getting into drugs and throwing it all away. I began to slip into the secret world of eating disorders. I was anorexic at first.. making myself go on these crazy fasts and even got so dehydrated and malnourished I would faint at random times. I got pretty skinny and a lot of my muscle mass faded away. With me being a little taller than the rest of the girls, it was very noticeable that I was having issues. I dropped a lot of weight and muscle in a short amount of time and I began to be obsessed with it. My performance began to suffer as a result of these choices, but I did not care, I just wanted to be thin. I wanted to look like the rest of them. Over time people started to notice. So I ended up getting treatment. I hated it. I began to gain weight. I was able to maintain a a much healthier weight than in the past, up thru college, despite using lots of drugs. In college I gained HELLA weight. I went from 5'6 at 100 lbs and it escalated up to 5'6 at 265 lbs. Once I got so big, I started purging my food to lose weight. Then I was on the cycle again. Now instead of anorexic tendencies I was full blown Bulimic. However I was atypical, as I did not binge on a ton of food then throw up, I would just purge my regular meals, and then exercise until I was nearly ready to faint. I lost 100 lbs rather rapidly. I am surprised I don't have loose skin. Maybe it was my age, or maybe it was all the time Ive spent in the gym.. IDK. Anway, fast forward to today.. I am of normal weight and in surprisingly good health. My bad habits (eating disorders and drug abuse) seemed to have no negative impact on my health other than venous damage from IV use. My teeth are not in anyway jacked up from all the purging and I don't have fucked up skin. I honestly look like an average healthy young lady. Anyone that I ever get close to that finds out about my past with both my eating disorder and drug abuse has no idea and reacts in total shock.

My point is posting this is in hopes that if there are any of you BL'ers struggling with any sort of eating issues, that we can use this thread as a place to meet and encourage each other. It's nice to look good, but man, it's so much more important to be healthy. These days I just eat clean, drink a minimum 64oz water daily, and I am really conscious about what I put in my body food wise. I take vitamins daily and first thing in the morning when I wake up, before I put ANYTHING in my mouth, I get 8-oz water, microwave it until its warm, then cut up half a lemon and squeeze it in there. Then drink. It isn't the most fabulous tasting thing in the world, but I believe it has benefits for metabolism and digestion. It is important that this is done before ANYTHING else is put in the stomach though. I exercise when I can.. I have a great gym member ship. I don't use it as much as I should but I am working on it. I am just coming off another heroin detox, so give me a min on throwing me back into the gym for a bit lol. My friend who is getting his masters always says to me "you can't out-train a bad diet!" I used to just eat whatever I want then spend HOURS killing myself at the gym.. and it never worked. I guess that is why.. nutrition is where it's at.

If there are any other BL'ers that have eating issues, of any sort, please feel free to share your experience.. I would love to hear that I am not alone.

Thanks

 

[Maya]

I had a brief Bulemia disorder back in college where I would purge after eating. I got really sick (stomach issues) and it scared me so much that I managed to stop what I was doing. You are absolutely right about physical appearance/insecurities having an impact on eating disorder issues as this has been my problem as well. I would usually compare myself to other skinnier girls and always wanted a smaller/skinnier body. I then realized that I have a large body frame so being overly skinny is unhealthy and will not look good anyway. I went back to eating right and eating healthy. I think it is important to address these issues and if possible, go seek professional help about the certain disorder.

 

[Kota]

I am diagnosed with anorexia nervosa, but I don't much care for my physical appearance. I'd be a far better person if I did! It's more the case that I don't like, and have never liked, food or eating.

 

[purpleprincess]

You're definitely not alone. Formerly diagnosed with anorexia nervosa. Maybe I'll share more later.

 

[AcidRAEn]

I'm currently dealing with an eating disorder.
I've always been on the heavier side. Always. Even as a child. My father raised my two sisters and I by himself..keeping a roof over our head and clothes on our backs was his main priority..what we ate wasn't as important.and on a tight budget it ended up being not the healthiest of diets. My father and sisters all have extremely high metabolisms..what they ate didn't really matter. Genetically I drew the short straw..I take after my mother..who is a pretty sturdy woman. At school I w mercilessly made fun of and it left me seeing myself as much larger than I actually was. It eventually led to extreme self-loathing..but I never stopped eating. I grew out of the self hatred after I graduated highschool buy to this day I have intense self esteem issues and I still hate my body. Up until two years ago my body weight fluctuated depending on my drug use..but I was never "thin".
I met a guy who loved me despite my size..he loved the person inside.. and what I looked like on the outside and I drove him a little crazy belittling myself with terms like fat and ugly.
Anyway after we left rehab I got pregnant..and I gained a LOT of weight. At the height of my pregnancy I tipped the scales at 240 pounds..the biggest I had ever been. After I gave birth I started to lose weight.. I was back to pre-pregnancy weight. Then my boyfriend went to jail for armed robbery and my world was turned upside down. As a newly single mother with no idea of what I was doing I knew relapse to drug use wasn't am option. Instead I started to fill the gaping hole with food. With no one to help me with my 3 month old son I began eating a ton of microwaved bullshit..I just didn't have time to cook. I quickly gained my pregnancy weight back. Then I quit smoking cigarettes and gained 20 more pounds..tipping the scales at a weight I'm too disgusted to mention. Even as I type this I am disgusted with myself..that I've allowed it to get this far. Every ounce of self confidence I had left when he was locked up..as pathetic as that may sound. Its like I don't care about myself enough to take care of myself.
I'm trying to change it, if nothing else for my son's benefit. I just almost don't know where to start. I never learned to eat properly so I've been doing research to try and change my ways. I'm 25 years old and this is not how I should be living.

I've never discussed this with anyone. Its a topic of conversation that leaves me sobbing and unable to communicate why. Its nice to get of off my chest rather than letting it eat me alive.

 

[Maya]

Thank you for sharing that AcidRAEN, you are definitely in the right forum to get some information about healthy diet and exercise to gain your self confidence back and for good health as well. We also have our directory of topics of your choice as to where you can start reading to change your diet. Please let us know about your progress in the next coming months or so.

 

[AcidRAEn]

Thank you for sharing that AcidRAEN, you are definitely in the right forum to get some information about healthy diet and exercise to gain your self confidence back and for good health as well. We also have our directory of topics of your choice as to where you can start reading to change your diet. Please let us know about your progress in the next coming months or so.

Thank you. It's going to be hard..I have a lifetime of bad habits to remedy but if I can kick H cold turkey, I know I can do this. Quite a few things in my life are coming together and I'm confident this will help give me that kick in the ass I need. I appreciate the encouragement.. not many people are very understanding of my situation. I've never understood why people think criticism and cruel comments will help a person overcome any disorder or addiction.