This damn Mercury retrograde ALWAYS gets me in a fuckload of trouble, ESPECIALLY when Mercury happens to be retrograde in it's native sign Gemini, ruler of communication. I managed to piss off and scare off John Doe good and proper all right, but subconsciencely, I believe that I accidentally on purpose did sabbatoge any and all sex/romance/cyber with what would have been a very willing cyber mate, at least. Underlying, unresolved issues of anger, fear of vulerability, deep heartache, sorrow, and God knows what else prevented me from taking this ... ongoing relationship of frustration from going any further. I felt angry at him and made a couple comments that were completely unnecessary, Jesus, homegirl, why? That is out of character for me to behave that way and although I didn't INTEND to come across as scary and cruel, nevertheless, that is exactly how I came across. And for that, I am truly sorry.
Sometimes, I step back and look at my actions and words and yet, can hardly believe I would say or do something so mean. OMG, and worst of all, it breaks my own heart the most because they were my words or my actions. "Why the hell did you have to act like such a BITCH, girl?," I ask myself, yet somehow afterward I am just as bewildered, the part of me that voiced uncalled for vendictiveness, almost..perhaps against him, while trying to protect myself on some level. Sigh. I'm truly sorry though because I did NOT want it to end like that. Why do I hurt people unnecessarily like that? This makes me sad, as that was totally uncalled for.
Mom surely does not like John Doe, never did. She thinks he was and is an asshole, perhaps just like a part of me see's him how she does, but there have been a few slips back into old behavior from time to time, like verbally hurting a man that may or may not meant to hurt me. Used to be that my anger made me feel better when I lashed out at someone that hurt me, but for the last 3 or so years, revenge only makes me feel worse, no matter how petty. Therefore, lesson here is to remember this and NOT lash out at others even when they did me wrong in order to avoid seeing my part in acting like a jerk and how much that hurt me even more. I thought I had that one down. Don't let others walk all over me, but at the same time, don't go all Fatal Fucking Attraction mental on others either. Sigh.
Several weeks ago, when I was high with Linda and Aimee, I marveled at how connected to them I feel, and how much I loved sharing chemical love/bliss with both of them. Linda is my Mom's age and she had told me she'd been going through depression from lack of chems plus how life in general at times feels too painful, and how she sometimes thinks about ending it all. I don't feel she would ever do that, but still I understood the FEELING because that sounded exactly the same song and dance I've done my entire life. Later that night, Aimee told me the same thing, so I said, "Ah please don't, baby girl I'd fucking MISS you too much!," I said with the same sadness I said to Linda, yet understood 100% all the same. Sometimes I hurt so much and although both of them would probably be a bit upset wondering why I just offed myself without even telling them goodbye, ..... a part of them would understand because they've felt the same damn way, had the same fuckin feelings.
Today, I gave it a lot of thought as I walked to the place to drop off and pick up my car. I saw myself in an enclosed garage with the car on, windows down, waiting for death to take me, which I know would be soon, and an old death/suicide poem clutched into my hand for whoever found me. I'm not quite bold enough to actually die by the knife, leaving red liquid all over hell and gone, having to take in the smell of my own metallic life force leaving, overpowering and STRONG. I doubt I could ever do that, but suffocating and falling asleep from carbon monoxide poisoning.....it's morbid, but I'd be cherry red by the time death came, as if I'd put on bright red lipstick because that's what death by exhaust does....turns a person cherry red.
I'd be crying, the tears and sadness pouring down my cheeks until feeling the calm effects from the auto exhaust. "You tried, homegirl, although still you know murder by suicide is still wrong. It's murder, you'll have to take the consequences of Purgatory or hell, or some earthbound pain will keep you here, forcing you to see the pain you caused others.....how you might have made different choices for yourself, but now can no longer make. You didn't want to go on facing life as an active drug addict, perhpas do the REAL courageous thing and tell God and everyone, I need detox and rehab. That would have taken real courage, but instead you chose the passive-aggressive way out.
Life seemed impossible, sure, yet you clocked out because death is so much easier than life, what a cop out. I wanted permanent oblivion, the perfect promise of death, but how horrifying to discover there is no death...not really...my soul never feeling more anguish than upon this discovery.....NO! Seeing and looking down as whoever discovered my physical death and body, watching them read the morbid poem/suicide letter for whoever might find it:
Better Off Dead
7/02/03
In the pit of the valley once again
Funny how Mama wonders where I’ve been
Apparently so has one single friend as well
I lock myself away
Fuck this life
That’s all I’ve got to say
Frustration beats at me fast and furious
Fuck me til I cry
I’m not even curious
I don’t give a flying fuck no more
But then again
Why should a $2 whore?
I hate you life
Go find another wife
I’m going to slice open my artery and vein
I don’t give a rat’s ass
If I’m truly insane
Steel that shines
I take a sharp knife
Feeling the sting of his kiss
On my porcelain white thighs
Staring at the red glow
Soon I’ll surely go
To my reservation in hell
I watch in a cold, detached sort of way
As rivers of crimson paint my thighs
I can see the life force being sapped away
Hearing silent screams of spiritual beings
I hear them not, fuck them I am fleeing
Besides what’s the difference
How I choose my death?
The knife is quite practical
And quicker than meth
No more sunsets,
No more worries
No more happiness,
No more hurries
No more stupid dreams
Of comical self delusion
Need bother a $2 whore with confusion
No more starlight,
No more despair
Only darkness to claim a life
That will soon no longer be there
No more frolicking
With the razor sharp pick
I laugh out loud
Because I was HIS trick
It’s not that I blame my disgusting addiction
It’s not his fault I’m getting my eviction
I’m tired of moving, I’m tired of living
I’m tired of dying, of taking and giving
It’s life and everything I am taking leave
I want no pity, or no one to grieve
At least I’ve got that
In a matter so to speak
I’m now feeling cold
My body grows weak
An ocean of red saturates my sheets
The last thing I see
Is a loaded rig beside me
A detached amusement comes over me
Meeting my inanimate lover’s stare
Hearing him whisper,
“How do you dare?”
He can’t understand why it must be
That on a mere whim I decide I must flee
Leaving without so much as a single kiss?
All right very well one last high
This one will be our final goodbye
I’m wrapped in his bliss
I feel his hug
I am his princess
He is my drug
Slipping more and more into thick black mist
Unconscious before I become aware
Forever I’m in t reaper’s lair
So there it is, my final story, my final goodbye. My suicide letter/poem. Sadness and depression inflicted mostly on myself because I still haven't learned the lessons of the soul or people skills. That, I believe is my biggest problem. Still, I tend to be more the coward than the brave soul, and leaving has almost always come so much earier and more natural to me when life gets intensely difficult, or I perceive it as such. My first reaction is to leave instead of try and work shit out, because that's what I know how to do.
Sometimes, I step back and look at my actions and words and yet, can hardly believe I would say or do something so mean. OMG, and worst of all, it breaks my own heart the most because they were my words or my actions. "Why the hell did you have to act like such a BITCH, girl?," I ask myself, yet somehow afterward I am just as bewildered, the part of me that voiced uncalled for vendictiveness, almost..perhaps against him, while trying to protect myself on some level. Sigh. I'm truly sorry though because I did NOT want it to end like that. Why do I hurt people unnecessarily like that? This makes me sad, as that was totally uncalled for.
Mom surely does not like John Doe, never did. She thinks he was and is an asshole, perhaps just like a part of me see's him how she does, but there have been a few slips back into old behavior from time to time, like verbally hurting a man that may or may not meant to hurt me. Used to be that my anger made me feel better when I lashed out at someone that hurt me, but for the last 3 or so years, revenge only makes me feel worse, no matter how petty. Therefore, lesson here is to remember this and NOT lash out at others even when they did me wrong in order to avoid seeing my part in acting like a jerk and how much that hurt me even more. I thought I had that one down. Don't let others walk all over me, but at the same time, don't go all Fatal Fucking Attraction mental on others either. Sigh.
Several weeks ago, when I was high with Linda and Aimee, I marveled at how connected to them I feel, and how much I loved sharing chemical love/bliss with both of them. Linda is my Mom's age and she had told me she'd been going through depression from lack of chems plus how life in general at times feels too painful, and how she sometimes thinks about ending it all. I don't feel she would ever do that, but still I understood the FEELING because that sounded exactly the same song and dance I've done my entire life. Later that night, Aimee told me the same thing, so I said, "Ah please don't, baby girl I'd fucking MISS you too much!," I said with the same sadness I said to Linda, yet understood 100% all the same. Sometimes I hurt so much and although both of them would probably be a bit upset wondering why I just offed myself without even telling them goodbye, ..... a part of them would understand because they've felt the same damn way, had the same fuckin feelings.
Today, I gave it a lot of thought as I walked to the place to drop off and pick up my car. I saw myself in an enclosed garage with the car on, windows down, waiting for death to take me, which I know would be soon, and an old death/suicide poem clutched into my hand for whoever found me. I'm not quite bold enough to actually die by the knife, leaving red liquid all over hell and gone, having to take in the smell of my own metallic life force leaving, overpowering and STRONG. I doubt I could ever do that, but suffocating and falling asleep from carbon monoxide poisoning.....it's morbid, but I'd be cherry red by the time death came, as if I'd put on bright red lipstick because that's what death by exhaust does....turns a person cherry red.
I'd be crying, the tears and sadness pouring down my cheeks until feeling the calm effects from the auto exhaust. "You tried, homegirl, although still you know murder by suicide is still wrong. It's murder, you'll have to take the consequences of Purgatory or hell, or some earthbound pain will keep you here, forcing you to see the pain you caused others.....how you might have made different choices for yourself, but now can no longer make. You didn't want to go on facing life as an active drug addict, perhpas do the REAL courageous thing and tell God and everyone, I need detox and rehab. That would have taken real courage, but instead you chose the passive-aggressive way out.
Life seemed impossible, sure, yet you clocked out because death is so much easier than life, what a cop out. I wanted permanent oblivion, the perfect promise of death, but how horrifying to discover there is no death...not really...my soul never feeling more anguish than upon this discovery.....NO! Seeing and looking down as whoever discovered my physical death and body, watching them read the morbid poem/suicide letter for whoever might find it:
Better Off Dead
7/02/03
In the pit of the valley once again
Funny how Mama wonders where I’ve been
Apparently so has one single friend as well
I lock myself away
Fuck this life
That’s all I’ve got to say
Frustration beats at me fast and furious
Fuck me til I cry
I’m not even curious
I don’t give a flying fuck no more
But then again
Why should a $2 whore?
I hate you life
Go find another wife
I’m going to slice open my artery and vein
I don’t give a rat’s ass
If I’m truly insane
Steel that shines
I take a sharp knife
Feeling the sting of his kiss
On my porcelain white thighs
Staring at the red glow
Soon I’ll surely go
To my reservation in hell
I watch in a cold, detached sort of way
As rivers of crimson paint my thighs
I can see the life force being sapped away
Hearing silent screams of spiritual beings
I hear them not, fuck them I am fleeing
Besides what’s the difference
How I choose my death?
The knife is quite practical
And quicker than meth
No more sunsets,
No more worries
No more happiness,
No more hurries
No more stupid dreams
Of comical self delusion
Need bother a $2 whore with confusion
No more starlight,
No more despair
Only darkness to claim a life
That will soon no longer be there
No more frolicking
With the razor sharp pick
I laugh out loud
Because I was HIS trick
It’s not that I blame my disgusting addiction
It’s not his fault I’m getting my eviction
I’m tired of moving, I’m tired of living
I’m tired of dying, of taking and giving
It’s life and everything I am taking leave
I want no pity, or no one to grieve
At least I’ve got that
In a matter so to speak
I’m now feeling cold
My body grows weak
An ocean of red saturates my sheets
The last thing I see
Is a loaded rig beside me
A detached amusement comes over me
Meeting my inanimate lover’s stare
Hearing him whisper,
“How do you dare?”
He can’t understand why it must be
That on a mere whim I decide I must flee
Leaving without so much as a single kiss?
All right very well one last high
This one will be our final goodbye
I’m wrapped in his bliss
I feel his hug
I am his princess
He is my drug
Slipping more and more into thick black mist
Unconscious before I become aware
Forever I’m in t reaper’s lair
So there it is, my final story, my final goodbye. My suicide letter/poem. Sadness and depression inflicted mostly on myself because I still haven't learned the lessons of the soul or people skills. That, I believe is my biggest problem. Still, I tend to be more the coward than the brave soul, and leaving has almost always come so much earier and more natural to me when life gets intensely difficult, or I perceive it as such. My first reaction is to leave instead of try and work shit out, because that's what I know how to do.
