Mental Health Dysthymia and Suicide

[AnrBjotk]

I have dysthymia. I've had it since childhood, and I have it because of childhood. For those of you not aware of this "chronic depression" these symptoms sum me up:

"Dysthymia If left untreated it can often unfortunately last a lifetime. This can also lead to several undesirable consequences lack of productivity and lack of concentration at work and studies, and again often cause patients to perform worse than others, which means that they struggle to succeed in business or to find out a life partner."

"The condition is characterized by a life lived chronically unhappy most of the time. Though the patient can have happy days every now and again it never lasts more than a day or two, when the patient once again loses any enjoyment in life. The bad mood and unhappiness always come back again."

"Common symptoms of dysthymia are lack of working capacity for work and school, social withdrawal, shyness, irritability, conflicts with family and friends, somatic complaints, and parents who suffer from depression."

Basically, I lack the confidence to make social bonds, always knowing I am inferior to others. I lack the social support most people experience (i.e. Friends). I fail to make any use of my "talents" due to indecisiveness and lack of belief in myself. Though, I have achieved Some sucess in my field, writing, with minor publications I have never been able to actually create any text long or good enough for publication. Writing a novel, say, requires more confidence than I possess, i.e. being able to believe in my own decisions long enough to write 200 pages.

"Harvard Health Publications also says that "at least three-quarters of patients with dysthymia also have a chronic physical illness or another psychiatric disorder, anxiety disorder, drug addiction or alcoholism"

So, yes, I became addicted to heroin; Now on subutex. The drugs gave me Some peace of mind and some hours daily where I could feel normal and believe in myself. But, of course it never lasts.
Now the effects of the daily 2mg subutex are wearing off and I feel worse than ever.

I never could assert myself. My shyness is crippeling. I cannot look people in the eyes, let alone make conversations. I shun parties and social functions, though I yearn for companionship.

Worst of all: I had a girlfriend five years ago that truly loved me. She stayed with me for close to two years. Those two years where the only happy days of my life. I was creative, assertive and became top of my class. I worked hard and was productive. I believed in myself and even had the confidence to make a few friends.
When she left me, however, all that went away. I lost all my confidence and fell into addiction, driving away the few friends I had.

Now... Now I am all alone. I spend my days at my school, hiding in bathrooms and never making any contact. I have failed several exams because I lack the social skills of asking others for help or asking where such and such a lecture is.

It has gotten worse just the last three weeks and I see no alternative than suicide. I will never improve, my condition is chronic and I am only creating a world of pain and loneliness for myself.
Haven't set a date yet, but it will be soon.

Don't know why I write this, really. Perhaps to just feel connected to someone, somehow.

"I never could quite make it - these feelings are too much for me"

 

[Pagey]

always knowing I am inferior to others.

You do not know this - you believe it. Let me just say, from experience, suicide is not the answer. It never is. I hope you never attempted it but I have and all I can say now is there are still things worth living for. It's very difficult for me to believe sometimes, and it would be a lie to say I've never seriously considered it again, but I'm happy I'm alive and I know if it were possible you would regret ending your life. It's daunting but you need to put yourself out there. Try connecting with someone who also seems shy and insecure, you definitely aren't the only person who comes off like that. It'll be difficult but you need to push yourself, just force yourself to do it and once you've made that first step, other things will come much more easily. You said you were confident when you had a girlfriend: you see, that confidence is in you. You don't need someone else to bring it out, because it's there and you just need to realize that it is to bring it to the surface.

 

[herbavore]

Losing your confidence after a breakup is normal and very common--we all do! You have to watch out for over-thinking things and making associations with those feelings that make it seem like something you will never escape from. Being in intimate relationships, even wanting to, makes us vulnerable to hurt. We cause it and we suffer it and it is part of being human. Work on ways to connect with what you love, to explore why you are unmotivated (depression? Pursuing things because you feel you should, rather than truly are interested in or passionate about?) and more than anything try to pursue relationships with people that you actually like rather than out of general need.

Have you tried any kind of therapy? I think it could help you find some relief.

 

[AnrBjotk]

Have you tried any kind of therapy? I think it could help you find some relief.

I've been in therapy since I was fifteen (I'm now twenty-five). I've tried every medication possible. I've had five different therapists.
Nothing helps.
The problem is that what I need is friends, social support. But I cannot obtain that because I never trust people enough to let them in close (because of numerous rejection, and lack of experience) People avoid me or assume i want to be alone because of my behaviour. Nothing could be further from the truth.
It's like I'm trapped in a disabled body. The fear, the anxiety takes over.
I isolate myself, missing chances, avoiding parties, etc, etc.

I never had friends growing up. The ones I had eventually rejected me, as did girlfriends.
So, I never had any support. It's hard making friends when you have none from before. Every encounter stands alone, too much pressure.
People my age already have networks and are suspicious of people who have none. People freak out when they realize I have no other friends and leave.

It's this vicious circle thing: No friends and network equals No support and anxiety; Anxiety and lack of support (foundation to fall back on) means I am too afraid and nervous to deal with social situations and therefore avoid them... It's like a poor person: No money, but can't get a job because a job requires a home and an address, which in turn requires money....

When I see people at school I freeze up. I know I am a no-friend loser who is below them. So duck and hide, not wanting to meet their judgement or mockery.
When I had my girlfriend i had SOO much confidence; A beautiful girl who loved me. But then she stopped, and took the confidence with her. She didn't love me anymore. I.e. I wasn't good enough once she got to know me...

 

[Where Wolf?]

Reading a thread on dysthymia in EADD led to my looking up the diagnostic criteria, and thinking 'oh, shit, that's me.' The chronic unhappiness with brief periods of respite, chronic lack of confidence, lifelong substance abuse...my doc just talks in vague terms of 'anxiety and depression', (under treatment for benzo addiction, it's not going so great), but our experiences are strikingly similar. I'm almost 40, and have struggled with classic dysthymic symptoms since childhood. I'm also a writer/editor - have co-authored a moderately successful non-fiction title, edited bestsellers and prize nominees, been editorial director of a small press, and had a few relationships with beautiful, brilliant women...who either detached to the point I 'dumped myself' or simply ran, when the brief spell of happiness worse off and the extent of my depressive and addictive tendencies, and fundamental ability to take pleasure in life, became apparent. Therapy and spiritual counselling and pharms haven't helped - if anything, they've made things worse.

I'm not denying thay dysthymia is a VERY real and chronic condition: but am living proof that it can be endured. Of course, we want more, or want to want more, than simple endurance...but there is another way of looking at this. Every day we get through, however ineffectually, is a triumph of a kind: and the notion of 'happiness' may be our enemy, not an ally. It's a useful concept for some, but for others, can only EVER be a constant, grinding reminder of our 'failure' to attain it. It may be that the modern notion(s) of happiness are no more real than Victorian conceits of decency: 'happiness' has no relation to the eudaimonia of the Greeks, and there's no word for it in ancient Hebrew. Why is that relevant? Because it may be that there's wisdom, however painful (and what wisdom isn't?), in the recognition that life is pain, that misery and unhappiness are perfectly rational reactions to the world we live in, and that possessing the insight of depression is in part a refusal to kid oneself. That doesn't make it any easier to live with, but read 'Hamlet' or Dostoevsky - you're in good company. Studies have consistently shown that the pessimism of depressives is a more accurate predictor of future events than 'normal', 'healthy' optimism. Dysthymia is a bleak and painful form of realism, every bit as much as it's a sickness.

You can write the novel, you will, if you give it time, form future relationships - but publishers are assholes (used to be one) and relationships inevitably bring pain. But as the years pass, I've found that it's possible to keep breathing, no matter how deep the despair and lack of faith, and though it often seems pointless to continue this existence, I can do it. Maybe I'll never be clean or happy for long periods, and underachievement may well be my fate: so what? There's always the possibility that things can change, and however unreal it seems, I hang on to it, if only because the alternative would be too predicatable and damaging to the few people in this life I'm close too.

I can't say anything more than 'endure': even if it doesn't feel like it, it's worth it, simpy not to become a statistic. And yes, I've destroyed friendships and am currently more isolated than I've ever been, but still, though the days are long and benzo withdrawa/tapering my only companion, I know I can get through them. It's not easy to take the leap of faith and believe it's worth believing - and we have to try and do it every damned day - but destroy yourself and you may be destroying future writings and empathy that can touch and guide and comfort others, and bring some sense of achievement. If it doesn't happen - well, I've been both a success and a failure at various points in my life, personally and professional, and both were trying and difficult in different ways. You have to accept, as a writer, the likelihood of failure, as the game is so corrupt and nepotistic: let the work, maddening and fristrating as it is, be its own reward. It may bring o more than a dull sense of having tried, or tried to try, but that in itself is a kind of heroism. Don't give up - one advantage of aging is that while one never gets over dysthymia, you do learn to care less what other people think, and not to judge yourself by what you take to be their standards.

And no-one but a troll is without friends on Bluelight. PM me if you want to discuss dysthymia or just vent: failing that, you're not alone, however much it feels otherwise, but would be in a coffin. I'm too young to throw my life away, and I've got 15 years on you. Most of them hurt and all my little victories and glories brought bitter aftertastes, but I'm not sorry I lived through them. And I say that from one of the loneliest, most intractable depressions I've ever been through. Sorry, I know this isn't a very coherent response, but i'm jangly from this never-ending benzo taper: you're not inferior to your peers, you just see the world differently, in many ways, more accurately, and I know that mode of vision. The pain can be redeemed with creativity and endurance: don't give in.

 

[AnrBjotk]

Reading a thread on dysthymia in EADD led to my looking up the diagnostic criteria, and thinking 'oh, shit, that's me.' The chronic unhappiness with brief periods of respite, chronic lack of confidence, lifelong substance abuse...my doc just talks in vague terms of 'anxiety and depression', (under treatment for benzo addiction, it's not going so great), but our experiences are strikingly similar. I'm almost 40, and have struggled with classic dysthymic symptoms since childhood. I'm also a writer/editor - have co-authored a moderately successful non-fiction title, edited bestsellers and prize nominees, been editorial director of a small press, and had a few relationships with beautiful, brilliant women...who either detached to the point I 'dumped myself' or simply ran, when the brief spell of happiness worse off and the extent of my depressive and addictive tendencies, and fundamental ability to take pleasure in life, became apparent. Therapy and spiritual counselling and pharms haven't helped - if anything, they've made things worse.

I'm not denying thay dysthymia is a VERY real and chronic condition: but am living proof that it can be endured. Of course, we want more, or want to want more, than simple endurance...but there is another way of looking at this. Every day we get through, however ineffectually, is a triumph of a kind: and the notion of 'happiness' may be our enemy, not an ally. It's a useful concept for some, but for others, can only EVER be a constant, grinding reminder of our 'failure' to attain it. It may be that the modern notion(s) of happiness are no more real than Victorian conceits of decency: 'happiness' has no relation to the eudaimonia of the Greeks, and there's no word for it in ancient Hebrew. Why is that relevant? Because it may be that there's wisdom, however painful (and what wisdom isn't?), in the recognition that life is pain, that misery and unhappiness are perfectly rational reactions to the world we live in, and that possessing the insight of depression is in part a refusal to kid oneself. That doesn't make it any easier to live with, but read 'Hamlet' or Dostoevsky - you're in good company. Studies have consistently shown that the pessimism of depressives is a more accurate predictor of future events than 'normal', 'healthy' optimism. Dysthymia is a bleak and painful form of realism, every bit as much as it's a sickness.

You can write the novel, you will, if you give it time, form future relationships - but publishers are assholes (used to be one) and relationships inevitably bring pain. But as the years pass, I've found that it's possible to keep breathing, no matter how deep the despair and lack of faith, and though it often seems pointless to continue this existence, I can do it. Maybe I'll never be clean or happy for long periods, and underachievement may well be my fate: so what? There's always the possibility that things can change, and however unreal it seems, I hang on to it, if only because the alternative would be too predicatable and damaging to the few people in this life I'm close too.

I can't say anything more than 'endure': even if it doesn't feel like it, it's worth it, simpy not to become a statistic. And yes, I've destroyed friendships and am currently more isolated than I've ever been, but still, though the days are long and benzo withdrawa/tapering my only companion, I know I can get through them. It's not easy to take the leap of faith and believe it's worth believing - and we have to try and do it every damned day - but destroy yourself and you may be destroying future writings and empathy that can touch and guide and comfort others, and bring some sense of achievement. If it doesn't happen - well, I've been both a success and a failure at various points in my life, personally and professional, and both were trying and difficult in different ways. You have to accept, as a writer, the likelihood of failure, as the game is so corrupt and nepotistic: let the work, maddening and fristrating as it is, be its own reward. It may bring o more than a dull sense of having tried, or tried to try, but that in itself is a kind of heroism. Don't give up - one advantage of aging is that while one never gets over dysthymia, you do learn to care less what other people think, and not to judge yourself by what you take to be their standards.

And no-one but a troll is without friends on Bluelight. PM me if you want to discuss dysthymia or just vent: failing that, you're not alone, however much it feels otherwise, but would be in a coffin. I'm too young to throw my life away, and I've got 15 years on you. Most of them hurt and all my little victories and glories brought bitter aftertastes, but I'm not sorry I lived through them. And I say that from one of the loneliest, most intractable depressions I've ever been through. Sorry, I know this isn't a very coherent response, but i'm jangly from this never-ending benzo taper: you're not inferior to your peers, you just see the world differently, in many ways, more accurately, and I know that mode of vision. The pain can be redeemed with creativity and endurance: don't give in.

Thank you.
Just came back from my therapist appointment.
I don't know what happened, but I just snapped. His attitude got on my nerves. Then again, I should be used to it. Every relationship I've ever had have been the same: At first empathy and compassion. Then, as time goes, they become tired of my whining and "refusal to change" (which They refuse to see as fear and survival technique) and eventually cut me off.
I told my therapist I had two choices: Either change my life or End it.
But experience shows me there is no change happening. I always return to this place.
I feel so tired and sick of writing and talking about this. Always the same.
I went through incredible heart ache ALONE, I went through drug addiction ALONE, and WD's ALONE, and confusion, depression, anxiety, fear, all ALONE.
I've never had anyone besides my ex-girlfriend (who eventually gave up on me, like everyone else)

I just want somebody!! Someone to care. THAT'S why I started with heroin. SOMEBODY had to care! "I started out on burgundy/ But soon hit the harder stuff/ Everybody said they’d stand behind me/ When the game got rough/But the joke was on me/ There was nobody even there to call my bluff".

I have always been alone. Should be used to it by now.
But the pain is that: I DONT WANT TO BE ALONE!. And, yet, I avoid everything social out of fear. Why?

Therapy, talk, etc, etc, it's ALL useless. I need support, real social support. But that is as foreign to me as... love.

Girls actually make noises of disgust when I sit next to them on the bus. People almost spit at me on the streets. People hate me. I can't blame them.

I want my old life back. Thats "all". I used to be happy.... But that was five years ago. Now "she" lives a happy life with lots of friends and success.

I really don't know why I don't commit suicide... I'll never have friends. Never find a girl to love. Never be happy. Nothing will change that.

People don't care if youre lonely. They have their friends, why should they care? No one will help me. All they say is "pull yourself together". I hate them for that. Why can't they see I am suffering? Why do they just pass by in the hallways when I stand sobbing (because I cant stop it anymore. I used to reserve crying for home, but now I cry everywhere. Whenever. Can't stop it anymore). Why can't someone save me?

I'm so f**king lonely.

 

[Where Wolf?]

People are generally useless when it comes to talking about loneliness: it frightens them, they pretend they don't feel it, and flinch away as though it might be infectious. But I've been just as lonely IN relationships and crowds of fair-weather friends as when completely isolated, as I am now, and I think the fear of loneliness stems from its universality - people surround themselves with friends, who often converse by way of speaking, pretending to listen and waiting for their chance to say something, and adamantly refuse to acknowledge that their 'relationships' are usually filled with areas of miscommunication, misuderstanding, mutual resentment and simple dishonesty. I know, again, that's no comfort.

I'm half-Israeli and very Jewish-looking in a provinicial part of Europe, and constantly get stared at in these xenophobic streets: I've learned not to pay attention to the stares and glares on public transport. Bear in mind that your perception of other people's thoughts of you is just a perception, probably skewed in an ultra-negative direction by dysthymic self-image. Fuck 'em: their thoughts are what? Stray dances of neurones that may be a product of a butterfly flapping its wings 40 years ago. Remind yourself that strangers know nothing about you, and those who walk on by your pain are either too wrapped up in their own problems to notice, or frightened of the reflection they see in your distress of pain they don't admit.

It does sound like you might want to try and find another therapist...but regardless, trust me, some of the pain you're writing of will lessen, or change into more bearable forms, with time. Don't allow yourself to indulge in 'I'll never...' : you can't predict the future, though such prophecies can easily become self-fulfilling. The frightening truth is you don't know...and if you don't hang around, won't get to find out, how much things can change.

 

[DeathDomokun]

You can be happy if you bond with someone. You just said you were.
I know how it feels to feel incapable of genuinely bonding and loving and caring and all that good shit, so I can't offer any advice.

 

[AnrBjotk]

You can be happy if you bond with someone. You just said you were.
I know how it feels to feel incapable of genuinely bonding and loving and caring and all that good shit, so I can't offer any advice.

So why stay alive? What are you living for if you too have no love?
I don't mean to be rude or imply ANYTHING; Just stating: YOU are alive without love; How do you do it? Friends?

 

[DeathDomokun]

I have associates. If I'm in a social situation, I can usually talk shit and get a few laughs.
I don't have any genuine bonds, or any real love.
I'm not even sure why I'm alive any more. I've been thinking about suicide more than usual lately.
I used to live for possibilities, I used to imagine scenarios I'd like to experience. I wasn't ready to give up all the opportunities/possibilities of existence.
I had hope. I thought this might have all been a test, and now I realise the only thing it is testing is my ability to ignore the blatant truth of my existence and sustain it irrespective of the misery.
I have no cure for loneliness. I have no way to fulfil conflicting desires. I have no way to stop opposites being felt simultaneously. I have no solutions for the things that make me incapable of bonding.
I have nothing to offer you. I can't give you a reason to live, or a way to make your life better.
It seems all I can do is endure this state of mind until I can no longer endure it.

 

[AnrBjotk]

I have associates. If I'm in a social situation, I can usually talk shit and get a few laughs.
I don't have any genuine bonds, or any real love.
I'm not even sure why I'm alive any more. I've been thinking about suicide more than usual lately.
I used to live for possibilities, I used to imagine scenarios I'd like to experience. I wasn't ready to give up all the opportunities/possibilities of existence.
I had hope. I thought this might have all been a test, and now I realise the only thing it is testing is my ability to ignore the blatant truth of my existence and sustain it irrespective of the misery.
I have no cure for loneliness. I have no way to fulfil conflicting desires. I have no way to stop opposites being felt simultaneously. I have no solutions for the things that make me incapable of bonding.
I have nothing to offer you. I can't give you a reason to live, or a way to make your life better.
It seems all I can do is endure this state of mind until I can no longer endure it.

But why accept such a life? Why be a victim? Why not change it, make radical changes, crazy changes like going to workshops, bars, parties, family? If you consider suicide, then you have nothing to lose if you fail, right?
I write this to you, AND to myself... Why am I so afraid if suicide is the next step anyway? Surely inpending death would give courage...

 

[Foreigner]

I say this as a depression and suicide survivor. I also had intense social anxiety as you do, and hid a lot. Part of getting better is going to eventually involve distancing yourself from these dystopian diagnoses that the medical establishment is giving you. Research shows that if you take a perfectly healthy person and immerse them in medical literature for long enough, eventually they will believe that they have one of the diseases they've read about. You are always going to be your own worst critic, more so than anyone else. The worst thing you can do is bring your self-criticisms with you when reading the DSM.

I'm not saying all this to sidestep your human condition. I believe what you are going through is real. I just think that if you identify so strongly with the label of a diagnosis that all you'll end up doing is create a self-fulfilling prophecy. I was told several times by doctors that my depression was basically permanent and I would have to be on medication my whole life. Not only was it inaccurate, but it was a downright lie. I haven't been on anti-depressants for many years now and I have different coping strategies for the normal days where I feel down.

You definitely have some big challenges to work through, but don't treat them as anything more than that. Don't stigmatize yourself. Accept the problem and open yourself up to the possibility of being changed for the better; and once you do that, life will start presenting you with avenues of change from places you'll least expect.

 

[DeathDomokun]

Because no amount of social gatherings or family events will cure my internal problem.
Suicide doesn't work like that, it's not an uplifting thing. It doesn't take away all other attachments, it simply gives you an opportunity to stop feeling (them)

 

[AnrBjotk]

Because no amount of social gatherings or family events will cure my internal problem.
Suicide doesn't work like that, it's not an uplifting thing. It doesn't take away all other attachments, it simply gives you an opportunity to stop feeling (them)

True. Very true.
I guess being social is my objet petit a, eh? Something that I don't have and that I can attach all my suffering to. What the Buddhist call the "if only"-thought. "If I only had friends"...

But, it does help a little, no? A distraction...

 

[DeathDomokun]

It's so weird. When I'm in a social place, I'm social. I make people laugh, I can even enjoy myself.
When I get home, I don't want to be social. I don't want to go out, but oh how I yearn for love and bonding, for the true desire to see someone.
I can make friends, from an 'objective point of view'
But I can't make friends subjectively. I can't feel like I've formed a real bond, all I can do is repeatedly spend time with another being.
I've loved. I just don't seem to be as capable of doing so these days.

 

[AnrBjotk]

It's so weird. When I'm in a social place, I'm social. I make people laugh, I can even enjoy myself.
When I get home, I don't want to be social. I don't want to go out, but oh how I yearn for love and bonding, for the true desire to see someone.
I can make friends, from an 'objective point of view'
But I can't make friends subjectively. I can't feel like I've formed a real bond, all I can do is repeatedly spend time with another being.
I've loved. I just don't seem to be as capable of doing so these days.

Be glad you can talk to people. I can't even look people in the eyes. When I pass people in the street, just, I get nervous and starting walking awkwardly and self-conscious. Can't figure out why it's gotten so bad lately.

 

[gearfiend]

O_O after reading OP's first post, i just realized that i think that i have this. i cant be certain at the moment, but i have literally every symptom that was described. i also ended up self medicating, although i did it with adderall which i got for my ADHD, and weed. lots and lots of weed. i experienced the same relief in these drugs. from ages 12-16 i was constantly depressed, every day was a struggle to find SOMETHING worth living for. i had no motivation, i literally did not care about anything, i could never get anything done, and i could never focus on one thing for longer than a few minutes without switching to something else. i attributed this to the ADHD, which may still be possible, but im not sure. i have read that ADHD can cause 'negative thought loops' or in other words, only being able to see the bad in things. maybe this caused the depression? i dont know. i also have the severe social inhibition and lack of confidence that the OP mentioned. can anyone tell me if i have this or the ADHD? i seem to have exactly the symptoms of both conditions... can anyone clarify this?

 

[AnrBjotk]

Well, there is always overlap to social anxiety and general depression. Have you always felt this way? Do you function socially and in terms of work? You have friends, right? (Who am I kidding, everyone has)

God... I really should just commit suicide. It will never get better. "She" will never come back. And I will never find anyone else. Not by sitting alone all day. Which is all I am able to do.
Why can't someone help me???
If I kill myself, THEN they will know. THEN they will understand. As will SHE.
That would be such a relief. Such a peace.

What is stopping me really?

 

[gearfiend]

Be glad you can talk to people. I can't even look people in the eyes. When I pass people in the street, just, I get nervous and starting walking awkwardly and self-conscious. Can't figure out why it's gotten so bad lately.

this is me when i dont take the adderall. social anxiety/social inhibition are a constant obstacle i struggle against. its even worse in school, the teacher will assign some group activity and then everyone will group up, and im always last person without a group. then i either have to say nothing and wait for someone to point it out, or talk to the teacher, who will then announce to the class in so many words that i have no friends, which clearly doesnt help matters at all. the only place i found solace was in weed and video games while high.

 

[DooMMooD]

I've been in therapy since I was fifteen (I'm now twenty-five). I've tried every medication possible. I've had five different therapists.
Nothing helps.

I seriously doubt that you have tried every medication possible and every single avenue of treatment is exhausted. When you exhaust all paths then you can start to say such things, but doubt very much that you hvae and believe this is a hyperbolic statement on your part. If I am mistaken, feel free to correct me, but thats my input.

Keep trying till all paths are exhausted. But thats the key, you need to TRY!

I have been through this very thing. I never complete projects, I have only have a one or two (yes, barely 2) girlfriends, and have problems finding today even after i've sobered up. Most of it stems from lacking a father growing up, never receiving encouragement at the right times during my development and blah blah blah. After a point though, it becomes less about the cause for these things and more about the next step: what the fuck am I gonna do about it?

I do know how you feel, I have "been there." And I used to rely on my last girlfriend for my own confidence (I have a nice, awesome, and hot, girlfriend. I must rock!), but as you yourself have learned: when you rely on an external source for happiness, confidence, and self esteem, once it disappears....we were both fucked.

What have i done? I kept trying every single possible method of curing my inescapable sadness, my inescapable depression, that feeling of no longer wanting to live because I was a heroin addict, because I lost the only things I cared about, because how would I EVER FIND another girl like that?

And because I kept trying, and kept pushing on, I have perservered. I still do NOT have a girl, and want one more than anything. But that will come in time: i have become content with where I am in life, content to wait to reap the rewards of my positive behavior. I hope you can reach this point as well. Once again though, the trick is: you have to work, hard. You have to put everything you've got into it. You can no longer be lazy, you can no longer sit around waiting for the good stuff to happen, you must make it happen yourself.

If you don't? You're doomed to continue living the way you have been.

And you cant tell me "You dont know what its like." I DO know what its like, just as much as you do Thats honestly the only way. To GET TO THAT POINT, i have had to do therapy, group and regular, I have had to attend NA, I have had to submit myself to the humiliation of drug tests in order to fix that aspect of my fucked up miserable existence. But I am no longer miserable. Its POSSIBLE if you want it.

You can eventually reach a state of contention with your place in the universe, and become confidence that "good things will happen if you keep doing the right thing." I am no longer pissed that I dont have a girl, because I know if I keep putting in the work, keep doing the right thing, and keep true to the positive aspects of myself, it'll happen. The universe takes care of people who do the right thing. You have a purpose, a role that is yet to be fulfilled, which you are unaware of. if you didn't? you wouldn't be here, the universe would have taken you from us.