Dying a slow and painful death

[Zephyn]

I've got some unexplainable chronic health effects that the only possible cause could be long term drug abuse of an array of different classical and experimental compounds of all different and often exotic types, many times in overdose amounts, often repeated. Never stuck with one thing or the other. I used to be happy, but I just don't feel okay anymore. I cannot even make myself eat. I cannot clean up after myself. I suffer with anxiety, physical pain, depression. Drugs that help in an acute sense, like opioids or cocaine make me so reckless Its unclear of if I have bipolar or if those drugs are capable of completely destroying someone's ability to make rational decisions that don't completely destroy their life, so I nowadays just deal with the suffering. Nothing that helps, but doesn't make me lose control, like Xanax, is feasible or a long term solution. I've tried other meds but nothing seems to help at all and the side effects aren't worth it. In fact, I am pretty sure I noticed my mental health seriously declining after even trying psychiatric meds. At this point, im having physical health issues start to manifest. The only possibility could be I have some kind of disease that hasnt started showing on tests yet like hiv. Otherwise, I mean, whats the explanation of physical health issues with no diagnosable cause? I mean, binging on drugs every couple weeks for ten years (only getting really into classic stimulants and opiates in the last 3 years, most of that was psychedelics) doesn't cause the same type of issues as staying on something and chronically abusing something. The worst part is the physical sensation of malaise and anhedonia, as if I am on some kind of dysphoric drug. That mixed with the hppd makes me feel as if I am in withdrawal constantly even though there is no known dependency and I haven't been using anything regularly enough ever for that. Never been seriously dope sick, so PAWS is out of the question, I wish it was that so I knew it would get better with time. Whatever it is, is going to kill me if I don't get it under control, and soon.

Of course, it could be something like an array of different ailments like: aspergers, OCD, HIV, bipolar, and just literal brain damage from overdoses from eyeballing extremely potent experimental compounds (which i havent done even remotely recently, so this isn't an acute issue), that is never going to get better and im likely going to die now.

I wish it were some kind of dependency, because at this point I would just give in to it to stop suffering and get my life together, but I don't even know what drugs could help. I mean, stimulants would help for sure, could this be partially adhd? But I cannot help but abuse them, I then lose control and wind up in psychosis. Benzos would help to, but would stop working after a few weeks or months and then I'd just be addicted. Should I just get on methadone for anxiety (as benzos would just stop working and buprenorphine builds tolerance in only a few days and loses effectiveness and doesn't help anxiety much anyway,, i imagine methadone would be more anxiolyitc being a full agonist, and other opioids aren't sustainable for an addiction being street drugs) and Adderall for the depression and adhd and just try really hard not to go overboard and abuse it? Am I even capable of that or do I have some defective gene or comorbid disorder that will cause mania and make not abusing it impossible? Why the fuck is my body aching and my stomach hurting with shitting myself? For months after being sober.. so its not like it was ever opiate addiction. Still, i know heroin would help too. Would methadone make me feel better? For how long before tolerance made it ineffective?

 

[RedRum OG]

How long have you been sober? A few months? That's not nearly long enough. You are going to have to just accept feeling horrible for a while and push through it. Make a set sleep schedule. Start exercising, lift weights. Eat regularly with lots of fat and protein. Get a therapist and find a support group to get help and perspective.

Definitely dont start taking adderall or xanax. Those will fuck you up long term, maybe even worse than opiates. Stay far away from stimulants and benzos. Drugs arent going to help your brain heal

 

[deficiT]

There aren't any easy answers here, but I think staying sober, working on meditation, yoga, or exercise would be a start. Of course it's hard to do these things when you have severe depression. So maybe some therapy would be in order too. Either way, sending love your way and hoping you can get through this.

 

[Lauren1978]

I've got some unexplainable chronic health effects that the only possible cause could be long term drug abuse of an array of different classical and experimental compounds of all different and often exotic types, many times in overdose amounts, often repeated. Never stuck with one thing or the other. I used to be happy, but I just don't feel okay anymore. I cannot even make myself eat. I cannot clean up after myself. I suffer with anxiety, physical pain, depression. Drugs that help in an acute sense, like opioids or cocaine make me so reckless Its unclear of if I have bipolar or if those drugs are capable of completely destroying someone's ability to make rational decisions that don't completely destroy their life, so I nowadays just deal with the suffering. Nothing that helps, but doesn't make me lose control, like Xanax, is feasible or a long term solution. I've tried other meds but nothing seems to help at all and the side effects aren't worth it. In fact, I am pretty sure I noticed my mental health seriously declining after even trying psychiatric meds. At this point, im having physical health issues start to manifest. The only possibility could be I have some kind of disease that hasnt started showing on tests yet like hiv. Otherwise, I mean, whats the explanation of physical health issues with no diagnosable cause? I mean, binging on drugs every couple weeks for ten years (only getting really into classic stimulants and opiates in the last 3 years, most of that was psychedelics) doesn't cause the same type of issues as staying on something and chronically abusing something. The worst part is the physical sensation of malaise and anhedonia, as if I am on some kind of dysphoric drug. That mixed with the hppd makes me feel as if I am in withdrawal constantly even though there is no known dependency and I haven't been using anything regularly enough ever for that. Never been seriously dope sick, so PAWS is out of the question, I wish it was that so I knew it would get better with time. Whatever it is, is going to kill me if I don't get it under control, and soon.

Of course, it could be something like an array of different ailments like: aspergers, OCD, HIV, bipolar, and just literal brain damage from overdoses from eyeballing extremely potent experimental compounds (which i havent done even remotely recently, so this isn't an acute issue), that is never going to get better and im likely going to die now.

I wish it were some kind of dependency, because at this point I would just give in to it to stop suffering and get my life together, but I don't even know what drugs could help. I mean, stimulants would help for sure, could this be partially adhd? But I cannot help but abuse them, I then lose control and wind up in psychosis. Benzos would help to, but would stop working after a few weeks or months and then I'd just be addicted. Should I just get on methadone for anxiety (as benzos would just stop working and buprenorphine builds tolerance in only a few days and loses effectiveness and doesn't help anxiety much anyway,, i imagine methadone would be more anxiolyitc being a full agonist, and other opioids aren't sustainable for an addiction being street drugs) and Adderall for the depression and adhd and just try really hard not to go overboard and abuse it? Am I even capable of that or do I have some defective gene or comorbid disorder that will cause mania and make not abusing it impossible? Why the fuck is my body aching and my stomach hurting with shitting myself? For months after being sober.. so its not like it was ever opiate addiction. Still, i know heroin would help too. Would methadone make me feel better? For how long before tolerance made it ineffective?

This is tough. The part about anhedonia - it frightened me the most and it's the leading cause of relapse (after initially getting thru withdrawal). I had back surgery and tremendous pain but it was the depression/anxiety that I feared the most.

Luckily, the brain is among other things, a trainable muscle. My neurologist said There is such a thing as "neuro plasticity" which means you can recover & retrain your brain to kickstart the endorphin production again. You CAN speed up getting your endorphins back. HOW?

Time + endorphin activities you can do = endorphin creation = recovery.

The activities to do are whatever raises your mood - and include having sex and being intimate with someone (or yourself) since we know orgasms are good for us!, hearing music that lifts your mood, going to a concert or live show - live shows are more intense and take your attention, things that require your focus, good exercise - even when it's the last thing you feel like doing, (obviously any hobby or passion YOU enjoy doing-renew), and any activities that require your utter focus and give you a kind of rush - like performing, playing music, or an active sport, things that give you an adrenaline rush in a good way, changing your environment - TRAVELING when you can,
watching comedies and getting yourself to LAUGH HARD - all these things raise our endorphins and they can have a snowball effect.
And you can do these. After awhile, you may find some meds help with long term depression or anxiety - but first things first.

Just remember - You CAN be happy again -- even without opiates. Don't believe the lie we all told ourselves about 'NEEDING" drugs to feel normal. Withdrawal sucks but it is finite.

As for underlying health issues, hey don't ignore them. But my guess is that the opiates & other meds are probably masking or confusing the symptoms. (And withdrawal always feels like f--- cancer.) Since I'm not qualified to assess with that, all I can say is get clear, and then follow up.

You have to clear yourself at least for a few weeks to figure out what is really happening AND what the best treatment is and getting it all checked out. The doctors will have a clearer picture too.

Keep us posted. You are not alone.

 

[ControlDaddy]

Snap out of it buddy. I am not being insensitive here, I know you have real shit going on, but you were doing a lot better last night. Go back to that thread with an open mind, and read any replies that you put sad faces on. Those are the things you need to accept but are resisting. If you accept those things, everything you are addressing in this thread, can be managed. It will still take courage and hard work, you have to find that in yourself again.

 

[ControlDaddy]

My neurologist said There is such a thing as "neuro plasticity" which means you can recover & retrain your brain to kickstart the endorphin production again. You CAN speed up getting your endorphins back.

This is important also with regards to psychotherapy, which will help you get your cognition back on track. That is really all that is off kilter, and I am close to certain it has a psychological pathology, not a chemical one, and not a physical one.

You keep pointing out yourself, reasons that these things probably aren't related to withdrawal (physical) or brain damage (physical), for instance. And I have seen you around here this past month, not suffering consistently from any chemical imbalance that can't be explained by a proximal drug interaction. The thing I see that is consistent, is a psychological (mental) one. You consistently show a psychological dependence on either drug experimentation or abuse as causes of your problems, or various mental disorders as causes of your problems (you might have self-diagnosed yourself with possibly any and all conditions in the book, except for hypochondria, hint hint), or the psychological dependence on drugs (medication or otherwise) as the only solution for your. problems. I can't make you see it, but it is pretty obvious where you need to start, and why this kind of exponential expounding of other possible pathologies is not likely to result in a useful diagnosis or treatment plan or guidance out of depression. All I see are lots of open-ended theories, when all is said and done.

 

[Zephyn]

I guess I am going to try the therapy, on a frequent basis, maybe every day. I just cannot wrap my head around how any of this could be psychosomatic. I've experienced psychosomatic stuff before but this far exceeds that experience.

 

[ControlDaddy]

I guess I am going to try the therapy, on a frequent basis, maybe every day. I just cannot wrap my head around how any of this could be psychosomatic. I've experienced psychosomatic stuff before but this far exceeds that experience.

No kidding! Funny though, just twenty minutes before you wrote this, I wrote this about psychosomatic "stuff" that exceeded most of my other life experiences.

Writing the reports

always rejecting the dragon. Do you know of which curse i talk of?

www.bluelight.org

 

[railroadbridgesession]

How long have you been sober? A few months? That's not nearly long enough. You are going to have to just accept feeling horrible for a while and push through it. Make a set sleep schedule. Start exercising, lift weights. Eat regularly with lots of fat and protein. Get a therapist and find a support group to get help and perspective.

Definitely dont start taking adderall or xanax. Those will fuck you up long term, maybe even worse than opiates. Stay far away from stimulants and benzos. Drugs arent going to help your brain heal

Good advice.

My cousin who died of a heroin laced with fent OD was simultaneously being prescribed Adder and Xan and that just increased his entire issue if you want my perspective on why the psych professional and inpatient rehab didn't fix him.

 

[Zephyn]

I've known serious drug addicts who were able to straighten their lives out better with the drugs than without after maintenance of various addictions, including Adderall and Xanax prescriptions. If I just hopped on all 3, methadone, Adderall, and Xanax, im sure I'd feel good for at least a few years no? The fact that I couldn't even get 5 years of stability is what puts me off. I'll likely and hopefully never do something that stupid, at least as far as the methadone or benzos are concerned.

 

[Zephyn]

I am praying for the day they create a strong anxiolytic that doesn't cause such quick tolerance and has no dependency

 

[Flynnal]

I am praying for the day they create a strong anxiolytic that doesn't cause such quick tolerance and has no dependency

That's really the endgame, isn't it?

 

[Jabberwocky]

@Zephyn

You know, I can be annoyingly optimistic even in my own life, towards myself, but I really truly believe that "things could always be worse". Inversely, things can always get better. I don't know how old you are but for me, my seemingly incurable issues are surprisingly easy to fix, however usually involve doing things I don't like doing. I can't speak for you, but my life works like that. As far as my schizo and anxiety, if I just avoid drugs, take my meds and then deal with my anxieties like an adult my life is quite normal and productive. My schizo is going away again now since I quit taking LSD - (go figure? lol). Just speaking for myself.

 

[ControlDaddy]

@Zephyn

You know, I can be annoyingly optimistic even in my own life, towards myself, but I really truly believe that "things could always be worse". Inversely, things can always get better. I don't know how old you are but for me, my seemingly incurable issues are surprisingly easy to fix, however usually involve doing things I don't like doing. I can't speak for you, but my life works like that. As far as my schizo and anxiety, if I just avoid drugs, take my meds and then deal with my anxieties like an adult my life is quite normal and productive. My schizo is going away again now since I quit taking LSD - (go figure? lol). Just speaking for myself.

Thank you! This is the gist of what I have been getting at, in the 5000 words or so in this, and the preceding hopelessly tragic threads about a panacea of drug problems and their drug solutions.

It is almost like @SnafuInTheVoid also quit taking the methamphetamines as well, the way he is profound yet plainspoken and not prone to using way too many words for normal people to read!

 

[Jabberwocky]

I feel really sorry for what you are going through @Zephyn. I have not had the drug diet you have had but I’ve abused psychadelics, stimulants, and empathogens on and off for 30 years.

What I can tell you is that at the end of the “on” period and during the beginning of the “off” period I have suffered many of the symptoms you are describing. But given time, therapy, exercise, and abstinence I mostly recovered each time for a few years before I picked up again for one reason or another.

I would not be overly worried about a psychiatric diagnosis. Many of the drugs you list taking mimic the the symptoms of different mental illnesses. For example too much stimulants erodes your executive functionng (self-restraint) and looks a lot like ADHD.

There is also considerable evidence that therapy and cognitive behavioural changes are much better for relieving anxiety than any kind of anxiolotic. I have found that to be true and only use benzos in emergencies (usually for bad comedowns).

Everyone is different but I always saved myself through daily moderate and repetitive exercise. Swimming laps and yoga are physical and deliver those endorphins but they are also meditative and quiet your anxious mind.

I also found that a fixed-time program of anti-depressants or anti-psychotics (maybe 6 months) combined with participating in AA daily for 100 days was an effective circuit breaker and free therapy. I never stayed longer than that but often stayed sober for several years based on that 100 day investment.

And because I don’t tolerate SSRI’s I trialled ECT for extreme anxiety that I think derived from stimulant abuse. It was hugely effective for me combined with learning techniques of CBT and Mindfullness.

I never worried about the long term, I just concentrated on making each day a little more tolerable than the previous one. Putting all these things together I went from being suicidal to really loving my life several times over the years.

Eventually it also meant that I could take some drugs without totally destroying myself.

So basically, don’t give up hope and keep an open mind about what might help and how long it might take.