blues runner
Bluelighter
I first tried DXM (Dextromethorphan) seven years ago. I learned of its dissociative effects in higher than therapeutic doses simply through reading. At that time, I knew no one that had tried DXM, but I, as a rather heavy recreational drug user and ever-curious guy, decided to try it, to see what it was all about.
Although its effects are supposedly quite similar to those of Ketamine, I found their effects almost identical sometimes, in certain aspects, but markedly different in others. On Ketamine I always found myself wanting to do nothing but lie down in the dark and watch (feel? hear?) the grid-like, beautifully mathematical reality of, apparently, the universe. In high doses, I "forgot" I was a living person with a name, a story. To say I had an outer body experience doesn't do justice to the trip. In all honesty however, I feel I'm not well-informed enough to accurately assess the versatility of Ketamine as a trip tool and its variable effects at different dosages, since whenever I used it I nearly always used the same amount.
At 200mg or so, one of the most beautiful effects DXM produced for me was an astonishingly powerful appreciation for music. No matter how familiar I was with the music I listened to while on it, I was able to discover new gems, to revel in the perfection of the inevitability of the notes, if that makes any sense. I remember that another plus to this dosage was that physical movement (e.g. dancing, walking) was still very much possible, while with Ketamine I never had the desire to move at all. I was always fond of dim light while on DXM (perhaps a red light only), and rather enjoyed being alone. That was a definite similarity between Ketamine and DXM for me: I enjoyed my own company profoundly. When alone, I have the chance to think thoroughly. I've always welcomed any opportunity I get to become more introspective, aware of my surroundings or perceptions in an altered and hopefully educational way. This brings me to what happens when the DXM dosage is increased...
At about 400-500mg, I wanted typically to speak to no one. Talking became difficult in fact, but with the higher dose came a tendency to wonder if speaking was worthwhile at all. For me, it was never desirable to do so. Music was still welcome at this higher level, but it had to be a certain kind of music, something that felt conducive to a more inquisitive, personal examination of what it meant to be alive, to exist, to be able to experience, perceive. The higher the dose, the heavier my body seemed to become (and the more unnecessary as well). Suffice it to say that for me, the higher the dose on DXM, the more cerebral rather than "enjoyable and innocent" the trip became.
The most DXM I've ever taken was about 900mg, and, I'm not sure I can relay to you in words what it was all about, if I even really “remember” that incredibly powerful trip. It certainly wasn't threatening, but seemed neither enjoyable nor unpleasant. Rather, in retrospect I might say it seemed necessary. All the complexities of life were no longer complex at all. I think I temporarily had the ability to strip away all the superfluous garbage that can bog life down and, for that time, I knew why people do, have always done, the things they do as they continue on for however many years they'll live. Buying gifts for loved ones, taking a shower, laying siege to a castle, planting a garden, forging a sword, tying shoes, getting car insurance etc...all of these were suddenly trivial (but also necessary, in a paradoxical sort of way) things people do to increase their level of comfort. If they do some of these things because they feel they need to in order to escape punishment at the hands of someone more powerful, then they're still doing it to increase their comfort level. On that "super-trip", the only thing that mattered was an accurate awareness of what it means to be alive, to be able to love and continue living in whatever way is chosen. I had an astonishing, brutally powerful awareness that anything in life is only as important as the importance I assign it. When I thought of human suffering, of war, of wrongful death, of terrible pain, I became unbearably sad. Interestingly enough, however, I was grateful that I had the capacity for that kind of sadness. Not in an arrogant, "I feel sorry for humans" kind of way...but more so in the personal lesson I derived from the experience: that I'm able to weep when I perceive strife, hurt, injustice...but also able to laugh when I experience joy and goodness - that without a doubt, I have a conscience.
I remember my last trip on DXM quite well. I took about 600mg and about three hours later, I opened my second story window in my red light bathed room, and looked at the houses and apartments surrounding my home. It was about midnight and I could still see people at work, going about their "business" so to speak, doing that which they deemed advantageous to either themselves directly or beneficial for their loved ones or friends (same thing?). I was struck with the semi-disturbing realization once again that humans are inherently selfish creatures, but that this is simply an evolutionary necessity as it is with other species. I had the opportunity to muse, to examine my understanding of my conscience, to wonder if others, in their own ways, ever do the same or if some people simply don't ever think about such things. And I think they don't. I think many people simply live simply and don't ask unanswerable questions, aren't interested in any of these things. Why? I don't really know. It's the same thing I conclude when I ask myself why I chose agnosticism over belief when it was never illustrated for me by others that Reason is most likely the only sensible and responsible approach to use, in a manner of speaking. It just made the most sense to me at a young age, even though I was surrounded by nothing but that which usually spurs people to live a life of devotion to those things which cannot be backed by evidence.
DXM enabled me to ask questions. I love questions. I love to explore, to learn, to complicate and then simplify. Sometimes, on an especially potent dose of DXM, I was able to apparently see logic to the illogical, a reason for the reasonless. Lying on my back, eyes closed, I could envision, experience a tunnel-like, faster than light speed propulsion journey through...what? Green grids, fleeting equations, banshees wailing but I can't hear because there is no me...why? Because I'm not necessary. Nothing is. But then, it's precisely for this reason that the opposite is true as well. The trip presents that which is perceived. Because it's perceived, it's able to be dissipated, but then, afterward, reconstructed. Perfect imperfection. The incomplete is complete. Consonant dissonance. All of these are just words, however. That's the sad part. The stunning power of the true trip can never be done justice with mere words.
I realize a good deal of what I've written here might seem very strange, perhaps even silly. It is, and it isn't. It doesn't really matter. Life goes on. DXM is just another tool I chose to use in my examination of my life. For the record, I've never done PCP, which is why I haven't mentioned it. I would though. I think it's always a good idea to try something new, to do something different, as long as it doesn't cause others pain (a rather ironic statement that, considering all the pain my opiate and alcohol addictions have caused my loved ones). To the best of my knowledge, this life is the only chance I'll ever have to live. I want to learn, to grow. Or do I?
Although its effects are supposedly quite similar to those of Ketamine, I found their effects almost identical sometimes, in certain aspects, but markedly different in others. On Ketamine I always found myself wanting to do nothing but lie down in the dark and watch (feel? hear?) the grid-like, beautifully mathematical reality of, apparently, the universe. In high doses, I "forgot" I was a living person with a name, a story. To say I had an outer body experience doesn't do justice to the trip. In all honesty however, I feel I'm not well-informed enough to accurately assess the versatility of Ketamine as a trip tool and its variable effects at different dosages, since whenever I used it I nearly always used the same amount.
At 200mg or so, one of the most beautiful effects DXM produced for me was an astonishingly powerful appreciation for music. No matter how familiar I was with the music I listened to while on it, I was able to discover new gems, to revel in the perfection of the inevitability of the notes, if that makes any sense. I remember that another plus to this dosage was that physical movement (e.g. dancing, walking) was still very much possible, while with Ketamine I never had the desire to move at all. I was always fond of dim light while on DXM (perhaps a red light only), and rather enjoyed being alone. That was a definite similarity between Ketamine and DXM for me: I enjoyed my own company profoundly. When alone, I have the chance to think thoroughly. I've always welcomed any opportunity I get to become more introspective, aware of my surroundings or perceptions in an altered and hopefully educational way. This brings me to what happens when the DXM dosage is increased...
At about 400-500mg, I wanted typically to speak to no one. Talking became difficult in fact, but with the higher dose came a tendency to wonder if speaking was worthwhile at all. For me, it was never desirable to do so. Music was still welcome at this higher level, but it had to be a certain kind of music, something that felt conducive to a more inquisitive, personal examination of what it meant to be alive, to exist, to be able to experience, perceive. The higher the dose, the heavier my body seemed to become (and the more unnecessary as well). Suffice it to say that for me, the higher the dose on DXM, the more cerebral rather than "enjoyable and innocent" the trip became.
The most DXM I've ever taken was about 900mg, and, I'm not sure I can relay to you in words what it was all about, if I even really “remember” that incredibly powerful trip. It certainly wasn't threatening, but seemed neither enjoyable nor unpleasant. Rather, in retrospect I might say it seemed necessary. All the complexities of life were no longer complex at all. I think I temporarily had the ability to strip away all the superfluous garbage that can bog life down and, for that time, I knew why people do, have always done, the things they do as they continue on for however many years they'll live. Buying gifts for loved ones, taking a shower, laying siege to a castle, planting a garden, forging a sword, tying shoes, getting car insurance etc...all of these were suddenly trivial (but also necessary, in a paradoxical sort of way) things people do to increase their level of comfort. If they do some of these things because they feel they need to in order to escape punishment at the hands of someone more powerful, then they're still doing it to increase their comfort level. On that "super-trip", the only thing that mattered was an accurate awareness of what it means to be alive, to be able to love and continue living in whatever way is chosen. I had an astonishing, brutally powerful awareness that anything in life is only as important as the importance I assign it. When I thought of human suffering, of war, of wrongful death, of terrible pain, I became unbearably sad. Interestingly enough, however, I was grateful that I had the capacity for that kind of sadness. Not in an arrogant, "I feel sorry for humans" kind of way...but more so in the personal lesson I derived from the experience: that I'm able to weep when I perceive strife, hurt, injustice...but also able to laugh when I experience joy and goodness - that without a doubt, I have a conscience.
I remember my last trip on DXM quite well. I took about 600mg and about three hours later, I opened my second story window in my red light bathed room, and looked at the houses and apartments surrounding my home. It was about midnight and I could still see people at work, going about their "business" so to speak, doing that which they deemed advantageous to either themselves directly or beneficial for their loved ones or friends (same thing?). I was struck with the semi-disturbing realization once again that humans are inherently selfish creatures, but that this is simply an evolutionary necessity as it is with other species. I had the opportunity to muse, to examine my understanding of my conscience, to wonder if others, in their own ways, ever do the same or if some people simply don't ever think about such things. And I think they don't. I think many people simply live simply and don't ask unanswerable questions, aren't interested in any of these things. Why? I don't really know. It's the same thing I conclude when I ask myself why I chose agnosticism over belief when it was never illustrated for me by others that Reason is most likely the only sensible and responsible approach to use, in a manner of speaking. It just made the most sense to me at a young age, even though I was surrounded by nothing but that which usually spurs people to live a life of devotion to those things which cannot be backed by evidence.
DXM enabled me to ask questions. I love questions. I love to explore, to learn, to complicate and then simplify. Sometimes, on an especially potent dose of DXM, I was able to apparently see logic to the illogical, a reason for the reasonless. Lying on my back, eyes closed, I could envision, experience a tunnel-like, faster than light speed propulsion journey through...what? Green grids, fleeting equations, banshees wailing but I can't hear because there is no me...why? Because I'm not necessary. Nothing is. But then, it's precisely for this reason that the opposite is true as well. The trip presents that which is perceived. Because it's perceived, it's able to be dissipated, but then, afterward, reconstructed. Perfect imperfection. The incomplete is complete. Consonant dissonance. All of these are just words, however. That's the sad part. The stunning power of the true trip can never be done justice with mere words.
I realize a good deal of what I've written here might seem very strange, perhaps even silly. It is, and it isn't. It doesn't really matter. Life goes on. DXM is just another tool I chose to use in my examination of my life. For the record, I've never done PCP, which is why I haven't mentioned it. I would though. I think it's always a good idea to try something new, to do something different, as long as it doesn't cause others pain (a rather ironic statement that, considering all the pain my opiate and alcohol addictions have caused my loved ones). To the best of my knowledge, this life is the only chance I'll ever have to live. I want to learn, to grow. Or do I?
and was able to act well and good without them knowing I was tripping. I personally believe that you get a different experience from different brands.