fireredfreak
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 7, 2010
- Messages
- 59
4 days of self discovery!
Body Weight = 140 lbs
Introduction:
I've been waiting for a moment where I'd have some alone time for quite awhile. I've been dying to try DXM out, and just knew I couldn't do that around my girlfriend. To my surprise; she has been planning a family reunion with her family where they'd meet up out of state for 5 days. I was very excited about this; because, the opportunity has finally come where I can search deep inside my mind for some answers. Throughout my life I've had very bad anxieties, I've been depressed, and life has felt so fake... so pointless to me. Thoughts of suicide have crossed my mind many times since I was a child. I hated life, and lived many miserable days... too many to even begin to fathom. Between my Dad getting divorced with my Mother when I was a kid, my Grandmother having a heart attack in front of me, and then dying a week later, my Aunt B dying from liver failure, and some form of brain damage, being brutally assaulted in the woods one evening by a large group of gangsters, my family always fighting when they get around each other, and so much shit that I've grown to hate inside of my life; shit that haunts me every day of my life. I just want to shut these memories the fuck out of my system, and move the hell on.
Drugs seem to be the only solution to temporary relief from this fucked up reality I call life. It's thanks to drugs that I'm probably not buried inside of a cemetery at this moment. Thanks to drugs; I've been able to see that there are parts of me that still appreciate life; parts of me that don't live inside of the past. These parts of me deep inside of my inner soul are what make me go on in life, and they keep me sane. That's right; drugs are what I resort to when I need to see the spiritual side of me; the good side that has a heart; as well as a consciousness. Every time I've gone to people for answers; all they give me is a bunch of nonsense, but I can't blame them. They have their own lives to worry about. They don't need to fix my problems, and that's what I have to do; by my self; period.
Day 1:
Ingested 2 bottles Adult Robitussin CoughGels equivalent to 600mg DXM
It all began when I woke up around 8:04 AM thanks to the dog barking to go to the bathroom. I walked her around the block, brought her home, and then I thought it'd be a great idea to finally give Dextromethorphan HBr another shot. I headed over to Wal-Mart, found two bottles of Robitussin Cough Gels, and then I purchased them for about $8.50 total. I headed home, and then I took all 40 liquid filled gelcaps totaling 600mg. I began playing Halo 3 on my Xbox 360. After about an hour all I was feeling was lots of euphoria and relaxation. I began wondering if this would even work; then I thought for a second... there's no way this is it; just be patient; the real trip will come soon. I had no idea how crazy the next 3-4 hours were going to get. I headed over to the kitchen, and I was beginning to feel loads of euphoria. I was thinking how amazing it is to get such a nice feeling for only eight dollars and fifty cents. I was like (WOW! This is the most amazing feeling ever!); then I paused, and I thought for a minute about the situation. I thought... there's got to be more to it than this! Boy oh boy was I right!
I headed upstairs to go read up some more trip reports on DXM. My motor skills were going shot, and I found it extremely difficult to walk in a straight line, and found it even more difficult to make it up the stairs. I sat down on my computer chair, and went straight to erowid.org to check for reports. It was extremely hard to stay still; my body was moving/swaying left to right over and over again. I felt completely intoxicated, and began to feel detached from myself. I began reading one of the reports, and I read that the guy was listening to music. I thought for a moment (why the hell am I not listening to music?); then I put on (Per) Version of a Truth by Mudvayne. The song was too much for me to handle. The screaming, the negativity... it was beginning to make me feel mad, and then I shut the song off; because, I began to feel terrified by it. I started feeling extremely fucked up, and I had to think quickly about what to do. I was losing my mind! I thought (LAY DOWN ON THE BED QUICKLY!); and, then I headed to the bed, and I dropped straight into it. I rested my head on the pillow, pulled the blanket over me, and began to lose all contact with my conscious mind. I was looking around at the room, and everything was bending all over the place. The entire room appeared to me as if I were looking through circus mirrors.
This is when things become insane...
I could feel this feeling all throughout my brain. I was losing control of my mind, and I started to feel completely dissociated from my body. I couldn't feel a thing! I was staring at this box in the closet, and for some reason it was scaring me. I stopped looking at it, and then my ego started to die. I wasn't me anymore for the next 2-3 hours. What I experienced during this time was so intense, so insane; I can't even put it into words! I was cycling through all kinds of thoughts. I began questioning my own existence! Who am I? Where am I? What am I? I had no answers anymore; yet for some reason... I felt like I knew the answers to these questions, and that sense of knowing made me feel content, and it kept me from panicking. My vision was completely to shit, and I couldn't comprehend anything at all; yet, for some reason everything made complete 100% sense to me. I felt like I knew everything, and yet as if I knew nothing. Next; I feel like I'm dying, and eventually as if I do die.
Things go blank for what seems like an eternity...
It felt like I didn't exist for an eternity, I was staring into a complete void for thousands of years. All of a sudden life strikes back into my heart, and I jump up to my knees gasping for air. I told myself to breath! (I don't know how long I held my breath, but it felt like I wasn't breathing for an eternity.) I started saying loudly (OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT!); that's all I could think of for some reason. I felt completely mentally retarded. I began wondering if I was permanently brain dead do to a lack of oxygen in my brain from not breathing. I was completely immobile. I couldn't move; I couldn't feel my arms or my legs; I couldn't feel anything at all. I was having flash backs of the time I was at the hospital checking on my Aunt B before she died. She was suffering some form of brain damage, and couldn't talk/do anything but stare with her eyes. I began to feel as though I knew exactly what she was going through. I felt as though it was happening to me. My entire world was completely shattered and fucked up. Nothing made sense anymore. I kept asking myself if I'd ever be normal again, or if I'd be brain dead for the rest of my life. Then I thought; no way! I'm using my imagination too much; this is just a result to the DXM, and these effects have got to go away eventually.
I never knew DXM was such a wild drug. All this time I've been thinking it's just like any other drug I've done, but damn was I wrong. I've done Mushrooms, PCP, Peyote, Morning Glory, Opiates, SSRIs, Alcohol, Marijuana, Benadryl, Dramamine, Datura, Nutmeg, Marijuana laced with Embalming Fluid (we called it "wet"), MDMA etc... and I've got to tell you; my last encounter with DXM has been by far the most intense experience I've ever had. Not to say that most of the drugs I've listed cannot give me an even more intense experience than my DXM one; because, they definitely can if I tried larger dosages of them. I'm just saying that I did not expect that trip to be so insane. It was as if I kept dying, and then each time I came back to life I was gasping for air, and it felt so great to know that I was still alive. During my voyage into eternity I felt as though I was floating through time. I was living in the future, the past, the present; shit, I was even living inside of the universe. I was one with everything that exists. It felt as though everything was the same, and there was no explanation to anything. Things are what they are, and that's all there is to it. There is no answer to existence; we are what we are; the universe, and everything in it is just here. There is no reason for anything. Just appreciate what I have; because, one day; when I die... I may never exist again.
I was thinking about so much more than just my own existence. I was thinking through the minds of other people. It felt as if my soul was forging into other beings. I was having conversations with other people in different dimensions of time. I was living multiple different lives, and this wasn't the only one. I thought that maybe if I die; my consciousness will shift to another life. It really did appear to me that reincarnation really does exist. I thought about killing myself a few times, but then I thought as if that were a very dumb idea. Live the life I have, and one day when I die... I'll get my answer.
I remember what this feeling was like. The feeling of regaining my own existence. I woke back up to reality, and I was searching for who I was, and then it was the most amazing feeling ever. I felt as if I were reborn back inside of my body/mind. I kept thinking (rebirth, rebirth, rebirth, rebirth...), and that was exactly what it felt like. I was staring around the room. Everything I looked at didn't click inside of my head. My vision was completely blurred to hell. I was almost completely blind. I couldn't feel my own body. I tried my hardest to get up, and make it to my computer chair. It wasn't easy; my body was completely numb, but I eventually made it. I sat there staring at my computer screen, and then it happened again... I died, and was completely lost inside of my head again. I was staring at my computer screen, touching the images on it; feeling them... it felt as if I could crawl through my screen, and travel into a new dimension of existence; yet, I for some reason just knew that I couldn't do that. It just felt as if I had the capability to do it; I just didn't know how to do it. I regained consciousness, and I crawled back into my bed. I laid down for another hour or so slowly gaining control over my mind. I kept thinking how I couldn't wait to regain control of myself. I wanted to get up so badly, but knew I couldn't. So I just chilled there... in my bed... patiently waiting for the numbness in my body to go away.
I learned so much from this experience, and for those of you thinking about trying DXM... do not take this drug as lightly as I did. Expect to have the biggest mind fuck you can ever imagine. This was surely the most fucked up experience I've ever had in my life, and it got me questioning the existence of myself and everything in the world I live in.
Day 2:
Ingested 1 bottle Adult Robitussin Cough equivalent to 354mg DXM & 1.4% Alcohol
Smoked 1 bowl pack Marijuana
I had the most amazing time a man could ever ask for. The trip seriously lasted from 4:45 PM to about 2:40 AM when I went to sleep. The amount of thinking I've done, the open/closed eye visuals, the bazaar/realistic moments I've had where insanity felt absolutely wonderful; oh my God; I had such an awesome time. I remember laying down in the darkness, and I was looking at the computer/modem lights, and they appeared to me as monsters. Unlike the Dramamine delusions though; I could absolutely tell these creatures weren't real, but it was so hilarious looking at them. I kept pointing my finger up at the monsters laughing at their faces. (HA HA HA HA HA!) L.O.L! I was soaring through multiple different time dimensions. It was as if I was traveling through time; exploring all different moments in my past, and in my future. I was SO fucked up last night, but I didn't even CARE. It felt so amazing, and I kept smoking weed with my trip intensifying it dramatically. I wanted to get more, and more fucked up. It felt so good to completely lose my mind, and become a completely different person. I welcomed this new me inside of my body, and I loved how he thought, and how he viewed everything. I was completely comfortable with letting the old me go, and the new me take over. I was in love with this new me. I wanted to be this way for the rest of my life.
I was laying down in bed; drifting off into a very dark space of mutliple flashing lights in an eternal span of darkness, and I felt completely at peace with myself. I felt so happy to be alive, so good to exist, and I just loved everything about my existence. There's just no other feeling on earth that can compare to the amount of peace I felt within my heart and soul. I began thinking about Sasha (the dog), and how she might be bored and lonely. I thought she would love a long walk full of plenty of exercise and exploration. I used every ounce of will-power within my body/mind to get out of bed, and to get my shoes on. I went downstairs, grabbed the leash, and said come here Sasha; let's go for a walk! I put the leash on her, and took her out for a very long walk. We were walking for what seemed an eternity. We walked down roads I've never been on, through woods I've never known were there, down alleyways I'd normally be too scared to walk through at night, and in environments that would normally be uncomfortable for me; yet, I absolutely didn't care. I was free; free from fear, free from negativity; I was 100% positive, and felt like I could do anything I wanted, and nothing could hold me back. As I was walking her I felt completely detached from reality. Most of the time I didn't even know where I was; I just knew/had this sense to keep walking forward. I knew that I wouldn't get lost, and that my heart would always lead me back to the place it knows best; home.
As we were walking through a grass field I felt completely in touch with nature, the wind on my face, the sound of the grass being blown across the floor, the trees moving to the wind. It felt as if I could sense each and every piece of plant matter moving all at once; as if I was completely in touch with every single little thing that existed within my atmosphere. It was enlightening, and felt very spiritual. The humidity in the air felt like a god send. The heat felt so good on my body mixed with the lovely breeze ever so gently brushing across my clothes and skin. It was completely orgasmic in every way imaginable. I could hear Sasha's breath crystal clear. It was fast, but in an excited kind of way. I could tell she was really happy, and was having a really good time. I've begun to know exactly what it's like to love life, and it felt absolutely beautiful. I'll never forget how amazing that feeling was. It was one of the most spiritual moments in my life that I'll be grateful for until the day I die.
Day 3:
Ingested 1 tube Dramamine equivalent to 600mg of Dimenhydrinate
Smoked 1 bowl pack Marijuana
About 50 minutes after ingestion of the 12 50mg tablets I began to feel very paranoid, and things were starting to melt. It was as if the room was made out of candle wax, and heat was melting it. Just like during my 600mg Benadryl experience (took place a while back); I also gained a rather large fever, and my body was burning up really bad all day/night. The bug hallucinations were even worse than previously. The spiders this time were half the size of my fist, and it appeared as if twice the amount of bugs were crawling all across my skin. Halfway through a sentence within my thoughts I'd forget about what I was thinking of. My short-term memory was suffering majorly, and I couldn't remember anything that happened 30 seconds prior to the moments I'd try to reflect backwards. I was living inside of a new world. I lost all contact with reality, and slowly drifted into a very deep/surreal world of delusions. My imagination was so powerful that I could think about anything I wanted, and then I could create it, and place it anywhere in reality. I tried testing this ability out several times. I could make my girlfriend show up; sitting on my computer chair. All communication with my delusions took place telepathically, because, the cotton mouth I was experiencing was so severe; even if I wanted to talk I most likely couldn't do so. The fever was very painful, and I was sweating massively. I had a glass full of Pepsi with ice next to me at all times. All motor-skills were completely shot, and I could barely walk. Walking took a lot of concentration; otherwise, I most likely would have fell head first into the ground. My body was numb, and I could hardly feel anything I touched. Time was slowed down SO much that one hour felt like an entire day. I smoked some weed during my Dramamine trip, but all it did was enhance the Dramamine effects, and made them feel a lot stronger. I tried to evacuate the trip by sticking my finger down my throat to try and force myself to vomit. I tried over and over with no results. Then the light bulb moment happened (DING!). I realized that I couldn't vomit because, Dramamine is an anti-vomit drug. DUH! I felt like a moron! So I thought that I'm just gonna have to last this trip out, and there's nothing I can do about it. I could feel a very angry presence within my heart. It felt as if I didn't care about anything at all. Nothing/no-one mattered to me anymore. The amount of audio delusions I experienced were out of this world. Throughout the entire trip I would hear constant chatter from random people, lots of noises like wind, popping, whispers, moans, footsteps, creaking, thumping, pounding, crashes, horns, static, and so much more. My computer screen looked as if there were worms under the images swimming around.
It was a very painful experience, and I don't think I'll be trying Dramamine recreationally again for a very long time. I believe it's mainly a result to the cotton mouth tasting so horrible. The cotton mouth tasted so disgusting that I can still taste that horrible taste inside of my mouth. It tastes very dull/bitter, and it lingers constantly inside of my taste-buds. This trip was a disaster, and it taught me a valuable lesson. NEVER fuck with Dramamine again unless I'm prepared for what can be the worst experience in my life; because, this trip was so bad; I think I'd rather die than go through it again. It truly was a giant shift from the day before. Going from the best time in my life to the worse time in my life felt so horrible. My heart cried out in pain, and I was left with a very angry mindset/mood for the next 12-15 hours. I began feeling hate, aggravation, paranoia, envy, guilt, rage, irritability, impatience, and all kinds of negative emotions. I felt this way even after the trip was over. It fucking sucked miserably. I'd advise anyone to stay away from Dramamine. It's just not worth it.
Day 4:
Ingested 1 bottle Adult Robitussin Cough equivalent to 354mg DXM & 1.4% Alcohol
Smoked 1 bowl pack Marijuana
I woke up around 1-2 PM, and this time I knew for sure that I'd like to start my trip while it's dark out. I patiently waited until about 7:30 PM which is when I dosed. After about 40 minutes I began feeling the effects taking over; they were overwhelming, and were coming on much harder than previously. I knew I was in for a ride this time. I got off my computer, went to lay down on the bed, put my head on my pillow, pulled the blanket over my body, and then curled up into a ball, and I began rocking myself back and forth. My nerves were really stimulated beyond control, and I just had the constant urge to be moving my body. As the effects take over stronger and stronger; the sun is also going down more and more. It appeared to me as if the planet was dying, and all life was beginning to fade away into nothingness. For some reason it felt good though; finally I can rest in peace; finally all worry can leave, and I can drift off into an eternal slumber of peace and serenity. I welcomed this ever growing darkness, and I cherished it, praised it, and wished it would come faster. It didn't seem as if the light was leaving; which is technically what is happening... it appeared to me as if the darkness was coming in. It really seemed as if darkness were matter, and it was coming into my world. I could see it as if it were water, or any other form of matter. I wanted more darkness to come; darkness was the answer to all my pain; it was my salvation.
At this point I'm beginning to become so dissociated from my mind/body that it's extremely difficult to recall what goes on next, but I'll try to do my best here. I experienced another ego death as what happened during day 1. I lost all contact with myself, and I felt as though I had died. My soul was traveling in a void of nothingness, and it was searching for answers. It was seeking to discover its purpose. Why does it exist? What is it doing floating in this ever expansive dark void of nothingness? My soul wanted to know what the hell is going on! I lost all contact with my body, and with the outer world. I was trapped in these plains, or these separate worlds that didn't even know what the reality us human beings live in is. As far as my soul was concerned; it didn't have a body, it didn't have a purpose, it didn't have life, and all of my memories of my existence faded into nothing. I completely forgot about earth, about life, about humans, about the ones I love, I forgot about everything. I truly was dead this time it seemed. It really did take me an eternity to find this dimension we live in, and to get back inside of my body. I was wondering when am I going to come back?! It seemed like eternity, never ending, omg it really did take me light years to come back to this dimension. It took me every single drop of soul to keep myself from having a psychotic breakdown, and from never being able to function normally again. I was flying through different worlds searching for the one I live in. Every dimension I traveled to appeared to be a different place in time. It was as if I relived my entire life over from birth to the present. All memories of my entire life cycled through this black void I was flying through. It was a never ending movie; that for some reason just wouldn't end. It literally felt like I was stuck in the black void longer than I've lived life on this planet. I'd say it was the equivalent to about 500-1000 years. It was definitely way longer than the 22 years I've been living for.
I very faintly remember what was going on. I was cycling through each year in my life one by one. Reflecting as to what happened during the year. My soul could tap into my memory bank, and pull out memories I lost all contact with. It was fucking astonishing. There's nothing like it; I felt like a God. When I finally came to the present after an eternity of cycling through my life; I realized that I was fucked up out of my mind. I got up to my knees, crawling off of the bed, struggling to get my shoes on, and I crawled downstairs. I opened the door, went outside, and crawled over by the bushes, and just sat there on the pavement. I was staring all around me at everything. I was staring at the trees, the sky, the clouds, the full moon which was absolutely beautiful, I was staring at the cars, the houses, the road, the lights, and I was trying my hardest to make sense out of everything around me. It took me over an hour to know that I was outside sitting on the sidewalk trying to make sense out of the world I live in. It was truly a very enlightening moment, and to this day forward; I will definitely keep in mind that the planet I live on is the most beautiful place ever. If there is a God; thank you for giving me a chance to live, thank you so much for allowing me to see the beauty you've offered me; I'll forever be appreciative for this wonderful opportunity to actually exist, and to mean something. I never believed in souls, or in spirits, but after this experience; I definitely believe there's a soul inside of me, and I want to learn more about it. Back to the trip; I was staring off into the trees, thinking about endless things like meaning, existence, discovery, peace, love, compassion, care, appreciation, exploration, and so many beautifully positive emotions and beliefs.
I came back into the house, and I knew I was ready to smoke some weed. I went upstairs, and I smoked my last bowl pack. WHOA, after smoking the weed I was soaring even further into a massive trip that was far more eternal, far more bizarre, far more intense than the actual peak of the trip. It was as if I hit some different plateau of effects I've never experienced yet. It was scary as hell, and I was sitting on my computer chair wondering about all kinds of things. Why am I such a miserable person? Why am I always depressed? Why am I always so anxious? Why do I hate people? Why can't I just learn to appreciate life? Then I changed my entire chain of beliefs, and everything about me was forever changed, but then I thought no way; after I come back to baseline; I may return to my normal self. I made a mental note to never let go, to hold on to these new beliefs until I'd make it back to baseline. I would refuse to let go of concentration. I remained focused for far longer than I've ever been able to do before. It's as if my attention span grew 100x larger than when I'm sober. I was purely focused, and wouldn't zone out at all as I do all the time in my sober life, but this trip is much different than the DXM or Marijuana I'm used to taking/smoking. It was powerful, so powerful that all my beliefs were changing. I was turning into a different person; I was reforming my entire thought process/pattern, and I was learning to let go, and to move on, and to become a changed person. It was so overwhelming, and I began to feel lonely. I just had to talk to someone, so I opened up my instant messenger, and I began to talk with someone I barely knew. I felt like I could tell him anything. There was no need to hold back. I told him how I felt, about how I'm tripping, and began to realize how much I love the woman in my life. Maria; she's the most beautiful person in the entire world to me. I love her with all my heart, and I'm so happy I have the chance on being loved by her, and living with her inside of my life. I began realizing what love is again. For once in my life I'm finally capable of love. I can feel it in my heart. I forgot how to feel this feeling; I forgot what love was. It became so distant in my life that I felt I'd never discover it again; but, here it is. It's such an amazing feeling. It feels so good, and it warms my entire body up, it tickles, it feels smooth, and very good. I want to gain the control to love people. I just know that if I can love people again that I'd be able to do things for people again. All I've been thinking about is myself for so many years. I forgot how to care about others, how to take care of others, how to help them when they're down, how to show them love, care, compassion and companionship. I feel as if I could learn to love again; my entire life will change for the better. I'll finally be able to move on, and become the person I'm dying to be. I love you so much Maria, and if you're reading this know that I'm sorry I'm not the person you deserve; I'm trying to change for you, but it's the hardest challenge I've ever faced in my entire life. It's so hard that it hurts sometimes, and I'm trying my best to change myself for you, and I really hope that I'll succeed one of these days. You deserve to have so much better than what I give you. I just hope that I can change, and hopefully it's for the better.
As I sat there on my computer chair, and slowly gained existence back I began to realize that an old friend was online that I haven't talked to for years. I began typing GREG?! OMG, IS THAT REALLY YOU?! WOW, I MISSED YOU SO MUCH! The conversation was so loving, and caring; I really did have a positive side to me resurfacing to my every existence. It's such an amazing feeling; being able to think positively again, and being able to feel positive emotions. This has really been the most self-discovering experience I've ever had in my life, and I'm amazed at the capabilities Dextromethorphan HBr has spiritually on the mind/body/heart/soul. It is definitely an amazing tool that should be used respectfully, and taken with care.
The trip lasted from 8:10 PM to 7:00 AM when I fell asleep.
Day 5:
I'm writing this report, and I'm going to spend the day reflecting back at what I've learned.
Conclusion:
This was definitely the most amazing break from reality I've ever had, and I've learned so many things from it. I'm glad I decided to spend my free time tripping, and its probably the start to what can be the biggest change in my life. I've learned so much from my voyage into eternity, and I'm so happy I'm capable of feeling positive emotions again. Hopefully this will last, and that it's not just after-effects that will only linger on for a short period of time. I'm truly amazed at what DXM is capable of, and I recommend it to anyone that is in search of answers on their existence. This is definitely the tool you'd want to be using.
Thanks for reading!
THE END
Body Weight = 140 lbs
Introduction:
I've been waiting for a moment where I'd have some alone time for quite awhile. I've been dying to try DXM out, and just knew I couldn't do that around my girlfriend. To my surprise; she has been planning a family reunion with her family where they'd meet up out of state for 5 days. I was very excited about this; because, the opportunity has finally come where I can search deep inside my mind for some answers. Throughout my life I've had very bad anxieties, I've been depressed, and life has felt so fake... so pointless to me. Thoughts of suicide have crossed my mind many times since I was a child. I hated life, and lived many miserable days... too many to even begin to fathom. Between my Dad getting divorced with my Mother when I was a kid, my Grandmother having a heart attack in front of me, and then dying a week later, my Aunt B dying from liver failure, and some form of brain damage, being brutally assaulted in the woods one evening by a large group of gangsters, my family always fighting when they get around each other, and so much shit that I've grown to hate inside of my life; shit that haunts me every day of my life. I just want to shut these memories the fuck out of my system, and move the hell on.
Drugs seem to be the only solution to temporary relief from this fucked up reality I call life. It's thanks to drugs that I'm probably not buried inside of a cemetery at this moment. Thanks to drugs; I've been able to see that there are parts of me that still appreciate life; parts of me that don't live inside of the past. These parts of me deep inside of my inner soul are what make me go on in life, and they keep me sane. That's right; drugs are what I resort to when I need to see the spiritual side of me; the good side that has a heart; as well as a consciousness. Every time I've gone to people for answers; all they give me is a bunch of nonsense, but I can't blame them. They have their own lives to worry about. They don't need to fix my problems, and that's what I have to do; by my self; period.
Day 1:
Ingested 2 bottles Adult Robitussin CoughGels equivalent to 600mg DXM
It all began when I woke up around 8:04 AM thanks to the dog barking to go to the bathroom. I walked her around the block, brought her home, and then I thought it'd be a great idea to finally give Dextromethorphan HBr another shot. I headed over to Wal-Mart, found two bottles of Robitussin Cough Gels, and then I purchased them for about $8.50 total. I headed home, and then I took all 40 liquid filled gelcaps totaling 600mg. I began playing Halo 3 on my Xbox 360. After about an hour all I was feeling was lots of euphoria and relaxation. I began wondering if this would even work; then I thought for a second... there's no way this is it; just be patient; the real trip will come soon. I had no idea how crazy the next 3-4 hours were going to get. I headed over to the kitchen, and I was beginning to feel loads of euphoria. I was thinking how amazing it is to get such a nice feeling for only eight dollars and fifty cents. I was like (WOW! This is the most amazing feeling ever!); then I paused, and I thought for a minute about the situation. I thought... there's got to be more to it than this! Boy oh boy was I right!
I headed upstairs to go read up some more trip reports on DXM. My motor skills were going shot, and I found it extremely difficult to walk in a straight line, and found it even more difficult to make it up the stairs. I sat down on my computer chair, and went straight to erowid.org to check for reports. It was extremely hard to stay still; my body was moving/swaying left to right over and over again. I felt completely intoxicated, and began to feel detached from myself. I began reading one of the reports, and I read that the guy was listening to music. I thought for a moment (why the hell am I not listening to music?); then I put on (Per) Version of a Truth by Mudvayne. The song was too much for me to handle. The screaming, the negativity... it was beginning to make me feel mad, and then I shut the song off; because, I began to feel terrified by it. I started feeling extremely fucked up, and I had to think quickly about what to do. I was losing my mind! I thought (LAY DOWN ON THE BED QUICKLY!); and, then I headed to the bed, and I dropped straight into it. I rested my head on the pillow, pulled the blanket over me, and began to lose all contact with my conscious mind. I was looking around at the room, and everything was bending all over the place. The entire room appeared to me as if I were looking through circus mirrors.
This is when things become insane...
I could feel this feeling all throughout my brain. I was losing control of my mind, and I started to feel completely dissociated from my body. I couldn't feel a thing! I was staring at this box in the closet, and for some reason it was scaring me. I stopped looking at it, and then my ego started to die. I wasn't me anymore for the next 2-3 hours. What I experienced during this time was so intense, so insane; I can't even put it into words! I was cycling through all kinds of thoughts. I began questioning my own existence! Who am I? Where am I? What am I? I had no answers anymore; yet for some reason... I felt like I knew the answers to these questions, and that sense of knowing made me feel content, and it kept me from panicking. My vision was completely to shit, and I couldn't comprehend anything at all; yet, for some reason everything made complete 100% sense to me. I felt like I knew everything, and yet as if I knew nothing. Next; I feel like I'm dying, and eventually as if I do die.
Things go blank for what seems like an eternity...
It felt like I didn't exist for an eternity, I was staring into a complete void for thousands of years. All of a sudden life strikes back into my heart, and I jump up to my knees gasping for air. I told myself to breath! (I don't know how long I held my breath, but it felt like I wasn't breathing for an eternity.) I started saying loudly (OH SHIT! OH SHIT! OH SHIT!); that's all I could think of for some reason. I felt completely mentally retarded. I began wondering if I was permanently brain dead do to a lack of oxygen in my brain from not breathing. I was completely immobile. I couldn't move; I couldn't feel my arms or my legs; I couldn't feel anything at all. I was having flash backs of the time I was at the hospital checking on my Aunt B before she died. She was suffering some form of brain damage, and couldn't talk/do anything but stare with her eyes. I began to feel as though I knew exactly what she was going through. I felt as though it was happening to me. My entire world was completely shattered and fucked up. Nothing made sense anymore. I kept asking myself if I'd ever be normal again, or if I'd be brain dead for the rest of my life. Then I thought; no way! I'm using my imagination too much; this is just a result to the DXM, and these effects have got to go away eventually.
I never knew DXM was such a wild drug. All this time I've been thinking it's just like any other drug I've done, but damn was I wrong. I've done Mushrooms, PCP, Peyote, Morning Glory, Opiates, SSRIs, Alcohol, Marijuana, Benadryl, Dramamine, Datura, Nutmeg, Marijuana laced with Embalming Fluid (we called it "wet"), MDMA etc... and I've got to tell you; my last encounter with DXM has been by far the most intense experience I've ever had. Not to say that most of the drugs I've listed cannot give me an even more intense experience than my DXM one; because, they definitely can if I tried larger dosages of them. I'm just saying that I did not expect that trip to be so insane. It was as if I kept dying, and then each time I came back to life I was gasping for air, and it felt so great to know that I was still alive. During my voyage into eternity I felt as though I was floating through time. I was living in the future, the past, the present; shit, I was even living inside of the universe. I was one with everything that exists. It felt as though everything was the same, and there was no explanation to anything. Things are what they are, and that's all there is to it. There is no answer to existence; we are what we are; the universe, and everything in it is just here. There is no reason for anything. Just appreciate what I have; because, one day; when I die... I may never exist again.
I was thinking about so much more than just my own existence. I was thinking through the minds of other people. It felt as if my soul was forging into other beings. I was having conversations with other people in different dimensions of time. I was living multiple different lives, and this wasn't the only one. I thought that maybe if I die; my consciousness will shift to another life. It really did appear to me that reincarnation really does exist. I thought about killing myself a few times, but then I thought as if that were a very dumb idea. Live the life I have, and one day when I die... I'll get my answer.
I remember what this feeling was like. The feeling of regaining my own existence. I woke back up to reality, and I was searching for who I was, and then it was the most amazing feeling ever. I felt as if I were reborn back inside of my body/mind. I kept thinking (rebirth, rebirth, rebirth, rebirth...), and that was exactly what it felt like. I was staring around the room. Everything I looked at didn't click inside of my head. My vision was completely blurred to hell. I was almost completely blind. I couldn't feel my own body. I tried my hardest to get up, and make it to my computer chair. It wasn't easy; my body was completely numb, but I eventually made it. I sat there staring at my computer screen, and then it happened again... I died, and was completely lost inside of my head again. I was staring at my computer screen, touching the images on it; feeling them... it felt as if I could crawl through my screen, and travel into a new dimension of existence; yet, I for some reason just knew that I couldn't do that. It just felt as if I had the capability to do it; I just didn't know how to do it. I regained consciousness, and I crawled back into my bed. I laid down for another hour or so slowly gaining control over my mind. I kept thinking how I couldn't wait to regain control of myself. I wanted to get up so badly, but knew I couldn't. So I just chilled there... in my bed... patiently waiting for the numbness in my body to go away.
I learned so much from this experience, and for those of you thinking about trying DXM... do not take this drug as lightly as I did. Expect to have the biggest mind fuck you can ever imagine. This was surely the most fucked up experience I've ever had in my life, and it got me questioning the existence of myself and everything in the world I live in.
Day 2:
Ingested 1 bottle Adult Robitussin Cough equivalent to 354mg DXM & 1.4% Alcohol
Smoked 1 bowl pack Marijuana
I had the most amazing time a man could ever ask for. The trip seriously lasted from 4:45 PM to about 2:40 AM when I went to sleep. The amount of thinking I've done, the open/closed eye visuals, the bazaar/realistic moments I've had where insanity felt absolutely wonderful; oh my God; I had such an awesome time. I remember laying down in the darkness, and I was looking at the computer/modem lights, and they appeared to me as monsters. Unlike the Dramamine delusions though; I could absolutely tell these creatures weren't real, but it was so hilarious looking at them. I kept pointing my finger up at the monsters laughing at their faces. (HA HA HA HA HA!) L.O.L! I was soaring through multiple different time dimensions. It was as if I was traveling through time; exploring all different moments in my past, and in my future. I was SO fucked up last night, but I didn't even CARE. It felt so amazing, and I kept smoking weed with my trip intensifying it dramatically. I wanted to get more, and more fucked up. It felt so good to completely lose my mind, and become a completely different person. I welcomed this new me inside of my body, and I loved how he thought, and how he viewed everything. I was completely comfortable with letting the old me go, and the new me take over. I was in love with this new me. I wanted to be this way for the rest of my life.
I was laying down in bed; drifting off into a very dark space of mutliple flashing lights in an eternal span of darkness, and I felt completely at peace with myself. I felt so happy to be alive, so good to exist, and I just loved everything about my existence. There's just no other feeling on earth that can compare to the amount of peace I felt within my heart and soul. I began thinking about Sasha (the dog), and how she might be bored and lonely. I thought she would love a long walk full of plenty of exercise and exploration. I used every ounce of will-power within my body/mind to get out of bed, and to get my shoes on. I went downstairs, grabbed the leash, and said come here Sasha; let's go for a walk! I put the leash on her, and took her out for a very long walk. We were walking for what seemed an eternity. We walked down roads I've never been on, through woods I've never known were there, down alleyways I'd normally be too scared to walk through at night, and in environments that would normally be uncomfortable for me; yet, I absolutely didn't care. I was free; free from fear, free from negativity; I was 100% positive, and felt like I could do anything I wanted, and nothing could hold me back. As I was walking her I felt completely detached from reality. Most of the time I didn't even know where I was; I just knew/had this sense to keep walking forward. I knew that I wouldn't get lost, and that my heart would always lead me back to the place it knows best; home.
As we were walking through a grass field I felt completely in touch with nature, the wind on my face, the sound of the grass being blown across the floor, the trees moving to the wind. It felt as if I could sense each and every piece of plant matter moving all at once; as if I was completely in touch with every single little thing that existed within my atmosphere. It was enlightening, and felt very spiritual. The humidity in the air felt like a god send. The heat felt so good on my body mixed with the lovely breeze ever so gently brushing across my clothes and skin. It was completely orgasmic in every way imaginable. I could hear Sasha's breath crystal clear. It was fast, but in an excited kind of way. I could tell she was really happy, and was having a really good time. I've begun to know exactly what it's like to love life, and it felt absolutely beautiful. I'll never forget how amazing that feeling was. It was one of the most spiritual moments in my life that I'll be grateful for until the day I die.
Day 3:
Ingested 1 tube Dramamine equivalent to 600mg of Dimenhydrinate
Smoked 1 bowl pack Marijuana
About 50 minutes after ingestion of the 12 50mg tablets I began to feel very paranoid, and things were starting to melt. It was as if the room was made out of candle wax, and heat was melting it. Just like during my 600mg Benadryl experience (took place a while back); I also gained a rather large fever, and my body was burning up really bad all day/night. The bug hallucinations were even worse than previously. The spiders this time were half the size of my fist, and it appeared as if twice the amount of bugs were crawling all across my skin. Halfway through a sentence within my thoughts I'd forget about what I was thinking of. My short-term memory was suffering majorly, and I couldn't remember anything that happened 30 seconds prior to the moments I'd try to reflect backwards. I was living inside of a new world. I lost all contact with reality, and slowly drifted into a very deep/surreal world of delusions. My imagination was so powerful that I could think about anything I wanted, and then I could create it, and place it anywhere in reality. I tried testing this ability out several times. I could make my girlfriend show up; sitting on my computer chair. All communication with my delusions took place telepathically, because, the cotton mouth I was experiencing was so severe; even if I wanted to talk I most likely couldn't do so. The fever was very painful, and I was sweating massively. I had a glass full of Pepsi with ice next to me at all times. All motor-skills were completely shot, and I could barely walk. Walking took a lot of concentration; otherwise, I most likely would have fell head first into the ground. My body was numb, and I could hardly feel anything I touched. Time was slowed down SO much that one hour felt like an entire day. I smoked some weed during my Dramamine trip, but all it did was enhance the Dramamine effects, and made them feel a lot stronger. I tried to evacuate the trip by sticking my finger down my throat to try and force myself to vomit. I tried over and over with no results. Then the light bulb moment happened (DING!). I realized that I couldn't vomit because, Dramamine is an anti-vomit drug. DUH! I felt like a moron! So I thought that I'm just gonna have to last this trip out, and there's nothing I can do about it. I could feel a very angry presence within my heart. It felt as if I didn't care about anything at all. Nothing/no-one mattered to me anymore. The amount of audio delusions I experienced were out of this world. Throughout the entire trip I would hear constant chatter from random people, lots of noises like wind, popping, whispers, moans, footsteps, creaking, thumping, pounding, crashes, horns, static, and so much more. My computer screen looked as if there were worms under the images swimming around.
It was a very painful experience, and I don't think I'll be trying Dramamine recreationally again for a very long time. I believe it's mainly a result to the cotton mouth tasting so horrible. The cotton mouth tasted so disgusting that I can still taste that horrible taste inside of my mouth. It tastes very dull/bitter, and it lingers constantly inside of my taste-buds. This trip was a disaster, and it taught me a valuable lesson. NEVER fuck with Dramamine again unless I'm prepared for what can be the worst experience in my life; because, this trip was so bad; I think I'd rather die than go through it again. It truly was a giant shift from the day before. Going from the best time in my life to the worse time in my life felt so horrible. My heart cried out in pain, and I was left with a very angry mindset/mood for the next 12-15 hours. I began feeling hate, aggravation, paranoia, envy, guilt, rage, irritability, impatience, and all kinds of negative emotions. I felt this way even after the trip was over. It fucking sucked miserably. I'd advise anyone to stay away from Dramamine. It's just not worth it.
Day 4:
Ingested 1 bottle Adult Robitussin Cough equivalent to 354mg DXM & 1.4% Alcohol
Smoked 1 bowl pack Marijuana
I woke up around 1-2 PM, and this time I knew for sure that I'd like to start my trip while it's dark out. I patiently waited until about 7:30 PM which is when I dosed. After about 40 minutes I began feeling the effects taking over; they were overwhelming, and were coming on much harder than previously. I knew I was in for a ride this time. I got off my computer, went to lay down on the bed, put my head on my pillow, pulled the blanket over my body, and then curled up into a ball, and I began rocking myself back and forth. My nerves were really stimulated beyond control, and I just had the constant urge to be moving my body. As the effects take over stronger and stronger; the sun is also going down more and more. It appeared to me as if the planet was dying, and all life was beginning to fade away into nothingness. For some reason it felt good though; finally I can rest in peace; finally all worry can leave, and I can drift off into an eternal slumber of peace and serenity. I welcomed this ever growing darkness, and I cherished it, praised it, and wished it would come faster. It didn't seem as if the light was leaving; which is technically what is happening... it appeared to me as if the darkness was coming in. It really seemed as if darkness were matter, and it was coming into my world. I could see it as if it were water, or any other form of matter. I wanted more darkness to come; darkness was the answer to all my pain; it was my salvation.
At this point I'm beginning to become so dissociated from my mind/body that it's extremely difficult to recall what goes on next, but I'll try to do my best here. I experienced another ego death as what happened during day 1. I lost all contact with myself, and I felt as though I had died. My soul was traveling in a void of nothingness, and it was searching for answers. It was seeking to discover its purpose. Why does it exist? What is it doing floating in this ever expansive dark void of nothingness? My soul wanted to know what the hell is going on! I lost all contact with my body, and with the outer world. I was trapped in these plains, or these separate worlds that didn't even know what the reality us human beings live in is. As far as my soul was concerned; it didn't have a body, it didn't have a purpose, it didn't have life, and all of my memories of my existence faded into nothing. I completely forgot about earth, about life, about humans, about the ones I love, I forgot about everything. I truly was dead this time it seemed. It really did take me an eternity to find this dimension we live in, and to get back inside of my body. I was wondering when am I going to come back?! It seemed like eternity, never ending, omg it really did take me light years to come back to this dimension. It took me every single drop of soul to keep myself from having a psychotic breakdown, and from never being able to function normally again. I was flying through different worlds searching for the one I live in. Every dimension I traveled to appeared to be a different place in time. It was as if I relived my entire life over from birth to the present. All memories of my entire life cycled through this black void I was flying through. It was a never ending movie; that for some reason just wouldn't end. It literally felt like I was stuck in the black void longer than I've lived life on this planet. I'd say it was the equivalent to about 500-1000 years. It was definitely way longer than the 22 years I've been living for.
I very faintly remember what was going on. I was cycling through each year in my life one by one. Reflecting as to what happened during the year. My soul could tap into my memory bank, and pull out memories I lost all contact with. It was fucking astonishing. There's nothing like it; I felt like a God. When I finally came to the present after an eternity of cycling through my life; I realized that I was fucked up out of my mind. I got up to my knees, crawling off of the bed, struggling to get my shoes on, and I crawled downstairs. I opened the door, went outside, and crawled over by the bushes, and just sat there on the pavement. I was staring all around me at everything. I was staring at the trees, the sky, the clouds, the full moon which was absolutely beautiful, I was staring at the cars, the houses, the road, the lights, and I was trying my hardest to make sense out of everything around me. It took me over an hour to know that I was outside sitting on the sidewalk trying to make sense out of the world I live in. It was truly a very enlightening moment, and to this day forward; I will definitely keep in mind that the planet I live on is the most beautiful place ever. If there is a God; thank you for giving me a chance to live, thank you so much for allowing me to see the beauty you've offered me; I'll forever be appreciative for this wonderful opportunity to actually exist, and to mean something. I never believed in souls, or in spirits, but after this experience; I definitely believe there's a soul inside of me, and I want to learn more about it. Back to the trip; I was staring off into the trees, thinking about endless things like meaning, existence, discovery, peace, love, compassion, care, appreciation, exploration, and so many beautifully positive emotions and beliefs.
I came back into the house, and I knew I was ready to smoke some weed. I went upstairs, and I smoked my last bowl pack. WHOA, after smoking the weed I was soaring even further into a massive trip that was far more eternal, far more bizarre, far more intense than the actual peak of the trip. It was as if I hit some different plateau of effects I've never experienced yet. It was scary as hell, and I was sitting on my computer chair wondering about all kinds of things. Why am I such a miserable person? Why am I always depressed? Why am I always so anxious? Why do I hate people? Why can't I just learn to appreciate life? Then I changed my entire chain of beliefs, and everything about me was forever changed, but then I thought no way; after I come back to baseline; I may return to my normal self. I made a mental note to never let go, to hold on to these new beliefs until I'd make it back to baseline. I would refuse to let go of concentration. I remained focused for far longer than I've ever been able to do before. It's as if my attention span grew 100x larger than when I'm sober. I was purely focused, and wouldn't zone out at all as I do all the time in my sober life, but this trip is much different than the DXM or Marijuana I'm used to taking/smoking. It was powerful, so powerful that all my beliefs were changing. I was turning into a different person; I was reforming my entire thought process/pattern, and I was learning to let go, and to move on, and to become a changed person. It was so overwhelming, and I began to feel lonely. I just had to talk to someone, so I opened up my instant messenger, and I began to talk with someone I barely knew. I felt like I could tell him anything. There was no need to hold back. I told him how I felt, about how I'm tripping, and began to realize how much I love the woman in my life. Maria; she's the most beautiful person in the entire world to me. I love her with all my heart, and I'm so happy I have the chance on being loved by her, and living with her inside of my life. I began realizing what love is again. For once in my life I'm finally capable of love. I can feel it in my heart. I forgot how to feel this feeling; I forgot what love was. It became so distant in my life that I felt I'd never discover it again; but, here it is. It's such an amazing feeling. It feels so good, and it warms my entire body up, it tickles, it feels smooth, and very good. I want to gain the control to love people. I just know that if I can love people again that I'd be able to do things for people again. All I've been thinking about is myself for so many years. I forgot how to care about others, how to take care of others, how to help them when they're down, how to show them love, care, compassion and companionship. I feel as if I could learn to love again; my entire life will change for the better. I'll finally be able to move on, and become the person I'm dying to be. I love you so much Maria, and if you're reading this know that I'm sorry I'm not the person you deserve; I'm trying to change for you, but it's the hardest challenge I've ever faced in my entire life. It's so hard that it hurts sometimes, and I'm trying my best to change myself for you, and I really hope that I'll succeed one of these days. You deserve to have so much better than what I give you. I just hope that I can change, and hopefully it's for the better.
As I sat there on my computer chair, and slowly gained existence back I began to realize that an old friend was online that I haven't talked to for years. I began typing GREG?! OMG, IS THAT REALLY YOU?! WOW, I MISSED YOU SO MUCH! The conversation was so loving, and caring; I really did have a positive side to me resurfacing to my every existence. It's such an amazing feeling; being able to think positively again, and being able to feel positive emotions. This has really been the most self-discovering experience I've ever had in my life, and I'm amazed at the capabilities Dextromethorphan HBr has spiritually on the mind/body/heart/soul. It is definitely an amazing tool that should be used respectfully, and taken with care.
The trip lasted from 8:10 PM to 7:00 AM when I fell asleep.
Day 5:
I'm writing this report, and I'm going to spend the day reflecting back at what I've learned.
Conclusion:
This was definitely the most amazing break from reality I've ever had, and I've learned so many things from it. I'm glad I decided to spend my free time tripping, and its probably the start to what can be the biggest change in my life. I've learned so much from my voyage into eternity, and I'm so happy I'm capable of feeling positive emotions again. Hopefully this will last, and that it's not just after-effects that will only linger on for a short period of time. I'm truly amazed at what DXM is capable of, and I recommend it to anyone that is in search of answers on their existence. This is definitely the tool you'd want to be using.
Thanks for reading!
THE END
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Fuck causing lesions in your brain, that shit is porven man, move onto smashing some fat lines of K, you dont know nothing of ego-loss yet 
Peace.