drugs, drug court, hearing voices...

[Frank Lucas]

When I had a happy and fulfilling life, every drug I did made me feel good. I was in a loving 5 year relationship with 2 awesome kids, a nice car, and a nice apartment.

Now, it's 2009 and I have not spoken to the love of my life in over 6 months. Seeing my children on Sundays is a torturous reminder of how carefree and happy life used to be.

I have to call my probation officer 3X a day at 9AM, 6PM and 10PM. I go to out patient 2X week. I go to AA meetings 7X a week. I get drug tested 3X a week. I pay $100 a week in fines. I pay $100 a week in child support. I make $200 a week. I don't have a drivers license, and even when I get it back, I won't be able to afford insurance. I feel like a hamster in a wheel.

Now, every time I've dabbled with something since September 24, 2008 (the last day I smoked weed, the last illegal drug I let go of), I've had difficult experiences. When I smoked Spice and Zohai (something I had enjoyed in the past), I got panic attacks. The last time was the worst, with the Suboxone 2 weeks ago. I was sitting in a chair with my eyes closed and my head down as I felt really sick from it. Then the voices started - and I've never a voice before in my life. Voices telling me what a terrible waste I was and to kill myself. They were loud and distant at the same time. They all sounded the same, but they spoke so fast and with a timbre that sounded like no human voice and nothing like my normal internal dialog. I say "voices" because even though they all sounded the same, there were many speaking at once. It was terrifying as I had no contol over them except to shake my head and try to keep my eyes open. I thought of an episode of some documetary where the demon told the exorcist to call him "legion, for we are many." That was fucked up. All from taking a fucking suboxone. So yeah, don't do drugs if you're disturbed in any way. The one I did isn't something I consider remotely psychedelic, and those were most severe psychotic symptoms I ever experienced.

I wonder if this is why some people lose their minds taking drugs. I could never grasp how that happened, but I think I know now. I feel like life just sucks too much right now to enjoy any drug, even an opiate. I think. I guess. It was just a wierd experience, thanks for reading.

 

[Seanmi]

I think we both know what the voices were. Your gonna be ok Brother, Ill be praying for you, Lifes gonna get better.

 

[Frank Lucas]

Thanks Sean, I'm feeling a little better now - I just got something in the mail saying I'm approved for unemployment since I'm only working part time. I forgot that I even filed - it's going to be for about $100/wk over and above what I make now. What a blessing this is. This will really help until I start getting more hours at work. Oh, 5:45 EST, time to call that PO... oh well, better to deal with a PO than a CO...

 

[wungchow]

I went to (court-mandated) AA meetings for a year and it REALLY fucked with my head when I used a couple times during that period. I smoked some Spice Gold on a few occasions and it really truly screwed with my well-being. I hate to say it, but AA kind of puts you in a "one-track" frame of mind.

 

[Frank Lucas]

Yeah, I know what you mean. I totally know what you mean. I haven't exactly been an angel - I took HBW once, I drank 2 times, smoked spice-a-likes 2 times, and took suboxone recreationally for 3 days. Those were the most miserable days I've had in the last 5 months. I'm going to stay clean for the next 2 years that this is court-mandated. I'm going to work the steps with my sponsor, because that's what feels comfortable for me given the circumstances. If I still want to dabble after doing all that, I will. Who knows how I'll feel in 2 years or where I'll be. For today, though, sober is wayyyy easier.

 

[SilverFeniks]

I can't exactly relate .. But after years of loving my booze (not a DoC mind you, just a replacement), I can't handle more than 2 beers without feeling like absolute sh*t, physical and mental.

Treat it like the blessing it is - you have enough on your plate and definately are motivated to stay legit (if only to keep out of trouble); no use risking your fragile existence chasing a high that will just make you feel worse.

 

[BadHabbit]

Man i feel you on the love of your life thing and the kid thing... i was divorced a couple years ago, havent spoken to my exwife in 18 months plus and i have my son almost full time so I have a constant reminder of her... and while i hate who she has become, I miss who she was... things get better though bro... and ALWAYS better a PO then a CO i dig... lol who fucking hates them bars more then someone whos already been there? someone whos there now! anyway if you need to talk theres the pm and a telephone just hit me up later...

 

[InTherapy82]

When life feel shitty just think about your kids. I'm sure your wife wants you to get your life on track so u r there for them. U'll always be the father of her children and that means a lot to a woman.

Sobriety is a good thing and sometimes we need a lot of outside pressure to get back on track. THe longer u'll stay sober the better your life will be and eventually you'll get ur family back.

I myself am recovering from a heroin addiction so I know what fucking up your life means. I lost the respect of my mother in law who used to like me a lot. She pressured my husband to leave me, good thing he didn't listen. We were both using and started together but she blamed it all on me. IT's hard. I lost my well paying job to heroin and I'm facing so much shit. But life is much better than when I was using and I know it will continue to get better just like it will for you.

 

[brian-amp]

I'm on three years probation. And 8 months clean from an 11 year crack addiction starting at 17 years of age. I refuse to drink alcohol or use DXM. I don't have any friends. I need to get friends before I can use and have fun doing it. I'm on ssi for a learning disability and recieve money from hud. And I know my limitations. I have a free pass to the YMCA, and I think that will help.

 

[baby boy]

mate we all have our ups and downs i know what you mean about having a break from things and then when you have a dable again it affects you completly differently and not in a good way mate take the hard road stay clean work hard and long to get away from all the shit you are into ,probation ,no licence,lost women and kids you will get it all back if you keep focused and work hard trust me we have all been down and you have many years to live to get it all back.....

 

[spaceyourbass]

Take everyone elses advice, but I'd like to know more about the voices. Hearing voices like that is common for schizophrenics. Keep in mind that a person can go about his whole life normally, then schizophrenia will manifest itself all of the sudden. If you hear voices like tha again tell a doctor. I wouldn't be worried about it if it happened after a couple days of sleeplessness, but I've never heard of suboxone causing hallucinations. There are basically three types of schizos - ones that get treated once and are fine forever, ones that spend a lot of time normal and a lot of time with the disorder, and ones that suffer from it their whole lives. Bottom line is that if you hear more voices, tell a doctor or psychologist.
Are you sure you weren't experiencig sleep paralysis, in which your body and mind are halfway between sleep and awake? I've heard similar voices in sleep paralysis, usually after taking some opiate.

 

[thestranger]

I think you are taking everything for granted. Atleast you have visitation rites, and atleast you are alive. YOU HAVE A JOB.

I am on felony probation, I have $3,000 in fines for one case, $400 for another, and thats not counting the $5,000 debt I owe to various businesses.

I know the feeling of being in a hamster wheel, I called it the Loop. Everything seemed the same and I felt like it was horrible. Then I quit my job, started using drugs all day long, started doing illegal things to fund my drug habit, fucked my family over, fucked my friends over. I didnt give a shit. But eventually it all caught up to me and I almost went to prison. I still could go to prison, but I hope and pray that it doesnt.

There are no jobs in sight where I live, and it sucks. But luckily my PO is an okay guy and has put my fine payments on hold. I too have to go to AA meetings everyday of the week. But hey, atleast I dont have to go to multiple meetings a day, I know people that do. But it really aint that bad, its fun. I dont really see why people have a problem with AA or NA for that matter. If you dont want to get clean but have to go to meetings, my advice is to just go to the meetings, and see it as a social event, just listen to people tell their bullshit stories, and then get out. But hopefully maybe you will want to get clean.

 

[thestranger]

and my advice about dabbling. Just fuckin stay clean for you whole duration of your probation, or somehow get a script for painkillers or suboxone.

cuz really, is it worth it to use once then go to prison, or is it more worth it to stay clean for the duration of your probation, and then use as much as you want?

Use once and go to prison, or wait and use many times?

 

[Frank Lucas]

I appreciate the words of wisdom. I'm doing better now. The suboxone thing was a stupid experiment. I don't know what the deal was with the voices, but I think it was as someone said, I was barely awake, but totally unable to sleep. I believe I took some doxylamine to help with the itch, so maybe I was a bit delirious too. Just to clarify, I only get tested for morphine/heroin, cocaine, meth, benzos and thc. As I said, suboxone is not a drug that will cause a positive. I really would've needed a blunt or 3 to enjoy that shit, and that's out of the question. Like I said, I'm going to completely abstain until my 2 years of drug court is over, and then depending on where I am in life, I will either go back to smoking weed or I won't.

 

[asplinteredfawn]

I've noticed when being on both Methadone and Suboxone for more than a week straight I start to develop mild to moderate psychosis. Mostly hearing voices, and when mixing with stimulants I get visuals sometimes. I take Abilify to counter act the voices, and it works with some moderate effect. But to get them to stop completely I have to stop the daily long acting opiates. This doesn't happen with heroin or any short acting opiate. Anyone else have a similar story?

 

[hyroller]

Wow - I admire your resilience... I can't imagine how difficult it would be having to live life with so many constraints. hang in there, it doesn't sound like it can get any worse, if that's any kind of relief....?

 

[OpiYum]

(to above poster)
wtf it can get so much worse? uh, permanent injury, death, homelessness, no communication, zero money, long term prison sentence, no job, no computer, no internet connection, no access to talking to people, just to name a few...

However, I agree, he is doing pretty good. Thank G-d this seems like his "bottom" to motivate him to stop and he seems like he can.

It's good to be prepared...so If OP changes mind about sobriety (which can happen, I hope not for him), I agree w/ previous poster to stick to getting legitimate scripts, but may I add, RCs not on drug screen, or else, stay strapped w/fake piss to fake dick!