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Drugs are such an effective BONDING agent...

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belfort

Bluelighter
Joined
Nov 2, 2005
Messages
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i never really fully noticed this until i got sober but drugs, whether it is smoking cigs, weed, drinking or any of the others are such an effective thing to bond with people over..even if you have not much in common with another person but you both like to drink, 'Hey lets go the bar!'..same goes for weed, simply put, if you and someone else like smoking weed, instant way to bond and others join the crowd...u have an instant group of 'friends'..that is, until you stop taking the drugs lol...i noticed when sober even if i go to play a game of basketball, event hough me and the other guys obviously like basketball, it doesnt mean a bond will form over it as our personalities might not mesh...with drugs, its not like that, your personalities dont have to mesh, you get high and u ramble and laugh and it doesnt matter because u are high!this has been a constant stumbling block for me in trying to get sober, most people i know get high or drink or are so busy with their families that they dont have much time..me being in my 30s doesnt help matters..ive tried NA meetings and it seemed many people there were so addicted to the meetings that it was their life..that turned me off tbh..i just now realize that so many of my friendships i developed thru my teens and 20s were due to drugs but now sober, its an entirely different ballgame..

anyone else find this out?i mean, people act as if you go to these meetings or go to meetup and u just instantly meet and click with people and all is easy but its not like that at all for me....
 
It's tough, there is no doubt about it. When you are young and in school the possibilities are always there. As you get older, unless you have a job that somehow fosters community (and most don't) it can be really easy to get isolated. I remember asking my son one time if there were any people at his work (a restaurant with its own bar) that did not drink because I noticed that's what everyone there did to socialize. He said he had never even thought about this one guy that he assumed was shy. Maybe he just couldn't go to the bars after work? I was always a non-drinker with a bunch of drinking friends and it never bothered me but then again I wasn't struggling with dependence issues. I can't really offer any advice other than to keep looking for new avenues to connect you with people around an interest (a community class, a reading or study group, political action, community volunteer, etc). The other suggestion I have is to try different meetings. When my younger son was forced by the courts to go to a meeting a day he went to different ones all over town until he found one that was the best fit for him (non-judgmental, diverse and younger).
 
If you want to stay sober (and not all of us do), then you'll probably have to quit hanging around your using friends. It's not an easy thing to do.
 
belfort said:
Ive tried NA meetings and it seemed many people there were so addicted to the meetings that it was their life..that turned me off tbh..i just now realize that so many of my friendships i developed thru my teens and 20s were due to drugs but now sober, its an entirely different ballgame..
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So then find the ones that are not. People in NA believe that it is a life and death matter for them to attend. I have more true friends now then I ever did before and I meet most of them via NA. Going to meetings is something we do, but we do lots of all things. I'd encourage you to give it another try and go in trying to find the similarities you have with others. Try hard not to judge, everyone is different. Some people need more meetings then others, some people really literally have nothing except for NA. That is okay, its better then using IMO.

Anyways, I recognized you from other threads, including that infamous phenibut thread on mindandmuscle ... I know you have been struggling for awhile. Help is out there.
 
Dresden said:
If you want to stay sober (and not all of us do), then you'll probably have to quit hanging around your using friends. It's not an easy thing to do.
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as stated, i have already cut them off and that is the point of this thread, the absurd amount of people that use some form of drugs, whether its alcohol or weed is very high so finding sober friends that you actually bond with is very hard...i even went to dave & busters the other night for a nephews bday party and many were drinking there, having a good old time and im sitting there pretending im enjoying it...ugghh..

its just i remember with drugs, if you and another person smoked weed, instant bond/connection there..u sit there and get high...im in a basketball league now, and there is no instant bonding, your personalities have to mesh..
 
I don't know where you live Belfort, but I have moved around a lot in my life (which has made me always the new person that knows no one) and I have found that different places seem to be more open than others culturally. Then again, I'm a lot older and my moves were all before people lived through their screen selves so maybe this is different. But speaking of the internet there is meetup.com that offers opportunities for being with a group not focused on dating but instead around a group of people that like to do the same things (hiking, films, etc).

I think when you get right down to it it is a mindset inside yourself. You recognize that something has been given up (drugs can be a good bonding agent) and yet you also recognize that you gave it up for important and valid reasons; so you make adaptations. One adaptation may be to become the person that puts others at ease in casual social situations. That takes the focus off of you and draws others to you at the same time. Win/win.
 
i too have problems with this... it really, really sucks. it's SO easy to make friends sharing a joint, over a few beers or anything really. i'm thinking of trying to stay away from drugs now and i realize that doing drugs with other people is the only way i know how to bond with other people. so annoying
 
I believe the friends you make when you are using drugs become your family, except that it´s not real, unless you try to be sober.
Everyone is struggling to quit and that creates a special bond IMO.
Unfortunately you have to built another family when you are sober and it is difficult indeed.
The friends you make now when you are sober are so much more truthful and loyal IME.

When we are using, the 'artificial' joy make us easy going and definitely different from who we actually are.
If you want real friends I guess you have to try harder, starting by changing your 'family'. Because it´s very hard to be sober hanging out with people who are happily baked, so to speak.
I agree that you need to make an extra effort by going to different meetings. But it´s worth it.
If that does not help you will always have BL to help you with issues like that.:)
 
Sobriety can be equally bonding. I remember when I first got sober. I was super surprised how many like minded people were around wanting to communicate and socialize. You just have to put yourself in the right circles
 
I'm 29 and been a junkie my whole life... been clean a little over a month (off subs a week). I have a total of 2 sober friends I don't have to cut out of my life and both are not close friends. My girlfriend of 3 years even up and moved out few days before I quit and is who knows where doing what. I was upset since quiting, but now realize I had NOTHING in common with her (as well as many of my friends) except for the fact that we used. Every day was getting money and coping drugs.

I'm looking forward to the future, but feel like I need to learn to live all over again and get hobbies and make new friends and find ways to deal with this INSANE boredom.

I really like the idea of NA meetings, I have yet to go to any, but I am going to give it a shot. Found tons near me. Many at churches which is a little weird for me, but maybe a good thing.
 
^Boredom is one of the biggest triggers for people whether their addiction is to drugs or they have eating issues or spending issues. Dealing with your relationship to boredom will be one of the healthiest things you ever do for yourself. It is a complicated thing so be patient and give yourself permission to explore all sorts of new angles. Some people need adrenaline producing activities to not feel bored, others need creative outlets, some need human connection and intimacy and most of us like a combination of all of those. It's a matter of getting to know yourself and what you need. Sometimes, too, it can be easy to mistake boredom for discomfort in being with ourselves. Getting comfortable and self-sufficient emotionally goes a long way towards curing boredom.<3

P.S. If you are not religious but you live in a very religious part of the country it can be hard to find AA meetings that are truly welcoming of a secular approach. If this gets to you, you can always try SMART recovery online.
 
I think you hit the nail on the head... have to figure out who we are. Now that are no longer bonding by addiction we have to know and be comfortable with ourselves, something i still havent figured out yet.

Laying around suffering through boredom is my biggest trigger for relapse.

I am not religious but most meetings for NA around here are in churches. I'm not opposed to religion maybe it can be a new thing to try. Never really gave religion a shot.

The are no smart meetings by me closest is very far or patients/inmates only but I still will check out the online meetings.
 
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That was some real stuff you said herb... Got me thinking.

Its easy to get high when youre bored cuz its always/almost always fun. It all boils down to finding new activities we enjoy i guess, and then bond with likeminded people
 
I find recovery to be much more bonding then drugs at this point. I'd urge you to try some different meetings, some people seem "addicted" to meetings sure... but there is a difference between going to tons of meetings at 60 days vs 1-5 years. For most of us, it settles into threeish a week. Thats like what 4 1/2 hours a week? Not that much really. Narcotics Anonymous encourages people to branch out beyond NA. Essentially, its viewed as a process of learning how to live. The rooms tend to be more forgiving then the outside world and its safer to make mistakes there.

Some people just get stuck in NA and so be it, better then using. Most do not however.

I still have some genuine friends that I used with but that is because I was friends with them before. I am much closer to my NA friends nowadays and our relationship is much healthier. I also met my girlfriend in NA and its the healthiest romantic relationship I have been in ever (I hardly had any when I was using at all).
 
justwannabefree said:
I think you hit the nail on the head... have to figure out who we are. Now that are no longer bonding by addiction we have to know and be comfortable with ourselves, something i still havent figured out yet.

Laying around suffering through boredom is my biggest trigger for relapse.

I am not religious but most meetings for NA around here are in churches. I'm not opposed to religion maybe it can be a new thing to try. Never really gave religion a shot.

The are no smart meetings by me closest is very far or patients/inmates only but I still will check out the online meetings.
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Narcotics Anonymous has a distinct policy of not being allied in any way to the location of its meetings. The location in which the meeting is held has no say whatsoever in the meeting and what goes on there. This is an absolute must for any meeting, they cannot recognize any outside authority. Its almost an anarchist like organization. They are completely separate entities from both other meetings and the locations in which they are held.

Meetings that are in churches are often there because the rent is super cheap. NA is self-funded so it doesn't pull in much money (addicts do not tend to have very much of it lol).

Narcotics Anonymous is not religious at all, it emphasizes this constantly. It is "spiritual but not religious".

I am not a religious person at all and am far from a Christian but I am a member of NA and it has worked for me for at least these last 10 months. Feel free to reach out to me if you have any more questions.
 
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