Drugs and Bipolar. What Am i doing to myself

[faceplant]

An anonymous letter came through my door today containing this :

"I Joined blue light today. Ive been visiting for a long time, but I have a few burning questions, and I could do with someone to talk to. Since the age of 13 I Have at the very least been intersted in psychoactive substances, I remember being offered alcohol at a christmas party and spending the entire time marvelling at the affects it had on me and the way I perceived the world. Mind altering substances are such a source of fascination for me, even in the periods in which I have been tottaly so, I have still researched drugs obsessively. But theres a problem.

Im not so good upstairs,Im Bipolar type 2, I have social anxiety disorder general anxiety disorder and I am possibly somewhere on the autistic spectrum. Without sounding like a sympathy whore, sometimes its pretty tough being me. Im getting a lot better, but last year I basically never left the house, Now at least im going to college when i can manage it, and I have a job. The bipolar however is just getting worse. And Im starting to think My drug habbits are the reason why. I regularly take mxe or ketamine if i can get it. I use kratom and other opiates reasonably regularly, And when im really down i will even resort to alcohol (me and alcohol dont sit well, ive watched it tear my family apart). I also had a big big benzo habit going, overdosed several times and decided to finally kick the habit, Im out of the woods now and have been benzo free for the best part of 5 months. At times ive been drug free for about 6 months, but I just cant take the world sober. I finish a day of battling anxiety and depression, get home and all i want to do is go somehwhere else. I Know its not right, And I know its not good for me, Im just hoping its not too bad for me.

Maybe Im just using this as an excuse to get this off my chest, but I dont really have anyone else to talk to at the moment. Im pretty much nearing the end of a 14 month long relationship. She cant take living with my bipolar, and I honestly dont think she loves me anymore. I still adore her, completely. But thats not the point. The problem is, she knew i was a druggie, but she thinks since I went clean, I never started using again, which just isnt the case, And i cant bear lying to her.

Sorry to ramble, but the point is, Im in a bad place right now. And My drug use is just getting heavier. Im half asking if anyone knows how bipolar and mental health in general are affected by these drugs listed above. And half doing this because I need to get it out, And i feel ridiculous writing it down just to throw it away again.

Sorry to burden you all with my tails of woe."

 

[Missykins]

Approximately one-third of all individuals seeking treatment for substance abuse have a mental illness, which often goes untreated.

 

[pastelcircus]

hey, faceplant.
i can relate, i'm bipolar (diagnosed at about sixteen, at which point i'm pretty sure that i exaggerated symptoms to get seroquel, which i knew was prescribed for bipolar disorder, but i did and do have syptoms, along with generalised anxiety and depression. anyways,) and i've had my share of chemical induced mood swings. one thing that i didn't realize was that when i WAS having a mood swing and i tried to control it, the come-down was the worse part.. i could only temporarily, and barely, cover up to myself and others a low spot in my 'cycle'. i spent three years self-medicating and dealing with the consequences. my family life sucked, my school-work was suffering, and my social life was non-existent, other than partying and socialising during a smoking session, all while on a heavy round of meds that were supposed to stabilize me, and maybe would have done so if i wasn't sabotaging my mental health with drugs. i'm sober now, i've kicked the benzos and tranquilizers and drone, alcohol, opiates, shrooms, everything except for cigarettes. honestly though, my life hasn't changed much. i'm living at my mother's house, and my social life is seriously lacking, and it's almost the same as when i would be waiting for a party alert on my cell, except i know that the party isn't coming, and if it does, i'm probalby not going. i've filled my time since sober (113 days) with riding horses, a past time of mine when i was younger, and it seems to be working pretty well. there is the gaping hole left that drugs have left, but it's starting to close. i feel you though, not wanting to be home the second you walk into the door, social anxiety, you name it.. i'm currently staying afloat without meds, and meds would probably help, but for some reason i feel like i've rewired myself enough that meds might make a negative impact, but it's something i've thought about. have you considered meds or are you taking any? and i've also found that a drug counselor can help a lot, are you seeing professionals? also, good work on going to school, and keep that up. that might be your 'productive' time filler

 

[faceplant]

Thanks for you reply pastel, good to know im not entirely alone. Ive been on every ssri in existant, anti psyhcotics, mood stabnilisers and benzos. as well as beta blockers for a while. The only ones that helepd me where benzos, but that jsut turned into an addiction. Im med free now. I guess I was feelign rpetyt low yesterday, things seem a bit better today. Whats helped you the most ?

 

[Tommyboy]

I suggest giving up the opiates. My family thought I was bipolar but I was just either high on opiates (they made me energetic and talkative which seemed like mania) or withdrawing from them (stayed in bed, didn't eat much, seemed like depression).

Alcohol is really bad for anybody with any mental problems, bipolar disorder being one of them. If you are depressed when you start to drink, it's only going to get worse. If you are manic when you start to drink, you may do some crazy stuff while drunk.

While a lot of people with substance abuse problems have underlying mental illness, some people with substance abuse problems can be misdiagnosed if the drugs are causing the symptoms. I'm not saying that you aren't bipolar, I am saying that if you return to a psychiatrist for an evaluation, it would be best if you have some clean time so that you are in a more natural state of mind for the evaluation.

 

[phactor]

I suggest giving up the opiates. My family thought I was bipolar but I was just either high on opiates (they made me energetic and talkative which seemed like mania) or withdrawing from them (stayed in bed, didn't eat much, seemed like depression).

I too was initially suspected to be Bi-Polar when I originally went into treatment, turns out I was just having a meltdown and coming down from opiates and other drugs. I was really all over the place, I was scared, happy, excited, home sick, nervous etc For the record, I AM NOT suggesting that the OP is misdiagnosed.

Hell, my current therapist is questioning even my depression diagnosis. I am starting to agree with him. When you are using at 17 to the point that it makes you depressed you will get diagnosed as such.

Anyways, my suggestion to the OP is to seek help and stop with the drugs and alcohol for at least a little while. Alcohol itself can be sneaky. I too had my first drink at a very young age and felt like I had found something wonderful. Turns out it can not so nice to you if you let it control yourself. Also, just like many of us here, you started using drugs at a young age (it seems like), that makes things much more complicated. It can really socially stunt you, I myself am learning lots of things now that I should have learned a long (10 years) time ago. I still struggle to be self-sufficient, but I am visualizing my future and it looks good. So another suggestion that helps me and may help you is to try to be as positive and kind to yourself. I am often my own worst enemy.

 

[harlans]

Sorry to burden you all with my tails of woe."

i don't feel burdened... i feel like i understand your pain.

 

[pastelcircus]

what works for me? honestly is what i'm still trying to figure out, but trying to stay grounded, meditating, and staying sober.

and what phactor said, " I still struggle to be self-sufficient, but I am visualizing my future and it looks good. So another suggestion that helps me and may help you is to try to be as positive and kind to yourself. I am often my own worst enemy"

just having a goal and a vision of what you want from your future might help you stay away from drugs, especially if you get some clean time and realize that staying clean is a huge leg-up on living the life that you want to live. it's definitely worth the discomfort of withdrawls, but if they're bad, don't be afraid to seek help.