dreaming waking (a work in progress)

[onetwothreefour]

figured it might be interesting to see what this recent sleep deprivation has been doing to my mind. this is the result of today's mind-fucking. i want to tighten it a bit though...

as always, criticism (both positive and negative ) is appreciated.

drifting through today i lumbered, lame, my brain in slumber
i'm surfing through the ages of a place ignored outrageous
my thoughts are filled with nought but sum
of a weekend just now wasted

and i can't recall passed time at all or if i even woke
perhaps i'm still asleep like alice, as hers' the hole seems deep
my dreams burn real though life feels sleep
a preference can't be tasted

for who can choose 'tween two worlds when vision sees them same
thoughts so lucid, sight transperant, i rub my eyes and see
that the living world is breathing in
an image just of me

the image real as real can be, my mind makes wont to steal it;
if i might own this real'st me, perhaps i could conceal it
from the eyes who reach with hands that gaze
for the image that i see

but if i worked to stop this plot asunder from its end
then am i back in limbo, a-sleeping wake a-dreaming state
i can't quite find the cure to this my life of truth
or maybe life of fiction

the question asked might help unmask a glimpse of one's own fate
but halfway hope stumbles and mopes; such a result's unfair
for its promised world unfurls instead
a doubt, its name affliction

 

[Dandy]

I like this.
There is definitely a sense of thought dictating the journey rather than a journey dictating thought if that makes sense. There isn't much movement as far as what I derived from the piece is concerned and this is not a bad thing. What I mean by that is the fact that so much of this seems to be caused by internal thought-processes divided between the time you dedicate to dreams and the time you dedicate to non-dream time.
I like the fact that you are considering the world of dreams so important to you in your life and integrating it into your non-dream time.
There is a certain sense of coming to terms with something I get upon reading this. Maybe coming to terms with one's self/one's existence.
The piece itself is travelling. Good play on words also, I'm always a sucker for that and I feel you did it well.

 

[human paraquat]

wow, ^what he said ....but in all seriousness, i do like this piece, especially the last stanza

 

[onetwothreefour]

thanks goz, your comments are always really insightful. i appreciate that you thought this deserved it

and i agree; i think the state-of-mind that i was in allowed a bit more flow from my brain directly to the page (rather than the usual process where i think the words through a bit more - too much, i think). i was happy to let thoughts of the imagination kind of blend in with thoughts of reality...blurring the edges sort of thing, to the point where i was finding it difficult to actually tell the difference myself.

thanks also, hp - i really like the stuff of yours that i've read, so it means a bit to have your kudos too

 

[drEaMtiMe*@#]

heh, who knew that such truth could come from such a delirious and seemingly lost guy

i was very impressed by this piece... painfully modest, sufficiently experimental, but what i liked most was your willingness to consciously delve into your unconscious and blend the two instead of having them be separate entities. hard to do.

i also like how you finish the piece with the word affliction just after you previously mention the doubt that besets...... hence i also see that the way you choose to conclude things exactly complements the painful modesty that your words tend to extrude and in my eyes fits this assertion "i'm surfing through the ages of a place ignored outrageous".

good work. keep it up

 

[onetwothreefour]

like i said, it's a work in progress, so i did a bit on it tonight, and i thingk (hope ) i've improved it. that said, i'm failry drunk, so perhaops the change in perspective might noit work. thoughts - both positive and negative - arre definitelyu apprciated. mostly i'm going to work on the lkast paragrpahy ( gillywin ).

--

drifting through today he lumbered, lame, a brain in slumber
and surfing through the ages of a place ignored - outrageous
his thoughts are filled with nought but sum
of a weekend just now wasted

though he can't recall passed time at all or if he even woke
perhaps he's still asleep like alice, like hers the hole is deep
dreams burn real and make us weep, still life feels sleep, just numb
a preference can't be tasted

for who can choose between two worlds, when vision judges same
thoughts so lucid, sight transperent, rub sand from eyes and see
that the living world is breathing in
an image just of me

the image false as real (only), of course his mind's inclined to steal (it);
if he might own this real(e)st 'me', perhaps he could conceal it
from the eyes who reach with hands invading
for the image that he sees

but if he worked to stop this plot asunder from its end
he's only back in limbo, a sleeping wake or dreaming state (but)
you can't quite find the cure to this his life of truth
or maybe life of fiction?

the question asked might help unmask a glimpse of one's own fate
but halfway hope stumbles and mopes; such a result's unfair
for its promised world unfurls instead
a doubt he knew - its name only affliction

 

[faceless_shadow]

excellent. very powerful words. it flows so smoothely and has such power in the words. great job