Maybe you're experiencing a mixed state? That seems like an awful lot of medication meant to tame an intense state of mania, which apparently it did. Ok, granted I am not a doctor, but the meds you listed, 2 benzos, plus a powerful antipsychotic, plus suboxone to help you through the w/ds...what about for depression? No abilify, no antidepressant, no mood stabilizer? No nothing? The apathy could be from a powerful cocktail of meds you're on, which I think is part of it, & if you're bipolar I would think the depressions would suck even worse not just from not feeling "normal" but in comparison to the euphoria of hypomania or mania--and the day to day running & gunning just to stay "well."
I had been on meth on & off 25 years. Then, the law caught up with me & I did get clean for 2 years. While on the one hand it felt great not to have to worry about the law, or accusations of using from family, the drugs DID suppress my ADD, boredom, & there was always an element of excitement in one form or another because my life was a constant adventure. Well, I didn't like to admit it, but the fact was I missed the excitement of using because in terms of sheer dopamine/adrenaline rush I've always craved, nothing, & I mean NOTHING, but slamming meth compared.
In your case, if you were on heroin for 25 years the way I was on speed 25 years, the drugs suppressed your bipolar episodes, & often times mask other ailments like depression, schizophrenia, ADD, obesity, I could go on ad infinitum. I know besides masking my ADD, after being on speed 25 years, (way more on than off the last 8 years,) one day after a faithful habit 8 years I get arrested & don't have any more speed for 27 months. I think I threw my system into fucking shock because I gained 80 friggin pounds & I had NEVER been morbidly obese like that.
In my case, I had no meds to help with either kicking, obesity, ADD, or bordom. After 2, especially after 3 months, the boredom went away to the point where I could read books or start to enjoy some things. The ADD was a different story & I had to deal with getting up and moving around after a few minutes as if to let off nervous energy, whereas on speed I could sit and focus for hours on end and concentrate like there was no tomorrow. So, some things I learned to live with, but at least the treacherous apathy had lifted.
I don't know if any of this helps you much, but I would definitely talk to my doctor and tell him/her what you posted to us. I DO understand more than I'd like to the hell of apathy and I can't emphasize how badly it SUCKS! I feel your pain. If you ever need to email me at:
[email protected]. I know greenlighters can't PM or I'd say you can PM me. Still, you've got a lot going on, it's not surprising unpleasant shit like this comes up.
I certainly know how you feel not knowing what to do with yourself without drugs (in terms of being high, running & gunning to get high, w/ds, recovering from getting a bit higher than I bargained for on occasion lol.) I mean, check this out. The last 8 years of using before getting busted, I was constantly busy. Sure I might take breaks, but the finality of being clean supposedly forever, feeling bummed because there were 2 things that no matter how hard I tried doing sober, I couldn't & didn't do so well. So I didn't write, compose, do the thing I loved the most because I couldn't get myself into the right mindset, & the ADD was too much for me. I couldn't get the rush from anything the way speed did.
I did however keep busy, & focused on the things I COULD do sober that I suck at high, like taking care of freaken annoying responsibilities I tended to put off either due to lack of money (auto insurance for example was NOT the top priority for THIS dope fiend lol) or if I did have money, I found sacrificing TIME to do this stupid crap even more impossible to give up than money. I tried keeping a journal semi consistently, & I notice doing that made me unlock things I wasn't even aware of and work on them, but that's probably better left to do with a therapist or something. I found NA helpful, but I took Tramadol for a couple weeks as perscribed not knowing it was an antidepressant.
All I know is I never felt "right" again after that & wanted to sleep 12-16 hrs a day & couldn't afford detox. In hindsight, I probably should have told my doctor, but I was too paranoid because I didn't want to admit to being addicted to something....then risk being permanently cut off say if her other meds she might of written for me -- thinking what if they didn't work? I felt bad on Tramadol, well not "bad" per se, but "off", yet I felt WORSE, way worse if I didn't take tramadol. After 9 months, I gave up & returned to the only drug I knew would offer relief, which is meth. Again, don't know if this helps, but at best maybe someone else won't have to make the same mistake I did not telling my doctor.
The boredom & not knowing what to do sober went away after 2-3 months though. Try to keep busy if you can.
