Don't know where to begin

[gabafucked]

I have been feeling worse and worse over the last year or so. I feel like I'm in constant partial withdrawal or something. Frequent temperature fluctuations, achiness, fatigue, brain fog, restlessness, and more that I'm sure I'm not thinking of. I never want to do anything and I hate leaving the house. My anxiety has also went into overdrive and it's hard to tell how that is impacting everything else.

I've been taking kratom and vaping for 5 years, gabapentin and modafinil 2-3, and I'm chronically malnourished/dehydrated due to an eating disorder called ARFID. I've been dependant on afrin to be able to breathe for far too long. I have sleep apnea and between that and waking up to take kratom my sleep is terrible.

It's impossible to tell what exactly is causing my symptoms and I'm terrified there is something seriously wrong with me, but my drug and eating habits could also be easily be causing my problems.

I have a great job, beautiful house, and amazing partner that I have been with for 5 years. I don't know how they stand being with me honestly. I don't want to lose it all. I need to get off of everything and work on my health, but it all feels so overwhelming and I don't know where to begin. I'm terrified of the withdrawal as well. I'm not sure how I will cope with it with nothing to bring any relief.

 

[FindingSobriety]

I’m no expert by any means, but I would focus on getting proper nutrition first, let your body get stronger, then formulate a plan to go off of everything.

The combination of poor nutrition and drug abuse/dependency is a double-whammy, especially once you get older.

Is there anyway you could force yourself to eat fruits & vegetables and yogurt and stuff? (along with drinking lots of water) If you could find a way to do that you’d be feeling 10x better, and fast.

 

[gabafucked]

I’m no expert by any means, but I would focus on getting proper nutrition first, let your body get stronger, then formulate a plan to go off of everything.

The combination of poor nutrition and drug abuse/dependency is a double-whammy, especially once you get older.

Is there anyway you could force yourself to eat fruits & vegetables and yogurt and stuff? (along with drinking lots of water) If you could find a way to do that you’d be feeling 10x better, and fast.

Yes I think maybe I have eaten like this for so long that I don't realize how proper nutrition impacts how you feel, and maybe it will help me start feeling better which in turn will allow me to continue making the other changes I need for my health. I'll be 33 this year and I can't rely on my youth forever to protect me from the stupid decisions I have made over the years. I don't mind eating in itself. My eating disorder is not rooted in the fear of weight gain or anything. I was seeing a dietician last year to try to get help, but I gave up. She told me she would have me in an inpatient eating disorder clinic, but I can't do that. I don't think I'm in a position that can't be overcome on my own outpatient, but it will definitely be difficult.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

Do you see a psychiatrist or NP? A lot of psych meds can help people gain weight along with their indications.

Per your username, I'm guessing you were on a benzo for a long time? Those are way hard to stop. The uncomfortable withdrawal can last a long time. But it can be done, and a lot of people have less anxiety than at the start after being off them for a while.

Sounds like to me though that you have a lot of good things going for you! Don't give up. I think you'll be fine.

 

[gabafucked]

Do you see a psychiatrist or NP? A lot of psych meds can help people gain weight along with their indications.

Per your username, I'm guessing you were on a benzo for a long time? Those are way hard to stop. The uncomfortable withdrawal can last a long time. But it can be done, and a lot of people have less anxiety than at the start after being off them for a while.

Sounds like to me though that you have a lot of good things going for you! Don't give up. I think you'll be fine.

I've tried many psych meds but they have been ineffective with a lot of side effects. Ketamine therapy seemed to help quite a bit, but I had a challenging experience and I was too af aid to go back for awhile. I'd like to start that again. Fortunately no benzos for me I am terrified of them even just a single dose potentially causing horrible rebound anxiety. The gaba is gabapentin. I do have a lot of good in my life and I won't give up. I know what it likes to not have anything or anyone on your side. My problems seem inconsequential compared to some of the other members here, but I feel they are draining my life.

 

[gabafucked]

I forced myself to eat a couple of scrambled eggs this morning. I figured that would be easy and with some nutrition. Going to the store to try to find some more easy light foods with high nutritional value. Going to get some premier protein shakes. I was doing really well drinking one of those daily for a bit but then fell off. They have a lot of protein and it's something I can just chug down quickly. Started a multivitamin again last night as well. It's tricky because you need to take them with food but I also can't take it morning or evening because the calcium and magnesium can inhibit gabapentin absorption. I want to succeed at this first and then try to tackle my other problems. I should probably see my dietician again, but it was pretty expensive.

 

[Juicewrldfan]

Do you see a psychiatrist or NP? A lot of psych meds can help people gain weight along with their indications.

Per your username, I'm guessing you were on a benzo for a long time? Those are way hard to stop. The uncomfortable withdrawal can last a long time. But it can be done, and a lot of people have less anxiety than at the start after being off them for a while.

Sounds like to me though that you have a lot of good things going for you! Don't give up. I think you'll be fine.

OP, I greatly agree with this comment. Please consider seeeing a doctor to help you. Doesn’t sound like something you should be doing in your own as it sounds really like a lot of struggle and suffering. We need that alleviated. Please consider seeing a doctor man. Please keep us updated

 

[gabafucked]

OP, I greatly agree with this comment. Please consider seeeing a doctor to help you. Doesn’t sound like something you should be doing in your own as it sounds really like a lot of struggle and suffering. We need that alleviated. Please consider seeing a doctor man. Please keep us updated

Yes. I really should probably find a real physician. I have a nurse practitioner but I only use her to prescribe the meds. I work in medicine and she is not a good medical provider so I won't go to her for any real care. I'm afraid of speaking up about the kratom and gabapentin because of i get cut off of gabapentin, or they try to do too rapid of a taper, I will be in even worse condition. I have started tapering the kratom and gabapentin myself. I cut my kratom dose in half and started taking my gabapentin more scheduled (but still not in a prescribed way because my tolerance wouldn't allow for that low of a dose yet). I was successful in that and have stayed on track, but i always get too afraid to make any more cuts because I feel like currently both my physical and mental state feel very fragile and I'm scared to shatter that.

 

[PtahTek]

premier protein shakes

I love those. If I cannot eat for whatever reason these will not only provide some nutrients but sometimes kick starts an appetite. I keep cases on hand and down at least one a day.

I feel like I'm in constant partial withdrawal or something

I have been dealing with this "feeling" for a very long time now. It sucks and it may very well be that I am in a state of constant wd as I will splurge and drop dosages to try to be less dependent, keep tolerances low and be able to manage wds if I run out of whatever it is I am on. To me its a part of being a functional addict and is a daily (almost) phenom for me. Just another part of who/what I am.
One thing that should make me giddy is that I havent touched any cocaine in months. I stopped for years and then picked it back up after an incident with a pistol triggered me and got stuck in it for a few years. Glad to not have to run to the man but it wasnt the easiest for me.
I would also love to be substance free but I have issues that will not allow this atm or anytime I can see in the near future.
I agree with postings of getting physically healthier before cutting back or off a substance. The body and mind are inseparable to me. What effects one will have consequences on the other.
I truly hope the best in your situation but know you are not alone for what that is worth.
Best to you and yours,
P

 

[gabafucked]

I love those. If I cannot eat for whatever reason these will not only provide some nutrients but sometimes kick starts an appetite. I keep cases on hand and down at least one a day.

I have been dealing with this "feeling" for a very long time now. It sucks and it may very well be that I am in a state of constant wd as I will splurge and drop dosages to try to be less dependent, keep tolerances low and be able to manage wds if I run out of whatever it is I am on. To me its a part of being a functional addict and is a daily (almost) phenom for me. Just another part of who/what I am.
One thing that should make me giddy is that I havent touched any cocaine in months. I stopped for years and then picked it back up after an incident with a pistol triggered me and got stuck in it for a few years. Glad to not have to run to the man but it wasnt the easiest for me.
I would also love to be substance free but I have issues that will not allow this atm or anytime I can see in the near future.
I agree with postings of getting physically healthier before cutting back or off a substance. The body and mind are inseparable to me. What effects one will have consequences on the other.
I truly hope the best in your situation but know you are not alone for what that is worth.
Best to you and yours,
P

Yes, premier shakes are the only ones I can tolerate and I chug them in two swings with my nose plugged lol. I did much better today than normal with eggs for breakfast, a premier for lunch, and just finished a dinner and added broccoli. The real test is if I can keep this up. I really appreciate the sentiment that I'm not alone and I know other people have suffered and made it to the other side. I just don't feel like I'm living right now.

 

[Juicewrldfan]

I highly agree with what you said about finding a doctor you trust in regards to their
capabilities.

I just fear that messing with your gaberguc system so much requires medicinal intervention to recover from the easiest. I do understand that you are concerned about losing your meds but if you go to a different doctor that is unaffiliated and of course don’t ask for any specific medicine. They aren’t going to report you to your doctor in the states. It’s a HIPPA violation. You have to sign a release AFAIK.

So if you see another doctor to at least just get recommendations on how to recover from this, you should be risk free I would think.

Of course this is just speculation and you work in the field so you are likely already aware.

I am hoping things are getting a little better at least. Way to go in halving your kratom dose!

 

[gabafucked]

I highly agree with what you said about finding a doctor you trust in regards to their
capabilities.

I just fear that messing with your gaberguc system so much requires medicinal intervention to recover from the easiest. I do understand that you are concerned about losing your meds but if you go to a different doctor that is unaffiliated and of course don’t ask for any specific medicine. They aren’t going to report you to your doctor in the states. It’s a HIPPA violation. You have to sign a release AFAIK.

So if you see another doctor to at least just get recommendations on how to recover from this, you should be risk free I would think.

Of course this is just speculation and you work in the field so you are likely already aware.

I am hoping things are getting a little better at least. Way to go in halving your kratom dose!

Yes gaba seems to not be very forgiving haha. The problem is if they share the same type of EMR (electronic medical record where your chart is stored) then they both would have access to everything. Everyone usually has some boilerplate stuff about being allowed to contact other medical professionals in regards to your care basically. I'm also afraid it will be difficult to find a physician that has any familiarity with gabapentin withdrawal. A lot of people don't even understand that it has a severe withdrawal syndrome in a lot of people. I stopped taking it cold turkey years ago and it wasn't terrible, but it's different this time for whatever reason.

I'm up at 3am again because I woke up from a nightmare with my heart beating fast which always causes anxiety to flare up and when this happens I usually don't feel better until my morning gabapentin kicks in around 8am. I took some propranolol and I've gotten better at mostly keeping it together and not having a panic attack, but I still usually have this pit of "anxiety in my stomach" feeling. Just took my kratom as well with the last dose being about 6.5 hours ago. It used to always make me feel better and give me a sense of comfort, but it hasn't done that in quite awhile now. I miss it

I get scared to even talk or think about this stuff sometimes because if I start thinking about everything and what I have to try to do it can spiral my anxiety, but I'm trying to get past that.

 

[Juicewrldfan]

Yes gaba seems to not be very forgiving haha. The problem is if they share the same type of EMR (electronic medical record where your chart is stored) then they both would have access to everything. Everyone usually has some boilerplate stuff about being allowed to contact other medical professionals in regards to your care basically. I'm also afraid it will be difficult to find a physician that has any familiarity with gabapentin withdrawal. A lot of people don't even understand that it has a severe withdrawal syndrome in a lot of people. I stopped taking it cold turkey years ago and it wasn't terrible, but it's different this time for whatever reason.

I'm up at 3am again because I woke up from a nightmare with my heart beating fast which always causes anxiety to flare up and when this happens I usually don't feel better until my morning gabapentin kicks in around 8am. I took some propranolol and I've gotten better at mostly keeping it together and not having a panic attack, but I still usually have this pit of "anxiety in my stomach" feeling. Just took my kratom as well with the last dose being about 6.5 hours ago. It used to always make me feel better and give me a sense of comfort, but it hasn't done that in quite awhile now. I miss it

I get scared to even talk or think about this stuff sometimes because if I start thinking about everything and what I have to try to do it can spiral my anxiety, but I'm trying to get past that.

I have the same issue with sleep. Well maybe a little more complicated, but I do have c-ptsd or so they say but it’s not in the dsm to my knowledge so I understand night terrors. They are rough sometimes. And I also get mania so lately I sleep 2-3 hours a night if I sleep at all.

So I’m up with ya lol.

And as far as doctors treating gabapentin withdrawl, it does happen. But there’s a catch that you are aware of. Most don’t have experience with it. Still, the same rules apply just don’t they just need to really look at its half life and then make a taper plan?

When I was in inpatient treatment last year, an elderly guy almost died from a NP forgetting to write his taper for gabapentin and his old prescription was expired in the system. He fell out and everyone thought he was having a hard attack.

The clinical director assistant (an actual MD) took over his care from there and wrote a taper.

They tapered me off it too and didn’t CT DC it in inpatiwnt BUT they are addiction psychiatrists so may be exceptions.

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

I've tried many psych meds but they have been ineffective with a lot of side effects. Ketamine therapy seemed to help quite a bit, but I had a challenging experience and I was too af aid to go back for awhile. I'd like to start that again. Fortunately no benzos for me I am terrified of them even just a single dose potentially causing horrible rebound anxiety. The gaba is gabapentin. I do have a lot of good in my life and I won't give up. I know what it likes to not have anything or anyone on your side. My problems seem inconsequential compared to some of the other members here, but I feel they are draining my life.

Didn't mean to trivialize your situation. I'm not privy to what goes on inside, so I try not to judge. We're all different. I'm sure that there are those who might seem much worse off than they are on the outside, and vice vera.

Esketamine can be very therapeutic. Good to have the willpower not to take benzos (unless they're absolutely needed).

We're glad you reached out!

 

[gabafucked]

Didn't mean to trivialize your situation. I'm not privy to what goes on inside, so I try not to judge. We're all different. I'm sure that there are those who might seem much worse off than they are on the outside, and vice vera.

Esketamine can be very therapeutic. Good to have the willpower not to take benzos (unless they're absolutely needed).

We're glad you reached out!

Oh yeah of course I didn't take it as trivializing at all and I really appreciate anyone's input. I feel like I can't talk about this in person with anyone. I was going to a clinic that did IM ketamine therapy and it was really great. I'm going to call tomorrow and see if I can get started again. It's been over a year since my last treatment I think.

I wouldn't mind having a small stash of benzos when I finally do withdrawal from the kratom and gabapentin, but I am so worried they will just cause rebound anxiety when they wear off. Gabapentin and kratom are like THE comfort meds for withdrawal, and I'm not sure there is anything I will be able to take to bring some relief. I am going to taper as much as possible, but I know there is still going to be some rough withdrawal no matter how much I taper.

 

[gabafucked]

Well I just woke up now it's 5am gotta get ready for work in an hour. I'm feeling kinda "dark" this morning for some reason and I dont like it. Having these thoughts about not being able to do my job because of feeling worse physically and what that would mean. Then just a feeling of my depression worsening and what that would mean. I've basically had low level depression my entire life. I don't think I've ever not had it, and rarely it will get worse. I don't want that to happen, but how the fuck am I going to fix all of these problems I've let pile up while still keeping myself from falling into a depressive state. I do not want that to happen! I also have to try to push past my physical/mental fatigue to stay vigilant and not just give up. Fuck!

 

[endlessnameless]

I have been feeling worse and worse over the last year or so. I feel like I'm in constant partial withdrawal or something. Frequent temperature fluctuations, achiness, fatigue, brain fog, restlessness, and more that I'm sure I'm not thinking of. I never want to do anything and I hate leaving the house. My anxiety has also went into overdrive and it's hard to tell how that is impacting everything else.

I've been taking kratom and vaping for 5 years, gabapentin and modafinil 2-3, and I'm chronically malnourished/dehydrated due to an eating disorder called ARFID. I've been dependant on afrin to be able to breathe for far too long. I have sleep apnea and between that and waking up to take kratom my sleep is terrible.

It's impossible to tell what exactly is causing my symptoms and I'm terrified there is something seriously wrong with me, but my drug and eating habits could also be easily be causing my problems.

I have a great job, beautiful house, and amazing partner that I have been with for 5 years. I don't know how they stand being with me honestly. I don't want to lose it all. I need to get off of everything and work on my health, but it all feels so overwhelming and I don't know where to begin. I'm terrified of the withdrawal as well. I'm not sure how I will cope with it with nothing to bring any relief.

Have you considered going for a blood test? I'm still feeling temperature fluctuations almost a month after quitting and feel run down to hell.
I'm going for one asap, I suspect I'm very low in Vitamin D and C amongst other things.

 

[gabafucked]

Have you considered going for a blood test? I'm still feeling temperature fluctuations almost a month after quitting and feel run down to hell.
I'm going for one asap, I suspect I'm very low in Vitamin D and C amongst other things.

Very good point. I've had chronic anemia and non-existent iron for many years due to gi disease causing bleeding. I had a massive bleed that caused me to be admitted and get a blood transfusion. a couple of years ago. I probably need to get another iron infusion. I am getting ready to head to work and I'll get some labs drawn while I am there. I should start testosterone again too.

 

[gabafucked]

Gosh I just feel like I'm getting worse. I woke up this morning with a kind of buzzing or internal tremors feeling under my skin. I took the kratom but I have 40 minutes to take the gabapentin (300mg staggered every 30 minutes x6). Is this interdose withdrawal from one of them? Something to do with my poor nutrition? Just anxiety? I don't think it's just anxiety as this was something I was already feeling as I was coming out of sleep and hadn't even taken thought about it yet. I wake up feeling poorly every day lately but not like this. I think I maybe had this before when I was taking gabapentin 5 or 6 years ago, but it didn't seem to cause me any anxiety then. Fuck I'm just so scared I'm losing it and am not going to be able to live my life. Fuck me I'm just really scared

Edit: still feeling very anxious and like I can't focus. Started my morning gabapentin stagger we will see how I feel as I finish that and go to work. I made an appointment with a physician for tomorrow on my day off. I'm just worried that there is so much here to untangle, I won't be able to to articulate myself well if I'm still feeling like this/overly anxious, and that I'm basically dropping this huge bombshell on a doctor that is already overworked and overwhelmed that will not have the patience to deal with a nightmare patient such as myself.

 

[endlessnameless]

Gosh I just feel like I'm getting worse. I woke up this morning with a kind of buzzing or internal tremors feeling under my skin. I took the kratom but I have 40 minutes to take the gabapentin (300mg staggered every 30 minutes x6). Is this interdose withdrawal from one of them? Something to do with my poor nutrition? Just anxiety? I don't think it's just anxiety as this was something I was already feeling as I was coming out of sleep and hadn't even taken thought about it yet. I wake up feeling poorly every day lately but not like this. I think I maybe had this before when I was taking gabapentin 5 or 6 years ago, but it didn't seem to cause me any anxiety then. Fuck I'm just so scared I'm losing it and am not going to be able to live my life. Fuck me I'm just really scared

I'm taking 400mgs of Lyrica a day and I find that it actually helps with my anxiety, however I am often taken 3mgs of Alprazolam on top. Having said that, more often than not I find I dont need to take the Alprazolam at all during the day for anxiety and I'll keep them for night-time to ensure I get to sleep early in order to be up early.

Poor nutrition is something you must address as soon as possible considering you're about to start a tapering process (as far as I know you are, unless I'm mistaken). Whats your diet looking like at the moment? You getting your three meals a day and if so what do they typically consist of? Drinking plenty of water? What about caffeine? What weight are you?