Don't know what to do anymore

[class-a-team]

Drugs have been a source of pleasure and pain for me for many years now. My parents don't know about it, but I'm really obsessed with drugs. I'm not addicted to any drug, but I never stop thinking about them. I don't have any close friends because people bore me and they hate my drug habits. However, while getting high used to be fun before, it never really seems worth it anymore because I get panic attacks and make a fool of myself in front of others. So I tried giving up drugs for a couple of months this year, and failed, somehow managing to forget all the hassle they've caused me.

I see a therapist who practises ACT therapy, but only to keep my mother happy. I don't think it helps in the slightest and I've told her that before but she just wants to keep me off medication (I was prescribed Lexapro by my GP a few months ago and my mother took it off me). I had bulimia from the age of 13 to 15, then took up drugs. My father left when I was 14, and I've had a strained relationship with him ever since. I don't trust men in the slightest, and earlier this year my fears were realised when I was sexually assaulted by a cousin that I used to be very close to. He knew about the eating disorder and told me, despite the fact that I was recovered at the time, that he only touched me like that to make me feel better about myself. He apologised, but I don't think he meant it. I wanted to talk to him about it, but he being the chicken that he is preferred to talk about it through text messages. I call myself a forgiving person, so I forgave and tried to forget about it. I didn't tell anyone. But the last time I saw him he seemed too interested in my sexuality and that made me very uneasy. I haven't spoken to him since, and he hasn't made contact with me because all he thinks about and cares about is his obnoxious ugly self.

I've had casual relationships with guys in the past, but to add to my problems I think I'm gay. That shouldn't be a problem in this day and age, but I really don't want to be gay. The friend situation isn't great either, I have "friends" but that's just so I'm not alone. These people are fine, I just have nothing in common with them. I'm really judgemental of others, even if they don't know it. I criticise myself too, of course, but maybe not to such an extent.

My real problem is fear. I'm terrified of my future. Next year I'll be starting university and I'm terrified that I'll be equally isolated and unhappy there. I don't know if I should stay doing drugs or not, and if not, how to stop thinking about them. I feel defined by them.

 

[Doomed2pain]

Uni is totally different to school, and there is such a variation of people with different interests, I am sure you could make some really good friends.

As for the stopping drugs, you really have to want to do it. Try taking up new hobbies to distract yourself from thinking about drugs.

There's nothing wrong with being gay, if it's a women that makes you happy, at least you're happy and trying to force yourself to be something you're not will only lead to unhappiness. I don't like labels, it doesn't make a difference to me whether someone is gay, straight, whatever and the sooner the people get over that the better. One of my best friends is bisexual and has been with her gf for over 5 years, she still finds men attractive but right now it's a woman that makes her happy

Once you're 18 your mum can't stop you from taking anti depressants, maybe try a different form of therapy until you're 18, and if it still isn't working, take medication alongside the therapy. Medication and therapy is usually the best combination for most people.

I'm really sorry to hear what you've gone through, and if your cousin carries on being inappropriate you must tell someone, I was sexually assaulted and raped at 14 by a boyfriend, I wasn't ready for sex, he spiked my drink. I was so ashamed and scared to tell anyone, I only told my mum last year, 10 years after the incident. I told partners of course but only after I really trusted them, but I couldn't bring myself to tell my mum coz I knew she'd be upset that I didn't tell her when it happened. Please don't suffer alone, I've learnt that it's the worst thing to do.

If you ever want to chat, please pm me if I can help in anyway, I will.

 

[class-a-team]

Hey thanks for all your help, much appreciated. I didn't intend on being so ranty, but it's good to know that someone understands. Before any of this happened, I always had a very cynical disposition and I guess drugs help me deal with that. I'm sick of people telling me that it's just my age, because I don't know anyone my age that does that things I do. And even if every person my age goes through this, why should they have to put up with it?

I really wouldn't be happy if I lived my life as a gay person, I admit some people would even call me homophobic. Mostly it's to do with religion though, so I'm going to stay in the closet for now. I don't think I'll do anything about my cousin, although sometimes I want to kill him. I think it would cause me a lot more hurt knowing that I tarnished someone's reputation, especially someone that I know very well. Doesn't mean I want anything to do with him though. Thank you so much for your kind words, it's people like you that restore my faith in humanity.

 

[Missykins]

Dear, with all due respect, you really need help. You have a history of sexual abuse inflicted upon you by a family member that you have assumed
responsibility for. You don't like gay people because you think you might be gay. You see your therapist to appease your mother, who knows nothing
about the incest you've suffered. It sounds like a lot of the adults in your life that are supposed to protecting and caring for you have dropped the ball,
which is not your fault. You may not now, but soon enough you will have a full-blown drug problem. What drugs are you obsessed with?

Is there an adult in your life that you trust?

 

[class-a-team]

Dear, with all due respect, you really need help. You have a history of sexual abuse inflicted upon you by a family member that you have assumed
responsibility for. You don't like gay people because you think you might be gay. You see your therapist to appease your mother, who knows nothing
about the incest you've suffered. It sounds like a lot of the adults in your life that are supposed to protecting and caring for you have dropped the ball,
which is not your fault. You may not now, but soon enough you will have a full-blown drug problem. What drugs are you obsessed with?

Is there an adult in your life that you trust?

I suppose that's all true. Well I'm back in contact with that cousin. In fact, he's probably the one person I talk to most outside of my immediate family and the one person I trust. He's the only person that knows I'm gay. It's pretty pathetic considering he's the one that messed me up the most.

Anyway, I don't want to be gay, I will never accept myself as gay. Last night I was wondering how I could eliminate all my sexual desire, more than likely impossible but it would make my life so much easier. I'm sure most people would accept me all the same if I was openly gay, but I would never be happy living such a lifestyle. I'm Catholic and that's that.

It's hard to know how much of a problem drugs are in my life. I don't have a daily habit, but all my thinking revolves around drugs. Few people anything to do with me because they know I'm obsessed, and those that do insist on preaching the joys of sobriety and showing me how they're "high on life" which makes me even more resentful towards people in general. I spend most of my time alone; crying, feeling sorry for myself or getting high. I take any drug I can get my hands on but at the moment heroin is my favourite and I think I might have a mild physical dependance but I'm not too worried about that. Drugs haven't ruined my life and giving them up won't fix all of my problems, if any.

I can't really trust any adults, if I tell them about any of my problems they will undoubtedly feel obliged to tell my mother.

 

[herbavore]

class-a-team, have you ever seen this video? I respect your right to choose how you live and to make your own individual decisions but there are other points of view within your religion.

Putting your trust in a person that sexually assaulted you sounds very dangerous. If there are no family members that you trust then finding a safe person to talk to outside your family is essential. Are you in school? A counselor at your school might be a start. If that feels too vulnerable then maybe finding out what services are available through your local social services agency would be better.

Bottom line is this: the drugs you are using are addictive. If, as you say, you have a "mild" physical dependence on heroin, then stopping now is crucial before it becomes full blown. You speak of not even getting the relief and pleasure from drugs that you used to. You need, and deserve ,to get help for the pain in your life that is causing you to seek this relief in the first place. Help is out there but it can be a very daunting ordeal to find it. Good luck.

 

[phactor]

Just want to tell you a quick story:

My godmother is my mom's lifelong best friend. We are an Irish American Family from the South Side of Chicago. When my mom was growing up her neighborhood was full of Irish and Italian immigrants. It was also very catholic as you can imagine. My mom's best friend started to get drunk very frequently in high school. She had crushes on guys, but they were always ver unrealistic. My mom says it was like she was crushing on the guys that she thought she was supposed to.

My godmother joined became a nun and joined a convent. She lived there for several years and eventually came to terms with the fact that she is gay. She left and now has been with the same woman for over two decades, has a kid and is a great teacher who cares about her community and her students.

She is one of my role models. I am so grateful to have her in my life, as she taught me that it doesn't matter who you love but how you live your life.

I am straight myself, but I have been a lifelong supporter of equal rights for GLBT people. 99.9 percent of people nowadays do not care who you love, only what type of person that you are. Those that do judges others based on color, gender, ethnic group, sexuality etc are idiotic assholes who are not worth your or my time.

As for the drug stuff, well you sound very similar to me. I had/have some mental health issues that I am just now dealing with after struggling off and on with using for years. I started out using whatever I got my hands on, until lots of them started creating anxiety. I than realized that depressants didn't really cause anxiety so I used them. Problem is they start to cause lots of anxiety after you become dependent on them.

In order to deal with my issues, I had to stop using everything. I now know I just cannot use hard drugs. I will probably have some beers or a puff at some point, but I needed to get my act back together.

I was not Sexually Abused, so I cannot say I know how you feel, however I did work with abused children for a few years. Therapy really helped most of them. Some of the bravest people I know are kids who have gone through what you went through and are now getting help.

Best of luck to you.

 

[class-a-team]

class-a-team, have you ever seen this video? I respect your right to choose how you live and to make your own individual decisions but there are other points of view within your religion.

Putting your trust in a person that sexually assaulted you sounds very dangerous. If there are no family members that you trust then finding a safe person to talk to outside your family is essential. Are you in school? A counselor at your school might be a start. If that feels too vulnerable then maybe finding out what services are available through your local social services agency would be better.

Bottom line is this: the drugs you are using are addictive. If, as you say, you have a "mild" physical dependence on heroin, then stopping now is crucial before it becomes full blown. You speak of not even getting the relief and pleasure from drugs that you used to. You need, and deserve ,to get help for the pain in your life that is causing you to seek this relief in the first place. Help is out there but it can be a very daunting ordeal to find it. Good luck.

Talking to my cousin is often the only option, and the safest option, because I know for certain he won't tell anyone because he's too afraid of his molesting of me to get out. He's totally self-obsessed, if I tell him I'm suicidal he'll tell me to delete any texts he sent me because he doesn't want to look guilty of not telling anyone about my intentions.

Well I actually am already seeing a therapist and have been doing so for the last six months or so. It's really not helping though. I can't talk to her about the drugs because she'll be legally obliged to tell someone since what I am doing is so harmful and illegal, and I can't say anything to her about my cousin because again, she'd have to tell someone. She's a very kind woman and she charges me pittance for the amount of time she spends talking to me, but it just isn't working. That aside, I don't think I really like this type of therapy. It's all about telling yourself that all these bad thoughts, i.e. "I'm a failure", "nobody likes me", etc. are "just thoughts", but I really live in my head and I can't dismiss my innermost feelings as just thoughts when they feel like reality to me. So this sort of therapy isn't working.

Again, confidentiality is a big issue for me. Anything I say to the school counsellor will be passed on to the principal who'll ring my mother some evening and tell her to sit me down and have a chat with me. I was going to ring the national drugs helpine a few times over the Christmas holidays but they're actually closed for the holidays would you believe and I got through to a fucking airhead speaking on an answering machine, telling me about how they usually open from Monday to Friday at 10am-5pm, "including lunchbreaks." God bless any full-blown junkie trying to get off the gear in this country because the odds are really stacked against them. Excuse the rant, the anger is raging inside me these days.

Sometimes it's hard for me to accept that drugs are bad because I get so lonely and depressed at times I don't know what I'd do without them. I feel guilty when I buy heroin and at the same time seeing the poor addicts who probably regret the first time they tried it. If I had any real empathy for their plight I'd appreciate the stable background I come from and the reasonably easy life I had in comparison, and I'd stop myself. But in other ways I feel a lack of choice just like them, like I've run out of options. I wish I didn't expect so much from myself, like they expect nothing from themselves. I don't know if I'm suicidal, all I know is that somedays I get such thoughts but will never act on them because I'm terrified of death and I think I'll go to Hell if I don't redeem myself first. They always encourage you to talk to someone if you have problems but I've tried doing that and nobody really wants to listen. My mother wants to pretend everything's ok, my dad tries but I don't know how he'll ever regain my respect, one of my sisters thinks she knows me better than I know myself and that I'm just an attention-seeking self-pitying spoilt brat (she hasn't actually said this but she's always analysing what she thinks I think. She has a PhD in Psychology and still hasn't a fucking clue), and the other is abroad and we don't talk too much.

I love heroin so much, it's the best feeling because I feel nothing and nothing matters when I'm high. I can't stop thinking about how much I want to burn myself and vanish into thin air, I honestly don't feel I was meant for this world. I just can't deal with my emotions or hold it all together.

I don't know if I really deserve to be helped considering I've caused most of my problems. I could've done something to stop all this from happening, but I've made everything so much worse than it needs to be.

Thanks for your wise words and well wishes, and thank you for the link. I just watched the video there and while I appreciate equality for everyone regardless of their sexual orientation I just can't contradict what it says in the Bible. I'm not the strictest Christian ever, I take heroin for goodness sake, but I do try and live a life that God would approve of. It doesn't have anything to do with my family, they're not a bit religious and would accept me as gay if I came out, but it just wouldn't feel right for me.

 

[Missykins]

It all comes down to not having an adult in your life that you can trust. You've formed an alliance with the person who's hurt you significantly for
reasons you already understand BUT IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT. None of this is your fault.

Let's put the sexual orientation thing on the back burner for now. You've got bigger fish to fry. You say that you're not suicidal but heroin is a
long, slow death, even if it feels good now. Trust me on this one. You've got to tell someone what's happening in your life. Why should you suffer for
the crimes for others? Why not start by starting by talking with other survivors?