This week I've cried.
I've loved, laughed, and lied.
I told myself that missing you would get easier.
Promised my heart that staying strong one more day would be enough.
Explained to my soul that it was still whole -
An illusion.
All of it.
Tomorrow I'm going home.
To a home I've never seen, never known.
There will have to be a home,
a job, a bed, pictures on the walls.
And I'll put your frames all over the place,
tell you goodnight the way I do now,
put my fingers on your face, let the tears fall as they may, live the pain,
staring at an image that will exist outside the one dimension only in memory.
I have never felt as broken as I did that day.
Driving down the road to say goodbye,
but I still haven't figured out how to do that yet.
One fucking phone call, a voice I love on the other line, but it wasn't you,
And he was telling me that it never would be again.
I learned what love was by looking in your eyes.
Knew what joy could be by hearing your laugh, feeling your arms around me as we sat and planned and wondered at our friendship.
You told me once that you would always be strong for me when I needed you.
And now I need you.
Because of you.
I can't do this baby boy.
I can't pretend it's okay, say profound things like it was worth it to have known you [it was].
There is no way for me to smile through pain,
laugh without you ever again.
How do I know it's going to be a better world without you to promise it to me?
I've written you about a hundred letters in my mind.
None of them got it quite right,
this has been the worst of all.
But I must face that there can be a million letters,
and I still can't wait, excited, for your response to my words.
I don't have a way to tell you how much I love you.
We always agreed that we didn't have to say it, seeing each others eyes was enough.
So I go to sleep each night, praying to a god that I don't believe in that I will dream of you.
Hoping that maybe then I can hold you while you laugh,
feel your body shake from the happiness in you.
Hear you tell me that you love me, unconditionally -
I always believed it when you said it. No one had ever given me that before, and me trusting it.
I still trust you.
I want you to know that.
I miss you so much that I fear death less today.
I love you so much that I value joy more today.
Tomorrow? I have no idea,
I told you - I don't know how to do this.
So tomorrow will have to take care of itself,
and I'll take care of myself,
But your hands, I'll always feel them on my face when you tell me I make you happy.
There was a night -
it feels like so long ago, but remember? -
we sat outside that dingy hotel room,
it was so warm, that breeze felt so good.
You two had just met,
I remember thinking you would adore each other's company.
But you looked at me, and you told me,
"This changes everything, and I'm not afraid."
And I knew, at that moment, and you saw the knowing in me,
that you had become a man,
the one you wanted to be,
and you were going to love her beyond words, beyond this world.
And you did that baby boy, and I am so proud of you.
Thank you for loving her the way you did,
for making her happy, hearing her dreams,
showing me time and again that hope does exist.
I don't know where she'll go from here,
without you,
but I promise you with all that I am that I will love her as best I can for the rest of my life.
She really is the most amazing woman, isn't she?
We're so lucky to have her in our lives.
So I'll do that, for you, for me, for love.
I don't know when I'll be seeing you again.
There were some questions even we didn't have the answers to.
But I know that I'll go to sleep tonight,
and I'll tell you I love you over and over again,
and if I'm fortunate enough to wake in the morning
I'll spend the day telling people the things that I know.
Things that you taught me.
Joy that you brought me.
And I'll write you again,
probably within the hour,
but this time just for you and me.
I don't know how else to do this.
I've loved, laughed, and lied.
I told myself that missing you would get easier.
Promised my heart that staying strong one more day would be enough.
Explained to my soul that it was still whole -
An illusion.
All of it.
Tomorrow I'm going home.
To a home I've never seen, never known.
There will have to be a home,
a job, a bed, pictures on the walls.
And I'll put your frames all over the place,
tell you goodnight the way I do now,
put my fingers on your face, let the tears fall as they may, live the pain,
staring at an image that will exist outside the one dimension only in memory.
I have never felt as broken as I did that day.
Driving down the road to say goodbye,
but I still haven't figured out how to do that yet.
One fucking phone call, a voice I love on the other line, but it wasn't you,
And he was telling me that it never would be again.
I learned what love was by looking in your eyes.
Knew what joy could be by hearing your laugh, feeling your arms around me as we sat and planned and wondered at our friendship.
You told me once that you would always be strong for me when I needed you.
And now I need you.
Because of you.
I can't do this baby boy.
I can't pretend it's okay, say profound things like it was worth it to have known you [it was].
There is no way for me to smile through pain,
laugh without you ever again.
How do I know it's going to be a better world without you to promise it to me?
I've written you about a hundred letters in my mind.
None of them got it quite right,
this has been the worst of all.
But I must face that there can be a million letters,
and I still can't wait, excited, for your response to my words.
I don't have a way to tell you how much I love you.
We always agreed that we didn't have to say it, seeing each others eyes was enough.
So I go to sleep each night, praying to a god that I don't believe in that I will dream of you.
Hoping that maybe then I can hold you while you laugh,
feel your body shake from the happiness in you.
Hear you tell me that you love me, unconditionally -
I always believed it when you said it. No one had ever given me that before, and me trusting it.
I still trust you.
I want you to know that.
I miss you so much that I fear death less today.
I love you so much that I value joy more today.
Tomorrow? I have no idea,
I told you - I don't know how to do this.
So tomorrow will have to take care of itself,
and I'll take care of myself,
But your hands, I'll always feel them on my face when you tell me I make you happy.
There was a night -
it feels like so long ago, but remember? -
we sat outside that dingy hotel room,
it was so warm, that breeze felt so good.
You two had just met,
I remember thinking you would adore each other's company.
But you looked at me, and you told me,
"This changes everything, and I'm not afraid."
And I knew, at that moment, and you saw the knowing in me,
that you had become a man,
the one you wanted to be,
and you were going to love her beyond words, beyond this world.
And you did that baby boy, and I am so proud of you.
Thank you for loving her the way you did,
for making her happy, hearing her dreams,
showing me time and again that hope does exist.
I don't know where she'll go from here,
without you,
but I promise you with all that I am that I will love her as best I can for the rest of my life.
She really is the most amazing woman, isn't she?
We're so lucky to have her in our lives.
So I'll do that, for you, for me, for love.
I don't know when I'll be seeing you again.
There were some questions even we didn't have the answers to.
But I know that I'll go to sleep tonight,
and I'll tell you I love you over and over again,
and if I'm fortunate enough to wake in the morning
I'll spend the day telling people the things that I know.
Things that you taught me.
Joy that you brought me.
And I'll write you again,
probably within the hour,
but this time just for you and me.
I don't know how else to do this.
