Don't have the will to turn my life around

[Mentalhead]

One sentence summary: I'm a polydrug abuser with mental health problems facing jailtime, rehab, and potentially homelessness, and I don't want to quit.

My post is going to be quite an essay, so be prepared.

I'm currently facing charges for felony drug possession and a DUI. I got busted a week ago driving on lorazepam with a few pills (of the same) on me. I'm 19, a university student, and I live with my parents and three siblings. I'm diagnosed with Bipolar 1, ADHD, General Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, and OCD. The minimum sentence for my felony charge is one year and four months in prison. In California, where I live, it's pretty easy to get drug charges dropped if one goes to rehab and stays clean for a while, so I'm looking at that option and talking to some lawyers currently.

I'm not a daily user of anything, but I enjoy opioids and benzo's a lot. The last time my parents found out that I was actively using drugs was last December, when they checked me into a mental hospital after I took 32mg clonazepam and a bottle of cough syrup in one night, and we signed a "family contract" stating that I can't live with them if I do drugs, on my (then) psychiatrist's recommendation. My parents are letting me live with them for now until the legal issues are resolved, but the contract will probably be honored once I'm done with rehab or prison. I could probably still live with them if I promised to try my hardest to stay off drugs, but I don't want to make that promise. Which leads us to my next paragraph...

Despite all this, I don't really want to stop doing drugs. The world is just too boring for me. Even before I started using, being bored has always been incredibly painful to me. A lot of people think that they understand this and feel the same way, but they are able to just push through it, so they assume that the same is true of me. Unfortunately, I've been an easily bored, anxious, and impatient person my entire life, and no amount of trying has fixed this. The fact is, I can't find any way to bring myself to a level of stagnant comfort other than intoxication.

I'm not even a daily user; I hadn't done anything in several weeks before this event, and when I was last using it was only a few times a week at most. However, I'm well aware that if I continue on this path daily use and physical addiction are virtually inevitable. I just don't know what else to do. The only advice anyone seems to be able to give me is things like "just use willpower" or "keep trying, you can do it". Regardless of whether this is what I need to do, the advice means nothing to me.


I'd love to hear from some current or former drug abusers who feel or have felt similarly. How can I learn to enjoy life without drugs? Will prison or homelessness give me some helpful perspective, or just corrupt me further? What the hell am I supposed to do?

Thanks a lot for reading all of that.

 

[villian]

If you arn't ready to stop yet you arn't ready to stop yet.

It took me ten years before I finally got serious about quitting drugs. Tons of horrible shit happened in that time period, but I could never really be bothered to get sober. I didn't finally decide to get sober until my mom died, and she died while I was a filthy junky. Felt bad man.

Anyway, I've noticed that spending some time in jail/prison helps, at least in the short term. I personally never learned from my mistakes that much.

Really though, if you arn't using drugs every day is your problem really that serious? Sounds to me like you are depressed, and simply don't give a fuck.

Best of luck to you man.

 

[Mentalhead]

My problem isn't drug addiction. Drugs are more of a symptom than a cause of the problem, and even so the drug abuse symptom isn't nearly as bad for me as it is for some people; I just know that it will only get worse, and I'd love to get out while I can.

I forgot to mention in the original post that my ADHD/anxiety combination makes it impossible for me to hold a low-end job. I get so bored working that by a month or so in I can't take it anymore, and I would just rather be broke than go to another day at work. I've never faced homelessness before, but I expect that this will remain true even if I literally need the job in order to keep a roof over my head. Not related to your post, Villain, just more information that I forgot to add.

 

[deaf eye]

"I'd love to hear from some current or former drug abusers who feel or have felt similarly. How can I learn to enjoy life without drugs? Will prison or homelessness give me some helpful perspective, or just corrupt me further? What the hell am I supposed to do?"

first i would play the sober game for a bit, till most of this blows over, if you're home and feeling apathetic , its still better than being on the streets or in the clink,

if you are OCD, find something to be obsess about , whatever can make you happy, , graffiti is a great rush and its like dope, once its in your brain, its not gunna leave, but giving your legal situation i'd advise against the illegal side of graff , alot of folks i know who are writers , abused a lot of substances in their teens and early twenties, now they are 100% strait, and just into their letters, and art

when i was down, my girl got me a book 'zen and the art of happiness', it wasnt like a miracle or brought me into enlightenment or anything, but it was a positive force,

i pretty much chill have fun cooking with my girl' going for walks and bike rides my paintings have gotten a lot better, play an instrument

 

[deaf eye]

have you ever got your thyroid levels checked ?

 

[Jabberwocky]

I'd love to hear from some current or former drug abusers who feel or have felt similarly. How can I learn to enjoy life without drugs? Will prison or homelessness give me some helpful perspective, or just corrupt me further?

That is the big question, isn't it. My homeless periods and my jail time were both mercifully short. I'd say though you can make it a huge growth experience or you can let it make you very bitter and as you say corrupt you further. I think the biggest thing I've identified is not to blame. Blaming diminishes one's personal power in ways obvious and subtle. If your mood and disposition become the fault of other people, if one gives up those areas that are truely within your control I think the weight of the lack of freedom in other areas can crush your spirit. Keeping aware that my mood and disposition are mine and in my control was a redeeming grace to me when I was confined in mental hospitals, jail, and homeless.

I'm not saying I never lost it or had bad moods. I think what was important was that I kept affirming that I am the interpreter and through that the experiencer and I am keeping my control of some portion of this shit storm my life has become. If guards, nurses, fellow captives were the determiners of my feelings I would have had truly nothing that was my own.

Kind of related, that is why many of us use drugs to have more direct control of our inner experience.

 

[Mentalhead]

I've never been homeless or imprisoned, but until I've experienced them, I honestly can't convince myself that they're worse than being bored at home. It's honestly torturous to me. I'm sure that's just a naive delusion, but that knowledge doesn't keep me from doing risky things.

I'm not sure if I've ever had my thyroid levels checked, but I've had bloodwork done recently, so I might have. I don't have any weight problems, which I know is a common symptom of thyroid problems.

 

[Mentalhead]

That is the big question, isn't it. My homeless periods and my jail time were both mercifully short. I'd say though you can make it a huge growth experience or you can let it make you very bitter and as you say corrupt you further. I think the biggest thing I've identified is not to blame. Blaming diminishes one's personal power in ways obvious and subtle. If your mood and disposition become the fault of other people, if one gives up those areas that are truely within your control I think the weight of the lack of freedom in other areas can crush your spirit. Keeping aware that my mood and disposition are mine and in my control was a redeeming grace to me when I was confined in mental hospitals, jail, and homeless.

I'm not saying I never lost it or had bad moods. I think what was important was that I kept affirming that I am the interpreter and through that the experiencer and I am keeping my control of some portion of this shit storm my life has become. If guards, nurses, fellow captives were the determiners of my feelings I would have had truly nothing that was my own.

Kind of related, that is why many of us use drugs to have more direct control of our inner experience.

I don't think that I blame other people. I can recognize people who have had negative impacts on my life, but when it comes down to it, the only entity over which I feel powerless is my own psyche. As hard as I try, I can't convince it to enjoy life, be patient, be satisfied with normal activities, and not want drugs.

 

[Lysis]

I understand what you are saying. When I am depressed, there is not really anything anyone can say or do to make me feel better or change my mind about any kind of sad feelings or thoughts. I always have to find it within myself to want to snap out of it.

I still have my episodes, but I try really hard to keep them in check. When something tragic happens, you can't say anything to me to make me change my mind about that "life is shit" feeling.

I guess this isn't really helpful, but I always like to know that I'm not alone, so I just wanted to tell you that I understand how you feel as far as not wanting to get better or think positively.

Edit to say that even though I understand how you feel, I really hope you start to see some kind of positive light. When I finally get the mental strength to say "WTF am I thinking?" and find positivity, it's a great feeling. I hope you can find it too.

 

[Mentalhead]

Thanks Lysis, much appreciated.

 

[Bojangles69]

Mentalhead I must admit buddy that original post was so fucking concise and to the point I give you mad props for that. Its just rare for me to read that much and not get anxious at all through the entire post. Like it just flowed together perfectly the way you explained everything.

You sound more than versed on your life and what your main problems are. I think you are more or less having problems finding the solutions.

You talk about boredom, and how other people don't experience the same boredom, and you are right, but other people also don't turn to drugs like we do. I noticed taking drugs JUST ONCE can make my next 2-3 months that much more "boring". "Wow I felt so good, I was able to do so much, I felt energized and live.." and it just goes on and on in your head making your current life seem much worse than it really is.

Just realize the true role that drugs play in offsetting your ability to be content in life. In all honesty, I would say that you can't really say you're not like those other people, as long as you're still use drugs. You have NO IDEA how those drugs are actually changing your behavoir/personality.
Sure we were all bored and discontent before drugs, but was it REALLY that bad? I look back at my past it can often be hard to know what emotions were ACTUALLY going through my head.
As far as prison that was definitely once force that did not corrupt me. It sucked sure but when I got out I was ready to conquer the world, and I almost did, untill I got off parole and started using again. But prison did actually help me a lot in growing up in general and being smart about things. Prison will also teach you how to live w/out drugs, but whether or not you're happy w/out them is another story. I was able to be happy, but I was also sick of drugs at that point.

I think you should definitely get on some sort of long term med. Lexapro killed a lot of that restless "I always need to be having fun" attitude. It DID make living normal life a thousand times easier.. pretty much to the point where I felt like "one of them" (sober happy people lol).
I think you can benefit A LOT from either an ssri, snri, or dri. Really, they do change your personality a lot and help you cope with life, and you sound like the perfect candidate to try one. Good luck!!!

ps. if theres a lot of typos is just the paws =]

 

[Mentalhead]

I'm currently on Celexa, Depakote, Abilify, and Strattera. My previous psychiatrist thought that medications were the answer to everything, and my current one is trying to lower them to a level that allows me to feel more alive and excited, because the amount of different meds and high doses were making me feel like a zombie for a while. That's been part of why I've been so bored in the past year or so, but it was almost as bad before I went on the meds.

 

[Draigan]

When is the last time you really looked at a flower? Like really really looked at it. Its not boring at all. Just typing on this computer right now is amazingly interesting. The movement of my fingers, the lights, the thoughts, they are all entertaining.

Boredom I think is just another word for craving or unsatisfactoriness. When I used to smoke weed, when I would run out, I would get incredible cravings and drive myself completely nuts looking and craving weed. It wasn't until I thought holy shit I really want some weed that I started feeling "bored."

Some people are naturally more fiendish than others. I used to buy like 20 dollars worth of candy and eat it at one sitting when I was 4. I have always been like this. I eat a lot of sugar, smoke, use the internet too much, drugs, sex etc... all cuz I feel this lacking craving feeling.

Buddha said that the root cause of suffering is craving... So have many many other wise people over the years.

Seeing craving as an affliction, a disease of the mind, and an insanity, definitely gives me a grasp of what is going on here. Can you remember a time when you felt no craving? When you were at peace with what was? At that time, it probably felt like nothing in the world could take that peace away because it was not dependent on outside input.

Thats what you and all of us need to find, a peace that is not dependent on external input. That doesn't mean that one wouldn't explore the world of gain and loss, but it just means that we would not feel the dreaded sufferings that not getting what we want afford us...