Mentalhead
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 28, 2006
- Messages
- 115
One sentence summary: I'm a polydrug abuser with mental health problems facing jailtime, rehab, and potentially homelessness, and I don't want to quit.
My post is going to be quite an essay, so be prepared.
I'm currently facing charges for felony drug possession and a DUI. I got busted a week ago driving on lorazepam with a few pills (of the same) on me. I'm 19, a university student, and I live with my parents and three siblings. I'm diagnosed with Bipolar 1, ADHD, General Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, and OCD. The minimum sentence for my felony charge is one year and four months in prison. In California, where I live, it's pretty easy to get drug charges dropped if one goes to rehab and stays clean for a while, so I'm looking at that option and talking to some lawyers currently.
I'm not a daily user of anything, but I enjoy opioids and benzo's a lot. The last time my parents found out that I was actively using drugs was last December, when they checked me into a mental hospital after I took 32mg clonazepam and a bottle of cough syrup in one night, and we signed a "family contract" stating that I can't live with them if I do drugs, on my (then) psychiatrist's recommendation. My parents are letting me live with them for now until the legal issues are resolved, but the contract will probably be honored once I'm done with rehab or prison. I could probably still live with them if I promised to try my hardest to stay off drugs, but I don't want to make that promise. Which leads us to my next paragraph...
Despite all this, I don't really want to stop doing drugs. The world is just too boring for me. Even before I started using, being bored has always been incredibly painful to me. A lot of people think that they understand this and feel the same way, but they are able to just push through it, so they assume that the same is true of me. Unfortunately, I've been an easily bored, anxious, and impatient person my entire life, and no amount of trying has fixed this. The fact is, I can't find any way to bring myself to a level of stagnant comfort other than intoxication.
I'm not even a daily user; I hadn't done anything in several weeks before this event, and when I was last using it was only a few times a week at most. However, I'm well aware that if I continue on this path daily use and physical addiction are virtually inevitable. I just don't know what else to do. The only advice anyone seems to be able to give me is things like "just use willpower" or "keep trying, you can do it". Regardless of whether this is what I need to do, the advice means nothing to me.
I'd love to hear from some current or former drug abusers who feel or have felt similarly. How can I learn to enjoy life without drugs? Will prison or homelessness give me some helpful perspective, or just corrupt me further? What the hell am I supposed to do?
Thanks a lot for reading all of that.
My post is going to be quite an essay, so be prepared.
I'm currently facing charges for felony drug possession and a DUI. I got busted a week ago driving on lorazepam with a few pills (of the same) on me. I'm 19, a university student, and I live with my parents and three siblings. I'm diagnosed with Bipolar 1, ADHD, General Anxiety Disorder, Panic Disorder, and OCD. The minimum sentence for my felony charge is one year and four months in prison. In California, where I live, it's pretty easy to get drug charges dropped if one goes to rehab and stays clean for a while, so I'm looking at that option and talking to some lawyers currently.
I'm not a daily user of anything, but I enjoy opioids and benzo's a lot. The last time my parents found out that I was actively using drugs was last December, when they checked me into a mental hospital after I took 32mg clonazepam and a bottle of cough syrup in one night, and we signed a "family contract" stating that I can't live with them if I do drugs, on my (then) psychiatrist's recommendation. My parents are letting me live with them for now until the legal issues are resolved, but the contract will probably be honored once I'm done with rehab or prison. I could probably still live with them if I promised to try my hardest to stay off drugs, but I don't want to make that promise. Which leads us to my next paragraph...
Despite all this, I don't really want to stop doing drugs. The world is just too boring for me. Even before I started using, being bored has always been incredibly painful to me. A lot of people think that they understand this and feel the same way, but they are able to just push through it, so they assume that the same is true of me. Unfortunately, I've been an easily bored, anxious, and impatient person my entire life, and no amount of trying has fixed this. The fact is, I can't find any way to bring myself to a level of stagnant comfort other than intoxication.
I'm not even a daily user; I hadn't done anything in several weeks before this event, and when I was last using it was only a few times a week at most. However, I'm well aware that if I continue on this path daily use and physical addiction are virtually inevitable. I just don't know what else to do. The only advice anyone seems to be able to give me is things like "just use willpower" or "keep trying, you can do it". Regardless of whether this is what I need to do, the advice means nothing to me.
I'd love to hear from some current or former drug abusers who feel or have felt similarly. How can I learn to enjoy life without drugs? Will prison or homelessness give me some helpful perspective, or just corrupt me further? What the hell am I supposed to do?
Thanks a lot for reading all of that.