I had a big eye opener yesterday...
I have intractable anxiety, panic attacks and depression.
I have taken literally almost every psych drug in existence.
I thought I had come to terms with the abuse I received as a child, but I havnt at all.
At 35 years old, I am still the little boy, desperately seek approval from a father who is an abuser.
It is too easy to take a pill and try to medicate your feelings away. To confront the abuse is painful,
There is no chemical imbalance, there is no genetic problem.
Being abused by a care taker during your childhood leaves you feeling like nothing, less than nothing. it opens a hole inside you that can never be filled.
Worse, it leaves you with guilt and self blame. This feeling as though you deserved it or that the abuse wasn't that bad and that your problems are just a further indication of how little value you hold as a human being.
It leaves you with a rage inside you that has no focus, so you turn it in on yourself and it consumes you.
Somehow you can never get your head quite around it. Somehow I always made excuses for him while never sparing myself. You want to keep the family happy, so you bury it, rationalise it, dismiss it, you push it down down down and search for answers anywhere but there.
And because it hurts so much to go back there, because you feel guilt at the thought of upsetting him and the family you push it down down down, and you become complicit in your own abuse.
To go to that place is to go back to the abuse, to go back to being a powerless child.
Facing down this man today when he started his.screaming and yelling over a triviality ( as it always was) made me realise that this is exactly what you need to do
He won't admit what he did, he would rather keep the fiction going , to keep the fragile father/son adult relationship in its current form than ever be honest with himself let alone me.
Now he is weak and I am strong. I don't owe him anything just because he bares the title "Dad".
He is an unrepentant child abuser and no matter what I do or say, he will never change and never be a father and I will never get what I need from him.
There will never be closure, not even on his death and there will continue to be a scar that runs through my life from what I had to endure. I will never get over it, not fully.
But I hope that I can move forward from here
I have intractable anxiety, panic attacks and depression.
I have taken literally almost every psych drug in existence.
I thought I had come to terms with the abuse I received as a child, but I havnt at all.
At 35 years old, I am still the little boy, desperately seek approval from a father who is an abuser.
It is too easy to take a pill and try to medicate your feelings away. To confront the abuse is painful,
There is no chemical imbalance, there is no genetic problem.
Being abused by a care taker during your childhood leaves you feeling like nothing, less than nothing. it opens a hole inside you that can never be filled.
Worse, it leaves you with guilt and self blame. This feeling as though you deserved it or that the abuse wasn't that bad and that your problems are just a further indication of how little value you hold as a human being.
It leaves you with a rage inside you that has no focus, so you turn it in on yourself and it consumes you.
Somehow you can never get your head quite around it. Somehow I always made excuses for him while never sparing myself. You want to keep the family happy, so you bury it, rationalise it, dismiss it, you push it down down down and search for answers anywhere but there.
And because it hurts so much to go back there, because you feel guilt at the thought of upsetting him and the family you push it down down down, and you become complicit in your own abuse.
To go to that place is to go back to the abuse, to go back to being a powerless child.
Facing down this man today when he started his.screaming and yelling over a triviality ( as it always was) made me realise that this is exactly what you need to do
He won't admit what he did, he would rather keep the fiction going , to keep the fragile father/son adult relationship in its current form than ever be honest with himself let alone me.
Now he is weak and I am strong. I don't owe him anything just because he bares the title "Dad".
He is an unrepentant child abuser and no matter what I do or say, he will never change and never be a father and I will never get what I need from him.
There will never be closure, not even on his death and there will continue to be a scar that runs through my life from what I had to endure. I will never get over it, not fully.
But I hope that I can move forward from here
