Done with it all

[washingtonbound]

I’m realizing as each day passes that I have no reason to be here and haven’t wanted to be here for at least fifteen years now. There were some good memories in childhood, but from adolescence on it’s been one hellscape after another. First high school and then spending ten years failing to move forward in any kind of meaningful job and career.. I just don’t get the point.

I’ve mentioned how I’ve had episodes of drug induced psychosis before, but now I think that even if that didn’t occur, I’d be in the same place more or less. I think the bullshit concept of working to maintain a life you didn’t ask for to begin with is just pathetic. I recently moved back in with my mom and I notice how everyone who works for her tries to rip her off all the time for the bullshit jobs they do and it makes me feel almost violent. I also hate listening to people’s gossip, it really makes me want to shut everyone out entirely. Point is, I’m having a hard time adjusting to the fact that I have no life and had to move back to the small town I’m from that I can’t stand.

I am still unemployed, losing tolerance for society more and more as time goes on, going to bed earlier and earlier cause there is no point to me in being awake. I recently came back from traveling and saw some of the worst slums I’ve ever seen in Brazil, it makes me not really want to go to lat am anymore. A couple pieces of shit also robbed me in Buenos Aires. I am just sick of everything. Don’t enjoy going out, have no friends whatsoever. I have trust issues with women and don’t want to date anyone either.

I am a pretty sorry excuse for a person, dependent on family at 29 and have no goddamn life at all. Getting sick of having to feed myself each day and everything feels like a chore. Anhedonia seems more pronounced as the days go on. I have also been sober for two weeks, cutting out my last vice (nicotine). It hardly seems worth it. Just needed to rant I guess.

 

[steewith2ees]

Well, I am here

Just wanted to let you know someone is reading. I doubt I can improve things but as I try and gather some thoughts Ill edit.

Things do sound like they have fucking sucked but whatever you are, pathetic is not, in my limited opinion, the impression you make

 

[MedicinalUser247]

You'll get through it. Believe in yourself.

 

[ageingpartyfiend]

also listening

I know things really are shit, but don't understimate for one second nicotine withdrawals supreme ability to make shit feel way outta proportion

around 8 weeks until thinking even remotely clearly ime, so at least give things until then to see how the land lies

 

[Tranced]

Those issues tou mentioned you have. Resolve them. Focus on that. Life is beautiful. Death is unknown.

 

[-=SS=-]

I am a pretty sorry excuse for a person, dependent on family at 29 and have no goddamn life at all. Getting sick of having to feed myself each day and everything feels like a chore. Anhedonia seems more pronounced as the days go on. I have also been sober for two weeks, cutting out my last vice (nicotine). It hardly seems worth it. Just needed to rant I guess.

Everything you stated in your rant is valid. I feel the same way and have done for 20 years, this society we inhabit is a pile of garbage run by cross eyed little nitwits. But cut yourself some slack on the vices my friend, I've done the same in the past.. when you try to stop vices you'll hear these little thoughts trying to piggy back in on your (valid) feelings about society, that try to balloon your negative mood in order to nudge you back in to the vice.

Give yourself time to dry out and get your head straight (from the vices). Your feelings about the world will probably still be there, but you will begin to develop more power in yourself and those little nagging thoughts will subside.

Also, there are millions of people out there just like you now. You are not alone, even if you can't see them. Even if you can exist out of sheer spite, do it. The fact there are so many shows that it's not your fault.. this society is a pile of garbage and has betrayed young people.

 

[washingtonbound]

Everything you stated in your rant is valid. I feel the same way and have done for 20 years, this society we inhabit is a pile of garbage run by cross eyed little nitwits. But cut yourself some slack on the vices my friend, I've done the same in the past.. when you try to stop vices you'll hear these little thoughts trying to piggy back in on your (valid) feelings about society, that try to balloon your negative mood in order to nudge you back in to the vice.

Give yourself time to dry out and get your head straight (from the vices). Your feelings about the world will probably still be there, but you will begin to develop more power in yourself and those little nagging thoughts will subside.

Also, there are millions of people out there just like you now. You are not alone, even if you can't see them. Even if you can exist out of sheer spite, do it. The fact there are so many shows that it's not your fault.. this society is a pile of garbage and has betrayed young people.

The extreme lack of connection I feel gets to me some days more than others. The only person I speak to is my mother, I had one friend who I met in Colombia who is a total prick now because of his opiate addiction. Last time I saw him, he made me pay him for a bottle of wine I barely drank that he offered to me, doing everything he could to get money for pills. Charged me to stay in his house a couple nights. Fuck that, I’m not gonna deal with that bullshit.

I think a lot of the people who think like me aren’t out in public much so are harder to engage with. I’m getting to where I don’t really go out at all either. Only things I enjoy nowadays are hikes in nature and surfing when I can. But when I return to the daily grind in society, I become repulsed again and start fantasizing about leaving it.

 

[paltatomate]

extreme lack of connection I feel

i have connection issues, too, and the general ideal that being "connected" is so ultra important in life made me doubt myself a lot.
but you know what? the moment i accepted that maybe not being able to really connect is a part of me that i can't change, the bad feeling about it went away.

Life is beautiful. Death is unknown.

i'm not fully behind the phrase "live life in the here and now" because we need out past experiences, and we need to plan a little ahead (not 10 or more years, though). but it has it's value in so far that it takes only a shift in perception to see beautiful things instead of bad ones. like this here:

Only things I enjoy nowadays are hikes in nature and surfing when I can.

especially walks in nature provide you with a lot of beautiful things, and if you observe nature you will notice how the different species interact and how things are changed by those interactions. one of the things that helped me a lot when i was recovering from a mental health issue was watching sea gulls, and dogs (not just mine). to this day i can sit and watch my dogs do their dog things alone or with each other, or see how the plants and trees in my backyard change every day. it fills me with joy.
and for that moment at least i do feel connection.

But when I return to the daily grind in society, I become repulsed again and start fantasizing about leaving it.

i have the same thing.
but it got better, no idea yet if it was moving to a place where people function at much less "modern" level, or if it's having found this forum (because it really helped me with the connection thing and probably still does) or if it's just that things got overall less stressful after all the covid restrictions were lifted.
before that, i had my own "feel good" space. which helped a lot, but completely withdrawing from society won't make you any happier.

 

[-=SS=-]

The extreme lack of connection I feel gets to me some days more than others. The only person I speak to is my mother, I had one friend who I met in Colombia who is a total prick now because of his opiate addiction. Last time I saw him, he made me pay him for a bottle of wine I barely drank that he offered to me, doing everything he could to get money for pills. Charged me to stay in his house a couple nights. Fuck that, I’m not gonna deal with that bullshit.

I think a lot of the people who think like me aren’t out in public much so are harder to engage with. I’m getting to where I don’t really go out at all either. Only things I enjoy nowadays are hikes in nature and surfing when I can. But when I return to the daily grind in society, I become repulsed again and start fantasizing about leaving it.

Being out in the Sun and alone by the river is my escape these days (and cathartic writing here on BL). But as I get older, I realize that actually I never was truly introverted or misanthropic by nature.. only that my environment forged me a certain way, and that I never got the positive reinforcement I needed at the time to gain any momentum. Now that I'm older, have a greater command of language and confidence, just keeping my head up, making eye contact, and the heart open.. interactions happen.

Still, being in the UK, the majority of people are quite beaten down.. just going to and fro.. we have a collective issue with emotional openness. But that's ok, if you make eye contact and they can't reciprocate a smile or you don't feel they are connecting.. then you just glide past. You learn quickly who is receptive and who is not. Then it's just one more step to "how's it going?".

I'll give you an example. While walking by the river the other day, there was a fisherman. An older, stern looking man, possibly ex-military or something. He had two massive German Sheppard dogs with him, both energetic, and barking at me as I approached to walk past him. I just kept calm, kept a little distance between me and the dogs, and walked on. On the way back, the two dogs basically blocked the path, barking and everything, and I just stood there and let them come up to me. Holding a non-aggressive, quiet assertiveness - usually I'll stare dogs down, in a non-aggressive way, and they'll just tire themselves out yapping at nothing, but I wasn't doing that with these two lol. The guy apologized (he was busy taking a piss). I could have just said "no worries" and moved on, but I just threw it out there, "how's it going?".

We spent about 20 minutes chatting. I let him talk about his fishing, something I have no interest in. We ended up talking about the state of things, how it's a fucking disgrace, and how young people like yourself are being betrayed. Thing is, he felt good getting that off his chest and so did I. I don't get much social interaction owing to circumstances, so I notice the glowing effect those interactions have on me afterwards.. it's like mild MDMA. It doesn't solve everything, most times if I try and broach my subject areas it either falls on deaf ears or whatever, but it is what it is.

The point is though, sometimes you have to be the one to take the initiative and create the space for magic to happen, the space for others to step in to. As painful as it has been going this way round, I have something (and you will too) that those who had it handed to them won't have.. and that's a deeper understanding of the processes behind human interaction, because you are forced to figure it out. If you can learn to keep an open heart, you may not have great riches in life but your life will be rich in a way that can't be bought and sold.

 

[washingtonbound]

Being out in the Sun and alone by the river is my escape these days (and cathartic writing here on BL). But as I get older, I realize that actually I never was truly introverted or misanthropic by nature.. only that my environment forged me a certain way, and that I never got the positive reinforcement I needed at the time to gain any momentum. Now that I'm older, have a greater command of language and confidence, just keeping my head up, making eye contact, and the heart open.. interactions happen.

Still, being in the UK, the majority of people are quite beaten down.. just going to and fro.. we have a collective issue with emotional openness. But that's ok, if you make eye contact and they can't reciprocate a smile or you don't feel they are connecting.. then you just glide past. You learn quickly who is receptive and who is not. Then it's just one more step to "how's it going?".

I'll give you an example. While walking by the river the other day, there was a fisherman. An older, stern looking man, possibly ex-military or something. He had two massive German Sheppard dogs with him, both energetic, and barking at me as I approached to walk past him. I just kept calm, kept a little distance between me and the dogs, and walked on. On the way back, the two dogs basically blocked the path, barking and everything, and I just stood there and let them come up to me. Holding a non-aggressive, quiet assertiveness - usually I'll stare dogs down, in a non-aggressive way, and they'll just tire themselves out yapping at nothing, but I wasn't doing that with these two lol. The guy apologized (he was busy taking a piss). I could have just said "no worries" and moved on, but I just threw it out there, "how's it going?".

We spent about 20 minutes chatting. I let him talk about his fishing, something I have no interest in. We ended up talking about the state of things, how it's a fucking disgrace, and how young people like yourself are being betrayed. Thing is, he felt good getting that off his chest and so did I. I don't get much social interaction owing to circumstances, so I notice the glowing effect those interactions have on me afterwards.. it's like mild MDMA. It doesn't solve everything, most times if I try and broach my subject areas it either falls on deaf ears or whatever, but it is what it is.

The point is though, sometimes you have to be the one to take the initiative and create the space for magic to happen, the space for others to step in to. As painful as it has been going this way round, I have something (and you will too) that those who had it handed to them won't have.. and that's a deeper understanding of the processes behind human interaction, because you are forced to figure it out. If you can learn to keep an open heart, you may not have great riches in life but your life will be rich in a way that can't be bought and sold.

I appreciate your input. Honestly I am not that severe on an antisocial person either. I’m really struggling now with worsening OCD tendencies, and my poor mental state tends to make others seem worse, when the reality is that I do appreciate a good conversation. I have not had luck with traditional therapy or medication, and it seems to be worsening very rapidly now, so I have to do something.

I am feeling hopeless because I simply hate my mind, and the instability it causes with my emotions. I realize the problem is mostly me, although there are a lot of shitty people around, there are certainly good ones as well that are well worth the effort to engage with.

 

[deficiT]

I feel you here dude. If it makes you feel better, the amount of people our age that are dependent on family for a place to live is incredibly high right now. Older people maybe don't understand that, but even renting an apartment is incredibly difficult at the moment. You need decent credit to buy a house and thousands of dollars saved up. This just isn't realistic for a lot of people. It's not your fault that the real estate market is fucking us all up. So, i mean give yourself a break, at least on that one.

I've spent most of my life cycling through periods of hopelessness and reckless self harm. It's ok. Find something that is important to you, and get involved. If you are relying on a job or base life achievements to bring you happiness, you will be disappointed again and again. Those things are nice to have, but they will never bring your life meaning.

My suggestion would be to read more. Philosophy, psychology, spirituality, and other similar fields all center around life's meaning. And its different for everyone. Do some studying on something you haven't read before. It might not bring you enlightenment overnight, but you'll be on the path towards expanding your understanding of the universe and your place in it.

 

[-=SS=-]

I appreciate your input. Honestly I am not that severe on an antisocial person either. I’m really struggling now with worsening OCD tendencies, and my poor mental state tends to make others seem worse, when the reality is that I do appreciate a good conversation. I have not had luck with traditional therapy or medication, and it seems to be worsening very rapidly now, so I have to do something.

I am feeling hopeless because I simply hate my mind, and the instability it causes with my emotions. I realize the problem is mostly me, although there are a lot of shitty people around, there are certainly good ones as well that are well worth the effort to engage with.

You got to be good to yourself, to your mind and body. Do whatever you can to ensure you get proper sleep, diet, and exercise a little. I know it's cliché and all, but it has a huge effect. The other one is sexual frequency, too much can have a detrimental affect. Getting all that balanced out will help balance out your mental turbulence. It won't necessarily fix it all, but on the other hand if you make that stuff a priority it will become a point of focus for you, and that in itself will help stabilize your mental state too - we can only generally focus on one train of thought at a time, if you're too busy looking after yourself you won't have time to engage with the negative train of thoughts.

Maybe you're doing that already. Shits tough right now for most people, there's no two ways about it.. the people who run this place have fucked us.

 

[-=SS=-]

after i had hit rock bottom i decided eventually to move to a new city and for ten years i did nothing but stay busy, even distanced myself from strong emotions by staying so busy. and without knowing it the problems i had at the moment were no more. perhaps if you can stay busy at something that takes you out of yourself in some ways. like teaching (anything) or offering your services in some capacity to others. but staying busy and accountable to a schedule. how some things resolve themselves of their own and the compass is reset in time wiithout our even knowing

Indeed - "The devil finds work for idle hands". Sometimes you have to leverage and game what we are. Hypnosis can be useful in that regard (you can self-hypnotize), as can meditation, learning to lucid dream, basically any process that can help you find you amongst the thoughts.

Find a way to take that energy, that frustration you feel, and spin that mother fucker around and make it the work horse and not let it drive you.

 

[garygroundwork]

I’m realizing as each day passes that I have no reason to be here and haven’t wanted to be here for at least fifteen years now. There were some good memories in childhood, but from adolescence on it’s been one hellscape after another. First high school and then spending ten years failing to move forward in any kind of meaningful job and career.. I just don’t get the point.

I’ve mentioned how I’ve had episodes of drug induced psychosis before, but now I think that even if that didn’t occur, I’d be in the same place more or less. I think the bullshit concept of working to maintain a life you didn’t ask for to begin with is just pathetic. I recently moved back in with my mom and I notice how everyone who works for her tries to rip her off all the time for the bullshit jobs they do and it makes me feel almost violent. I also hate listening to people’s gossip, it really makes me want to shut everyone out entirely. Point is, I’m having a hard time adjusting to the fact that I have no life and had to move back to the small town I’m from that I can’t stand.

I am still unemployed, losing tolerance for society more and more as time goes on, going to bed earlier and earlier cause there is no point to me in being awake. I recently came back from traveling and saw some of the worst slums I’ve ever seen in Brazil, it makes me not really want to go to lat am anymore. A couple pieces of shit also robbed me in Buenos Aires. I am just sick of everything. Don’t enjoy going out, have no friends whatsoever. I have trust issues with women and don’t want to date anyone either.

I am a pretty sorry excuse for a person, dependent on family at 29 and have no goddamn life at all. Getting sick of having to feed myself each day and everything feels like a chore. Anhedonia seems more pronounced as the days go on. I have also been sober for two weeks, cutting out my last vice (nicotine). It hardly seems worth it. Just needed to rant I guess.

Bro we have all been there.

I will say this though... I am very suprised Brazil didn't make you happy. You should try Thailand.

I get the women part, lots of them are cunts. There are good ones too but they are getting harder to find due to social media ruining the world.

You live in a decent city or a backwater?

Without knowing your context I would say try find a purpose or a goal. Something to work towards. I know ur gona say there is nothing...

i dont know man. I would of said travel but sounds like you don't like it.
sports, gym... maybe money. maybe hunker down somewhere remote and make big money in oil fields.
tinkering on cars, real estate, reading, day trading, studying something
i'm thinking out loud here without knowing you.

everything is a process and takes time and discipline

you are young man. you got time. dont stress. i think we all go through this.

 

[washingtonbound]

Bro we have all been there.

I will say this though... I am very suprised Brazil didn't make you happy. You should try Thailand.

I get the women part, lots of them are cunts. There are good ones too but they are getting harder to find due to social media ruining the world.

You live in a decent city or a backwater?

Without knowing your context I would say try find a purpose or a goal. Something to work towards. I know ur gona say there is nothing...

i dont know man. I would of said travel but sounds like you don't like it.
sports, gym... maybe money. maybe hunker down somewhere remote and make big money in oil fields.
tinkering on cars, real estate, reading, day trading, studying something
i'm thinking out loud here without knowing you.

everything is a process and takes time and discipline

you are young man. you got time. dont stress. i think we all go through this.

I appreciate your input. I am mentally unstable and miserable everywhere after a while. But in regards to Brazil, I thought there were some great people there, but the poor areas are a different type of hell if I’ve ever seen one. Porto Alegre in particular was one of the worst places I’ve ever seen. I stayed in a nice neighborhood in São Paulo for a while, but if you get in the wrong area.. holy shit it’s nasty. Florianopolis was safer, but a lot less friendly people and I found it overrated. Curitiba is mostly a dump, and I heard gunfire outside my hotel one night.

I am worried about my own worsening health, and am aware at this point that no place in particular will solve it. Although I’m 29 I feel about 50. Thirty psych ward visits has about turned me into mush mentally. I worry that I have some kind of dissociative disorder that’s caused the psychosis. My mood swings are arbitrary and extreme. I don’t know what to do to improve my situation.

And my mom lives in the middle of nowhere in SW FL on a small island, doesn’t help much I guess. It’s a retirement town.

 

[paltatomate]

I am mentally unstable and miserable everywhere after a while.

so maybe you are somebody who needs constant change.
that's ok.
you wouldn't be the first one.
that doesn't make you "mentally unstable" but i understand how it can make you miserable if you don't get the change you need. and as consequence you feel mentally unstable.

i get that society has certain expectations, and if your mom is the go-to person in your life, and she lives in a place where people are older and most probably have a set idea about what milestones someone has to reach at a certain age (school, college, job, marriage, kids, house...) it can be difficult to see that those milestones are artificial.

 

[Halif2]

I’m really struggling now with worsening OCD tendencies, and my poor mental state tends to make others seem worse, when the reality is that I do appreciate a good conversation. I have not had luck with traditional therapy or medication, and it seems to be worsening very rapidly now, so I have to do something.

I am feeling hopeless because I simply hate my mind, and the instability it causes with my emotions. I realize the problem is mostly me, although there are a lot of shitty people around, there are certainly good ones as well that are well worth the effort to engage with.

Good perception.

When our minds are discordant we sometimes fixate on the negative things we see in the outside world (and there are plenty of them), and it can be hard to get a clear sense of reality when you are viewing it through a dark filter. At least you have some insight about this which might help you avoid actively creating bad situations.

I can relate to some of the things you've written. I wish I could offer some useful words, but I haven't found any answers myself (and even if I had I don't know if they'd be transferrable to your specific situation).

For what it's worth, I wish you all the best.

 

[kiely]

I don't even know if it is the night or the day. Is the moon out.

 

[kiely]

I had a terrifying trip. But it kind of helped me with it all.


Take care and be kind to yourself and all.

 

[kiely]

It's windy here. Really windy.

I'm scared of the wind. It's really creepy.

There was an earthquake in Nevada.

I hope it's not heading this way now.

Take Care.