Does it ever get better?

[Relapz]

I don't want to be negative, I usually have a pretty good outlook on life. I am somewhat half full half empty type of person.

A little background: I've been an opiate addict since 18, starting with oxys then to heroin, suboxone and methadone in the mix. I am now 24.

I've relapsed 7 times, the longest clean time I've had was 6 months.

I currently have 2 months pending some charges.

So my question... Do the thoughts ever go away? Does this ever get easier? I've done AA, hobbies, mindfulness, thought recognition, I feel like I know recovery like the back of my hand.

I know drugs and alcohol will never improve the quality of my life and that I am 100% a drug addict / alcoholic who cannot use in safety.

So...

Is there any hope? Despite being locked up, homeless, almost dying, overdosing, held at gun point, etc, the works...

Does this ever get easier? Why do I still want to get high after all of the bullshit it's put me through.

Am i destined to be a heroin addict until it kills me or I die from related causes?

Please shine some insight because these 60 days are feeling pretty worthless to my heroin dealer down the street.

And I want this, but if I can't find happiness and peace in sobriety, why wouldn't i go back to what numbs the pain? The instant gratification? Any insight / experience would be huge, this is life and death for me.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

yeah but it takes a lot longer thank you'd think

I'm at 23 months

 

[herbavore]

So my question... Do the thoughts ever go away? Does this ever get easier? I've done AA, hobbies, mindfulness, thought recognition, I feel like I know recovery like the back of my hand.

I know that it may feel like you have tried all this and that it must not be working but in fact it takes a while to change old habits in the mind. Keep using those tools, the change may be frustratingly slow and subtle but simply by persisting you are heading in the right direction. Not only that but if you can focus your thoughts on the fact that you are building skills rather than undermining your own heroic efforts.

Is there any hope? Despite being locked up, homeless, almost dying, overdosing, held at gun point, etc, the works...

Does this ever get easier? Why do I still want to get high after all of the bullshit it's put me through.

Am i destined to be a heroin addict until it kills me or I die from related causes?

No! You are not destined but you are in serious danger. Part of healing from addiction is healing from all the trauma, guilt and pain that addiction itself seems to set into stone in the mind. Start challenging those thoughts whenever they arise. Nurture your will to change. Accept the uncertain and uncomfortable emotions as part of the process. A friend of mine once told me that all trauma exists on the surface--we all have a deeply peaceful place inside. learning to access that no matter what life is throwing at you is the goal.

And I want this, but if I can't find happiness and peace in sobriety, why wouldn't i go back to what numbs the pain? The instant gratification? Any insight / experience would be huge, this is life and death for me.

Sure, on one level you have become accustomed to instant gratification. But you have also seen just how long that numbing lasts and it is getting shorter and shorter isn't it? You may believe that you cannot be happy sober but neither your mind nor your body has been given the chance to try that out for truth. (PAWs is a real thing and 6 months is not enough time to really get through all the physical and psychological changes after 6 years of use).

I hear the exhaustion and the despair in your voice and I really feel for you. You are young and no matter what you have done--even a record--can be undone. What kind of support do you have right now?

Feel free to PM me any time.

 

[cj]

I think your farther along in your recovery then you might think. Your post shows that you have broken through the fundamental denial that heroin addiction brings. The thought that you can live a normal life and still use. Now that your past that you can focus on the nuts and bolts of change. Like why are you not happy without heroin? What steps are you willing to take in order to bring happiness to your life? If you start focusing on that question and gradually put your dreams into practice then I guarantee you the thoughts of relapse will become more manageable. Its really hard but so is supporting a heroin addiction. So you are more accustom to doing hard things then you realize right now.

 

[diuqil]

You need to give yourself credit too. Just having realized that you are in danger, and that you want better for yourself, you've made brilliant progress! Yes, it gets easier, you're probably going to be a mental wrecking ball for months after the physical side subsides, but you will find the strength to use that wrecking ball in a positive light if you so choose to do so. Guilt is a heavy burden, one that your soul carries alone until you decide to lift it away and be free of it. Guilt is a thing that only allows you to live in the past, because you keep focusing on what it is that makes you feel the way that you do. When you can get outside, do it, look around, appreciate the true beauty of the world and know that it exists for you. Addiction is a challenge, for many it is the greatest challenge that they ever face, but one thing that I've noticed in every addict that has walked the duration of recovery lane, they ALWAYS come out as a better version of themselves. I know you can do it too, please hang in there and please try your best to not give in to those cravings. If you do, realize that it's only as bad as you make it, and try again when you're ready. It is a process, and you make progress each step that you make, whether you feel like it's the wrong way or not, it is still progress, still something that happened to you on your way to recovery. Take each day as easy as you want or as hard as you want, but take solace in that it does get easier!

 

[Jabberwocky]

I don't want to be negative, I usually have a pretty good outlook on life. I am somewhat half full half empty type of person.

I can understand you don't want to be negative and hate on yourself, but in reading your post that is exactly what I see you doing. Try and recognize you feel the way you do about yourself. Just because you have a thought doesn't mean it is true. Just because you feel a certain way about yourself doesn't mean that is all you are.

A little background: I've been an opiate addict since 18, starting with oxys then to heroin, suboxone and methadone in the mix. I am now 24.

I've relapsed 7 times, the longest clean time I've had was 6 months.

I currently have 2 months pending some charges.

I am sorry you have so much shit to deal with. These challenges are intense. I frankly have no idea how I'd handle myself in your shoes, so however you're taking care of yourself I give you a lot of credit. How are you staying clean?

So my question... Do the thoughts ever go away? Does this ever get easier? I've done AA, hobbies, mindfulness, thought recognition, I feel like I know recovery like the back of my hand.

Yes! Yes! YES! The thoughts definitely go away. My teacher with over thirty years of sobriety can attest to that. I can also attest to it and I have nowhere nearly as much time away from harmful substances as he does. It also does get a lot easier.

There are ups and downs in recovery, it isn't all smooth sailing. The thing is, it feel so great to overcome all the terror my addiction has wrought. It feels so wonderful to surmount the challenges and overcome whatever obstacles life throws my way now that I'm well into overcoming the shit I caused myself while I was using.

I know drugs and alcohol will never improve the quality of my life and that I am 100% a drug addict / alcoholic who cannot use in safety.

So...

Is there any hope? Despite being locked up, homeless, almost dying, overdosing, held at gun point, etc, the works...

Does this ever get easier? Why do I still want to get high after all of the bullshit it's put me through.

Am i destined to be a heroin addict until it kills me or I die from related causes?

Please shine some insight because these 60 days are feeling pretty worthless to my heroin dealer down the street.

And I want this, but if I can't find happiness and peace in sobriety, why wouldn't i go back to what numbs the pain? The instant gratification? Any insight / experience would be huge, this is life and death for me.

Please try and be kinder and gentler with yourself. There are reasons - good, logical, thoughtful reasons - you turned to substances to regulate your mood. Don't denigrate your drug use, if got you this far. Of course, this isn't where you want to be. You are capable of so, so much more. The thing is, you have to do this thing for yourself. No one can recovery for you, just as no one can somehow force you to be authentic. You are so, so, SO much more than just an alcoholic or drug addict. I can see this clearly for myself, and I don't even know you. I hope you begin to find a path to see this for yourself!