JessFR
Bluelight Crew
So here's the thing, I'm 27 now.. I had joined bluelight having just turned 24, 3 years ago as of tomorrow I just noticed.
From what little I remember of ages 0-13, it was almost never ending chaos, yelling, traumatic experiences, shit like that.
13-18 was a little better, outside some more really shitty additional traumatic stuff around 16-17. Better, but not much.
19-early22 really really sucked. Got extremely depressed, My recreational occasional drug use became use of hard drugs which I still haven't kicked.
I tried to kill myself, I ran away from home (assuming it counts as running away after 18, I didn't exactly move, I packed a bag and disappeared). Spent a little time homeless.
I bring this up to bring up some context as to why maybe I feel like I'm losing my mind today.
So anyway, was homeless, and I met a guy, nicest, kindest guy I've ever met. Same age as me, really cute, we were friends immediately. He convinced his horrible mother and much nicer father to take me in for a while, so I'd have somewhere to stay till I found a place to live.
A couple months passed and he told me he loved me, I soon after fell in love with him. And so a couple years later when his parents divorced we found our own place to live. That was almost 3 years ago. We've lived together ever since. So, we've been together 5 years, and still love each other, we have our problems, money troubles, regular couple drama's. But overall my life for the last 3 years has been very comparatively stable, safe, and for the most part I have almost everything I ever wanted, barring being out of poverty, and that's only because all the money I get that doesn't go to my half of bills or rent I spend on drugs or cigarettes. Technically I'd still be in poverty if I didn't, but only marginally.
But something feels wrong, a feeling of unease, sort of like feeling like you're trapped in a room, a really nice room granted, with all the amenities you want. But it's so quiet, and a part of you feels driven to leave it even if it's so much safer there, even though by and large you like it there. I feel this compulsion to run away again. I don't want to leave him or break up, I still love him as much as I ever have, more than I've ever loved anyone, more than I love myself. So why do I feel this way?
By all objective markers our lives would be substantially worse if I ran away, so I don't. But it's like this nagging compulsion constantly in my mind anyway. I feel totally ungrateful for everything I have, correction, I AM totally ungrateful. I have a good friend in jail and I'm complaining that my life has been too good for too long? And most people probably wouldn't say it's THAT good, I'm a 27 year old high school dropout drug addict, but it feels a lot better than my life used to be. What is wrong with me. This is why I ask under the relative anonymity of bluelight, has anyone else here felt something like this? What did you do, what do you think? Why do I feel the urge to run from what I have for the stupidest of reasons.
Could it be I lived with chaos and shit for so long that now that it's gone I feel empty without it? That sounds retarded. I haven't forgotten what it was like, I'd be insane to want it back. I'm not going to do it, I just don't wanna feel like this.
From what little I remember of ages 0-13, it was almost never ending chaos, yelling, traumatic experiences, shit like that.
13-18 was a little better, outside some more really shitty additional traumatic stuff around 16-17. Better, but not much.
19-early22 really really sucked. Got extremely depressed, My recreational occasional drug use became use of hard drugs which I still haven't kicked.
I tried to kill myself, I ran away from home (assuming it counts as running away after 18, I didn't exactly move, I packed a bag and disappeared). Spent a little time homeless.
I bring this up to bring up some context as to why maybe I feel like I'm losing my mind today.
So anyway, was homeless, and I met a guy, nicest, kindest guy I've ever met. Same age as me, really cute, we were friends immediately. He convinced his horrible mother and much nicer father to take me in for a while, so I'd have somewhere to stay till I found a place to live.
A couple months passed and he told me he loved me, I soon after fell in love with him. And so a couple years later when his parents divorced we found our own place to live. That was almost 3 years ago. We've lived together ever since. So, we've been together 5 years, and still love each other, we have our problems, money troubles, regular couple drama's. But overall my life for the last 3 years has been very comparatively stable, safe, and for the most part I have almost everything I ever wanted, barring being out of poverty, and that's only because all the money I get that doesn't go to my half of bills or rent I spend on drugs or cigarettes. Technically I'd still be in poverty if I didn't, but only marginally.
But something feels wrong, a feeling of unease, sort of like feeling like you're trapped in a room, a really nice room granted, with all the amenities you want. But it's so quiet, and a part of you feels driven to leave it even if it's so much safer there, even though by and large you like it there. I feel this compulsion to run away again. I don't want to leave him or break up, I still love him as much as I ever have, more than I've ever loved anyone, more than I love myself. So why do I feel this way?
By all objective markers our lives would be substantially worse if I ran away, so I don't. But it's like this nagging compulsion constantly in my mind anyway. I feel totally ungrateful for everything I have, correction, I AM totally ungrateful. I have a good friend in jail and I'm complaining that my life has been too good for too long? And most people probably wouldn't say it's THAT good, I'm a 27 year old high school dropout drug addict, but it feels a lot better than my life used to be. What is wrong with me. This is why I ask under the relative anonymity of bluelight, has anyone else here felt something like this? What did you do, what do you think? Why do I feel the urge to run from what I have for the stupidest of reasons.
Could it be I lived with chaos and shit for so long that now that it's gone I feel empty without it? That sounds retarded. I haven't forgotten what it was like, I'd be insane to want it back. I'm not going to do it, I just don't wanna feel like this.
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