Do you care what others think of you?

[Eveleivibe]

Hiya,

This is on my mind n rather than ruin the nice, chill-out positive vibe that's going down in Gibs right I thought I'd make a thread - and we can share our thoughts, feelings n experiences on the matter (if we so wish).

For me it's always been an issue what others think about me n what others say.

I would ask people who didn't seem to care what others thought of them n they'd say "you'll stop caring as you get older life changes you." Well many years have gone by n nothing has changed, well maybe slightly. I used to go into a shop n if tbey shop assistant's tone was off with me or summit, I'd think over it for ages, analysing if they like me or not, what I may have done well etc, etc. i don't do that now but that may be due to the suboxone given me extra confidence.

Anyway awhile back I came across a woman whom was in recovery from co-dependency. And she was forever saying the following quote:

"It's none of my business what other people think of me."

I could never get my head around that because to me, I feel that it is my business what they think or if others discuss me as it is about ME. If anyone can actually help me get my head around that, it would be appreciated.

Another quote which i do understand is "if you other people's thoughts, opinions affect you you're letting them enslave you." Its not the correct quote i can't remember the exact words but it's something around those lines.

So yea, let's have your thoughts, eh!

Do other people's thoughts of you bother / affect you?
Did they once but not now?
Have they never bothered you "if they don't like me they can do one! ?

Over n out!

Evey

 

[Sammy G]

Generally speaking, the people who feel the need to express their dislike for me openly are the very people I'd cross the Pacific on a flimsy raft in order to avoid having to converse with anyway. Or maybe not. Maybe I'd just give them a nod and walk by. Less effort, and probably safer.

If somebody I genuinely like turns out to have a problem with me which they feel they can't discuss, yes, that's upsetting. Luckily I've only had it happen once or twice, but it was far more destructive than a thousand people calling me 'cunt' - which is a middle-class southern English person's idea of a hurtful word - or taking the piss out of my parentage, medical condition, drinking habits, dress sense, or whatever.

In the past, I've invited dislike and disdain as a sort of socio-psychological game. Whether that was a good approach to life, I'm not sure, but it sure filtered out a lot of fucking planks and bozos. As well as some good folk, no doubt. Which is a shame.

I spend far too much time thinking about how somebody in particular feels about me, but that can't really be helped. Believe me, I tried. Luckily she tells me all the time anyhow. At least for now.

 

[p4nda]

HATERS GONNA HATE

Don't care anymore, caused plenty of shit in my past too.

People have made up so much stuff about me in my past it's just unbelievable what have i heard lol. Someone even told my dad once i was doing h when i was in my pot extravaganza 8) and that person NEVER met me. Drug awareness in Slovenia. Don't leave the house stoned cause you look like a h addict

There's so much better things to do than to care about what other people gibber about you, their loss of time.

 

[Sammy G]

Oh, IRL I've had AIDS, I've had Hep C, I've been a fascist, I've been a communist, I've been a 'terrorist', I've been a cult leader...

On BL I've been both misogynist and ultra-femininst, influenced every unpopular decision since early 2010 (even long after I quit staff), I've hacked various computers and phones despite barely being able to hack my way through the long grass... you get the picture. :D

 

[ponch]

I think everyone does care to a certain degree, I care so little about what most people think it barely registers. The more I care about someone the more i'm bothered what someone thinks.

I've come to accept that certain people don't really get/appreciate my kind of humour, and if they don't i'm not too bothered about speaking to them.

 

[masaz]

Yeah I care, but not as much now as I did when I was younger. I care a lot less about what strangers think about me, and if someone criticises me I can take it fairly well and not react in a hilariously awful fashion to it, which is nice.

 

[p4nda]

Oh, IRL I've had AIDS, I've had Hep C, I've been a fascist, I've been a communist, I've been a 'terrorist', I've been a cult leader...

On BL I've been both misogynist and ultra-femininst, influenced every unpopular decision since early 2010 (even long after I quit staff), I've hacked various computers and phones despite barely being able to hack my way through the long grass... you get the picture. :D

Hahahaha, i get it

 

[Shambles]

I think everyone does care to a certain degree, I care so little about what most people think it barely registers. The more I care about someone the more i'm bothered what someone thinks.

I'd say that sounds just about spot on for me too. The only people whose opinion of me matters to me in the slightest is that of people I care about and the more I care the more their thoughts, feelings and opinions matter to me in general and that includes what they think about me.

The opposite is also true, of course, and I've often noticed that those people who really do have a big problem with me are generally people I would struggle to be aware of existing if they were stood directly in front of me in flourescent clothing with big flashing neon arrows pointing at themselves whilst a list of their grievances against me scrolled on an endless loop on a cinema screen behind them.

Unless a person has enough about them to prick my interest in regards to whatever it is they may think about me I can't really see why I should, would - or even could - have the slightest interest in it. It tends to be rather common that people who have especially negative - or probably excessively positive for that matter - views about a person generally don't really know that person very well so it's not so much a true opinion with a basis in anything as it is a constructed fanatsy version conjured up to fit the needs of the person who holds the opinion.

 

[Shambles]

"It's none of my business what other people think of me."

I could never get my head around that because to me, I feel that it is my business what they think or if others discuss me as it is about ME.

Are you really suggesting you should be a party to every thought in a person's head that relates to you? That you should be present for any discussion that you are not taking part in in which you are mentioned? Do you believe the same is true for others? Do you always tell everybody you know every single thing you ever say about them when they are not present? Do you always tell people exactly what you think about them - what you truly think about them - to their face, and then whenever you change or amend that opinion of them in any way do you go find them and tell them what you now feel? Do you see how this type of thing could cause problems in society? Not to mention how immensely complex, dull and filled with unending and interminably pointless drama life would become?

It is none of your business what other people think of you simply because other people's thoughts are private and belong to them not to you. It really is that simple.

 

[Eveleivibe]

Ugh. People are too complex.

But when you phrase it like that - I do understand where you're coming from.

Edit; I'll be honest I've a major issue with being discussed, friends discussing me n trying to find out what's been said... and due to this impacted on friendships. I think that this stems back from my first job. Before this point I thought that everyone was nice and trustworthy. I was basically naïve and stupid. So I wen to this job, thinking that everyone was my friends, wore my heart on my sleeve and told them literally EVERYONE that I was feeling. It was a very stressful job and people were backstabbing, literally competing to get rid of people they didn't like (no word of a lie). One woman even manipulated me against another to get rid of her, I didn't realise at the time, thought I was helping out and was absolutely devastated at the result - the demoted her and she ended up leaving (will leave out the whole details as it'll take ages to right), I was devastated because this woman was lovely, really kind and helped me. Anyway that one who had manipulated me (and I thought was nice and caring) changed overnight once she became a manager. She was really nasty, got a lot of her own family in, things I told her thinking I was a friend, she was documenting all the time. I was totally oblivious to this, I thought she was just a lovely person who was annoyed at management for messing things up and wanted to make everyone happy again. So anyone she ended up leaving and the friend (who had left) came back, told me she hired some bloke to help me and the day my Nain was in hospital dying of a stroke, told me I was sacked. I was absolutely devastated and stressed to hell. When I tried contesting it turns out they had documented every single conversation I'm made with them stupid stuff like when I was stressed I said something silly like "I was I still on benefits because this is really stressful" she really empathised with me, encouraging me that "things will be ok" etc... Yes I shouldn't have said those things I've learn the hard way but it was a hard way to learn that people can't be trusted...

And I really would like to get a half way point as I've gone from totally trusting people to being paranoid of what people are saying about me and if they're out to get me in some way.

Evey

 

[alasdairm]

evey, please tell me everything you've ever thought about me. also, everything you have ever said about me to anybody else. also, please forward any emails or pms in which you have ever referred to me (if any).

thanks.



alasdair

 

[Eveleivibe]

OK then I'll tell you the stuff that won't get me infracted. I feel that you're a good admin who gets a lot of unnecessary abuse for no reason, especially when you do not deserve it. I have said to snolly I could not understand why you PMd me about stuff n not anyone else as I felt over certain stuff. That's basically it really. I've mostly stuck up for you as far as I can remember.

Evey

 

[ThePharmacist4925]

Sometimes I'm really concerned with what others think of me and most days I could give a shit. I'll always be concerned with what some people think of me and I'll never care what most people think of me. In truth I don't feel it's my business what someone else thinks of me unless their opinion of me is negative and they verbalize this to other people. If someone has a negative opinion of me and keeps it to themselves so be it. It's a complicated issue because I'm pretty sure everyone cares what other people think about them to some degree or another, I mean I'd wear sweatpants and a T-Shirt to a 5 star restaurant if I really didn't care what the hostess thought of me, but I wear a dress shirt and slacks because I want the hostess to let me into the restaurant. Now I don't give a shit if said hostess likes me, but I care that I'm deemed worthy of being served dinner. I'd drive a lot faster if didn't care that the police think me to be an upstanding citizen. And I actually make an effort to know my local police officers because I want them to like me if I ever get into a bind where they might possibly choose to look the other way. But I could give a fuck neighbors think of me. So I'd be hard pressed to find anyone who completely manages to avoid caring what others think about them. Sorry for being long-winded.

 

[alasdairm]

OK then I'll tell you the stuff that won't get me infracted. I feel that you're a good admin who gets a lot of unnecessary abuse for no reason, especially when you do not deserve it. I have said to snolly I could not understand why you PMd me about stuff n not anyone else as I felt over certain stuff. That's basically it really. I've mostly stuck up for you as far as I can remember.

it was kind of a heavy-handed rhetorical question to make a point. not very well, it seems

i agree with shambles - what other people think of me is none of my business. indeed, what other people think of me isn't (somewhat paradoxically) even about me. it's about somebody else's perception of me.

i know we've discussed 'the four agreements'? i think the 2nd agreement is spot on:

Don’t Take Anything Personally

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

i recognise that it's hard in practice.

i think eleanor roosevelt said it beautifully: "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent".

If someone has a negative opinion of me and keeps it to themselves so be it.

why only a negative opinion?

alasdair

 

[koneko]

It's just thoughts isn't' it - just random thoughts coming from someone's head, you have no control over. Most of us don't even have any control over our own random thoughts.... synapses snapping, bubbles, noise, images, feeling, connections, nonsense...mostly. It's that non stop train of consciousness that we pay far too much attention too.

It's not the important stuff and can be so distracting we sometimes think it is meaningful!

Try mindfulness meditation. I like that.

I'm more stuffed by social and performance anxiety otherwise I don't give a shit about all those mindless thoughts that spew forth from my brain or others. However, some I can capture and twist into creative innovation action, that's always fun

 

[Eveleivibe]

Good to see ye again, Kate. You ok? I was saying earlier EADD missed you as you're like a flower to the place

Apologies I did not read all your stuff (drunk, sorry) but I caught mindfulness. A colleague who's bipolar is currently doing that course.... and my key worker advised me to do it. What do you think of it?

Evey

 

[Eveleivibe]

Sometimes I'm really concerned with what others think of me and most days I could give a shit. I'll always be concerned with what some people think of me and I'll never care what most people think of me. In truth I don't feel it's my business what someone else thinks of me unless their opinion of me is negative and they verbalize this to other people. If someone has a negative opinion of me and keeps it to themselves so be it. It's a complicated issue because I'm pretty sure everyone cares what other people think about them to some degree or another, I mean I'd wear sweatpants and a T-Shirt to a 5 star restaurant if I really didn't care what the hostess thought of me, but I wear a dress shirt and slacks because I want the hostess to let me into the restaurant. Now I don't give a shit if said hostess likes me, but I care that I'm deemed worthy of being served dinner. I'd drive a lot faster if didn't care that the police think me to be an upstanding citizen. And I actually make an effort to know my local police officers because I want them to like me if I ever get into a bind where they might possibly choose to look the other way. But I could give a fuck neighbors think of me. So I'd be hard pressed to find anyone who completely manages to avoid caring what others think about them. Sorry for being long-winded.

Hiya, ThePharma,

First off, Welcome to Bluelight. This place with ace - full of decent people, support, caring, honest and entertaining...

Now we've got this bollox out of the way (I mean it, you can PM me anytime if you want help with owt) you make some valid points. In terms of the authorities we must care what they think. For instance, we do not wish to be arrested, we do NOT want our kids taken from us etc, etc. In this instance what people think of us / judge us, matters, whether we like it or not- it JUST DOES! Some strange affects our lives... In terms of the other exemplar you identified, yes you've a valid point, and I HUGELY admire you for. I don't really go into a five star restaurant but if I did I would probably be all dolled up n stuff---the fact that you went there how you felt unfortunately, despite what others thought, I admire you because I could not do that. On the Internet I can be 'me,' but in real life, without suboxone, codeine, or any other form of opiates I'm so nervy, uncomfortable it's unreal..... I just nod n agree with everything everyone says because I'm so incredibly frightened of conflict....

Evey

 

[Shambles]

... I'd wear sweatpants and a T-Shirt to a 5 star restaurant if I really didn't care what the hostess thought of me, but I wear a dress shirt and slacks because I want the hostess to let me into the restaurant. Now I don't give a shit if said hostess likes me, but I care that I'm deemed worthy of being served dinner.

This intrigues me. So you don't care what the human being tasked with deciding whether or not you get in to eat that night thinks about you but you do care that you can meet the arbitrary set of criteria the company she works for set. Is this actually caring what others think? If so it seems to me that you believe that you are somehow inferior to this restaurant (as strongly suggested by the wording of your last sentence up there) yet a resteraunt is not a human being and it has no feelings.

I think what I'm wondering about is the connections and differences between caring what individual people think and what overall scoiety (or at least some fraction of it) thinks about you. Surely societal groups are made up of individuals so it really should matter what individuals think. At what point does it stop mattering individually and why does society think differently? And who decides what society thinks about a person given each person is an equal part of any given society? I'm surely over or underthinking this but that just strikes me as deeply odd. Not unusual cos I'm sure plenty would do the same but definiitely odd.

 

[moshforjesus]

growing up i didn't care at all about what people cared about me. it was a personality trait i was quite proud of. i care a little too much nowadays if i'm honest, i can get quite paranoid and end up overthinking trivial things. recently cut back on the amount of weed i smoke and thats definitely helping.

 

[Eveleivibe]

I spent hundreds of pounds trying to get tattoos lasered off because I worried what other people thought, met some bloke from Rochdale off the net, who offered to give me a lift to Bolton..... Now I embrace my 11+ tattoos, as they're a part of me. Took a long time, but I spent £100+ getting my sleeve done which includes the name "EVELEIVIBE" because it meant a lot to me and FUCK anyone who has an issue with my tattoos. They're a major part of me. If people have an issue with them, what am I meant to do?!

No way am I going through laser treatment again.

Evey