I do not identify with being an addict, as I view the term as being shame filled and stigmatized.
I have had long periods of using where my substance use would very obviously meet criteria for severe addiction.
In 2016-2017 for the majority of the two years I used IV meth daily. I used around 1200mg of codeine daily and when I didn't use that and when I could access it, a couple of points of IV heroin. Also had a 6 month period of blackout Xanax use with alcohol. Weed was a constant presence as well.
I was so heavily addicted and at such risk of adverse life experience that my GP at one stage had me come in for weekly check ups so he knew I was still breathing due to his concerns about my out of control drug use.
While my use while attending at uni classes was fairly restricted, as I was not gunning to get caught being a junky and would therefore only shoot up single points at a time during class breaks, I would escalate my use at night or mix it with codeine or heroin.
At the last stage of my use in August 2017 I had a two week bender where my two uni mates went overseas and my housemate went home interstate so no one was around who previously was curtailing my intake. I used loads of heroin for a week, then used from between 500mg to 800mg of meth increasing daily for 4 days or so. By the 12th day of the fortnight I saw myself in the mirror suddenly and realised I had lost significant amounts of weight and figured out I'd basically forgotten to eat for a full two weeks.
Made a split second choice that weekend I was home whether I would return to class and uni and face my two friends who had been pressing me to accept their help for months, or stay home and display the same lack of self control and eventually be turfed by my long suffering and absurbly patient housemate who put up with the worst of me but who would no doubt eventually get sick of my bullshit.
I picked going into class. Got interrogated by my friend who was previously in the military about exactly what I spent 2 weeks doing and in exactly what amounts and finally disclosed to him I was using heroin and other opiates too, which caused him to tell me he couldn't help with both heroin and meth and wasn't able to help me at all despite wanting to until I mentioned I could go on suboxone like I did when I was 17.
Got on suboxone, a month and a half or so later I was starting intensive outpatient rehab which I brought up to that friend and showed him the pamphlet for to discuss whether it would be good for me.
For the 2 years I was in intensive outpatient I used here and there, slipped on meth a few times and had a year of heavy DXM and alcohol use. Then went to a different outpatient and still used meth here and there and later slipped up on poppy seed tea twice ending up on suboxone both times.
My biggest issue was my friends heavily involved themselves in my recovery and wanting to help by any means necessary, which I do appreciate bit they were in retrospect wildly unqualified to manage my substance use or the reasons behind it. They accidentally created a two tier system regarding drugs whereby IV meth and heroin were off limits and resulted in immediate intervention in my life like picking me up and having me stay with them for a week at a time, but if I smoked weed, drank DXM, alcohol, or did benzos, or took non heroin opiates I got nothing more than a slap on the wrist.
The issue this eventually created was that my brain knew that when I wanted to engage in any substance use to avoid trauma memories, or engage in extreme self punishment (which are my main two driving causes rather than any specific love of the drugs) that I could choose from any of the low tier substances and I would get nothing more than a word to not let it escalate further. This meant that the entire time I engaged in rehab, the actual cause of my substance use was never ever addressed at all and I simply substituted less frowned upon behaviours in to the place or IV meth and heroin which were understandably disliked by my loved ones due to the risk they posed to my health.
The outcome of this was that when I relapsed on IV meth after a full 18 months off it, the longest I'd ever been, I was back into it as much as I'd ever been before because my actual problem was never dealt with. It's only been since December that I've had any success making any progress with my use, monitoring it, restricting it when I need to, and limiting it.
I told all my friends they're not to pass comment on my drug use nor try to fix it, but that I will remain always honest with them about my drug use should they ever ask which is a promise I've always kept. I never lie about my use and my friends actually don't care all that much about my being an IV meth user as they know I'll seek help when I need it and they know I don't lie about using or try to hide it so my substance use doesn't have the same aura of deceit that it previously did back in 2017 especially, according to them.
I also told them that the two tier system needs to finish and they have to treat all drugs I take as the same as any other. This means I get the same treatment and attitude from them when I smoke weed as if I shoot meth because there is zero difference in why I use the drugs, they're all the same to me and it really just comes down to access.
I use once a week to a fortnight now, IV meth. I can have an alcoholic drink on a night out with friends and not engage further. I don't smoke weed nor use DXM, and I'm on maintenance therapy for opiates. Meth I can go for extended breaks with if I so choose.
Addiction is not a life long curse. It is absolutely possible and actually more common for people with substance use to learnt to moderate, 12 step programes just want you to think otherwise because otherwise their super perfect best ever number one program of abstinence doesn't have the success rate they claim.
And before anyone jumps in with the statement 'well then you never had a real addiction' trust me, I did. I just know I have the power to exercise self control these days and have dealt with most of my trauma so have far less of a reason to use and frankly I tire of the group of 12 step adherents who are so constitutionally incapable of admitting that they simply aren't willing or able to exert a modicum of adult self control over substance use that other people who had Addictions just as bad learn to adhere to, that they can palm off as drug use never being a choice, and if it's a choice for you then you weren't a 'real addict'. Newsflash guys, no one is forcing the substances into your open mouth. No one made you inject that needle. No one made you take that drink. In every situation, in order to physically consume any substance a person needs to make not one single choice several connected choices, which if they made any one of differently they wouldn't have used.
It is literally always a choice. And passing the buck and saying it isn't absolves yourself of personal responsibility for your actions.
There is nothing wrong with making a choice. It actually means you *do* have control over substances and can next time choose not to use another time and call it quits after one night. Imagine that. Crazy huh.
