If you want to have a relationship with him, by all means. However, he will never be a dad in the sense you may want/wish he could be. He could also just be an asshole.
Don't rush into a decision. This could be good for you or bad for you and it's hard to say cause every situation is different. Likely there will be some uncomfortable feelings no matter what. It depends what you want out of this contact with him. It seems like it would be easy to be disappointed (again).
I couold easily be disappointed again....but I think this shall provide closure at least if I do it, but the thought of it really makes me shake with fear. He beat the shit out of me (and only me, never my brother as I later found out that my brother isn't even his son) so much but this was 10 years ago. People change.....I think this is wishful thinking maybe
Argh, this is a tough one. I had a similar upbringing to you, my dad was a violent alcoholic who started leaving bruises on me when I was 8 months old and finally left when I was 7 years old (though I had to see him for "visitation" once a month or so, and came home physically sick, vomiting from fear & anxiety every visit). I am 40 now, and I cannot say that I have gained any sense of closure or peace regarding my relationship with my father (whom I have not seen or spoken to in almost 20 years). I know a lot of essentially fatherless men and women, and the fact is, it can leave a gaping hole that never heals. To me, it feels like one of my biggest weaknesses, this daddy-hunger that I still have as a grown woman. I will be visiting his city (far from me) in a few weeks time, for the first time in years, and when I was asked if I was going to contact him, the vision that popped into my head was this horrible treacly Hallmark-y image of us walking together, his arm around me, protecting me, caring for me, etc. and I wanted to punch myself in the head for still being so fucking weak and needing him.
So my advice might be a little different from "he's a cunt, you don't need him." Of course you need a father. Everyone does, man or woman. But we don't always get what we need or deserve. A good dad provides you with a sense of security and protectedness in the world at large throughout your entire life. Ideally, he's the guy you call when your car breaks down or you need help with some DIY, or someone offers you a good business opportunity and you don't know whether to take it or not, etc. I think you should try to talk to him, and keep trying for some kind of relationship. It may take time, but remember that if he's a net negative in your life, nothing says you have to keep him in it. Over many years I've come to see that my father -- though a horrible, abusive, nasty, sadistic fuckwit -- had his own demons, grew up in abject poverty in an over-crowded Irish Catholic ghetto, was raised by a violent alcoholic father and mentally ill mother, etc. Do you know anything of your own dad's personal history?
It's probably too late for me...I suspect that the next time I see my dad he'll be in a coffin and that'll be a proper mind-fuck as well. You have, presumably, years ahead of you to forge a relationship that works for YOU. Good luck, my friend. I don't know you, but I am genuinely hoping for a good outcome for you.
Thank you so much for the lengthy reply, your concern fills me with so much respect for you, i appreciate it alot......its your experience that I am most interested in tbh. My dad was an alcoholic who kicked fuck out of me but he seems to have changed maybe? I apparently have a little sister now that he has had with some woman, he could have grown up....Ive spent so long burying the past....drudging it up could be the hardest thing, but it could provide closure.
With respect to his childhood, he had a perfect upbringing and was actually a spoiled brat whose mother would constantly run after his every command. He was a bodybuilder also so was a typical powertripper with an insatiable ego to match.
Its sad that your situation is the way it is, and i know EXACTLY what you mean about wanting/needing the daddy-hunger thing. I used to cry and cry and cry because my mum bcame an alcoholic who literally never spoke to me or saw me or left her room except for more booze so I essentially parented myself for a while and despite what he did, I craved the protection and i felt so alone. I would see my friends (i had a habit of making friends with richer children with perfect 2.4 children nuclear families and nice fathers - go figure) with their dads and I know its wrong, but I would be so jealous over that. They never had any troubles at all and I would see em complain that they didnt get enough pocket money from their parents that week. I would just scream inside thinking "You have so much but dont even realise", do you know what i mean? It wasnt right to think that as problems are subjective I guess. Petty of me.
I really feel like i'm missing a part of my confidence/developed courage and strength due to being raised only by my mum and myself mainly. I am crippled with fear if i see a drunk man in the street, if someone shouts at me I shake like a leaf (but when i flip, i completely lose it and go too far, yknow). Pathetic of me.
Well it might be a good thing to meet up with him once? Not giving him another chance, but see if he wants one, see if he has changed.
I don't think you've got nothing to lose on this one, you need
someone, right?
Thanks so much, i think you are right. Ive got nothing to lose, you are spot on.
He sounds like a proper cunt so i wouldnt bother with him at all. Why make contact with some twat who made your life hell for 10 years? People like that seldom ever change they just get older and burn out.
I never really had a dad growing up either. He wasent a prick or anything really he just was never there so i always tell people i was just raised by my mom. I have no regrets about it really and i might be stronger today for it.
Noted. Thanks for the response man. I do think being fatherless can either make you stronger or much weaker....its kinda been both for me. All in all, I actually think it possibly made me stronger....definitely more psychotic and desensitized to absolutely everything. I bottled in my emotions so much that I now feel very little emotion for anything. Im glad you found solace in your situation though man.
Everybody deserves a good father growing up, so they can lead them in the right direction, and be a good role model. Myself, I didn't have much of a father. He was a nice father for the time he was alive, but he never tried his hardest to make sure I was doing the right thing. He died when I was 14, I've never been the same
Im really sorry to hear that. Was your mother there for you? Thats a real shame he was taken from you at that young age, i dont know what to say
*hugs*
I think we need good relationships, and if your dad provides that, GREAT! But if he doesnt, than he just plain doesn't. YOu cant make something out of nothing. If I were you, I would probably just visit him once in a while. And I would go to the meeting with him(in a public place) Just for fun and to see what happens. Are you a guy or a girl btw?
Bye
Im a 20yr old guy. Thanks so much for your reply and taking the time out your day. Im thinking you are right, if the thought of seeing him didnt cripple me with fear, then I would do it soon but it will take some time to build the courage. I will meet him in my favourite bar, if anything, probably get ridiculously drunk to quash the nerves.
I didn't say the OP doesn't (/didn't) need a father.. i said he isn't one. IMO blood means nothing.. it's actions that count.
+ I don't think everyone NEEDS a father.. Alot of people grow up fine without one.. Also, i think it's normally made into a bigger deal because we live in a society where having a father is the norm, and so children without one will always have something in the back of there mind about it causing problems in itself..
Edit: Paranoid Android got it in one
Thanks for your thoughts there man, its kinda made me feel better that I am not missing out on too much and I didnt really need him. I grew up just fine, i hope. Albeit alot of issues with depression/anxiety but im not a bad guy and would never hurt anybody intentionally. It almost seems the norm these days to not have a father around. We're a generation of men raised by women (in the words of Tyle Durden).
Cheers though man.
You don't
need to have a relationship with your father. Well in a way you two still have a relationship, as you still have memories and emotions that you associate with him even if you are not in contact. But the typical nuclear family is just a social construct.
If you think it would be beneficial to meet them there's nothing wrong with that. But don't expect anything from him, some people will not change. I spent a long time hoping that I would have a relationship with mine but it always remained superficial and he continued to be like he always was, so I no longer make any effort to contact him.
Good luck whatever you do
The memories and emotions I have are extremely negative and harrowing. It would be nice to change that....thank you for your concern and replying, it means alot
I will report back with whatever i do....
Thanks everyone for your replies. I have come to the concllusion, as horribly scary as it is, that I will indeed go for a drink with him. I dont know whether ill be angry or how to act. I can see myself potentially forgiving him entirely and letting him off with everything and jst being glad of seeing him, which is fucked up given what he was like. I dont know....
it might not sound like much of a problem and I really appreciate everything you've all said. Thank you 
