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Do I dare taking MDMA again? (Searching for Harm reduction advices)

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Red Dragonfly

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Dec 7, 2024
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I'm sensitive to substances in general. The last time I took MDMA I candyflipped. The doses of both LSD and were low (50 ug LSD and 72 mg MDMA). I'd taken MDMA three times in life before that, 1 month between two of the rolls and 3-4 months between the rest of them. My biggest dose was 200 mg. It was way to much for me. On every roll I've had quickly passing anxiety and nausea 1-3 times. But on the candyflip the anxiety didn't pass and got worse the days after. It went so bad that it ended with a visit to the psychiatric hospital. It felt like a mix of a MDMA comedown like I'd taken too much MDMA and PTSD symtoms from the LSD peak that wasn't a good experience. It was the first time I've tried that dose of LSD, I had only tried 25 ug LSD before that, and I added the MDMA 4 hours after. Three months after the candyflip I'm still vulnerable. My mental health wasn't perfect before the candyflip so I guess the candyflip made things come to surface even more. In retrospect the candyflip was a bad idea. It was the urge to boost the little MDMA I had left that gave me the idea, and that I've had good and therapeutic experiences on LSD and MDMA separated. It was the low doses that made me undestimate the risks.
It was three months between my last rolls (including the candyflip). During that time I used kratom regularly. I also used it the days after the candyflip to try to calm myself down but instead it made the anxiety worse. Then I realized I cannot use kratom anymore after the candyflip cause after that, it only gives me anxiety. I've also tried 5-htp for two weeks to recover in terms of sleep and mental stability. It seemed to help first but one week after quitting it I've had a crash that made me feel like I was back on square one in my recovery.
My reactions on kratom and 5-htp make me wonder if my serotonin receptors are affected in some way, I guess overstimulated. At the moment I've cut all drugs including alcohol and only use caffeine rarely. I will never mix drugs again and think that I'm too sensitive for tripping. I'm even afraid of taking MDMA again if I've crossed some border with it and won't tolerate it anymore. At the same time I want to try it if I get the chance to find MDMA again some day and when I've had a long break from it, to see if it just was the combo with LSD that made things bad last time.
All MDMA I've taken was from the same dealer, in the form av crystals in clear capsules, once EZ-tested as "medium high MDMA content".
Based on what I've told about myself and the circumstances, what do you think caused my bad reaction to MDMA the last time I took it and how can I optimize my conditions before doing it again? Should I even? I know I only can get speculations without any guarantees but it would help me a lot anyway.
 
I think the standout thing here is "It went so bad that it ended with a visit to the psychiatric hospital."

So I would suggest you keep doing what you're doing and stay off the drugs and psychoactive herbs. I'm not saying you can never take MDMA again but I would give it a few years at least.

Work on yourself and get your highs through exercise, social interaction, meditation. You know, the boring stuff. That won't fuck you up.

This is just my opinion of course but my advice is don't gamble with more than you're afraid to lose. Once you feel your sanity start to slip it is indeed a horrible feeling.

Best of luck in your recovery,

BB
 
Thanks for your reply. My original plan was to just take M once since it was on my bucket list as something I wanted to try once in life. So taking it more than once wasn't in my original plan at all. But the first time I'd took a too small dose, the second time a too high dose and after the third time I wanted to experience that perfect level high again 😏And once I've experienced M the thought of never experiencing it again came with a feeling of emptiness. Even after this last experience it's hard to close the door to further M use completely. Sounds like a good idea to at least wait as long as possible if ever doing it again. Not worth gambling with mental health.
 
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What you described happens sometimes; I have yet to experience that but I have read several reports from/of people who kinda know what they are doing, suddenly have roll that reveals something in their soul and they struggle to cope with it and recover. Or something like that. Particularly mixed with LSD, things can happen.

BadBoy said it well. Take it easy. Whatever you do. <3

Since developing deep psychological trauma, I have not been able to trip like I did before; standards for set and setting are much higher, I can get easily derailed on trip and spiral rapidly and lose sense of security for weeks and I trip more often just alone because people are easily too much. I used to always carry benzo with me to take trip down if necessary, but since last fall I have finally been able to trust myself enough to not demand that. I have had since then single one kinda meh trip where I was stuck with trauma triggers for a while and it annoyed me bad time.

The point is, I think I understand you. And if you are vulnerable like this, it does not help you to push the envelope. I have had to humble down and slowly work my way through obstacles, it has took years of work.
 
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I feel like something has happened with my limits too, in the way I react to kratom after the candyflip. How would I react to M then? That's the main reason why I don't dare to take M again soon, since it's a stronger substance than kratom.
It wasn't so bad that I needed to be hospitalized at the psychiatric hospital, but I needed something so I could sleep during the acute phase. Still the reaction is a clear message of something I guess. Maybe therapy is a good idea.
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If you take a big dose of MDMA and are uncomfortable afterwards maybe something has come to the surface. If you can consciously let go of it then do so. Otherwise therapy sounds like a good alternative.
 
Red Dragonfly said:
I feel like something has happened with my limits too, in the way I react to kratom after the candyflip. How would I react to M then? That's the main reason why I don't dare to take M again soon, since it's a stronger substance than kratom.
It wasn't so bad that I needed to be hospitalized at the psychiatric hospital, but I needed something so I could sleep during the acute phase. Still the reaction is a clear message of something I guess. Maybe therapy is a good idea.
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Forever is a long time. Don't worry about the long term future. Maybe you'll get to a point where you can safely use these drugs again, maybe not. I'd lean towards the former if you don't tempt fate again until you've given yourself time to deal with any damage, neurological or psychological.
 
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