yoUr bLiSS
Bluelighter
1'st time DMT + 2 days no sleep = HOLY FUCKING SHIT I HAVE LOST MY MIND!
alright guys. let me set up the situation first so it all makes more sense. it was sunday morning in the woods at a psy-trance party. we had been partying since friday night, i had been up since friday morning. this was due mainly to speed.
bear with me it's long...i need to see how it all played out and came to be to completely understand and accept it.
NOTE** this is not typical. i use speed ocasionally, but i had never been up this long. i see speed as a bit of a demon, and the fact that i was still awake due to my own actions kind of freaked me out**
ok...let's break this down a little better.
part 1 "the set-up"
friday night: simply amazing.(speed, pot, alcohol) i met beautiful people, and the boy i came with was really into me. kissing me, hugging me, his arm around me. it made me feel good. at some point we went back to the van to catch a bit of sleep before his sunrise set. HE KNEW NOTHING OF THE SPEED.
saturday morning
speed + pot) laying awake in the van for an hour of bliss entwined in his arms the twilight hour arrives. i kiss my boy and sneak out of the van eager to climb a mountain(outdoor party tradition) and watch the stars disappear. i write some poetry and feel extremely happy on that mountain. everything is perfect. the sun is beginnig to rise so i hurry back to get my boy up. perfect timing he is just walking out. i hug him and things seem great. his sunrise set is amazing. his usually dark style had a new energy, a new emotion. i watched the sun come up in complete awe. for the first time i welcomed it, embraced it. i never felt more happy, nor connected to the world and myself ever in my life. i really felt myself beginning to fall for this boy. we still had the whole weekend to connect and explore each other. i was bliss.
saturday afternoon lots of alcohol, pot) the boy seems a little strange...distant. the affection from last night seems to have vanished. we lay out a blanket under a tree to take a nap. he naps, i write. he wakes up. still distant. i urge him to come be sociable. he says no. so i take off and an warmly invited into his group of friends. they give me food(yuck!) smoke me out and offer me drinks. i have an amazing time with these people. i make some real connections. the boy finally comes. i still sense something wrong. yet i push it aside because this is when i meet my twin soul. a girl a few years older then me whom everyone says i remind them of. she is one of the boys best friends. she is me in every sense. dark yet happy. we dance the same. i feel instantly and innately connected. time spent with her makes up for time not spent with him.
saturday evening: (no drugs, some alcohol) i had every intention of taking a nap this evening. i thought the drinking/pot would wear me out. WRONG! so come saturday we need to head off to this other party. i finally confront the boy. he mumbles some bullshit about some other girl he also likes (she's not there) and does not know where we stand.
ESSENTIAL FACTS: i told him from the start i was not looking for a relationship. he pursued me. he invited me this weekend. he never brings girls i was told..especially someone new. he walked a mile and rode 2 trains just to see me last week. something in my heart could not accept this.
this confuses and frustrates me. this other girl has nothing to do with us. something is missing, not quite right. regardless of her, he went from hot to cold overnight. he is not being an asshole or so i cannot be mad...just perplexed. after the conversation he becomes a little more affectionate. pity maybe? the worst part is, i feel as though he is lying. i felt so much warmth from him yesterday. where did it go???
saturday night speed, ecstacy) we arrive at this other party. i have not slept. i have never been awake this long. things are starting to look a little strange. brighter yet darker if that makes any sense. i do not want to do anymore speed, yet i feel as though i have no choice. the van is at the other party, it is cold here, and the boy has a 3 hours set not due to start for another 4 or so hours. the boy is working on finding us some acid. i head off to the restroom and relulctantly give into this demon again. i am now in a dark introspective place. the boy just keeps eating at me. something is missing. i come up with every possible solution. he says i read into things to much. there is no missing piece. i can tell he is getting irritated. i sit alone and let the dark music infect me. it is perfect for the state i am in. I HATE THIS PLACE NOW. i have no where to go, no one to talk to, i am trapped here. i am beginnig to hear what is not there. i keep seeing people behind me.
*** it is here where i somewhat face my demon. i admit to the boy about the speed and the lack of sleep. i tell him how much it freaks me out that i did this to myself. and about the strange things happening. he is happy that i told him and seems a bit more understanding now***
the boy says acid would not be a good idea in my mental state, so i decide to try and numb the pain with ecstacy. i don't need it...nor do i even want to take it. i hold it in my hand for an hour before i swallow it. the feeling of taking something you know you don't want and don't need simply to numb the existence you are in has to be the lowest feeling i have ever felt this just fucks me up. i can barley walk. i try to write(my only solace)yet the words look like nonsense and i cannot hold the pen correctly. the boy is concerened, attentive, hugging me and telling me it's ok. yet i feel no warmth. it is time for his set. i meet a blond little boy in a VISOR and a SCARF. he's cool. talking to someone i feel a bit better. my boy's records are on a table outside looking into where i am. he keeps looking in at me and smiling, waving, sticking his tongue out whatever. 3 new boys show up. one reminds me a lot of my EX-ROOMATE. i sit next to him and he shares his blanket. now i start acting like high school. 1 girl, 3 cute boys, hmmmmm...i begin flirting and talking with them all. of course the boy sees this all. i run out to him and ask for a cigarrete. i obviously take 5 and proceed back to my group of boys to disperse his cigarettes and we all smoke. the boy calls me up there and wants me to sit next to him. he is playing a song for me. it is called "vampire" well now i am all powerful and mighty with my little harem of boys..who needs the dj? i sit for a few minutes acting bored then run off to my boys.
sunday morning: (pot, DMT) the boys have all taken acid. it is kicking in. we decide to go watch the sunset. my boys set is coming to a close. i waltz on outta there proudly with my new harem of boys. not a second glance at the other boy. we walk to the edge of a mountain. a new boy has joined. we all sit on the edge. i am cuddling with the boy whom looks frightengly like my EX-ROOMATE. i keep on waiting for my boy to come find me with all these others. the lastest boy to join asks "anybody ever tried DMT??" we had not. "do you want to?" well what does it do? he explains something to us but my head is so fucked up already and lost on other things, i do not pay much attention. the first boy goes. we all watch for a reaction. "whoa..hahah....whoa...wow...this is great...." well he did not flip out or anything. sure i'll go next. he hands me the pipe. now the story begins......
[ 17 August 2002: Message edited by: yoUr bLiSS ]
alright guys. let me set up the situation first so it all makes more sense. it was sunday morning in the woods at a psy-trance party. we had been partying since friday night, i had been up since friday morning. this was due mainly to speed.
bear with me it's long...i need to see how it all played out and came to be to completely understand and accept it.
NOTE** this is not typical. i use speed ocasionally, but i had never been up this long. i see speed as a bit of a demon, and the fact that i was still awake due to my own actions kind of freaked me out**
ok...let's break this down a little better.
part 1 "the set-up"
friday night: simply amazing.(speed, pot, alcohol) i met beautiful people, and the boy i came with was really into me. kissing me, hugging me, his arm around me. it made me feel good. at some point we went back to the van to catch a bit of sleep before his sunrise set. HE KNEW NOTHING OF THE SPEED.
saturday morning
speed + pot) laying awake in the van for an hour of bliss entwined in his arms the twilight hour arrives. i kiss my boy and sneak out of the van eager to climb a mountain(outdoor party tradition) and watch the stars disappear. i write some poetry and feel extremely happy on that mountain. everything is perfect. the sun is beginnig to rise so i hurry back to get my boy up. perfect timing he is just walking out. i hug him and things seem great. his sunrise set is amazing. his usually dark style had a new energy, a new emotion. i watched the sun come up in complete awe. for the first time i welcomed it, embraced it. i never felt more happy, nor connected to the world and myself ever in my life. i really felt myself beginning to fall for this boy. we still had the whole weekend to connect and explore each other. i was bliss. saturday afternoon
lots of alcohol, pot) the boy seems a little strange...distant. the affection from last night seems to have vanished. we lay out a blanket under a tree to take a nap. he naps, i write. he wakes up. still distant. i urge him to come be sociable. he says no. so i take off and an warmly invited into his group of friends. they give me food(yuck!) smoke me out and offer me drinks. i have an amazing time with these people. i make some real connections. the boy finally comes. i still sense something wrong. yet i push it aside because this is when i meet my twin soul. a girl a few years older then me whom everyone says i remind them of. she is one of the boys best friends. she is me in every sense. dark yet happy. we dance the same. i feel instantly and innately connected. time spent with her makes up for time not spent with him.saturday evening: (no drugs, some alcohol) i had every intention of taking a nap this evening. i thought the drinking/pot would wear me out. WRONG! so come saturday we need to head off to this other party. i finally confront the boy. he mumbles some bullshit about some other girl he also likes (she's not there) and does not know where we stand.
ESSENTIAL FACTS: i told him from the start i was not looking for a relationship. he pursued me. he invited me this weekend. he never brings girls i was told..especially someone new. he walked a mile and rode 2 trains just to see me last week. something in my heart could not accept this.
this confuses and frustrates me. this other girl has nothing to do with us. something is missing, not quite right. regardless of her, he went from hot to cold overnight. he is not being an asshole or so i cannot be mad...just perplexed. after the conversation he becomes a little more affectionate. pity maybe? the worst part is, i feel as though he is lying. i felt so much warmth from him yesterday. where did it go???
saturday night
speed, ecstacy) we arrive at this other party. i have not slept. i have never been awake this long. things are starting to look a little strange. brighter yet darker if that makes any sense. i do not want to do anymore speed, yet i feel as though i have no choice. the van is at the other party, it is cold here, and the boy has a 3 hours set not due to start for another 4 or so hours. the boy is working on finding us some acid. i head off to the restroom and relulctantly give into this demon again. i am now in a dark introspective place. the boy just keeps eating at me. something is missing. i come up with every possible solution. he says i read into things to much. there is no missing piece. i can tell he is getting irritated. i sit alone and let the dark music infect me. it is perfect for the state i am in. I HATE THIS PLACE NOW. i have no where to go, no one to talk to, i am trapped here. i am beginnig to hear what is not there. i keep seeing people behind me.*** it is here where i somewhat face my demon. i admit to the boy about the speed and the lack of sleep. i tell him how much it freaks me out that i did this to myself. and about the strange things happening. he is happy that i told him and seems a bit more understanding now***
the boy says acid would not be a good idea in my mental state, so i decide to try and numb the pain with ecstacy. i don't need it...nor do i even want to take it. i hold it in my hand for an hour before i swallow it. the feeling of taking something you know you don't want and don't need simply to numb the existence you are in has to be the lowest feeling i have ever felt this just fucks me up. i can barley walk. i try to write(my only solace)yet the words look like nonsense and i cannot hold the pen correctly. the boy is concerened, attentive, hugging me and telling me it's ok. yet i feel no warmth. it is time for his set. i meet a blond little boy in a VISOR and a SCARF. he's cool. talking to someone i feel a bit better. my boy's records are on a table outside looking into where i am. he keeps looking in at me and smiling, waving, sticking his tongue out whatever. 3 new boys show up. one reminds me a lot of my EX-ROOMATE. i sit next to him and he shares his blanket. now i start acting like high school. 1 girl, 3 cute boys, hmmmmm...i begin flirting and talking with them all. of course the boy sees this all. i run out to him and ask for a cigarrete. i obviously take 5 and proceed back to my group of boys to disperse his cigarettes and we all smoke. the boy calls me up there and wants me to sit next to him. he is playing a song for me. it is called "vampire" well now i am all powerful and mighty with my little harem of boys..who needs the dj? i sit for a few minutes acting bored then run off to my boys.
sunday morning: (pot, DMT) the boys have all taken acid. it is kicking in. we decide to go watch the sunset. my boys set is coming to a close. i waltz on outta there proudly with my new harem of boys. not a second glance at the other boy. we walk to the edge of a mountain. a new boy has joined. we all sit on the edge. i am cuddling with the boy whom looks frightengly like my EX-ROOMATE. i keep on waiting for my boy to come find me with all these others. the lastest boy to join asks "anybody ever tried DMT??" we had not. "do you want to?" well what does it do? he explains something to us but my head is so fucked up already and lost on other things, i do not pay much attention. the first boy goes. we all watch for a reaction. "whoa..hahah....whoa...wow...this is great...." well he did not flip out or anything. sure i'll go next. he hands me the pipe. now the story begins......
[ 17 August 2002: Message edited by: yoUr bLiSS ]
Last edited:
