Ximot
Bluelighter
DMT - (semi-experienced, 50mg) Breakthough finally. Reptiles galore in the bath
I have used DMT more than a dozen times at all sorts of levels but I had never truly had the earth-shattering experiences so often described by users who have reportedly broken through.
I am in awe of this substance and am not just a little afraid of it I must say. For this reason, I am often somewhat inebriated from entactogen and/or alcohol use prior to smoking it in order to soften the expected blow. I feel braver and curiosity gets the better of me...
I'd been pretty close on a number of occasions, but finally I broke through well and proper on DMT for the first time last night. I'd come home from a music festival and a bit drunk and coming down off methylone and decided to take a hot bath... I took my pipe with me to the tub and after settling and centering myself I inhaled approx. 50mg carefully laid on several gauzes... This time it was as strong as never before...
The oddest life forms presented themselves to me, I thought I was in DeliriousAmbienLand again but this was more of a knowing state despite my utter awe and near-total selflessness... whatever I looked at really wasn't itself any more at all... unlike previous times, this time it went way beyond the wildest kaleidoscope. I really think I was in elf-land this time. I looked around me... the wall, the rim of the bathtub, my cup of tea next to me, it all had some kind of life of its own, its own energetic vibration, its own self... but the tea-cup wasn't a tea-cup, it just was... the oddest living, breathing shapes, semi-transparent and fractal-like in their greenish/pinkish fluorescent translucence... waving at me, laughing, approaching me, indifferent to me... for a moment I thought they were perhaps not indifferent to this earthly visitor but actually laughing at me, showing me that i was in too much of a stupor to comprehend the nature of their way of being let alone to determine whether they were friend or foe ... a bit freaky.
So while wondering whether they're benevolent or not, "I" somehow managed to remind "myself" (or shall I say "there was a memory from my former life with the message...") of what I'd said to myself before I'd loaded the pipe: "No matter what I shall start wondering about... there is one thing I shall remember: I am fine, and it is okay and it will soon be over." This came back to me even as I had forgotten my own name, where I lived, what day it was, what substances I had taken... "I" vaguely remembered that "I" was ok and that it was temporary and that I was and would remain fine. The illusion of separateness was vanishing fast... had i gone completely I would have lost all fear... the fear that I did have throughout a little was in fact closely coupled with my greatest desire: the return to this wonderful wretched self that "I" am. Oh, what if I let go entirely and completely and stopped existing, returning to Everything totally, even if just for theduration of the experience? Would "I" even be able to return to myself, back into this physical realm? Or would my entry into eternity be... eternal?
There were a few more minutes (or was it millions of years?) of intense visual elfishness and weird psychobabbling and gurgling, but I was now more disconnected from what I witnessed and safe within my knowledge that all is right and just the way it is supposed to be, regardless of what my wishes may be. Hellish gurgles and the oddest metallic gummy rainforesty wilderness in terms of sound . . . the only psychedelics that have ever given me anything remotely close were very strong LSD trips, DIPT and (to a much lesser extent) 5-MeO-DIPT. The entities were doing their thing, yet no matter how close they came, I knew that they would not harm me especially if I neither pushed nor grasped but just observed. I didn't observe that much actually - I was too overwhelmed and just stared, I guess, riding it out more than really connecting. Kinda intent on remaining in one piece, shivering in the face of it all, not ready for total and utter and entire self-dissolution.
Or was I actually gone from my existence entirely for perhaps a minute or two? Some of these elfin creatures seemed to approach me VERY closely and it seemed I entered one of them and went through it, beyond, into some sort of machinery land... in and back out to see more elfish dances and writhing, bobbing... not unlike buoys riding the waves of the sea... except that it was fairly large translucent life forms of many colours emerging out of nowhere, breathing themselves in out of nothingness via the air in the room... materialising and immaterialising at will or perhaps on auto-pilot without any intent - I could not be sure,buit they were somehow just doing their thing - having a great time all the time, for this seemed to be the only state they knew and it was freaky cos I thought: "How can they be in eternal bliss? What damnation... how can you know bliss for what it is unless you know what it is not..." . . . .
I was totally in awe, in that sense as well as in the psychobabbling lifeform sense not unlike a K-hole really. Death-like, rejoining my infinite self and all other spirits inhabiting infinity.
I spent some of the time in this peak state looking down into the bath and at my chest, groin and legs... and the water... the colours and patterns of it all were beyond belief... translucent green and a yellow-pinkish/orangey glow were predominant... the strangest spider's webs and prehistoric reptilian creatures emerged from the water, which was a pool of reptilian life... my legs were either covered in zoomed-in areas of the skin of body parts of (miniature?) crocodiles or lizards, salamanders and toads, or perhaps my legs were lizards, or perhaps they were part of the lizard that was me.... and I started shaking about a bit as the odd crocodile started snapping... when my legs moved it was reptiles moving... The bathwater my body was resting in was the colour of the eternal goo... a strange but weirdly familiar mixture of all the liquids of this world together. And my body was in it.
I understood that I am merely a part of a big thing and that what happens is what happens and that any resistance is futile in the grander scheme of things and that physical death is not the end of "my" consciousness...
And then I kinda got let down gently, the trembling stopped and I returned to my body... all nice in the warm water... I waited and appreciated the final glows as I re-entered my non-DMT self. Watching as I became "normal" again, and as my consciousness regained my body, for 2 or 3 minutes more, less as time went by, I could sense the presence of those spirits very nearby, right here, just a dimension beyond what I am able to register unequipped with sufficient DMT in my bloodstream. I felt certain that what i had witnessed was a timeless reality, definitely real. After a few minutes, this awareness of spirits so close behind the fabric of my perceived reality faded... no more hints at craziness, madness...hmm, just me again. Wow. Baffled, mildly shaken and grateful to be back in this body, this ego/identity, this life in the physical realm, for now.
Did I get much out of it? Judge for yourself based on what I have written... I am still unsure as this only happened approx 24 hours ago. But I feel that I may have gotten more out of it if I had been prepared to see actual entities this time... perhaps I'd have been less suspicious of looking even more closely and perhaps I would have had a question or two... if I had had the right intent beyond a vague pre-bed "I think it's DMT-time now" thought... I would also have gotten more out of it if I had been stone cold sober obviously. Entactogens and alcohol surely soften the edges by reducing fear but they also dull the mind, make insight hard to grasp. My 2 previous attempts with DMT at high doses had precluded benzos, and beyond caleidoscopic vision and a feeling that what I was witnessing was important and true, there wasn't much in terms of insight, even at over 100mg in the course of half an hour... is this because at the time, in that state, I was unable to "see", dulled by dulling drugs? or was it the elves who could tell I was just not worthy of being part of the party in my sad state of reduced awareness and thus remained hidden? And don't some experiencedDMT users believe that the elves or aliens are merely sentinels, gatekeepers, a device put in place in/for/by the universe in order to distract the unfocused hyperspace cadet?
What I definitely did get out of it this time was the insight that it is indeed a potentially terrifying experience and that any fear I experience is fear of self-dissolution and that in and of itself is the same as fear of self, of infinity, of life, of existence. Hardly rational, and definitely not beneficial, such a futile fear in the face of a universe mostly beyond my control except for the little bit of it inside me, which is in fact the same as Everything outside of me. I got a stronger experiential grasp of the concept of the holographic self-referential universe, and I got blessed with the certainty that death is indeed not the end. Ketamine had shown me this before, but this was a great confirmation and goes well with my Buddhist/Taoist beliefs of the infinite self that may time and again inhabit a human body to experience what it needs to expeirence in the physical realm, which I believe is but one of many.
What is belief? When I truly believe something, it seems to me I actually know it. Except that I cannot prove it... but I just know, don't ask me why. Deep down I know, and it is good.
The day will come when I shall smoke a similar amount of DMT without having ingested any drugs beforehand to soften the edges. On that day, however, I want to be well-rested and introspective and entirely free from worldy concerns and have had a good meditation session beforehand. So that I can be ready to face what I shall be allowed to have a glimpse at, and that I may be more worthy of accessing whatever insight can be gleaned from there. And so that I won't panic
All in all, it was a wonderful experience, even though I did not have music on to guide (limit? dictate? overpower? externalise?) the trip. Music once saved me from a potentially very confusing Salvia trip, and I had an incredibly visual experience where sounds became landscapes, etc... This trip was more untainted in that sense, as there was just me.... a dark room would have been even more intense and less distracting, I guess.
I came out of pretty much unphased, as secure in myself as before if not a tiny little bit more so due to the understanding I believe I have gained. Yet I can see how someone who has not yet made many steps on the (often rough, for me anyway) path of self-discovery and has not got much experience in how to ward off feelings of dread or fear and how to generate love and to let go a bit might come out a totally traumatised wreck... ah, letting go... if it wasn't for all my attachments I do not think I would have had any problems letting go. But then my attachments are also a key reason why I am so grateful to be back here. Surely if I had complete understanding and acceptance of how it all works there would be no need for me to return to this limited physical experience? And surely, the more I cultivate my beneficial qualities and my capacity for love, the more beautiful the DMT experience will be, for in the face of such a huge juggernaut such as Everything that Is, it seems to me that besides acceptance and benevolence, nothing else matters.
Ah yes, and when I got out of the bath I noticed I had dropped the pipe in the tub... despite having carefully placed on the rim of the tub after my last inhalation prior to definite lift-off. Things must have been going on that I did not register, for sure. Actually, doing this in a hot bath was certainly one reason I withstood the experience quite well. I think the hot water around me gave me womby feelings of protection and safety unlike anywhere else in the physical realm can provide except for the womb itself.
Even though I kinda broke through, on another level I feel that my breakthrough has but shown me how much more there is to break through to and that the only place I really got to was sort of the borderline zone between where the gatekeepers are and ultimate infinity beyond, where all is one and one knows all... I wonder - in case I get to see those creatures again - whether to be open and converse with them, or whether to brace myself and let them do their thing as I give them no attention, practically ignoring them as best I can... for now it is my understanding that they are gatekeepers designed to distract me from what is really real with an earth-shattering display of sensual illusion, and that thus perhaps it would be better to just move on.
Another voice in me says that I'd miss out if I didn't give them attention and that I might be unprepared for what is beyond, that there might be something for me to glean whilst with them prior to total entry beyond. But I do not fully trust them... are they benevolent or basically cunning crooked beings even if harmless in and of themselves unless one acts based on whatever absurdities they may be suggesting? part of me thinks that fooling around with them too long may be a recipe for madness and that sanity is what lies beyond, accessible only if one does not get stuck with that crazy gibberish spoken with forked tongues... I just couldn't be sure if these entities were fully lucid and equipped with will or just kinda doing their thing blindly, stupidly.... unsure if they really, really had consciousness or if this was in fact a clever ruse whose colourful shifting and moving and babbling display is devised by what's beyond in order to keep the uninitiated meanderer who is easily distracted and unfocused (and thus not with the right intent) protected from insight so deep that he may not be ready for it . . .
If anyone sufficiently experienced with DMT can relate to my experience and has "been there with the gatekeepers and their antics" I would welcome any advice as to how I may prepare myself for my next entry into hyperspace. Thanks.
edit. oh yeah, one more thing . . . I felt that the trip lasted a little longer and was a bit more alien (if that is even possible, hehe) than my previous DMT experiences and it also felt more like what I'd imagine Ayahuasca to be like (I have never tried this). I have been taking St John's Wort 3x daily for about 4 weeks now... it is reported to have mild MAOI activity. Would this have had any effect on the nature and/or length of the experience?
I have used DMT more than a dozen times at all sorts of levels but I had never truly had the earth-shattering experiences so often described by users who have reportedly broken through.
I am in awe of this substance and am not just a little afraid of it I must say. For this reason, I am often somewhat inebriated from entactogen and/or alcohol use prior to smoking it in order to soften the expected blow. I feel braver and curiosity gets the better of me...
I'd been pretty close on a number of occasions, but finally I broke through well and proper on DMT for the first time last night. I'd come home from a music festival and a bit drunk and coming down off methylone and decided to take a hot bath... I took my pipe with me to the tub and after settling and centering myself I inhaled approx. 50mg carefully laid on several gauzes... This time it was as strong as never before...
The oddest life forms presented themselves to me, I thought I was in DeliriousAmbienLand again but this was more of a knowing state despite my utter awe and near-total selflessness... whatever I looked at really wasn't itself any more at all... unlike previous times, this time it went way beyond the wildest kaleidoscope. I really think I was in elf-land this time. I looked around me... the wall, the rim of the bathtub, my cup of tea next to me, it all had some kind of life of its own, its own energetic vibration, its own self... but the tea-cup wasn't a tea-cup, it just was... the oddest living, breathing shapes, semi-transparent and fractal-like in their greenish/pinkish fluorescent translucence... waving at me, laughing, approaching me, indifferent to me... for a moment I thought they were perhaps not indifferent to this earthly visitor but actually laughing at me, showing me that i was in too much of a stupor to comprehend the nature of their way of being let alone to determine whether they were friend or foe ... a bit freaky.
So while wondering whether they're benevolent or not, "I" somehow managed to remind "myself" (or shall I say "there was a memory from my former life with the message...") of what I'd said to myself before I'd loaded the pipe: "No matter what I shall start wondering about... there is one thing I shall remember: I am fine, and it is okay and it will soon be over." This came back to me even as I had forgotten my own name, where I lived, what day it was, what substances I had taken... "I" vaguely remembered that "I" was ok and that it was temporary and that I was and would remain fine. The illusion of separateness was vanishing fast... had i gone completely I would have lost all fear... the fear that I did have throughout a little was in fact closely coupled with my greatest desire: the return to this wonderful wretched self that "I" am. Oh, what if I let go entirely and completely and stopped existing, returning to Everything totally, even if just for theduration of the experience? Would "I" even be able to return to myself, back into this physical realm? Or would my entry into eternity be... eternal?
There were a few more minutes (or was it millions of years?) of intense visual elfishness and weird psychobabbling and gurgling, but I was now more disconnected from what I witnessed and safe within my knowledge that all is right and just the way it is supposed to be, regardless of what my wishes may be. Hellish gurgles and the oddest metallic gummy rainforesty wilderness in terms of sound . . . the only psychedelics that have ever given me anything remotely close were very strong LSD trips, DIPT and (to a much lesser extent) 5-MeO-DIPT. The entities were doing their thing, yet no matter how close they came, I knew that they would not harm me especially if I neither pushed nor grasped but just observed. I didn't observe that much actually - I was too overwhelmed and just stared, I guess, riding it out more than really connecting. Kinda intent on remaining in one piece, shivering in the face of it all, not ready for total and utter and entire self-dissolution.
Or was I actually gone from my existence entirely for perhaps a minute or two? Some of these elfin creatures seemed to approach me VERY closely and it seemed I entered one of them and went through it, beyond, into some sort of machinery land... in and back out to see more elfish dances and writhing, bobbing... not unlike buoys riding the waves of the sea... except that it was fairly large translucent life forms of many colours emerging out of nowhere, breathing themselves in out of nothingness via the air in the room... materialising and immaterialising at will or perhaps on auto-pilot without any intent - I could not be sure,buit they were somehow just doing their thing - having a great time all the time, for this seemed to be the only state they knew and it was freaky cos I thought: "How can they be in eternal bliss? What damnation... how can you know bliss for what it is unless you know what it is not..." . . . .
I was totally in awe, in that sense as well as in the psychobabbling lifeform sense not unlike a K-hole really. Death-like, rejoining my infinite self and all other spirits inhabiting infinity.
I spent some of the time in this peak state looking down into the bath and at my chest, groin and legs... and the water... the colours and patterns of it all were beyond belief... translucent green and a yellow-pinkish/orangey glow were predominant... the strangest spider's webs and prehistoric reptilian creatures emerged from the water, which was a pool of reptilian life... my legs were either covered in zoomed-in areas of the skin of body parts of (miniature?) crocodiles or lizards, salamanders and toads, or perhaps my legs were lizards, or perhaps they were part of the lizard that was me.... and I started shaking about a bit as the odd crocodile started snapping... when my legs moved it was reptiles moving... The bathwater my body was resting in was the colour of the eternal goo... a strange but weirdly familiar mixture of all the liquids of this world together. And my body was in it.
I understood that I am merely a part of a big thing and that what happens is what happens and that any resistance is futile in the grander scheme of things and that physical death is not the end of "my" consciousness...
And then I kinda got let down gently, the trembling stopped and I returned to my body... all nice in the warm water... I waited and appreciated the final glows as I re-entered my non-DMT self. Watching as I became "normal" again, and as my consciousness regained my body, for 2 or 3 minutes more, less as time went by, I could sense the presence of those spirits very nearby, right here, just a dimension beyond what I am able to register unequipped with sufficient DMT in my bloodstream. I felt certain that what i had witnessed was a timeless reality, definitely real. After a few minutes, this awareness of spirits so close behind the fabric of my perceived reality faded... no more hints at craziness, madness...hmm, just me again. Wow. Baffled, mildly shaken and grateful to be back in this body, this ego/identity, this life in the physical realm, for now.
Did I get much out of it? Judge for yourself based on what I have written... I am still unsure as this only happened approx 24 hours ago. But I feel that I may have gotten more out of it if I had been prepared to see actual entities this time... perhaps I'd have been less suspicious of looking even more closely and perhaps I would have had a question or two... if I had had the right intent beyond a vague pre-bed "I think it's DMT-time now" thought... I would also have gotten more out of it if I had been stone cold sober obviously. Entactogens and alcohol surely soften the edges by reducing fear but they also dull the mind, make insight hard to grasp. My 2 previous attempts with DMT at high doses had precluded benzos, and beyond caleidoscopic vision and a feeling that what I was witnessing was important and true, there wasn't much in terms of insight, even at over 100mg in the course of half an hour... is this because at the time, in that state, I was unable to "see", dulled by dulling drugs? or was it the elves who could tell I was just not worthy of being part of the party in my sad state of reduced awareness and thus remained hidden? And don't some experiencedDMT users believe that the elves or aliens are merely sentinels, gatekeepers, a device put in place in/for/by the universe in order to distract the unfocused hyperspace cadet?
What I definitely did get out of it this time was the insight that it is indeed a potentially terrifying experience and that any fear I experience is fear of self-dissolution and that in and of itself is the same as fear of self, of infinity, of life, of existence. Hardly rational, and definitely not beneficial, such a futile fear in the face of a universe mostly beyond my control except for the little bit of it inside me, which is in fact the same as Everything outside of me. I got a stronger experiential grasp of the concept of the holographic self-referential universe, and I got blessed with the certainty that death is indeed not the end. Ketamine had shown me this before, but this was a great confirmation and goes well with my Buddhist/Taoist beliefs of the infinite self that may time and again inhabit a human body to experience what it needs to expeirence in the physical realm, which I believe is but one of many.
What is belief? When I truly believe something, it seems to me I actually know it. Except that I cannot prove it... but I just know, don't ask me why. Deep down I know, and it is good.
The day will come when I shall smoke a similar amount of DMT without having ingested any drugs beforehand to soften the edges. On that day, however, I want to be well-rested and introspective and entirely free from worldy concerns and have had a good meditation session beforehand. So that I can be ready to face what I shall be allowed to have a glimpse at, and that I may be more worthy of accessing whatever insight can be gleaned from there. And so that I won't panic
All in all, it was a wonderful experience, even though I did not have music on to guide (limit? dictate? overpower? externalise?) the trip. Music once saved me from a potentially very confusing Salvia trip, and I had an incredibly visual experience where sounds became landscapes, etc... This trip was more untainted in that sense, as there was just me.... a dark room would have been even more intense and less distracting, I guess.
I came out of pretty much unphased, as secure in myself as before if not a tiny little bit more so due to the understanding I believe I have gained. Yet I can see how someone who has not yet made many steps on the (often rough, for me anyway) path of self-discovery and has not got much experience in how to ward off feelings of dread or fear and how to generate love and to let go a bit might come out a totally traumatised wreck... ah, letting go... if it wasn't for all my attachments I do not think I would have had any problems letting go. But then my attachments are also a key reason why I am so grateful to be back here. Surely if I had complete understanding and acceptance of how it all works there would be no need for me to return to this limited physical experience? And surely, the more I cultivate my beneficial qualities and my capacity for love, the more beautiful the DMT experience will be, for in the face of such a huge juggernaut such as Everything that Is, it seems to me that besides acceptance and benevolence, nothing else matters.
Ah yes, and when I got out of the bath I noticed I had dropped the pipe in the tub... despite having carefully placed on the rim of the tub after my last inhalation prior to definite lift-off. Things must have been going on that I did not register, for sure. Actually, doing this in a hot bath was certainly one reason I withstood the experience quite well. I think the hot water around me gave me womby feelings of protection and safety unlike anywhere else in the physical realm can provide except for the womb itself.
Even though I kinda broke through, on another level I feel that my breakthrough has but shown me how much more there is to break through to and that the only place I really got to was sort of the borderline zone between where the gatekeepers are and ultimate infinity beyond, where all is one and one knows all... I wonder - in case I get to see those creatures again - whether to be open and converse with them, or whether to brace myself and let them do their thing as I give them no attention, practically ignoring them as best I can... for now it is my understanding that they are gatekeepers designed to distract me from what is really real with an earth-shattering display of sensual illusion, and that thus perhaps it would be better to just move on.
Another voice in me says that I'd miss out if I didn't give them attention and that I might be unprepared for what is beyond, that there might be something for me to glean whilst with them prior to total entry beyond. But I do not fully trust them... are they benevolent or basically cunning crooked beings even if harmless in and of themselves unless one acts based on whatever absurdities they may be suggesting? part of me thinks that fooling around with them too long may be a recipe for madness and that sanity is what lies beyond, accessible only if one does not get stuck with that crazy gibberish spoken with forked tongues... I just couldn't be sure if these entities were fully lucid and equipped with will or just kinda doing their thing blindly, stupidly.... unsure if they really, really had consciousness or if this was in fact a clever ruse whose colourful shifting and moving and babbling display is devised by what's beyond in order to keep the uninitiated meanderer who is easily distracted and unfocused (and thus not with the right intent) protected from insight so deep that he may not be ready for it . . .
If anyone sufficiently experienced with DMT can relate to my experience and has "been there with the gatekeepers and their antics" I would welcome any advice as to how I may prepare myself for my next entry into hyperspace. Thanks.
edit. oh yeah, one more thing . . . I felt that the trip lasted a little longer and was a bit more alien (if that is even possible, hehe) than my previous DMT experiences and it also felt more like what I'd imagine Ayahuasca to be like (I have never tried this). I have been taking St John's Wort 3x daily for about 4 weeks now... it is reported to have mild MAOI activity. Would this have had any effect on the nature and/or length of the experience?
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