Mental Health DMT-induced Depersonlization/Derealization

[psychonautical1355]

Hello Bluelighters,

This is going to be a long one, so I appreciate those who read with me until the end. I'll include a "TL;DR," but I would really appreciate the help from anyone who is willing.

So, when I was 16, I tried mushrooms for the first time. I loved them, and continued to do them sparingly for the next two years. I had some of the most beautiful, incredible, and revelatory experiences, but never overwhelmingly frightening or difficult ones, and never on more than two grams at a time. After this period, I decided it would be time to indulge my interest in LSD. I tried it and, of course, fell in love. Every conscious personal issue I had was put into perspective during only the first trip. Subsequent trips resulted in more and more subconscious personal insights, and even insights into the nature of perception and existence itself. Naturally, I decided I wanted to go further down the rabbit hole to see what I could see.

So I acquired some DMT. It was in the form of a fine, white powder. I had obviously read many trip reports and the like online, so I thought I was prepared to the nines. I eyeballed about 30 or 40 mg (a little smaller than a pile the size of a quarter) and loaded it into a glass bubble pipe. Vaped it with the lighter, took in as much as I could, and held it in for as long as I could. The moment I exhaled, my vision began to change drastically. The pipe I was holding looked like some sort of alien utensil as I tried to take a second toke and quickly realized that my motor skills were far too trashed. I can't do it, I thought, referring to "getting a breakthrough dose." The last thought I had as a normal human being was, of all things, "This is made out of glass. I should put it down so I don't break it on myself while I trip." Immediately, I was thrust into the most TERRIBLE, TERRIFYING episode of depersonalization and derealization I've had to date. I had never experienced anything like dp/dr prior to this event. A strange shift happened and everything took on a very two-dimensional quality. This was the only time I experienced the sensation that there was some boundary separating me far away from everything else, like glass, (especially when I was looking at my fiance and watching him move around) and that I was helpless but to watch the world around me. Everything looked very alien and unreal and unfamiliar. Everything was extremely clear; colors were extremely bright, to the point of discoloration. Everything was overwhelming. I did feel the expected DMT "gravity," quite intensely on my entire body. I looked over at my fiance and I couldn't remember who he was or why he was sitting next to me until I, with great force, reminded myself of his name repeatedly. But he didn't look like the same person. He looked like someone else. I looked around the entire living room and it seemed as though I were somewhere else. Who I was wasn't even relevant or wondered about. I was afraid to even move. I could no longer read, and letters on a bottle looked like a swirling white design incessantly swimming in a sea of red. That's a COKE bottle! It's a COKE bottle! It's a COKE bottle! This. Is going. To go. Away. This. Is going. To go. Away. This is going to go away! It's a Coke. Bottle. It's a Coke. Bottle. It's a Coke. Bottle. That is a Coke. Bottle. These were really the prevailing thoughts.

And here I was, thinking I was going to be thrust through hyperspace.

When the derealization hits, a noticeable "shift" happens that consists of extreme, overwhelming visual acuity, a very two-dimensional quality to everything, feeling like I'm in a dream within a dream, everything looking and feeling foreign and unfamiliar, and the most incredible terror I've ever fucking felt in my life. The "shift" kind of feels like that part in the Matrix when the programs change from normal looking people into Agents. I also get this dreaded feeling that something absolutely fucking awful is going to happen if I don't stop "it," however I do that and whatever "it" is. The depersonalization just kind of feeds off of my initial terror from the derealization and then parts of my body start feeling and looking and seeming as though they are different sizes and shapes than normal. An arm will catch my eye as though it were some unidentified object. Everything feels like styrofoam. I start to believe that my life isn't real. I begin to lose my ability to tell the difference between myself and someone else. The words "I," "me," "my," and "myself" all have the same meaning in this state regardless of whether I am saying them or someone else is. In fact, the other day, he played a joke on me that sent me into a small but frightening episode of depersonalization. I was telling others about a mushroom tea trip and how I'd thought I was being tested somehow and that I had failed the test of "patience," all the while laughing about how crazy I'd went that night. Once he heard me say this, though, he looked me dead in the eye and said, "you doubted me." (We were all completely sober). Immediate shift. Confusion. Are we the same? Are you me? Did that really happen?

Now, little things will trigger reminiscent episodes. Smoking too much weed, watching TV for longer than an hour, concentration. If I close my eyes and fold my arms together (sober), my arms will begin to feel larger and puffy, my shirt will feel two inches thick and fuzzy, my rib cage begins to feel as though it is growing, and my arms and stomach sort of meld until I open my eyes and look and my arms and move them around. Seeing my limbs in my peripheral vision will change my perception of them. I feel alien in my own body. My arms seem further away and longer than usual. My head feels as though it is pulsating and waving like a curtain. My hands seem half the size that they normally do. I feel like I'm floating but I'm still in my body, even though my body's not floating. All of this is happening right now as I am typing this. (I admittedly just smoked a little too much weed, but I can't help but to be sort of fascinated by the whole thing).

TL;DR: I smoked some DMT which, instead of throwing me through hyperspace, induced a severe episode of dp/dr. FUCKING SCARIEST THING THAT'S EVER HAPPENED TO ME. Now I feel like nothing is real or looks real sometimes, like wakeful dreaming or something, and my perception of myself and my body is sometimes distorted. I think I may have dp/dr disorder that was activated by smoking DMT.

Anyway, the problem lies in that
a) I have faint feelings of dp/dr constantly that won't go away now and fluctuate in intensity depending on external stimuli.
b) I really love mushrooms. They've really changed my life. Cured my own self-induced depression. I don't want to have to go without them, and it's going to be extremely difficult for me if they're going to throw me into this INCREDIBLY frightening state of mind. Is there any hope that I can do them again without this happening? The first episode while on DMT was easily the most intense and traumatic and frightening experience of my entire life so far. Could I just have some sort of post-traumatic imprint from it? Any post-traumatic "flashbacks" could definitely be triggered by hallucinogens.
c) Was this really dp/dr? Or was this the onset of something like ego death, and I was just too cowardly to let go and let it take me? Was this a large indication that I am too ego-dependent to try and pursue ego death? Can this sort of incomplete ego disassembly induce something like dp/dr disorder?

Does any of this sound familiar to anyone at all?

Thank you SO MUCH in advance to anyone who helps!
Have a great trip!

 

[-=SS=-]

My NN-DMT experiences were largely positive, but I'm done with psychedelics forever after those experiences.. I realized the potential for damage is too great and as a young teenager/twenties dude I was lucky to not suffer any major disturbances except promotion of existing anxiety.

My advice to you is just stop. You need to get grounded and sober. Relying on mushrooms is not a wise life decision and I would re-evaluate your relationship with yourself. No one needs substances to function, that is bullshit rationalization coming from the substance itself and/or denial within yourself about your own strength to face internal issues. But seriously, you've been given a pretty strong warning shot across the bow. Consider yourself lucky you haven't had a major fucking psychotic break with repeated psychedelic usage.

I wouldn't panic. You seem coherent and aware of what's happened. Take this as a kick in the arse and motivation to sort yourself out. Go completely sober, eat properly, exercise gently, sleep well. The body and brain have a remarkable ability to repair damage if you treat them well, but it requires consistency in your efforts.


Some of the things you describe I experienced but for me it felt very familiar and not threatening. I remember once opening my eyes during an experience and seeing my body.. it felt like a suit I was inhabiting, alien like as you describe it. Also looking at friends in the room.. they felt like robots to me and seemed to have this 3D polygon mesh floating above their skin, was very strange. It didn't scare me though. Deep down I think I had already excepted that none of this is real, myself included.

From your account you obviously didn't breakthrough. I remember once when I didn't and I was in the room still.. the perception shifted a bit like you describe. What scared me that time though was that I had this sense I was surrounded by intelligences/entities that I couldn't see. That was the 2nd to last time I did it I think. The last time I didn't breakthrough either but if I closed my eyes I could see into the astral realm. Again I had the sense there were entities watching. I called it quits after that. It's an ocean out there and not everything is friendly or conducive to your sanity.

Again, go sober. Your brain/mind is too precious to waste. Consider yourself lucky.

 

[Hear Me Roar]

I've experienced DP/DR, over the years, done a lot of research on it and spoke to many people who have gone through it.

To some respects, some of the characteristics you describe, do sound like DP/DR. Though at the same time, they can be easily explained by the fact you were tripping on DMT. So it's a bit of a toughie really.

The only thing which kind of pushes me away from DP/DR is the symptoms you are experiencing when sober. The only one which relates largely, is 'I feel alien in my own body'. Feeling like you're in your body, but not a part of it, for some is a big part of DP. Though it could also be some lasting remnant of your DMT trip, as it does seem to have left a lasting psychological impression on you. Cannabis and other drugs/focusing for long periods of time, may be triggering these kinds of feelings.

Either way, whether it's the former or the latter, I'd think that for both, abstinence from drugs all together would certainly help. That includes things like caffeine aswell. Give your subconcious time to heal and essentially forget. The main thing with DP/DR sufferers if they constantly remember the first time they experienced DP/DR. An they begin to associate activities, substances... even food as triggers. Or small lapse in memory etc as triggers... So they may eat something or do something and subconsiously, there mind will like, "oh we're doing this.... *dissociates itself*... and so on.

For me personally, the only way I eventually got through/over DP/DR was to abstain from drugs and give it time. Over time, I stopped associating activities, food and so forth with the feelings I had been having. The sensitivity to the way I was feeling slowly lowered. An I started to forget about the DP/DR feelings. At one point at the start sugar for me was a big one. If I ate anything sugary, my body would react, my subconcious would kick in, an I'd feel detached from myself. Everything would feel strange and even though I could logically and rationally, know what was going on, it didn't feel right. Though after working through it, after time, I stopped thinking about it and it slowly went away...

Doubly, I think the same process would help with any remnants of a DMT which could be lurking around in your subconcious.

Ultimately though, if this really starts to affect you and feel it's too much, or after a certain amount of time, feel it isn't getting better, I'd go see your Doctor.

Hope any of this may have helped OP