Dissociative identity disorder

[swilow]

Hmm, WHAT the fucks been happening?

I have to attend a medical-facility everyday for the next while: 3 hour sessions of psychiatric evalutaion/observation. I've been really really hazy of late, kinda not here but not there: keep finding myself in places I don't recall meaning to get too, missing time, seeing ghosts and spirit-guides, "blacking out"- I've also been having a recurrence of "abscence seizures" and catatonic states; the seizures I always thought were a result of benzo's and general brain damage- they have happeneded since I was 6-7- eyes roll back, go glassy, no-one home.

And so, I have undergone some hypnotherapy, possibly to confirm something I've always suspected: I have memories that I cannot access at all- however, I am recalling a lot more of my childhood (which is essentially a blank from maybe 5-6 years old until 12, with more blanks scattered around)- mainly bad stuff, but thats okay. Actually, its horrible stuff, flat-out torture and by someone I never thought would have....

So- the tentative "diagnosis", after putting aside PTSD, panic disorder, bipolar, drug-induced psychosis, etc- is dissociative identity (disorder). It frightens me.

When I was born, my mother used a lot of drugs, so I got high in utero; perhaps some damage from that- but I was sexually abused for a long time- possibly a lot longer then I even knew, and a lot worse- I was also prostituted (though that may have been my choice)- I'm male, but I do recall my parents involving my siblings in this....

Bymost accounts I was basically a robot when young: I didn't talk, move or do anything, until I was around nine or ten or so; then I started gettin into trouble, taking drugs, expelled from 5 schools, did some terrible stuff.

However, I've always been able to act 'normally'. Or so I thought, until it became apparent I wasn't- sudden shifts in feeling and perspective are common; and have happened maybe 5-6 times during writing this; the changes are evident to others, they have noticed that I do not act consistently: I've often felt, when reading my (our?) own posts on Bluelight that the writer often didn't seem to be me. I may be right.

Does anyone know anything about dissociative identity disorder (better known as multiple personality disorder)? Anyone been diagnosed with it? What is your experience?

I'm not really looking for answers but just wondering what to do...

 

[zebigmonst3r]

I'm not a doctor, but it does, as you've said, sound like multiple personality disorder. It sounds like you're doing what you should be as of now, going to a facility to be analyzed. I hope everything goes as well as it can for you! Keep your head up

 

[OpiYum]

Do u recently stop using heavy amounts of drugs?

Have all your symptoms remained the same throughout your life? U mention the seizures from 6-7 yrs old. What about seeing spirits? etc??

Anything positive about it? - just curious

I agree with the above poster that ur attending a medical clinic for a thorough professional evaluation is great, if they are compassionate and have some staff with whom u connect (on a spiritual level is ideal).

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hey willow, I actually just did an assignment on DID a couple of weeks ago for Psychology.

Your symptoms do point towards DID, and I know that might sound confronting, but now that you've got a diagnosis you can work towards treating it. You've obviously had a lot of trauma in your upbringing which would have definitely contributed to your condition, and with the help of a good psychotherapist you can work towards processing those traumatic events so that you don't need to hide behind the dissociative state anymore.

How do you feel about getting therapy for it?

 

[lasthurrah19]

Hi willow,

I have DID, I got diagnosed a little over two years ago. I had a lot of physical/emotional/sexual abuse in childhood, also vicarious abuse (other children being victims in front of my eyes), and a shitload of adult perpetrators... family, a teacher, family 'friends', lots of people I don't know who are. Also got kidnapped for 4 1/2 years from 15-19. Yes to torture, as well.

Anyway, DID sounds scary, and it is. You certainly sound like you have it, from the symptoms you describe. But what's scarier... not know what the hell you've been doing, or getting some internal communication going and being able to find out/eventually not lose time?

So here's some advice: be careful with hypnotherapy. Your brain has a way of giving you information when it knows you're ready, and hypnotherapy may hurt you more than help. If you have suicidal thoughts or self harm thoughts/behavior, which from my experience in the hospital and outpatient, most people with DID have (including myself), be careful. Flooding memories can make it much worse, especially if put on you in hypnotherapy, or in some other abreactive situation (reliving the trauma basically forcefully in therapy). I don't believe it's good for people new to the diagnosis, at least. Yes knowing is a good thing, but it being 'forcibly' extracted from you is not a good thing.

Here's what happened to me once I started therapy -

Went to a therapist for about two months, where she basically just let me talk and stopped me from killing myself, until I went to an inpatient program for PTSD (not everyone who went there had DID, but a good portion did). Look up WIIT here. It's unfortunately just for women inpatient, but the intensive outpatient program does allow men. Just a resource, there are other places to get help as well. Inpatient helped me a lot because I got so much help at once. It probably replaced years of therapy in just a few weeks, well about two months total over two years now.

So I first went there in April 2008, after my life fell apart. Got back from the kidnapper guy when I was 19 (2004), got heavily into drugs from 2005ish up until two weeks before I went into WIIT. I was self harming daily (mostly burning, but in lots of ways really). Tried to kill myself several times. I basically decided I was going to die, and to give it one last chance before I did. WIIT opened up a whole new world for me, explained why I acted the way I did/do, and offered concrete solutions to my problems. It took a lot of work, and I'm still working of course, but I don't lose much time anymore. I still 'switch' so to speak, like the perspective changes you talk about, but actual time loss is minimal. I still have other symptoms I struggle with, but they're basically all a LOT better. At WIIT they have what is called incorporation therapy, in which your alters don't go away, but they work together. For me this was a better option than integration, as my alters felt like that was death to them. And I'm not exactly the 'original' person, either, so it made a lot of sense to me.

I've been inpatient a few times, and on and off I've gone to their outpatient program. The founder of the program, Dr. Bill Tollefson (yes, a man), has DID himself and so relating to him was very helpful to me. Along the way I've gotten a lot of 'new' old memories, but I almost never have really bad flashbacks anymore - I still get flashbacks, but I've learned how to cope with them, and they've gotten a lot less traumatic through therapy. I've learned to accept new information as just that - information. Really nothing could be worse than what I already know, and this attitude helps me a lot. Sure it's still scary as fuck but it's much more manageable. I also eventually got some good memories with the bad! Hard to believe, I know.

From my experience, getting the alters in your head to communicate with you and each other is the most vital thing. Some of mine are self destructive, a lot of them are in fact, but they don't do it to be self destructive - it's out of old habits of having to do these things to protect ME from unspeakable emotional pain. They saved my life, over and over again, and for that I am thankful. It's not a curse; it's what kept me alive.

I haven't self harmed in a bit over a year. Quite an accomplishment for me. I used to do it consciously, but also alters would do it while I was MIA. Scary as hell coming to or waking up with injuries on yourself that they inflicted and you have no memory of doing. I still struggle with suicidal thoughts and self harm uh, obsession pretty much, but I see how much I've grown, and it's actually pretty amazing. DID is not an easy thing to live with, but it does get easier. Knowing you have it is such a big step. You'll probably go back and forth on actually believing/accepting it, but that's totally normal. I've accepted it for a bit now, but for like 18 months I went back and forth.

One other thing: You have to be incredibly smart and creative to have DID. No one taught you how to dissociate that far to save yourself from going insane and/or physically dying. It's an extremely advanced coping mechanism. There is a way back. It saved your life then, but is hindering your growth now. I know you probably don't feel very many feelings or at least not deeply (all I could feel for years was sadness, nothing else - no happy, angry, etc.), and you may be scared that doing so will kill you. Believe me, I've been there - and I'm still alive.

I never had seizures (epileptic or not), but I've seen SO many DID patients that do have them. So that's pretty normal.

Feel free to PM me or ask more questions in this thread. Hope some of this helped. Good luck.

 

[n3ophy7e]

^^ Excellent post lasthurrah, thanks so much for sharing your story

 

[RainbowWarrior]

sorry to hear about that wilow...

multiple personalities always has been something that really scares me, though i think to some extent we all have different personalities in us, there seems to be a point were it really splits up and its not the same person anymore...

but i know everything's easier if you take it with humor... in my mothertongue there is a saying that would literally translated be:

"better multiple personalities than completely alone"

maybe that helps to cheer you up a bit... from reading your story it seems that you really have already suffered enough for one lifetime... don't let this thing get you down! you will go through it and eventually come out of it stonger than before...

good vibes to you

btw from reading you on bl i can say that you always seemed pretty coherent in your posts, definitely more coherent than many of my stoned rantings :D

 

[paranoid android]

I have known 1 person with DID in my lifetime and seing them actually switch for the first time caught me off gaurd even though i was more then likely quite fucking high at that time. I'll never forget it one minute there there next minute your talking to someone else. After awile this does not seem so odd and you kinda become used to this well not really but you adjust.

Seing a person turn into someone that isint even like them is ironically what alot of people have said about me when i flip the fuck out. But that ain't DID that's just well me and the bipolar disorder i have doesent help either. I can actually remember what i did (usually 8) ) and i still have my own memories and act like myself. Just what myself would seem like in a drunken rage i guess .

So yeah ive known a person for like 5 years who has it and it's quite scary. Also alot of people with DID self harm and do drugs or drink. So dealing with that must be quite rough on top of a already pretty fucked up disorder.

Also despite what many people think a person with DID is actually pretty sane on the outside atleast. You wouldnt really notice it unless you knew them well for years and the switching was really obvious or if you lived with them for a amount of time to get to know them. So even my aquintence had a much worse disease then i had by any standards really and was subjected to much worse to get this disease they appeared much more sane under alot of circumstances then i did. Granted bipolar disorder with psychotic features can make you seem like a mad man even though you think you are perfectly sane

Good luck willow. Keep your head up man.

 

[graugeist]

...Does anyone know anything about dissociative identity disorder (better known as multiple personality disorder)? Anyone been diagnosed with it? What is your experience?

I'm not really looking for answers but just wondering what to do...

Dissociative identity disorder is extremely rare and hotly contested in the field of psychology. Some professionals believe that the disorder is real, but many do not.

The best thing that you can do is to work with your treatment team (psychiatrist, therapist) and ask them to educate you about your diagnosis. Perhaps they can lend/recommend you books, answer any questions that you have, provide you with other literature. Go to the library and see if there are any books about it that you can check out. You will get better answers from professionals and books. My experience in researching mental illness has taught me that books and medical journal articles are the way to go, as well as asking professionals. The internet has a lot of misinformation, but there are some gems to be found.

I wish that I knew more about dissociative identity disorder; all that I know is from two college courses that I took in the past about abnormal psychology. I have never come into contact with anyone who had a legitimate diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder in my line of work. Most professionals that I have spoken to concerning dissociative disorders do not believe that dissociative identity disorder is real, but they have also never personally dealt with any possible cases of it so take that as you will. The more you can educate yourself on your diagnosis the better off you will be, the more you will understand, and the more you will get out of your treatment.

 

[paranoid android]

Most professionals that I have spoken to concerning dissociative disorders do not believe that dissociative identity disorder is real, but they have also never personally dealt with any possible cases of it so take that as you will.

It is VERY fucking real and if they met someone who had it they would know.

 

[graugeist]

It is VERY fucking real and if they met someone who had it they would know.

Perhaps, but it is still a very hotly contested thing. I do not have the certification or training yet that gives me the ability to officially diagnose anyone, so I cannot weigh in on the issue, but there are a lot of factors involved that could account for the behaviors and symptoms. I hope that my recommendations that willow do some personal research and ask questions of his/her treatment team will help lesson some of the fear. I know that, for me, once I began reading more about bipolar disorder my diagnosis became far less frightening.

I have only seen supposed cases of dissociative identity disorder in videos that were required viewing for some of my courses and it was explained how and why some professionals believe it is real, and how and why others disagree. There was also a lot of information presented on how dissociative identity disorder may be a product of the therapist's interactions with the client to some degree. This was a long time ago, however, so I am not weighing in on if I believe it is real or not because I do not know enough about it.

As I said, I do not know enough about it to say whether or not I believe that it is for real or not. The one thing that I do know, however, is that even if the diagnosis is inaccurate, the symptoms and the pain that the person goes through are very real and genuine and that the person does not deserve to suffer because of it, whatever the real problem is. For the time being, the professionals that have more training and experience than I do in this field have provided willow with a diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder, so I am not disagreeing with that, just trying to provide unbiased information that may help willow in his/her treatment and giving him/her more things to bring up with his/her treatment team so that he/she can get the best possible treatment available

I don't want to totally derail the thread, but if you can provide more information about your personal interactions with the friend that you mentioned I would appreciate reading about it.

 

[paranoid android]

I don't want to totally derail the thread, but if you can provide more information about your personal interactions with the friend that you mentioned I would appreciate reading about it.

Well i can't say alot due to em reasons . I wouldnt really feel right without permission to say the least.

 

[lasthurrah19]

DID is real, please don't start off willow thinking that he's crazy now. It's one thing to be malingering or it being suggested to a patient and becoming an iatrogenic condition; it's another when one has the symptoms and then the diagnosis is placed to fit the symptoms.

I understand why it may sound unbelievable to some people; I didn't exactly believe it myself at first. The fact is I had symptoms of time loss, derealization/depersonalization, flashbacks, memory loss, internal voices, etc. for a long ass time before I found out what the reason was. I'm not saying every case of DID is genuine, but I don't really understand why someone would WANT this kind of diagnosis. It's a hard to treat disorder, and even the most successful among us face years and years of therapy. There is no magic pill.

Anyway, graugeist I appreciate that you're saying you don't know one way or the other - I just know that when I first realized what I had, I'd go for anything offering a different explanation... am I just malingering? OK - I don't care - better then being different people. I just don't think it's a good thing for someone just new to it to see.

Of course through time I've learned a lot more about myself and have the knowledge of why what happened did - and that it really is 'myself' even though it presents as selves.

 

[Roger&Me]

Sam,

I'm short on advice here; so I'm just gunna throw you some love, bro.

Your kind words have helped me through some hard times in the past, and I wish I could say more or do more for you right now.

But I can say what I know to be true: you're a damn good dude, a really GOOD guy-- smart, interesting, and kind.

I truly believe that you will pull through this hard time to find wholeness and peace.

If you ever want to shoot the shit, or vent, or just talk about absolutely anything-- send me a PM. Seeing a PM come in from you is always a joy, and never an inconvenience. So if you ever feel like it, don't hesitate.

I wish you the best. I truly believe that you will find healing, happiness, and peace-- just keep working hard with therapy, and you will make it out a healed person.

Dissociative identity disorder is extremely rare and hotly contested in the field of psychology. Some professionals believe that the disorder is real, but many do not.

That's slightly dangerous territory to move into, IMO. Let's leave the diagnosis up to Willow's medical staff-- I'm sure they're well-qualified.

 

[lasthurrah19]

Roger&Me, good wording... that's what I was going for.

Much love to everyone

 

[andreas]

I have only one bit of advice it was given to me while drinking Ayahuasca

the only way out of the pain is through the pain

I know that seems harsh and I never got it for a while but now I know its true. We have to be honest and willing to push through, this is how you will heal yourself

one of my visions was the spirit telling me about this light we all have it was something I dont think I will ever be able to explain 100%...basically we have some power with in us it was sort of saying to me this light was the life force of the universe like we have god within us and we heal our selves once we tap into it....I know thats hard to believe, but you have to believe in your self.
This is not to say to we have to do it all on our own, I am using all the help I can get but I am the one that has to look for the help and be willing to heal what is troubling my sub-conscious or soul

 

[swilow]

Do u recently stop using heavy amounts of drugs?

Have all your symptoms remained the same throughout your life? U mention the seizures from 6-7 yrs old. What about seeing spirits? etc??

Anything positive about it? - just curious

Well, I have been battling opiate's for a while now: recently I have behaved, though it seems that every 3-4 days I will relapse and use morphine, heroin or (most of the time now) codeine. It sucks, everytime the w/d stops I start again. Even one small dose of codeine puts me in w/d for a few days. That said, its manageable.

I still use a lot of drugs though, mainly psychedelics- recently LSD, mushrooms, salvia and ayahuasca- mushrooms a lot, most days atm, but its a cleansing almost shamanic useage, without wanting to sound pretentious (and failing :D)
I did take a very large dose of acid a few weeks ago and definitely felt a sort of spiritual possesion: but very positive and extremely informative.

One thing of note: seizures, mainly of the absent kind, have occurred sporadically through my life, but right now are defintely kicked along by benzo use (prescribed, but fluctuating a bit in dose....) I had a tonic-clonic/grand mal seizure maybe 6 weeks ago, in the middle of opiate/benzo withdrawal and while creating quite painful music....

I also sleep walk regularly, and have blacked out and whited out (the latter being quite pleasant) for ages....

Positives of how I feel: well, the fact that all this is precipitated by a lot of horrible stuff, its hard to feel positive, but I do practis chaos magick, with meditation, astral projection and "chemognosis" involved, with a group of other strange people- the fact my personality is seemingly fluid is ideal for chaos magick workings, as the main requirement there is an ability to shift paradigms rapidly and erase context bound reaction....its also unbelievable real, with visions and encounters of a kind I never really imagined.

Hey willow, I actually just did an assignment on DID a couple of weeks ago for Psychology.

Your symptoms do point towards DID, and I know that might sound confronting, but now that you've got a diagnosis you can work towards treating it. You've obviously had a lot of trauma in your upbringing which would have definitely contributed to your condition, and with the help of a good psychotherapist you can work towards processing those traumatic events so that you don't need to hide behind the dissociative state anymore.

How do you feel about getting therapy for it?

Hmm, I almost feel like I am getting therapy, simply by discovering the truth behind my behaviour. But, either way, DID is just a label, and while useful, probably doesn't really mean much. However, what is important to me is recalling all the things that happened to me: I need to know now. The dissociation, which it almost certainly is, isn't something that upsets me- its the way these feeling impact others, mainly Miss Willow, that bothers me; I quite like the rapid mind shifts....

So here's some advice: be careful with hypnotherapy. Your brain has a way of giving you information when it knows you're ready, and hypnotherapy may hurt you more than help. If you have suicidal thoughts or self harm thoughts/behavior, which from my experience in the hospital and outpatient, most people with DID have (including myself), be careful. Flooding memories can make it much worse, especially if put on you in hypnotherapy, or in some other abreactive situation (reliving the trauma basically forcefully in therapy). I don't believe it's good for people new to the diagnosis, at least. Yes knowing is a good thing, but it being 'forcibly' extracted from you is not a good thing.

Thanks for sharing! I really do appreciate it and its good to know that there are others who understand...

Generally its a light hypnosis; I can meditate and enter trance quite easily, and maintain it: that was the main reason my GP helped me organise the evaluations I've been having (which really only now confirm the diagnosis....) I quite like to be swamped, as you say; altered mind-states are welcome in me constantly. Not as an escape, but as an immersion in reality.

I will heed your warning though; but its quite simple for me to slip-away, and at this stage, I kind of need to do that. Otherwise I just can't remember anything of my childhood. I don't know why, but most of its gone and always has been.

Not for much longer I think

Once again, thank-you, and please respond with your thoughts

Sam,

I'm short on advice here; so I'm just gunna throw you some love, bro.

Thats a plenty man I will always treasure your words

I have only one bit of advice it was given to me while drinking Ayahuasca

the only way out of the pain is through the pain

I know that seems harsh and I never got it for a while but now I know its true. We have to be honest and willing to push through, this is how you will heal yourself

Yeah, your right. Pain is real, needs to be felt, processed and overcome. In fact, ayahuasca is very very special to me, as it does bring up old memories, of both my life, and other lives.

Thanks everyone This is a huge weight off my chest.

It may sound odd, but a part of me enjoys weird things, and seeing as they naturally happen, I may as well :D

Peace

 

[andreas]

A word of warning my man dont play with spirits

I know many people here dont believe in them but I know they are real. some are good and will help you but the problem is that the evil ones will sneek in and cause all sorts of problems. It happened to me from drinking Aya and Im still dealing with shutting those doors. I would say leave the magic alone for a while.

Just be carful and make sure that your thoughts are yours and not spirits deceiving you....I know that sounds nuts to many people but its through out history in many different cultures...

All the best man and check in and let us know how things are going

 

[lasthurrah19]

Hmm, interesting post there.

Before I knew I had DID, I kind of had a somewhat similar path (though I don't know how old you are)... but at some point before that (early-mid 2006), I knew I couldn't do psychedelics (I was doing mostly acid and a little ecstasy) anymore. It's hard for me to imagine one having DID and not PTSD, but supposing that is possible, I definitely had/have both... and psychedelics were not helping. But it gave me some kind of control, or an illusion of control... here came this totally overpowering over stimulus of my mind - and once I felt it, I had to become the master of it. I had to quite literally become the master of my own universe - conjuring things in front of me (pseudo hallucinatory ones, of course), control the trip and feel all of those scary feelings I could never feel while sober. I actually think this helped me come back into my feelings a little bit - but eventually I saw it for what it was, a distraction away from myself, my feelings, my past, my mind state, and on and on. Creating stuff to focus on outside of yourself worked for me for a long damn time, and I wasn't ready to give it up until I *was* ready. If that makes sense - total denial for a long time, to realization and changing quickly aligned together. Not saying you're doing this, just some food for thought. It was also during the end of my psychedelic journey that I started remembering some of what had happened to me in my childhood with my family and the guy who kidnapped me - I never totally forgot I don't think, but it was more along those dream-memories that seem completely foreign and impossible. Anyway. That was 2ish years before I got help.

Opiates, yeah, I was there too... and benzos... downers. So good for getting rid of feelings, or letting one get 'angry' or 'sad' and really ride an emotion when it's really not as strong as all that - it's just controllable because of drugs. Made me feel alive, and then like shit.

To drugs in general, I really take this kind of stance, now. Dissociation is something I've used my entire life, first to save my life as a daily or at least common coping skill, and then as a pure constant coping skill to keep me from feeling, from knowing, from living... just as it would have been too dangerous back 'then'. But somewhere along the line, just like drugs, it stopped working as well as it used to. That's when addictions came in - and there are so many types of this - I only went with drugs but was on the precipice of perhaps an eating disorder and compulsive shopping. And then, the addictions stop working so well, as they do with tolerance and time. And then what? This is where I stood when I first got trauma treatment. The and then what was death or facing the past, controlling my dissociation and learning to live in the present moment. Admittedly, I'm not so great at the last one. It took me a while to even believe that my dissociation was a choice - because it was unconscious, but at some point the whole process slowed down (the process from being 'normal' to being dissociated and then switching or losing time - it used to happen in a blink of an eye) - and then it did become a choice. I know, probably sounds like science fiction.

Speaking of this, I know the idea of focusing on myself seemed and honestly still does seem kind of selfish and childish - but I trust other people, now, when they say it isn't. I was programmed to be a tool for everyone else who wanted me (take that any way you like, every way I can think of is accurate), and that's who I became as an adult - an illusion of it 'being in my control' or being 'what I really wanted' - when the programming changes from 'You will do this' to 'I want to do this', I can't tell you, but it does change. It seems like an original thought. But it's not, at least it's not for me. Doesn't mean I don't want to help other people. Codependency is a big issue for me... I'm happy to fade to nothing and help everyone around me achieve greatness. Just don't ask me any actual deep questions, or if you do I have some great stock answer that will make you think I'm the smartest person you've ever met... but it doesn't mean shit. Sorry for that little tangent there.

Hmm, I almost feel like I am getting therapy, simply by discovering the truth behind my behaviour. But, either way, DID is just a label, and while useful, probably doesn't really mean much. However, what is important to me is recalling all the things that happened to me: I need to know now. The dissociation, which it almost certainly is, isn't something that upsets me- its the way these feeling impact others, mainly Miss Willow, that bothers me; I quite like the rapid mind shifts....

Have you ever gotten back memories that were more than just a small bit of what happened? It is awful. The imminent feeling of death is extremely unpleasant. There's the understatement of the year, heh. Of course you like the rapid mind shifts; even when you know about what happened to you, if you don't want to feel it, you can go away. It's a great escape hatch. I'm not saying you need to get a hold on your dissociation first - honestly for me it's a bit of both progressing at the same time. I was READY to get memories back when I entered inpatient. And I got some really shitty ones back within three or four days. If I wouldn't have been being monitored, I so would have been dead. Be careful what you wish for... I'm not trying to use scare tactics, and wanting to know is awesome. But, at least for me, knowing things was not the same as accepting them as real and true memories. That's a whole other thing - knowing is really just the beginning, a GOOD beginning, but then the internal battle of am I a fraud if it's not true, or am I a fraud if I say it's not true and it really is, etc etc etc... it's extremely hectic.

Thanks for sharing! I really do appreciate it and its good to know that there are others who understand...

Generally its a light hypnosis; I can meditate and enter trance quite easily, and maintain it: that was the main reason my GP helped me organise the evaluations I've been having (which really only now confirm the diagnosis....) I quite like to be swamped, as you say; altered mind-states are welcome in me constantly. Not as an escape, but as an immersion in reality.

I will heed your warning though; but its quite simple for me to slip-away, and at this stage, I kind of need to do that. Otherwise I just can't remember anything of my childhood. I don't know why, but most of its gone and always has been.

Not for much longer I think

Once again, thank-you, and please respond with your thoughts

Well, hypnosis brings a lot of problems IMO. First is the one I already mentioned. And see above on the 'immersion in reality' thing... also one other point on that. I can so relate to that feeling. But the tipping point there for me was going from total avoidance through non-remembrance to active self harm behavior because it *also* made me feel more alive. As a point here, I'm sure when one is burning alive, it seems very real. Just saying it's not always so simple as non-reality or unreality vs. reality.

You're right, you do need to still slip away as you call it, and be able to slip away. Nothing wrong with that... For me, the only times I ever tried hypnosis, I just 'slipped away' instead. Dissociation is such an easy thing for me that I jumped right from one to the other. I can't imagine being able to sustain a hypnotic state without dissociating to at least a moderate level (which most people would see as an extreme level). If it is possible for you though, go for it. Either way could be problematic (remembering new stuff that's still sitting in your unconscious for a reason vs. not even remembering the hypnosis and having no idea what or if you remembered).

Okay, so for the closing chapter of my book (), I'd like to just say a couple things... I was so dissociative all the time that there didn't seem to be anything wrong with it and in fact I thought the whole world lived their life the way I did. Now it is actually pretty uncomfortable TO dissociate. I automatically just kind of gloss right over the comfortably numb dissociation right to a panic response because I know if I'm doing it, there's some reason, and so I'm like 'geez, now I have to deal with some problem' - and of course 90% of the time it's an internal problem. But the fact that it's like this now is pretty unbelievable. I am still in a low level of dissociation almost constantly - a derealization state - but I don't remember a time when it wasn't like this even in the most comfortable of circumstances. I also have HPPD and that probably doesn't help with feeling like everything is unreal.

So good luck, I'm sorry for the novel but I feel like perhaps you can relate to how I felt/feel and that relating to another person in this regard would be helpful. Take care.

 

[Cyc]

Know that any psychological disorder is behavioural taxonomy. There is no threshold for either 'having' a disorder, or not. You are exhibiting behaviours that could be indicative of trauma, in the same way that they could be indicative of a head injury.

I resent the notion that someone 'has' a psychological disorder. While trends in symptoms may exist, our obsession with categorizing them into distinct problems is more telling of our nature, than it is of nature itself.