dissassociation + considering lsd?

[the west wing]

Hey all, made me an account for this post...seems to be a helpful place. Haven't laid this all out before...I think it's gonna be long...in fact skip to the last two paragraphs if need be, but I'd really appreciate some feedback on the rest too. Here goes:

I've been having some serious disassociation problems, nearing on two years now. I'm completely devoid of any meaningful emotion, every time someone speaks to me I feel a massive internal conflict (what I am going to say, how am I going to come across, I have no idea who I am), and I have very little recollection of how I experienced reality before all this. I started college in 2009 as a musical theater major and got into a pretty solid program. When I started the year I wasn't in a good state at all. I was depressed most of high school and had dealt with emotional abuse from my parents throughout. I never allowed this effect my exterior, and I kept performing, which I've always loved doing. Having never really recovered, I was in a pretty weakened state, very insecure of my internal life and basically hanging on by a thread emotionally.

I smoked weed moderately before college but started buying and smoking pretty much every day as my first semester progressed. Classes were tough and my depression got worse, along with some pretty crippling anxiety. I became more and more demotivated, something I can probably attribute to the weed now. It started to feel like I could barely hold on to who I was, for the rest of the semester it felt like I was in limbo. I became obsessed with what I saw going haywire inside my mind. Around this time some pretty odd thought processes started up too, definitely as a product of desperation. I never gave in to them but I looked for divine meaning in things like movies, like maybe I'd come to a realization. Pah. Really, I knew a psychological war was starting between me and my rogue thoughts.

I finished the semester and I knew I was already on a downward slope. I wasn't myself anymore, I felt no emotion, though I wouldn't admit that to myself at the time, as I tried to replace the void with ideas of emotions. I even felt numb on vacation, in a place I always felt happy in. Reality was slipping away. I began the second semester almost knowing I wasn't going to make it. My mind became a constant dialogue of thoughts I didn't even want to think. I bought a vaporizer at that point for my voice, and I'm sure I don't need to explain how the higher concentration of thc felt. Indeed them hits was tastier, but the higher I got, the more used to the thoughts I became. I dropped out of an essay course early on, and proceeded to flail through my other courses. Stopped going to class because of mega anxiety and an overall inability to cope with what was happening to me. I wound up having to withdraw from all my courses last-minute.

That was mid 2010 and from that point on I've essentially been a shell. I took a medical leave this past year and now I'm back part-time, and that's great, but I'll be shat if I'm expected to live like this. I can't cry, hell no do I feel joy...there's some anger, but that's easy to feel, and I'd rather feel sadness. There's a sense of humanity I can get from it, like I'm real. I'm missing out on so much. I used to enjoy life, even a little bit in the worst of times, but it feels like I died inside myself and the show's over. A profound loss, like my soul is gone. I micro-manage every detail and second of my life now because I've spun myself into such a frenzy. Never any peace. Most painfully, I felt myself break like a machine. I'm blunt now. I see myself as a pathetic excuse of an existence.

Right now I haven't smoked weed for 2 1/2 months. I did constantly for the entire time I've been sitting alone at home. Didn't even enjoy it after a point. I've recently been diagnosed with the dissociative disorder and some attenuated psychotic symptoms, no schizophrenia, and doctors are convinced the weed played a sizable role in it all. I'm trying to make a stand against all this, and I intend to beat it. I want/need this to end, but I don't know where to begin with my cognition wrapped in such a thick fog.

So I've been a-researching my lsd facts, erowid, this forum, lots of other sources. Perhaps it would be incredibly stupid to try, having just stopped weed and I should be staying away from drugs, etc. But I've read about it bringing forth emotions and spiritual energy, not only that but a change in perception would make me feel less like I'm banging my head against a wall every day. I'm not interested in it as a cure-all, I've seen a lot of sources claiming it to be helpful with depression & anxiety. I'm hopeful such an experience would help me remember myself, or at least give life meaning and some enjoyment. I'm calm now and have good control over my symptoms and I'm ready to move on, though if i had a bad episode I'd be ready to accept it. I don't know, maybe I'm tragically naive, but what should I expect from the experience? If it means anything I've smoked salvia twice and had stable and enjoyable trips both times. Can't thank you enough if you've read all this. If there's any insight you can offer with the disassociation, I'd really really appreciate it...thanks.

 

[Syrax]

First of all, using any type of hallucinogen seems like a poor idea in my opinion. If I were in your shoes I wouldn't do it. In fact, hallucinogens are said to sometimes precipitate the kind of situation you seem to be in.

I suppose you could have what people are calling Depersonalization Disorder (DPD). I don't think there's a whole lot of understanding about what this actually is. And to me, it seems like a disorder made from symptoms of other problems. But then some people think of a lot of the symptoms seen in so-called schizophrenic individuals as being unique issues rather than part of a larger disorder. Bottom line being that DPD doesn't seem to be very well understood.

All that confusion aside... the wikipedia page suggests a few possible solutions involving medications, magnetic brain stimulation and psychotherapy.

I don't understand this very well, but the thing that catches my attention is that you mentioned you were depressed in high school and went through some degree of emotional abuse involving your parents. I'm not sure if the dissocation you feel is similar to dissociation that trauma victims can exhibit in certain situations. But I understand that kind of dissociation much better. It's like the body's way of separating itself from extreme pain. The body just disconnects from the situation. You may have heard of it in regard to rape victims, etc. It makes me think that that with some people this kind of dissocation could spill over into situations beyond a traumatic event. Although possibly the state would be precipitated by either one or a variety of triggers.

What I'm saying is... it may be productive to fully resolve some of the painful events that have occurred in your past. Perhaps with the help of medicine or whatever, this is something you'll have to work on.

I'm really not into any psychodynamic bullshit but I can understand why LSD would be attractive in a situation like this. Because it does seem like, to some degree, you have conscious or unconcious conflicts that need to be resolved. It just seems like a kind of dangerous risk to me. It could go either way I suppose, could be helpful or not.

Also, you seem to spend a great deal of time obsessing about these feelings you have, which certainly could be making your situation worse. I mean, if I had to give an explanation, I'd say what you're experiencing could be a purely medical issue and your psychological troubles are just the result of how you're reacting to a health problem. The same thing happens all the time to people with other debilitating health problems. Their psychological reaction to their health problem becomes a far greater problem than the initial issue itself. So keep that possibility in mind.

I think you definitely deserve praise for how you're dealing with this though. You seem to have a good attitude overall and you're committed to finding a solution.

Your brain may function in a way that dissociative symptoms are a part of who you are. But because you obsess about them and concern yourself with them so much you end up exacerbating the problem terribly and creating a nasty cycle for yourself.

Moreover, anxiety itself can cause depersonalization, it's a very common symptom of anxiety. I'm not sure how much of a problem anxiety is for you, but it's possible there's a meaningful link between anxiety and the dissociation you feel. As most people know, there's a serious link between anxiety and depression. And depersonalization and derealization are common experiences for people with anxiety issues.

No matter how you slice it, if you take action to work on the anxiety and depression there's a good chance that either your depersonalization / derealization will greatly lessen, or you'll learn how to deal with them well enough that you'll be more comfortable experiencing those sensations. Either way your situation should improve.

To me, doing acid doesn't seem like the best way to improve this situation... but who knows, the times I've done hallucinogens I never went into it looking for a solution to something or anything like that. So I've never really incorporated psychotherapy type of stuff into the hallucinogen experience. It's not something I would do if I were you though...

[Sorry this is so damn long but the idea of derealization being a unique disorder is something I found interesting.]

 

[Cyc]

don't