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Engine_Of_Chaos

Engine_Of_Chaos

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 8, 2020
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I don't know if this will get much attention but what the heck. I want to talk about the shameful things people have done for drugs. I been doing a inventory of my own shameful sins and know that I'm not alone. It's part of my drug use as much as using is an I feel should be acknowledged. I know I am not proud of the things I've done past or present to continue my use and I'm sure no one else is either. I will say that I feel I am a good person.. kind to others, respectful, well mannered, honest, would help a friend in need etc. But there have been times ALL that has went out the window when I wanted what I wanted and was going to get it no matter what. I have always tried to not hurt others or involve others in a negative way to get or use my drugs. I will admit to being a very very good manipulator.. and no one realizes it. For instance my life right now.. from outward appearance no one really knows about my drugs.. except the ones I get from an use with. What I use, where I use, how I use, how much I use.. its all a big ass secret. Anyways I want to see if this thread picks up any traffic before I start coming out with all my DLS's. Here's one to start this: I try to make friends with old people in hopes they have pain meds in can aquire by them giving me some.
 
I believe there's an existing thread somewhat like this, the mods might combine it with that. Good post nonetheless, this topic always goes to interesting places.
 
I sucked a dick because i was high but not for the high.
I chopped a mf inda throat and took his bag about 30 yrs ago but paid the price.
Stealing to get my fix decades ago was my worst times... had no limits of what and from whom.
Sex for drugs isnt a shameful thing to me as they go hand in hand mostly anyway.
 
About 2002-2009 were wild and insane. These days i use coffee, tobacco, beer, weed and sometimes benzos. I can support those habits on my own.

But during those early years of this millennium, i lied to loved ones and i manipulated them, in order to get money for drugs. They always found out later. It made them suffer. I hurt them. Therefore, sometimes when i am a mess, on my bed, in fetal position, crying due to anxiety and depression... I just think "Fuck you Ghost fart, this is just Karma kicking your miserable butt, enjoy, you little piece of rotten filth!"

Fuck my pain, fuck my misery. They don't mean anything, because i am less than nothing. What really hurts, is that i caused suffering to people who used to genuinely care about me and like me.
 
I did a lot of things when I was active in my addiction. Stealing, lying, manipulating, never violence though. I can’t pick a “worst thing” as they were all shitty.

One thing that does stick out was leading on a gay guy because he had access to great drugs and paid for everything. Never did anything past the occasional kiss, but he wanted me in a bad bad way. I tracked him down years later and apologized. He thanked me and said that he was pretty sure I was straight during the whole thing, that he was pretty desperate for attention at the time, and there were no resentments on his end. That was a nice ending to more than a decade of pretty serious guilt.
 
Sorry for the delayed response I didn't know this post received any attention till just now. I too have lied, stolen and manipulated to get my drugs. I've boosted from retail stores then sold or traded the merch for drugs. That means of acquiring never bothered me much as I would rationalize it by thinking 'these are multi million/billion dollar companies so a little lost revenue won't hurt them'. When it comes to stealing from people it's different. I won't just right out/don't give a fk steal from someone.. only if I can rationalize that it wouldn't hurt them or put them in a financial upset. I've never taken someone's last dollar so to speak. I also am not trying to claim I'm any different or better than any other..its just my way of telling myself 'it's not that bad' when stealing is stealing no matter what when where or why. I have traded sex/sexual favors for drugs as well. That mainly was in 2013-2016. I was very selective in whom I would trade with in that sense. Only 3 persons qualified and met my high standards and they kept me well supplied. The downside to this way tho has had a tremendous affect on my desire for sex and my feelings towards it. I no longer associate feelings of love with sex. It feels like a job to me and I feel somewhat disappointed when I do not receive drugs or money afterwards. It became part of my 'ritual' as ppl say..I knew afterwards I was going to get high and now after an encounter I am null. I no longer participate in the sex trading part of my addiction. Honestly I believe I am a sexual all together. The meaning of the term fits me perfectly. Off topic..sorry.
 
I sold myself 3 times to the same guy in 2020. Twice around Jan/Feb and again in December. My last few months age 28 were pretty fucked up and 29 as well.. 30 has been tough too. But things are starting to look up. To a happy 31!
 
I smuggled subutex in my ass once, and it leaked a little bit I guess, because it tasted like shit, but I used it anyway sublingually because I needed my fix

I did that over and over for over a week

Obvisouly this isn’t immoral lol, but it’s pretty bad
 
I hid a syringe in my ass with the needle too. They were the removable leur tip kind where the needle comes off but has a cap too...but u can imagine the carnage if the needle slid out. I was high on crack and Paranoid and going into a building on campus to shoot up roxies in the bathroom so I was scared security would search me...which never happened.

So then I shoot up with a syringe that has just been up my ass.

Could've gone horribly wrong had the needle come out.

I was so fucked up I went into the women's bathroom by accident and a female security guard was standing outside the door after I walked out high as fuck from oxy.

She almost reported me but was really cool and let the whole thing slide.
 
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