Dirt, Not Soil

[Ashley]

Dirt, Not Soil

Murky waters, discolored by my emphatic emptiness,
the skies cry grey clouds and solicit a storm of
loneliness. A missing portion, the anarchy immense,
too few pieces to assemble any kind of static peace.

Echoed lullabies that creep my eyes to sleep. The
tears and dream land sobbing. A heart disabled by
the loss of a precious atom, it shifting from an
uncomfortable existence.

A flesh wound with a rusty silver scalpel, I
think certainly. Some out there would pray for my
sour, rotten soul. The madness in need of destruction.

The grass always fails to grow when the petals of
lifeless flowers fall and inevitably poison the land,
dismembering the hope of magic, that I no longer
believe to exist.

If only it grew like maggots, and overtook the
misery - and oh, how familiar you are, my contorted
friend; misery.

 

[Pagey]

I love this. The imagery is extremely powerful and it conveyed a very vivid picture from the first line. I'm curious to know what you were thinking of when you wrote this - I imagine it's a poem about lost love but can I ask you to develop more if you don't mind?

 

[Ashley]

I love this. The imagery is extremely powerful and it conveyed a very vivid picture from the first line. I'm curious to know what you were thinking of when you wrote this - I imagine it's a poem about lost love but can I ask you to develop more if you don't mind?

Thanks Pagey! ...and sorry it has taken me over 2 months to reply.

You're right, this poem is about lost love and how I was feeling a few months after losing my fiance of 7 years to another man.

The title is pretty self explanatory. Dirt, as opposed to organic rich soil in which life flourishes, whereas nothing grows in dirt.

At this point in time, when I wrote this, I felt totally and utterly consumed by a whirlpool of strong emotions to the point where I would physically ache from the emotional agony. I was in a state of emotional chaos, feeling empty and lonely and miserable, lost, confused, and agonizingly sad. With my heart now broken, and missing the magic of our love, it felt impossible that it would ever mend.

I used to recite or sing lullabies to my lost love, every night as she was going to sleep and I found myself reciting these lullabies in my head as I was going to sleep. At this point in time I was regularly, almost every night, having horrific vivid dreams of endless crying and sobbing and an overwhelming feeling of emotional agony. These dreams were so real and so intense, upon waking it felt as though I had actually experienced the dream in waking life, these dreams were horrific some of the worst I've ever had. I would often wake up still crying, and interestingly I wasn't crying at all day to day, I just felt dead inside and I simply couldn't cry.

I would tell myself that it's nothing and merely a scratch, in the hopes of convincing myself to be happy, but even if it was just a scratch it was far from a clean cut. I had so many regrets about having told her countless lies, and I know this was almost exclusively responsible for the break down of the relationship. I saw myself as a piece of shit, someone unworthy of anything good. I felt the only way out of the intense emotional chaos that I was being plagued by was to just destroy it.

I felt that nothing good would last, and when something good is extinguished it would proceed to close the door of hope for an alternative to the pain and suffering that I was experiencing. I had totally lost all faith in the magic of life and love.

I considered if only maggots could take everything horrid and dead, and produce all the emotions and feelings opposite of the horrible ones that I was feeling, turning something terrible into something good. I remember thinking just how familiar the feeling of misery was, and for how many years I have felt that emotion, it was almost akin to a friend and I found an odd sort of comfort in misery but though it was a friend, it was a twisted and evil friend.

Ash.