Hilopsilo
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Jun 30, 2016
- Messages
- 606
When I first began using psychedelics when I was very young the main culprit for bad trips was thinking I was going to die, pretty standard, I'd fight it and not want to let go for fear of losing *myself*.
Eventually, after years of practice, I'd learned to let go and surrender myself to the experience without any problems. And generally, I still don't have a lot of problems with this, its something you just learn to do.
4 years ago I met the love of my life, my muse, this person is the center of my life. More important to me in a lot of ways than my own life, almost feels like I would give my life for this person. And as every year passes my love for them grows and grows. On top of this, my life has improved drastically in other ways involving other people and my family; I've realized my now greatest fear in life is not losing myself, but losing the people around me that I love.
About once a year I go in pretty deep with psychedelics, definitely to the point of ego-death and I love doing it. And *most* of the time it makes me realize how much I appreciate life and how beautiful it is. It is always incredibly beneficial to me and improves my life thereafter. But something that has been nagging me since last year's deep dive, as this year's is coming up next week. Last year I felt this deep, piercing fear that all of it isn't real, that its simply too good to be true.
It was a fleeting moment in a blast-off experience (assisted by 100mg MDMA, ~800ug LSD and couple balloons of nitrous), and it was first time I've actually "freaked out" from a trip in MANY years. I was lying down with my partner, and the trip began in the same way these experiences usually do, feelings of "this life is so beautiful, I'm so lucky, this must be a dream", but in a good way, as when I come back I'm just absolutely filled with appreciation for life. But this one took a different turn, I'll try to explain as best I can. It was almost some sort of life-allegory/archetypal situation, all reality fell away and my partner and I existed as the only two "energies" in existence, sort of the seed of all reality, some Adam & Eve sort of thing, yin & yang; myself representing the masculine side, my partner embodying the feminine side or whatever. It was this beautiful moment of realization that all along we were truly a single entity existing together. Within that moment, I TRULY felt as if we had "fused" together, I tried to get up to look at my partner, but it was as if I created what quite literally looked like a worm-hole (or at least the diagrams of what a worm hole looks like on the internet), every movement I made was mirrored on the other end of the "worm-hole" by my partner (even though they were just laying there), I tried to move forward to touch my partner, but I couldn't, they were on the other side, it would just create this inverted visual where we both existed on two halves of reality. In that moment FEAR shot through me, that I'd never actually exist in the same "dimension" as this person as we embody two halves of the universe that balance it and I'd never actually see her face again. I came out of it almost flailing around almost crying trying to get to the other side of this "worm-hole" to exist as separate entities in one universe, but that wasn't possible since we were two halves of a single being; like two poles of a magnet balancing each other but they can never actually touch.
I was CONVINCED that this person, the love of my life, was nothing but a figment of my imagination, some projection of all the things I lack that now complete me. This scared the shit out of me as it wasn't based around losing myself, but about losing someone else (losing them as in realizing their existence is some inverted-mirror of myself).
Now, I'm not saying I believe any of this, as reading it back it sounds absolutely crazy, but it *felt* realer than reality. And I can certainly ground myself in actual reality now, but when something feels realer than reality itself, well you all know how that is. And maybe this does all comes back to "when you get the message, hang up the phone", maybe I've found what I'm looking for and changing my perspective with intense psychedelic experiences will inevitably create a concept of reality that is inferior to the one I am experiencing normally. Or, maybe I just dipped my toes in too deep and wigged out. After that experience, it sort of exposed me to the idea that fear of losing yourself is based on your ego fighting back, but fear of losing someone that means more to you than yourself is an entirely different beast, Its infinitely "scarier". I imagine its how it feels to be a parent who cares more about their child than they do themselves, and not to be morbid, but no wonder there is the age-old punishment of making someone watch someone they care about die/suffer being a greater punishment than being put to death themselves (as we see all the time in movies, stories, and history). Not sure if there is a term for this
Thoughts on this? How to deal with it? I'm sure I'm not the only one who's felt something like this, but it did feel like it opened up a whole new "perspective" for me on what scares me in life, again; not losing myself, but losing the people around me that I love or going to a place where they no longer exist.
Eventually, after years of practice, I'd learned to let go and surrender myself to the experience without any problems. And generally, I still don't have a lot of problems with this, its something you just learn to do.
4 years ago I met the love of my life, my muse, this person is the center of my life. More important to me in a lot of ways than my own life, almost feels like I would give my life for this person. And as every year passes my love for them grows and grows. On top of this, my life has improved drastically in other ways involving other people and my family; I've realized my now greatest fear in life is not losing myself, but losing the people around me that I love.
About once a year I go in pretty deep with psychedelics, definitely to the point of ego-death and I love doing it. And *most* of the time it makes me realize how much I appreciate life and how beautiful it is. It is always incredibly beneficial to me and improves my life thereafter. But something that has been nagging me since last year's deep dive, as this year's is coming up next week. Last year I felt this deep, piercing fear that all of it isn't real, that its simply too good to be true.
It was a fleeting moment in a blast-off experience (assisted by 100mg MDMA, ~800ug LSD and couple balloons of nitrous), and it was first time I've actually "freaked out" from a trip in MANY years. I was lying down with my partner, and the trip began in the same way these experiences usually do, feelings of "this life is so beautiful, I'm so lucky, this must be a dream", but in a good way, as when I come back I'm just absolutely filled with appreciation for life. But this one took a different turn, I'll try to explain as best I can. It was almost some sort of life-allegory/archetypal situation, all reality fell away and my partner and I existed as the only two "energies" in existence, sort of the seed of all reality, some Adam & Eve sort of thing, yin & yang; myself representing the masculine side, my partner embodying the feminine side or whatever. It was this beautiful moment of realization that all along we were truly a single entity existing together. Within that moment, I TRULY felt as if we had "fused" together, I tried to get up to look at my partner, but it was as if I created what quite literally looked like a worm-hole (or at least the diagrams of what a worm hole looks like on the internet), every movement I made was mirrored on the other end of the "worm-hole" by my partner (even though they were just laying there), I tried to move forward to touch my partner, but I couldn't, they were on the other side, it would just create this inverted visual where we both existed on two halves of reality. In that moment FEAR shot through me, that I'd never actually exist in the same "dimension" as this person as we embody two halves of the universe that balance it and I'd never actually see her face again. I came out of it almost flailing around almost crying trying to get to the other side of this "worm-hole" to exist as separate entities in one universe, but that wasn't possible since we were two halves of a single being; like two poles of a magnet balancing each other but they can never actually touch.
I was CONVINCED that this person, the love of my life, was nothing but a figment of my imagination, some projection of all the things I lack that now complete me. This scared the shit out of me as it wasn't based around losing myself, but about losing someone else (losing them as in realizing their existence is some inverted-mirror of myself).
Now, I'm not saying I believe any of this, as reading it back it sounds absolutely crazy, but it *felt* realer than reality. And I can certainly ground myself in actual reality now, but when something feels realer than reality itself, well you all know how that is. And maybe this does all comes back to "when you get the message, hang up the phone", maybe I've found what I'm looking for and changing my perspective with intense psychedelic experiences will inevitably create a concept of reality that is inferior to the one I am experiencing normally. Or, maybe I just dipped my toes in too deep and wigged out. After that experience, it sort of exposed me to the idea that fear of losing yourself is based on your ego fighting back, but fear of losing someone that means more to you than yourself is an entirely different beast, Its infinitely "scarier". I imagine its how it feels to be a parent who cares more about their child than they do themselves, and not to be morbid, but no wonder there is the age-old punishment of making someone watch someone they care about die/suffer being a greater punishment than being put to death themselves (as we see all the time in movies, stories, and history). Not sure if there is a term for this
Thoughts on this? How to deal with it? I'm sure I'm not the only one who's felt something like this, but it did feel like it opened up a whole new "perspective" for me on what scares me in life, again; not losing myself, but losing the people around me that I love or going to a place where they no longer exist.