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Difficult relationship situation

  • Thread starter Thread starter Thatchapneedshelp
  • Start date Start date
T

Thatchapneedshelp

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Bluelight,

I've been dating my gf now for coming up to two years. We met first year of uni and have been together ever since. For whatever it's worth we're now going into our third years- I'm
On a science course and she's studying languages.

When we got together we were both dating other people but broke that off to be together.

We spent every night from then onwards that we could together. We've been bed-sharing from day one and sleeping together sexually from the 2 month mark.

It's fairly safe to say that we just 'clicked'- neither of us have been able to sleep comfortably next to someone else before we met and to have drifted into such a comfortable sleep from day one was remarkable for us both.

Sexually speaking she is very inexperienced- she'd been raped in her early teens and as such had only experienced consensual mild foreplay otherwise. Obviously that changed when we got together.

I am more experienced but not considerably. I've slept with one other person several years ago and experienced everything but with several others.

Here's the crux of the matter- her parents are strongly religious. They're Christian and they're from a background where the father rules the roost and has final say over everything and anything. I was raised by liberal parents who have shown me nothing but explicit trust from word one. Her parents inflict their religion and their beliefs on my gf and her sister- and as you can tell by virtue of the fact that we've been having sex- the daughters don't think much of their parents religion. Whenever I go to visit we're subject to their rules and their regulations without any sense of logic, discussion or reasoning. We're constrained to separate beds and while not explicitly told not to show affection, it's heavily implied. As you might imagine, this is difficult for me, with a liberal upbringing to tolerate.

Given that his daughters rape (which he doesn't know about) was tied to the Church he made her attend- I'm
Finding it incredibly hard to find any way of mustering the necessary respect for him to treat him and his beliefs reasonably.

Now- my gf is disappearing on a study year for her third year. That's occurring in 5 weeks. We won't see one another for 2 months after this weekend. This weekend I'm supposed to be visiting her at her house. Which means no affection, no bed sharing and no us time.

My gf won't accept that there is anything unfair about the way her parents treat our relationship (and I understand that- they're her parents after all)- but she also refuses even to ask for us to share a bed etc.

My dillemma lies herein- she's going away for 14 months total- we have to decide whether we're living together for 4th year fairly soon (December). We clearly have issues- pertaining to her parents and to us as a couple. Is there any one with some good advice as to handle her parents situation? Anyone with any advice as to how to we could deal with the distance? Any one who would say to end this whole thing now before the hurt we're feeling grows? The separation has been causing us to get more and more at one another's throats...

I guess I'm just asking for help. Please?

Thanks, if you got this far- I really appreciate it.
 
you need to respect her parents' wishes while you are staying in their house. if it bothers you too much, consider getting a hotel room in town.
 
I'm too lazy to read that but I agree with cookie. If you're in someone else's house, you follow their rules. If you don't like that, don't go in their house.
 
I'm too lazy to read that but I agree with cookie. If you're in someone else's house, you follow their rules. If you don't like that, don't go in their house.

To hell with her parents' rules - if she were up for it violating them would only make the sex hotter (sodomy on fundamentalist christian parents' bed is like a sacred act IMO), but she's NOT up for it - so you need to respect HER. Fuck her parents...

But yeah 14 months apart for young folks in your situation is silly - be friends and move on and if you get together again in the future that's great and if not you've been good for each other. Life evolves....
 
When my boyfriend and I visit either of our parents - it is always separate beds and no showing affection (holding hands sometimes OK - no kissing allowed). You just kind of have to go with it. Rules are rules. Parents are parents. My boyfriend and I live together - my parents KNOW we're having sex and sleeping in the same bed every night. But not at my parents.
I really don't think the parents have an issue - I think you are overreacting.

As for the distance ... that's a completely different situation. Long distance sucks. Emailing, writing letters, sending cards, sending gifts ... that all helps :)
 
I had a somewhat similar situation when I was deployed with the National Guard for 18 months. In my case, it was my family who had the weird hang-ups about bed-sharing. Not so much about the affection, but definitely not okay with us sleeping in the same bed at their house. The problem arose when I got 2 weeks of leave to come home, mid-way through the deployment. Family wanted me to spend time with them, but I also wanted to spend time with my girlfriend, but refused to accept not being able to sleep in the same bed or any kind of awkwardness about our affection.

End result was, I spent a day or two with family and the rest of my leave was spent with my girlfriend, some in hotel rooms and some in a cabin that I rented. If you guys are only getting a weekend together every couple of months, and you're willing to tough out the long distance thing, you should NOT have to spend that one weekend constrained by bullshit rules. They have the right to make the rules in their own house. They DON'T have the right to make you (or her) stay in their house. You're both adults, stay where you want.
 
to: http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/threads/634546-Difficult-relationship-situation

Thanks to everyone for responding-

A few things I should clarify- I actually don't want to go to their house. This a large part of the issue. I have no desire whatsoever to be in a place like theirs with their draconian rules and regulations, their bigotry and general intolerance. I 100% agree- their house their rules, by that logic, I'd never go! But my gf has spent so many hours complaining at me for not going- telling me I should want to go and I should want to spend time with them while completely refuting any of the logical points I've made (and I have made them gently and without slinging insults- I hasten to add). Her parents have also started taking my lack of visiting personally and have started breathing down her neck about 'why doesn't he want to come and visit, what have we done?' and she hasn't enough backbone to turn around and tell them the truth! I've offered to tell them the truth on her behalf just to have her break down and bite at me for being 'so selfish'.

Llama- don't you think the 3 sets of parents we're discussing do actually have a problem? In my situation they know we've been living together, they know we sleep together and they know that we have sex. They also know that because they've told her not to visit me until I start visiting them- that we wont see one another until I go visit her in her new country! It seems intensely childish to me.

scure- I've offered to stay in a hotel near by but the mere mention of it offended her parents and I was told that I'm to stay in their house or not bother.

My gf keeps going on at me about how shitty I am for not wanting to spend time with her when things aren't exactly as I'd like them and yet can't seem to see how this situation is her and her parents doing exactly that. Fucking farcical.

sockpuppet- you may be right. Given all the complications herein I think now might be a good place to extricate myself from the relationship.

For what it's worth- I'm leaving to visit her tonight... Would much appreciate any more thoughts/ comments on the situation...
 
which is more important to you, seeing your girlfriend or avoiding her parents?

right now it seems like your dislike of her parents is stronger than your desire to see your girlfriend. if that is the case, you really need to evaluate your relationship. as it seems to me you are only interested in the physical aspects of the relationship. this is further illustrated by the fact that you are willing to break up with her over a rather trivial matter.
 
Llama- don't you think the 3 sets of parents we're discussing do actually have a problem? In my situation they know we've been living together, they know we sleep together and they know that we have sex. They also know that because they've told her not to visit me until I start visiting them- that we wont see one another until I go visit her in her new country! It seems intensely childish to me.

At first, yeah I thought so. But now? No. Their house, their rules. If you can't abide by their rules, don't go to their house then!!!
I'm not sure if you work, but it's a good example. I have an office job. There is a dress code. There are certain things that are appropriate to talk about at work and certain things that aren't appropriate (ex. you wouldn't talk about sex or drugs at work likely). When I'm on the computer, I do work things, I don't go on my email, facebook, BL, porn, etc. You just don't do that. Because you're at work. You just have to go by work rules.
Same with a lot of places. There are just rules that you have to go by when you're in certain places.

I don't get why you can't see her when you're living together though, that doesn't make sense. Does she live with you sometimes and her parents sometimes? It's kind of confusing, sorry.

But yeah, while she lives in their house, while she is staying with them, she has to go by their rules. Even if she's an adult. If she doesn't like the rules, she should move out. (If she hasn't already.) If she's already moved out, then I guess you don't have to deal with this issue regularly except when you visit her parents, which seems OK, it's not all the time.
 
You just don't do that. Because you're at work. You just have to go by work rules.
Same with a lot of places. There are just rules that you have to go by when you're in certain places.

What a wonderful world that people can have such different philosophies of life. Personally - I always thought parents were for disobeying and my desk at work was for fucking on whenever I could get away with it.


Good thing not many here share the same rule philosophy about drug laws and that sort of thing or this would be an empty forum.....:)
 
What a wonderful world that people can have such different philosophies of life. Personally - I always thought parents were for disobeying and my desk at work was for fucking on whenever I could get away with it.


Good thing not many here share the same rule philosophy about drug laws and that sort of thing or this would be an empty forum.....:)

The difference there is the motivation for following the rules. It isn't about following rules just because they are rules (for me, and probably all the people in this thread, anyway) Obeying someone's house rules is a choice one can choose to make or not to make depending on whether you want to show any respect towards the owner of the house. I think to myself that if I had someone staying in my house, I'd want them to follow rules that I have for it, even if my rules would be different. Therefore I would follow someone else's house rules (for the most part).

Drug laws don't fall under that same blanket, because there is no ownership and no respect involved. Whether to use drugs or not only involves me, and nobody owns me but me, so I feel free to act how I want about that.
 
Remember that it is their time and not just your time. If you really love her, then two months is nothing.
 
which is more important to you, seeing your girlfriend or avoiding her parents?

right now it seems like your dislike of her parents is stronger than your desire to see your girlfriend. if that is the case, you really need to evaluate your relationship. as it seems to me you are only interested in the physical aspects of the relationship. this is further illustrated by the fact that you are willing to break up with her over a rather trivial matter.

most concise, penetrating post I have read

the only thing it factors out though is this guy is obviously highly irritable...and has a possible disdain for authority of his own... ?
 
What a wonderful world that people can have such different philosophies of life. Personally - I always thought parents were for disobeying and my desk at work was for fucking on whenever I could get away with it.


Good thing not many here share the same rule philosophy about drug laws and that sort of thing or this would be an empty forum.....:)

That's true ... everyone is different.
Personally, when there is something that is really important to me (a relationship, my job, etc.) then I work hard to make sure I maintain it. Some people don't find things like that important. But he clearly finds his girlfriend to be an important part of his life so, in my opinion, he should just obey the parents rules. It's nothing very extreme.
 
You sound more intolerant than her parents. Just chill. Yeah they're strict etc, but at least they are accepting of your relationship with their daughter and inviting you into their home. You have to respect their beliefs and their rules, and it sounds like you don't because they aren't the way you want them to be, which is probably why your girlfriend is getting pissed at you and calling you selfish. Those are her parents dude, they raised her. She loves them respects them, and I think she wants you too, as well. Think about it.
 
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