didn't see another addiction coming...phentermine (amphetamines)

redlight87

Greenlighter
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Aug 10, 2015
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hi there,
this is my first post. I've gotten so much great information off this site but i couldn't find anything specifically related to my situation. if you could take the time to read it and provide advice, any advice, i'd greatly appreciate it. i can't really tell anyone i know because i just can't face up to the disappointment from my parents and it could have really bad consequences for my profession.

the short story is- i'm addicted to phentermine (called Duromine here in Australia). It’s a prescription amphetamine type drug for weight loss. i'm 28 years old and can take on average 10 x 30gm each day but on weekends more. Up until 18 months ago, I spent 10 years with heavy addictions to alcohol, ciggerettes, weed, ectasy/MDMA/Ritalin and binge eating, at various times. I’ve become addicted to anything I’ve come in contact with, I’m just lucky I haven’t been introduced to anything heavier.

Long story - about 5 months ago i went to the doctor because i was really depressed after gaining a lot of weight from binge eating. I was only slightly over weight but my doctor prescribed duramine which id never heard of before. The doctor told me it was addictive but I just didn’t think id get addicted to something I was prescribed (so naïve!)

For about the first 4 weeks i just took it as prescribed….then i started taking it to stay awake from friday to Sunday….Then I started abusing it during the week. One week I nearly stuffed up at work so I freaked out and told my boss everything. By now I could take up to 15 a day and had self admitted twice because of really scary symptoms (clamy skin, blurred vision, minor hullicinations). My BP and blood tests were always fine; my body can take a beating which is a blessing and a curse.
But apart from the occasional bad symptoms, I felt AMAZING!!! Duramine felt like the key that unlocked my true potentional! I was focused, full of energy, confident, positive, and had no desire for bad food.
I become fearless and brave on duramine, which was how I was when I drank at first. it only took me one drink and then I wouldn’t give a shit about the consequences of the 2nd, 3rd, 4th… I could open up to people and create deep connections of understanding and trust, even when the other person was sober and didn’t know I was on anything. I can never do that when im sober. ive never had a longterm and/or healthy relationship. Men just don’t get me and tell me I think too much (although compared to some of them, a goldfish would think too much…). There isn’t one person in the world who knows my full story, but when im sober I don’t see that as any big deal because it’s pointless and irrelevant to my current circumstances. But when im intoxicated I do think about it, which sometimes gets me upset (it used to a lot with alcohol) but other times it doesn’t at all, I just feel refreshed for acknowledging it.
Once the addiction settles in, I no longer want to take over the world, and instead i spend my evenings and weekends locked up im my room listening to Radiohead and doing something completely mindnumbing. This is what I’m like with duramine now, and that’s how I became with alcohol and weed. It’s also how I was with binge eating. I also pick my skin like crazy when im doing these things, especially duramine. Lately it’s been so bad that I’ve done something to my hands, now when I try and pick my skin the fingertips go numb and tingling because it’s pinching a nerve. All these things just completely zone me out, and unlike some people who like to spend their time hanging out with friends or whatever, I just crave to go home and zone out alone in my room.
So sorry, I digress. Going back to the part in the story where I had to admit to my boss that the reason I’d been going around the office farting rainbows lately wasn’t because I’d suddenly fallen in love with my job, but rather because I’d been abusing prescription meds. He was really good about it and gave me two weeks off to go through withdrawal, which was really just eating, sleeping and feeling sorry for myself.

I went back to work with no urges to start again but I was feeling anxious about my weight gain. I was binge eating and gaining weight so quickly. I still resisted the urge, but after about 2 weeks at work I was cleaning my room one day when I noticed half a pack of duramine that must’ve slipped under my bed accidently. My first thought was that Id throw it out, but then I thought that its only a few, not enough to go on a binge, and I could use it as prescribed just to get my diet on track. I pretty much fell straight back into the addiction. that was about 2 months ago and here i am now. I have absolutely no leave left at work and I don’t want to tell my boss because im worried he wont give me another chance and I can’t afford to take unpaid leave because I’ve got a mortgage. I can’t tell my parents; although they love me, they will absolutely freak out and be so angry at me for jeapordising my job and house. My two older brothers are perfectly normal people with no addictions, good jobs, wives and kids, active social lives. I on the other hand have spent the past 10 years going from one stuff up to another and they’re always worried about me being so anti-social (which I was before the duramine as well). And of course, there’s the potential damage im doing to my health which really scares me.
I run out of duramine tomorrow so im planning to quit, plus im going to see a psychiatrist. I’ve gotten pretty down and don’t actually see the point in quitting even though I know I will. Its not that I don’t care about my job, family, house, it’s just that I get to this point where I think, why bother? I’ll just fall into some other addiction down the track. I thought I had it all under control when I gave up ciggerettes and alcohol, now look whats happened. Im just feeling tired of dealing with it. I feel like im either struggling with addiction or struggling with cravings to run away from the world and smash myself up. and I feel like im doing it on my own.

i'm sorry but i don't really know what my question is or what i need advice on. Usually it irritates me when people do what I’m doing which is just unconstructive venting. i know I can get through this and things will get better, it would just be really comforting to know if there’s anyone else out there who’s had these type of feelings and how they dealt with it. I’d appreciate it if you don’t take a hardline approach of telling me about all the damage I’m doing and so on. I just think there’s a time and place for that and for me personally, that approach isn’t going to help me at a time like this.

Thanks
 
My suggestion to you is be honest with the psychiatrist about your addiction. Is this the same doctor who prescribed the pills? They may suggest a way to taper off them since you may experience discontinuation syndrome. If you feel that you are not in control and can't trust yourself to use drugs as prescribed, perhaps it's best to enter a rehabilitation facility. If that's not feasible, your doctor may be able to coordinate an out-patient program. You shouldn't have to go through this alone! Reach out to your family and friends for support. Let us know how you're doing. <3
 
...it’s just that I get to this point where I think, why bother? I’ll just fall into some other addiction down the track...

That's not inevitable. You learn something each step of the way, even if it's the hard way.

You need to a see a good psychologist (that you trust and can talk to) who specializes in eating disorders. They are out there. This is to tackle the binging, etc. It is a long road forward (I know from talking to psychologists that this is a particularly long and difficult journey for some), but obviously drugs are not the answer for you.
 
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