Did you get teased at school?

[Strawberry_lovemuffin]

This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately.

How much do our school years, and the opinion of our peers back then, impact on how we see ourselves in adulthood?

Personally, I had my fair share of teasing. I was a chubby kid, and in primary school a bunch of kids had a brainwave and rhymed my last name with "fatty" (it didn't even really rhyme that well, but well enough for them, apparently).

So they'd yell out "Fatty *** dy, Fatty *** dy!" and I'd just die inside.

My first year of high school was similarly awful. I was a very good student; especially in English. But the high school I got sent to in year 7 was a rough, street-wise state school (mum couldn't afford both my braces and a private school education in the one year) - and there was definitely NOT a culture of intellectualism there. Every time I'd speak up in class with an answer I'd get snickered at, every time I got an "A" and the teacher pointed it out, it was on for young and old at the next break. Although I'd lost weight by that stage, they called me "burgamdy braces" because I had braces and accidently dyed my hair bright burgandy trying to look cool.

When I moved to the private catholic school in year 8 it was much better; smart kids were praised and admired. But I still never "fit in".

I think I took that sense of insecurity with me way into my early 20's. I always *desperately* tried to do the right thing: to wear the right clothes, to hang out with the right crowd, to listen to the right music. When I met my first boyfriend at age 16 I virtually morphed into his personality: I became an alternative-music-loving, op-shop-clothes-wearing, bong-smoking groupy. It wasn't me, but I did it anyway. And I still couldn't understand why no-one liked me.

I'm 28 now, and I can honestly say that it's only in the past 3 years or so I've "grown into myself". I gave up worrying long ago whether my jeans were the right style, or I had the right belt or the appropriately nonchalant attitude. I started buying CD's that appealed to me, be that Alanis Morisette or Motzart. I gave up dieting. (that's only been in the last 6 months or so). I guess, what I did in essence was: I became a student of myself. While I was occupied trying to copy others' behaviour I had never learned what *I* actually liked.

And you know, the most amazing thing happens when you let go of all that crap that you're trying to be. People love you. People admire you. And by freeing yourself of all those expectations, by loving *yourself* (god, that sounds like a Whitney Houston song!) you end up with more love to give out. I get more compliments now by being the dorky, open, compassionate human being that I am than I ever did while wearing the "right" pair of shoes.

As I'm writing this, I'm suddenly thinking I might sound like I'm preaching! I'm not. I know nothing, really. Just learning. I still have many days when I'm that 10 year old kid sobbing on the oval because no-one asked me to join in kiss-chasey. I just wanted to post this because I'm sure that I'm not alone in what I went through, and I know there's a lot of kids who post in here who don't particularly like themselves much. I just wanted to say: you will. It gets better.

love, SLM

 

[Dastrix Slogan]

Wow! thank You for this post SLM!!

Yip I got my fair share of teasing at school as well. Grew up in a small town with basically one school for everyone. The school was intensively sports orientated and I was generally picked on because I never played any sport (never mind that I did Karate outside of school). I lost a great number of friends who went over to the "we play rugby and you dont" crew. I also never really fitted in. Everyone "had" to listen to rock music and I was the wierdo listening to dance music.

Laugh if you will but I was in "the school band" and it was one of the experiences in my life that I would gladly do over again. We really were a group of misfits and outcasts but it was the only place I belonged in that school.

I know that even tho I'm still very much the odd one out in life I really couldn't give a rats ass in texas anymore. I'm happy with me. This also has only really come within the last 2 years, and ecstasy definately had something to do with it.

Heh, as I think about it there was only the lack of the internet seperating me from "Star Wars Kid!"

:D

 

[xena]

i was teased in school. i was the tallest kid in my grade through most of elementary school, i was skinny, i wore glasses, i had freckles, and frizzy hair. i'm kind of smart, so i got straight 100s through the lower grads without trying. this caused a lot of teasing and embarrassment. i started to get one question wrong on each test just to avoid the embarrassment of having my teacher put another sticker on the wall next to my name. i'm also really shy, so that didn't help the situation. i got called a lot names.

in elementary school the teasing bothererd me a lot. then, in jr. high school i became friends with a lot of outgoing people and adopted an 'i don't care what other people think and if they have a problem with me they can go fuck themselves' attitude. being in a new school, the teasing sort of stopped anyway.

i was a goth through most of high school, and i welcomed as many negative comments and stares about my appearance i could get. i did things to provoke further stares and comments. i guess that after being shy for so long, i was on an attention high. i also made a lot of great friends in high school who were going through similar changes as i was.

now, i'm a senior in college. i've toned down my attititude a lot and i just try to be myself. i'm proud of who i am and i'm over being teased in elementary school. kids just pick on people who are different from them in some way. that whole experience has helped me in many ways. i'm ok with not always being accepted and i think i can handle rejection pretty well and overcome it. i'm also going to be an elementary school teacher, so i know how to handle bullying situations without making it worse or more embarrassing for the victim.

 

[Yesterday]

Oh goodness...

I used to get made fun of non stop, and I'm sure I still do... I just care about it less (nothing shows off maturity better than the people who are in their 20's and still think they're too cool for other people).

I was the skinny kid who liked to read and play "lets pretend" games when all the other girls were playing with lipstick and trying to be like Baby in Dirty Dancing. Having utterly uncool parents didn't help (you can't imagine what my parents made me wear). I used to come home crying from school because I would get made fun of so badly. Junior high school wasn't much of an improvement, I was tall, gangly with no breasts to speak of. I was smart and bad at sports and outspoken in class. I was weird. All of the other girls made fun of me except 2. I got to the point where I would do anything to fit in, which is how I started using drugs at a very young age. My parents found out, flipped and sent me to catholic all girls school, where I finally "blossomed".

Its really only gotten better since them, there is a certain point where you realize all of the rich, good looking stuck up people really don't matter and that there many many more interesting people out there. Also, you come to realize that just because someone is beautiful doesn't mean that they are an asshole. First impressions mean less, you begin to look beyond appearance when making judgements. You grow up. And even now, I'm known to my friends as "the girl who wants to make sure everybody is having fun". Which means I can be as loud as the most boisterous person there and still go and talk to the wallflower for a while to see how they're doing....

... and I think I'm cool as hell.

 

[MOS]

I got teased so much in school. My last name was a profanity, and so, as long as I had to go to school, I'd be picked on. All day. Every day. From age 4 up until the end of high school.

My parents moved us out to the sticks when I was in the 4th grade, thinking a smaller community would be better for me - it wasn't. Everyone knew everyone, and all of the students had been in the school system since kindergarten. So, I was an outsider, plus the horrible name.

In Junior High, I sat in the first seat in the row in English. The boy behind me would push my desk up as far away from him as he could, and all of his friends would laugh the whole time - they would get me within a few feet of the chalkboard. The teacher never said a word.

My mum legally changed by name when I was 17, so I have gotten away from the constant teasing. It has made a world of difference.

I "grew into myself" very much over the last 5 years, and it has been wonderful. It bothers me to think about how much I used to get teased, but I am a much stronger person because of it - it has also changed how I see others.

....and I'm cool as hell now, too

 

[Beagle]

Nope...HS was when I actually felt "cool." I've become sorta quiet/shy since... It's not even that I'm shy, I'm just lame and have nothing interesting to talk about lol

-poste

 

[shal]

You raise such a good point. I was teased at school for several different reasons and later on in life this seems to have affected my confidence and self image.

It took me quiet some years since leaving school to build the confidence and foundation to feel accepted by society and have my life return to some normality.

School can be a harsh, tourmenting and scaring reality for some. It's certainly impacted negatively on my life. Though now I feel a stronger and more knowledgable person because of it.

*Hugs*

Shal..

 

[Negro-kitty]

My story is virtually identical to SLM's (especially the whole 'trying too hard to be cool' part), with these differences:

-the teasing stopped when I got to high school, though I was never popular there either -- but it was a private school and that helped immensely
-I was never teased about my name (thank god), but certainly about various aspects of my appearances
-as a result of the good atmosphere at my private high school, I was actually able to 'come into my own' and stop giving a fuck (and get some real friends for the first time) mid sophomore year. It was a dramatic change.
-senior year I lost a lot of weight, became involved in sports, and boys started asking me out...once I got to college I had to beat them off with a stick!

Learning to be yourself is the single best thing you can do, ever (IMO).

Great topic!

 

[Mariposa]

I like this thread too SLM.

My first name is Jillian, as most of you know. I got so many "GILLIGAN" references when I was really little, and I can't watch the show today without practically getting a panic attack.

I was teased mercilessly for being a head taller than everyone until I was in 8th grade or so. I'm now 5'6", WTF???

I did end up becoming one of the "popular kids" in high school; my two best friends were the co-captains of the cheerleading squad. (A dubious honor )

For the record, a couple of the posters in this thread are my personal friends, and I adore them to pieces. I respect all of you who have posted in this thread so very much and of course the permanently lovely SLM for the idea.

 

[PREMIUMUNLEADED]

SLM, my god everytime I read your posts I just seem to feel like we are the same. Not exatly, of cource but so close, lol.
I still can't get over my school age years! My shrink said I have post trumatic stress <PTS> from it. I am a only child, not that thats weird, but I guess never being teased as a little child <I'm talking 0-5 yrs. of age> I didn't know how to stick up for myself. Which when kids learn... watch out your a walking target!
I was made fun of in grade school 1-5 because of my last name. It didnt even make any sence. It had nothing to do with anything, but I cryed & cryed over it, they saw it hurt me so they kept on going. I really hate kids, lol. They also made fun of my dads job, he owned his own buisness and he would drive me to school in his beat up old truck. they would say I was poor and all this crap, which was so not the case. What the fuck do they know, but they think they did.
Jr High, grades 6-8 was the worst! It was a new school w/ 2 schools merging so I had half the kids I already knew and a new half. The worst part was I could't start school becuse I was in a bad accident. I had to be home schooled for a few mnths. So when I finally got to go to the real school still in pain and on crutchs for 6 mnths NO ONE WOULD HELP ME!< I just bursted into tears this moment writeing that!> See it still hurts. I remember the teacher had to do it because no one would. I also didn't speak to anyone. Its like I was invisable. The last day of eighth grade I remember everyone running around blabing, signing yearbooks, I sat at a table by myself crying.

High school changed everything thou! I ran with the stoner drug crowd and no one bothered me again! I actully was feared in high school. I am very tall and I was kinda not fat, but chunky, so this helped me. It was so strange to go from being all alone to having so many people who where actully cool & nice!

Now myself being almost 28 <yikes>, I think I'm somewhat over it. I also used to try to fit in w/ clothes, music etc. Now I just don't care about all that.

To the other tall girls, Im so sorry you got made fun of for being tall. Thats the only thing I was proud of then! Try 6th grade being 5'3" and in eight grade being 5'8"! I still grew some after that 2! leaving me a just under 6 ft!

Being part of the in crowd is sooooo over rated!

 

[JV]

I think I get made fun of now more than I did in high school. But its shit I dont care about. People say I look Korean b/c I have small eyes and dark skin. Fuck it, its because im Indian (Amer.) so I really dont care at all.

I hate talking to younger people about this stuff. Its like, when youre older, you know it doesnt matter, buy try telling that to someone in high school or junior high. They dont believe it, no matter how much you tell them. It would make their lives so much easier if they believed it, but I guess I wouldnt of believed it either at that age.

Sorry if this is out of order and doesnt make sense, Im kinda drunk.

 

[ar_gee]

No, not at all really. I did a little in high school, around grade 8 cause my voice hadn't really dropped. I never really gave a fuck and it was only really by 1 or 2 dickheads. I think having a older brother (especially if male) really helped in me not getting shit, in primary school i was always in trouble and if someone said shit i'de smack them in the head, i feared no-one. Then as i got older the bigger people then got even bigger and i kinda learnt to shutup.

For those of you who got picked on regulary, what was it like?? how bad was it, what made u come back to school?? Did any of you think about suicide when you were young?? i dunno how i would have coped if it happened, but i must say that you must be strong people to be able to put up with shit day day out. What was it like????

 

[FoXi]

I used to get teased in primary school because I was so skinny and also because of my name The jokes about my name were the most annoying! But most of my classmates were from overseas and had funny names too so everyone was getting it really. And I was really thin so they used to say I looked like a starving Ethiopian or a lollypop, or a skeleton or other nasty things. I remember that it hurt heaps and I'd always try to eat heaps to gain weight but I don't ever remember breaking down and crying at school. I'd get teased by my eldest sister more than anyone else.. She was always such a total bitch to me. We don't get on at all even now I think that hurt me those most of all. I didn't and still dont understand why she did it other than to be a bitch.

Then one summer I turned into a voluptuous babe and all of the teasing about my weight stopped and the teasing about all of my curves began... Argh. I started going to an all girls school soon after though and all of the teasing stopped The girls at school were way to mature for that I guess. I wasn't in any cliques or anything like that. I tried to be friendly to everyone and we had uniforms so I didn't need to buy trendy clothing.

It wasnt until I started uni that the teasing started up again.. This time with my name again but it was heaps more embarrasing for me I ended up leaving the country!! Well not specifially for that reason :D Hehe but it still wasnt very nice. If I ever see the guy who started it again I'll kick his ass for sure!

 

[honEbee]

I wasn't teased until I was in High School. Up until that point I wasn't popular but I really didn't have any problems. I'm not sure what happened between middle school and high school to make me an outcase, but that is what I seemed to be. Really, I wasn't teased so much as I was just left out of things. Making friends outside of my small circle was out of the question due to my family life (my brother was a violent alcoholic and my dad was a verbally abusive alcholic) so inviting people over wasn't an option. The only real teasing or comments made towards me were from my ex best friend who kindof dumped me because I wasn't "cool" enough for her and her friends. I was sad and upset about it until one day that one of her friends threatened me and I snapped and told her that if she ever said anything at all to me that I would basically stomp a hole in her back. After that no one said anything to me. All the same high school was a traumatic and lonely experience for me. Looking back I see that some people reached out to me, but I didn't recognize it because of my shotty home life.

 

[Strawberry_lovemuffin]

For those of you who got picked on regulary, what was it like?? how bad was it, what made u come back to school?? Did any of you think about suicide when you were young?? i dunno how i would have coped if it happened, but i must say that you must be strong people to be able to put up with shit day day out. What was it like????

What was it like? Imagine having your heart ripped out of your chest.

I remember vividly recesses and lunchtimes in my first year of high school. I'd either go to the library, where I'd sneak up the back and read, or I had this hidey spot under a set of stairs at the back of the school. On really bad days I would buy a Mars Bar to cheer myself up and eat it really really slowly while I sat under there; that seemed to help temporarily.

No I never contemplated suicide. But I would do drawings of myself and write "fat" and "ugly" on them, and cry myself to sleep most nights.

I agree that the teasing from your family is the worst though. My stepfather hurt me more than any of my peers ever did. Imagine your "dad" writing notes and sticking them on the cupboards and fridge saying Think before you open the fridge and Do you really need it? ... lol.

Strangely enough, my self-esteem now is very good. I think I've been able to separate myself from that now. I've become very defiant in my confidence, and people's praise of my looks in the last 5 years and a constant stream of boyfriends and lovers has also helped. I just hate that this problem exists though. I look back on pictures of me then and I was perfectly fine! A cute kid, nothing wrong with me. And yet those cruel idiots totally warped my sense of myself beyond recognition.

 

[*=Regulator=*]

Do you guys think that learning to love yourself is something that happens naturally as a result of maturation? or is it something you have to work on consciously?

 

[fizzygirl]

i was a little overweight and had bad skin 4th through 9th grade, made good grades, was in all the clubs (even science club!), did my homework, refused to let anyone cheat off me, dressed badly sometimes, then later dressed freaky with pink hair, was in chorus and band and never did anything close to being athletic

somehow i never remember getting picked on in my rather large public high school....i think the worst thing that i experienced was feeling sort of ignored at various times. other than that i suppose people weren't too bad...

**hugs** for all of you

 

[Negro-kitty]

Regulator, for me it absolutely came about due to conscious effort.

 

[anna!]

I was teased all the time in school, from when I was about 9 onwards. I was too smart, too fat and apparently I smelled bad (later found out that I did in fact smell bad, and it was a result of a kidney disease, which made it even worse). When I was in Year 6 (about 11 years old), after endless teasing about my weight, the guy I'd had a crush on for half the year stabbed me with a compass one day after school, in an attempt to "pop" me. He complained that I tried to beat him up, and rallied to have me expelled. I was given a Saturday detention and he was praised for some reason.

That was really the beginning of the end for me. I got teased every day. I didn't have a lot of friends and it seemed as though even the "loser" kids were teasing me: I had messy hair, I wasn't wearing the right deodorant, I was still too fat, I was too ugly, my skin was bad, I was too smart, etc.

So you know, I tried to be the opposite. I stopped trying at school and started failing subjects (whereas up until I was 13, I was a straight A+ student with an Award for Outstanding Excellence and multiple Honours Awards for things). I fucked around in class so people would laugh - if they laughed, that meant they liked me, right? I had 15 weekend detentions and a suspension. All I wanted was for people to like me.

When I was in Year 10, I started dating a guy from out of school, Ben. He was my first love. We were together for 18 months and my world revolved around him. But even he wasn't safe from these assholes at school. They sought him out and told him bad stuff about me. Ultimately it had zero effect on our relationship, but I wanted to die. Every day I left school in tears. I saw counsellors and therapists and snacked on paxil. It was just awful.

When I moved state (not because of the teasing, mind) when I was 17, nothing changed. Then I felt worse because I realised that it wasn't just "the same dickheads teasing me because that's what they'd always done" - different people were teasing me for the same reasons. I realised then that there must have been some truth to what they were saying. My new boyfriend's friends started saying really awful things to him about me, and the worst bit was that I started to overhear him laughing at it. My heart broke. I refused to go outside because I feared that everywhere I went, people I didn't even know were judging me.

It still happens now. Why? I don't know. I've tried to change myself to become more "socially acceptable", and I've tried to change other people to realise how I feel. I hear insults in everything people say. Everywhere I go, I scare people away with my outlandish "look, I have personality!" attitude and I just hate it. I'm even convinced that my 10 week old daughter is thinking "man, mummy smells! I wish daddy was here" and I interpret things Michael says in all kinds of weird and incorrect ways.

Especially being a young mum with a post-baby flabby body, I'm more self-concious than ever. I see (or think I see) people in the street giving me disapproving looks when they see me walking Georgia in her pram/stroller. When I go to new mums groups and things, I convince myself that they all hate me because I can't contribute anything useful. I've already left two of the mums' groups for that reason.

I'm a smart person and really, not as ugly as I probably think. But these experiences still stay with me. I still go through cycles of "I can't be fucked trying to impress anyone anymore, I wish I was dead!". No one liked me anymore when I was skinny than now, no one liked me better when I was loud and obnoxious than when I was quiet and reserved. I look back at videos of me when I was a little tacker (like 4 or 5), and I see this great little girl with everything to look forward to. My heart breaks for HER, not for me. Because a group of assholes crushed all that spirit. It kills me.

 

[Strawberry_lovemuffin]

^^^ Wow... anna... I don't know what to say. That really disturbed me to read that. It's so sad.

(((((((((( huge hugs ))))))))))))). And by the way, I've seen photos of you. You're beautiful .

You just reminded me of another aspect of the teasing/self-criticism cycle: interpreting others' comments the wrong way. I still do this too, almost every day.

He says: "The meat's a bit overcooked"
I think: "I fucked up, I'm a bad cook"

She says: "You look so healthy"
I think: "I'm a fat pig"

He says: "I think you're beautiful"
I think: "So he doesn't think anyone else finds me beautiful?"

It's so crazy, crazy crazy. Maybe, in answer to the person who asked how do you love yourself: perhaps it comes from deciding not to be a victim anymore. We can look back on our experiences with helplessness and despair, and blame the people who did it to us; or we can decide to take responsibility for our own reactions to things and re-learn ways to behave.

I think therapy is useful. And yes, maturity and time does help; if only to offer perspective. But as many of us nearing our 30's who've posted here just proved - it can still feel just as raw as the day it happened.