This was from another old diary I found (just realised, I would have just joined BL by then!)
25th November, 2005 - HOW I ACT WHEN I'M ON P
Okay after I wrote in here last I vowed to sleep off this shit so I'm not dying of lack of sleep and heading for another little breakdown or something.
It's quite hard because I talk too much when I'm tweaking so everyone knows, which makes me paranoid, which makes it more obvious I'm tweaking.
For all my hard-earned paranoia Mum doesn't know unless I scratch myself. So I don't scratch, around her anyway.
I did another few grams this morning instead of sleeping because I need to have been up on it for a good number of hits - I either crank it all at once and have a really super-power twitchy, in-your-face short but sweet meth buzz or I tweak away pleasantly for days, holding out until I can sleep deeply.
Otherwise I don't sleep properly.
See what's worse, consistently having cravings and disturbed sleep after a once-daily hit, or having huge (well a day or two) periods of not using P but sleeping deeply and tweaking more?
It's a smarter method of tweaking in my opinion.
Still I need a lot to stay up now. The first time I took P I was off my nut all that day and night - and I snorted it then! Now I can sleep by the end of the day should I keep strictly to 4 grams.
Well I'll sleep tonight - one night of tweaking, two days off - that's great for me!
Still I am hoping to cut down and I have not really cut down yet - and tomorrow's Friday. Psychologically, Friday is a P-craving day for any tweaker. Day one of the weekend run. I want to go out and do something - go out drinking and popping pills and smoking weed then hitting the P and doing crazy shit and talking about crazy shit.
Like I say it makes me talk more than anything else.
I have shameless self-importance when I'm tweaking. I brag and buzz out and try to gather an audience.
Like today I was jumping on Maverick and talking all loudly about how little the training jumps seem now compared to when I was beginning to jump. I sounded very pompous I'm sure. I galloped egotistically over the difficult coffin jumps, chevron, double spreads, oxers and plunged confidently into the water jump. I even popped Nuggets coincidentally (not) just as the kiddies rode past on their My Little Ponies.
Nuggets is the official name for the largest open oxer on the grounds, comprised of four solid logs piled up across a base of scoria. It looks more like an observer's seat than a jump and is generally the jump at Massey notorious for striking fear into the heart of every rider that hasn't reached open level yet.
I am an open rider now but I have a long way to go before I can get away with flaunting it like that. Some of the other open riders probably think I'm a bit of a dick, a bit up myself.
It is a killer adrenalin rush but it leaves me looking like a show-off. Oh well.
God I'm actually sleepy.
Okay I lie, I feel like I no longer want to write, just lie in the dark and scratch and try to concentrate on keeping my arse from jumping up and running to the cupboard where I've stored the shit I'm supposed to be selling our customers.
Good night while I tweak away - it won't be for me, I'm slowly whacking back into methamphetamine cravings.
Jeez, only I can be still tweaking, yet craving more P aleady, and about to try and go to sleep.
I'm crazy, crazier than I thought.
NB. Maverick is my Arabian horse (the one jumping in the avatar) - at this time of my life I was using IV very heavily, but I still just managed to finish getting my Pony Club certificates with him (you have to stop going to Pony Club at 22 - I was 21 by this stage) and trained this horse myself to become an open eventer (top level at Pony Club)....however we have since competed in other disciplines, his forte being show-jumping.
Massey is a suburb of west Auckland - Maverick and I went to Massey Pony Club at this stage (although when I first got him we were at Te Atatu Pony Club, which I was kicked out of for obvious reasons!)
25th November, 2005 - HOW I ACT WHEN I'M ON P
Okay after I wrote in here last I vowed to sleep off this shit so I'm not dying of lack of sleep and heading for another little breakdown or something.
It's quite hard because I talk too much when I'm tweaking so everyone knows, which makes me paranoid, which makes it more obvious I'm tweaking.
For all my hard-earned paranoia Mum doesn't know unless I scratch myself. So I don't scratch, around her anyway.
I did another few grams this morning instead of sleeping because I need to have been up on it for a good number of hits - I either crank it all at once and have a really super-power twitchy, in-your-face short but sweet meth buzz or I tweak away pleasantly for days, holding out until I can sleep deeply.
Otherwise I don't sleep properly.
See what's worse, consistently having cravings and disturbed sleep after a once-daily hit, or having huge (well a day or two) periods of not using P but sleeping deeply and tweaking more?
It's a smarter method of tweaking in my opinion.
Still I need a lot to stay up now. The first time I took P I was off my nut all that day and night - and I snorted it then! Now I can sleep by the end of the day should I keep strictly to 4 grams.
Well I'll sleep tonight - one night of tweaking, two days off - that's great for me!
Still I am hoping to cut down and I have not really cut down yet - and tomorrow's Friday. Psychologically, Friday is a P-craving day for any tweaker. Day one of the weekend run. I want to go out and do something - go out drinking and popping pills and smoking weed then hitting the P and doing crazy shit and talking about crazy shit.
Like I say it makes me talk more than anything else.
I have shameless self-importance when I'm tweaking. I brag and buzz out and try to gather an audience.
Like today I was jumping on Maverick and talking all loudly about how little the training jumps seem now compared to when I was beginning to jump. I sounded very pompous I'm sure. I galloped egotistically over the difficult coffin jumps, chevron, double spreads, oxers and plunged confidently into the water jump. I even popped Nuggets coincidentally (not) just as the kiddies rode past on their My Little Ponies.
Nuggets is the official name for the largest open oxer on the grounds, comprised of four solid logs piled up across a base of scoria. It looks more like an observer's seat than a jump and is generally the jump at Massey notorious for striking fear into the heart of every rider that hasn't reached open level yet.
I am an open rider now but I have a long way to go before I can get away with flaunting it like that. Some of the other open riders probably think I'm a bit of a dick, a bit up myself.
It is a killer adrenalin rush but it leaves me looking like a show-off. Oh well.
God I'm actually sleepy.
Okay I lie, I feel like I no longer want to write, just lie in the dark and scratch and try to concentrate on keeping my arse from jumping up and running to the cupboard where I've stored the shit I'm supposed to be selling our customers.
Good night while I tweak away - it won't be for me, I'm slowly whacking back into methamphetamine cravings.
Jeez, only I can be still tweaking, yet craving more P aleady, and about to try and go to sleep.
I'm crazy, crazier than I thought.
NB. Maverick is my Arabian horse (the one jumping in the avatar) - at this time of my life I was using IV very heavily, but I still just managed to finish getting my Pony Club certificates with him (you have to stop going to Pony Club at 22 - I was 21 by this stage) and trained this horse myself to become an open eventer (top level at Pony Club)....however we have since competed in other disciplines, his forte being show-jumping.
Massey is a suburb of west Auckland - Maverick and I went to Massey Pony Club at this stage (although when I first got him we were at Te Atatu Pony Club, which I was kicked out of for obvious reasons!)
