Detox/rehab help (HIGH dosage, dr.-scribed opiates; want/need inpatient)

[WorriedAsHell]

I saw a dr for two and a half years, he prescribed me obscene amounts of painkillers (150mg+ oxy daily, 60mg methadone, valium, temazepam, etc - also a binge drinker and on/off regular drinker). He closed last thursday (the medicare raids), and my appointment was friday. So today is one week w/o the same regimen from the past 2.5years.

I know I could find another doctor, but I don't want, or even need, painkillers right now. Any physical issues aside, I'm massively addicted and want off. I'd been attempting to do tapers on my own, but was unable to get anywhere significant.

The w/d's are getting pretty bad now. They'd probably be close to full-blown, but I had about 10 of my oxy's leftover (also a suboxone, just one, that I'm saving in case this gets way worse before I can be in treatment). Anyways I'm really scared because

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I have bad issues with cutting, and over the past couple years, any and every time I've cut it was about opiates. I even have a disgusting "scorecard" up and down one of my thighs for every time I messed up and broke my taper schedule.

And I'm bat-shit-crazy scared now, because the last time I had real, full withdrawal's (remember, never really had any serious ones, as I had a dr filling my bottles 13X per year, yes they did 13month years), I took some sleepers, secured myself in my room to block any attempts to get in, were someone to try, and

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put my ear-buds in so as to not hear anyone, grabbed a pic of the woman I love (who left me a year ago), laid down to block the doorway just in case, and slit my wrist twice - 1st one didn't bring the flow of blood I'd have expected, the 2nd one sure did - licked the blood that'd gotten on her face off, held the picture with both hands over my chest and just fantasized about old times. I woke up, well honestly unsure how much later, obviously didn't do it right because I only had about a half foot to foot pool of blood, and the wound wasn't wet much, unless I bent my wrist outward (when I laid down, it was bent inwards holding the pic over my chest)

So I really don't know what to do. I'm willing to do almost anything, I live in the tampa area (don't contact me re 'helping' with pills, I WILL report you to a mod without blinking) but I could probably get my father to fly me anywhere in the country, I just need something inpatient/detox/rehab, and I have no idea where to start.

I've been going over and over websites, half the numbers are out of service, and it seems many places do detox as "drug free", while I was under the impression that could be medically dangerous (I was under the impression I'd go there, have to sweat it out for some days then go on bupe or dones or something - that, plus therapy, is the treatment modality I read about the most, but it seems most places are either "come here to withdraw in a room", which is about the same as going hiking lol, or they're therapy, which I thought you had to detox for 1st).

I'm just really scared shitless here, it's not just the withdrawals and the worry that, given my levels, they could be dangerous if cold-turkey, but also worried about self-harm or, god forbid, actually succeeding in a 2nd attempt

If I have to sweat it out somewhere, and they just supervise in case, then I'll do that. If I have no real option besides walking to the hospital or police and saying to please lock me somewhere, I'll do that. I guess I'm just hoping there's a place that can understand how to detox me from my dosages, ideally some place that would allow counselling, and sweet-jesus with a cherry on top - a place that'd let me at least use crayons or something to write or let me read, something to keep my mind busy.

Feel free to pm me or ask in the thread for my location. I didn't post it because a mod will probably delete it, but I'm not admitting wrong-doing's, nor will I talk with anyone who's looking to "hook me up", but knowing that I live back and forth between two states, and the areas in those two states, may help someone tell me where to go, or even where to start.

Thank you very much in advance for any help/direction you can provide. I'm in a horrible spot, it seems every damn site/phone number is outdated, I can't tell if it's the real situation or if it's just because I'm w/d'ing so badly I'm already half out of my mind :/

 

[theartofwar]

where are you located buddy ? I know these feelings all too well . Please hang in, I cut and opiates have been a nightmare for near 8 years. I'm waiting for a bed on inpatient at the moment. Hit me up, and don't give up man, it's not worth it - it is a perm solution for a temporary (not matter how long it may feel, I know it can be awful) problem.

 

[WorriedAsHell]

Central FL and MA.

So it's a list/waiting list thing eh? That's what I was really fearing :/ seems that a waiting list for this type of thing is almost redundant, no? (in that, if you have to wait, the place may as well have just said no. Unless I guess you go to the street in the meantime, which I could - but won't - do. Again, nobody bother pm'ing me about *any* forms of help that aren't legal, I won't delete I will report - sorry, I'm a former mod here so I don't like that shit!)

God that's fuct - in FL there's something called "baker act"(ing) I think, like someone can sign (perhaps I could sign for myself? Do have several close people who would sign for me), and my understanding is it's kind of like a day or two lock-down in a psych unit for someone who's a threat to themselves/others. Honestly, if that was a minimum 30days, I'd probably call in a heartbeat. Gonna go look into that as a matter of fact, as said the major thing is the oxy(and benzo's) addiction/dependence, but throw in the cutting problems, throw in my genetic anxiety/depression, and maybe there'll be another avenue to what I need. Way I see it right now, I just want to be locked away for "detox" (at a minimum, as stated I'd want to do full-on therapy and all that, I guess "short-term rehabilitation" would be most clinically accurate). Being in a cage would do that for me, even if it was the psych ward. Bottom line is I'm just doing what I can to avoid that situation that most anyone in my shoes would be facing: find more pills or pray for the best, I guess, but given what I know of opiate addiction, it seems people in this spot seldom do anything other than either: detox; continue using (which'd be illegal for me, well "wholly illegal" lol, at this point); snuff it. I honestly don't think I could go through with the last one, probably why my wrist laceration wasn't deep enough, but in the past I definitely have engaged in behaviors that would put me at risk of harming myself or others when severely depressed, so am doing whatever it takes to get myself "put away" for this. As fuct as it is, my "last resort" so far is basically walk over to a cruiser, ask to be arrested ("I want to be arrested - If I gave your tire a kick (vandalism), and slowly walk away from your cruiser (resisting/etc), can you please take me in?"). I'm not even joking when I say that, if I could, I'd love for someone to just take me to the middle of the woods and chain me to a tree like a dog, just come and give me food/water and don't bring a key with you until it's been (2?3?)weeks - it's that bad, I know at this point I just need to be 'restrained' from myself, for lack of something more eloquent, because I know where I'm headed physically based on the meds being gone, and I know what happens when w/d's are their worst, so I want to be out of that situation asap before it's the usual for someone in this position: try to find a new dr.; go to "street doctors" (again DO NOT pm me, not only will I report but I live in frickin' central FL, the stuff is available in 5min any direction from where I am right now); or, well I'm NOT in any way threatening suicide, or self-harm, or harm to others, it's just the fear of the unknown and the knowledge of possibilities and the likelihood of such things. Scared shitless, for myself and my family/friends, equal measures).

 

[WorriedAsHell]

three things:
- I CAN pm with people; I know "I'm a greenlighter" but I'm really not. If you post 'pm' in this thread I'll hit you back from my real name.
- MODS: Re the "other user", I'm versed in blua as I used to be a mod, and beg that you allow me to keep this account even if just for a week. I'd never post anything outside of this very situation from this account, I even set the username up for this - please pm me and I'll tell you my "bluelightcrew" name/password to prove I'm who I am, it's just that if I had to use that account, I would not be able to ask for help, and I desperately need it.

third: to those who can tell who I am: (it's safe for work, just wanted to save space - is there another way to make text "openable" aside from NSFW?)

NSFW:

If you know me, feel free to facebook me, BUT please don't post anything about this on my wall, just keep it in chats. The overwhelming majority of my friends/family/associates thought I either drank/smoked occasionally, or was fully abstinent, outside of friends I've made here there are very few people who even know I'm interested whatsoever in anything drug-related.

 

[theartofwar]

Oh wow , I lived in FL for awhle but I am in MA - I will PM you some contact info for me , I know a really good place here in boston.